______________________________________________________________________
Chapter Two: Transit and Orientation, or: Hi! I'm a Complete and Total Head Case! Let's Share a Dorm Room!
______________________________________________________________________
"Hey, dipshit, wake up!"
" . . . huh?" Dana sleepily opened her eyes, stretching to get the kinks out of her muscles- and found herself staring into an angry pair of beady black eyes.
"Sheesh," the giant black canary muttered, as Dana's scream shook the windowpanes. "Final Fantasy fan for years, and the chick's never seen a black chocobo. Weirdo."
"W-wh- what are you doing in my room?!" Dana shrieked, scrabbling across her bed and plastering herself across the wall opposite from the grouchy chocobo. "Who are you?! What do you want?!"
The chocobo rolled its eyes. "I'm Featherbrain, your ride to OFUFF. Don't make fun of the name, Yuffie thought it up. Packed yet?"
Dana stared at it, then turned to look out the window. The sun was streaming in, and her Sephiroth clock read 5:22 AM.
"I can't be dreaming!" she stammered. "It's morning! I have to go to school!"
"Noyadon't!" Featherbrain snapped. "Hey, moron! You enrolled already! Remember? The Summons in Black? The Moogle who reversed R and E all the time?" Rolling its eyes again, it glanced around the disorderly room. "Hyne, you're not even packed. Well, hurry up and get your stuff, 'cause we have to be there for Orientation by noon and it's a long flight."
"T- this is real?"
"And give the lady a prize," it growled in return, a strange sound coming from Big Bird's evil twin. "PACK ALREADY!"
Stunned into submission by the note of command in the chocobo's voice, Dana grabbed her duffel bag and packed. Jeans, t-shirts, a sweater, shoes, socks, underwear, her Final Fantasy manga and fanart, Mountain Dew, jelly beans, a bag of Chex-Mix, her wallet, art supplies, pajamas, a Setzer plushie, and other miscellany. She was just reaching for her larger-than-life Hyperion replica when the chocobo (who had been glancing nervously at a watch attached to its leg) swatted her hand away with one wing.
"No time, no time! You can buy anything else in Nibelheim, they're used to catering to maniacs like you by now. Hurry up and get on!"
Still somewhat in shock, Dana clambered onto the chocobo's back, and they took off through the open window. As the wind shrieked around them, they quickly broke three thousand feet and hurtled through the air, ducking and dodging among the clouds and the occasional swarm of geese. Dana lurched uncomfortably and clutched at her mouth with one hand as she saw the city grow small beneath them.
I will not get sick. I will not get sick. I will not get sick.
"BLEAAAARRRGGHHH!"
"Hyne, kid, what the hell did you eat?"
I will not get sick again. I will not get sick again. I will not get sick again . . .
______________________________________________________________________
I will not get sick again. I will not get sick again. I will not get sick again.
"All right, we're here." Featherbrain sighed, sliding to a stop on the rocky slope of Mount Nibel and groaning in relief as the vaguely green Dana fell off with all the grace of a drunken elephant. The trip had not been tranquil, to say the least. After touching down on the edge of the North Crater, Featherbrain had decided to run the rest of the way to OFUFF, thus saving valuable energy; a good plan, if it wasn't for the fact that the Random Battle Rule, which normally did not apply to people riding chocobos, was still in effect when the rider was an extremely nervous Mary Sue writer. And how. After narrowly dodging three Behemoths, a Mad Oscar, four FloatEyes, and two Ice Maidens who both looked like they were both going for their third indictment on charges of indecent exposure, they had finally made it to the OFUFF campus in the heart of the Nibel mountains.
Choking, Dana bent over and retched for several minutes, until she felt strong enough to clamber to her feet and wipe her sweaty forehead with one trembling hand. "Where are we?" she whispered, staring around at the great grey mountains and the looming stone-and-metal building in front of them.
"About halfway between Nibelheim and the Nibel Reactor, kid," Featherbrain replied. It didn't look too happy about that fact itself, but then again, there were a LOT of things in the mountains that could easily be looking forward to Kalm Fried Chocobo for lunch. "Rule one of OFUFF is Don't Touch the Moogles, but Rule two is never ever EVER go into the reactor without a teacher around, for obvious reasons."
"And those reasons are . . . ?"
"Didn't you play the game, idiot?"
"Well, yeah, but . . . " Dana stopped. "Oh."
"Duh." The chocobo grunted. Suddenly, its grimy feathers rippled. "Aaaah, it's beginning."
"What's beginning?"
"Integration."
"What?"
"Just look at yourself, and you'll see what I mean."
"SHIT!"
Dana had done so.
Her body was now a semi-random-looking collection of brightly colored polygons, with vaguely human features and a huge, spiky mass that only somewhat resembled her normal, fiercely gelled hair. There were no longer any patches of shadow or color modulation anywhere on her; instead, the sections of her blocky body reflected the light like colored glass.
"No!" Dana wailed. "What's going on? I'm- I'm- I'M A GAME CHARACTER!"
"Well done, Sherlock." Featherbrain muttered. It was now an almost unrecognizeable mess of black, purple, dark blue, and yellow squares. "Here in OFUFF, you assume the graphic quality of the game you checked as your favorite. Don't complain- I'm from FFIV originally, and look what I am. Only the teachers are allowed to be in high graphics at all times."
"Teachers?" Dana perked up. "Nobody ever mentioned teachers. Who are they?"
The chocobo shrugged. "Oh, all kinds of people. Depends on the courses they teach. You'll find out who your teachers are when you get your course list. Gotta fly now- I see your orientation guide coming towards us." Ruffling its wings, the giant black canary took off, heading towards the chocobo stables.
As Dana watched it fly away, a rough contralto voice spoke behind her. "Hello. You must be Dana."
Turning, she saw a tall young woman with dark blonde hair looking at her. She wore black pants, knee-high boots, and an oversized red-and-blue jacket. A toolbelt was dangling around her waist, and hanging from it were a hammer, a short crowbar, a wrench, a screwdriver, and what looked like a portable arc-welder. She carried a clipboard in one hand, and her eyes were a brilliant shade of bluish-green. Unlike Dana, she was very nicely rendered, with generous curves and long, sinewy legs.
"Uh . . . hi." Dana stammered. "Do I know you?"
The woman smiled, but it was a strange sort of smile; actually, it wasn't much of a smile at all, but more like the expression of a dog that has spotted a defenseless pot roast. "You don't know me, but I know you well- Dana." I've watched as you sent two separate Mary Sues after my best friend, but I've never been able to do anything about it. Hopefully, I can teach you to do otherwise." One hand casually strayed to the crowbar. "Did you know that it takes only ten pounds of force to remove a human kneecap?"
Dana gulped, but pulled herself up by her mental bootstraps. "Um . . . are you . . . Daryl?"
"You got it." The blonde woman said. "You look nervous, Dana. You're sweating. Is there a . . . problem?"
"Well, yeah- you were just talking about kneecapping people, and that sorta makes me uncomfortable." Dana shifted on her feet, edging backwards slightly. "You're not gonna kill me, are you?"
"Not today. We've got rules here, even to protect folks like you." Daryl pursed her lips, examining the clipboard. "Everybody here has got numerous canon violations on their records, and it's our job to teach you the error of your ways- and do it, no matter what it takes. If that requires kneecapping, well . . . the show must go on."
The fanwriter looked vaguely sick. "Really?"
Daryl nodded matter-of-factly. "Really."
"But, okay, maybe some of the stories aren't that good," Dana admitted reluctantly. She wasn't about to say otherwise, not while that hand stayed on that crowbar. "Why do you guys care? You're not gonna actually hurt us over a bunch of fanfic, are you?"
"Consider it poetic justice." Daryl growled, fixing Dana with a death glare. "You guys don't get it, do you? We're game characters. We exist in a reality created and defined by peoples' perceptions. Not only do screwy fanfictions and boiler-plate characterizations tick us off, but if they're powerful enough, they create problems." The clipboard made a crunching sound as her fingers began to sink into it. "Do you know how many people think I'm Gogo? Do you? And thanks to your ilk, half the time I don't know if I'm friggin' Gogo either! Have you ever tried wearing a paisley nightgown and the front-hall rug at the same time? Didn't think so."
Then, as suddenly as her malicious mood had surfaced, it vanished again. "Well, now that we've gotten that out of the way," she said cheerfully, releasing her grip on the clipboard. "You're in luck. Somebody somewhere just decided that I'm sweet and passive. Come along, dear, and we'll get you to the main hall and signed up for courses. If you've got any questions, don't hesitate to come down to the engineering bay and ask me about it, all right?" Smiling happily, the blonde led the way towads the main building of the University, whistling a tune that sounded suspiciously liked "Bibbity-bobbity-boo" from Cinderella.
Dumbly, Dana followed Daryl through the massive archway, wondering: What the hell have I gotten myself into?
______________________________________________________________________
At least five hundred teenaged boys and girls were tightly packed into the huge hall, sitting on uncomfortable plastic chairs and looking around them nervously. Several were still in their nightwear, as they had obviously been abducted by their impatient chocobos. Others still, like Dana, bore the marks of misleading first encounters with the Moogles. Speaking of which, many of the fluffy, rather psychotic little rabbit-things were spread across the room, carrying various weapons and eyeing the students like they were so many low-level Random Monsters. Dana shuddered, and instinctively inched away from the nearest one, who was wearing a Tiger Fang and a nametag that read "Cane." "This is too creepy," she muttered to herself.
"You're telling me," said the girl next to her, a blonde fifteen-year-old wearing an oversized "Don't Fuck With Mother Nature, Don't Fuck With Mother Love, And Don't Fuck With Motherfucking Ukranians" t-shirt who was also rendered rather blockily. "Those chocobos are downright vicious," she added, rubbing a large red welt on her arm. "Mine bit me!"
Dana shrugged. "Mine was all right, except that he got pissed at me every time I hurled on him. However, the Moogles-" she looked pointedly at Cane and scooted farther away from him again. "-are not as cute as they look."
"Definitely not." the other girl agreed. She stuck out one hand. "I'm Lily, also known as PowerballZ."
"Dana, sephychans_1_&_only."
"So, what kind of stuff do you write? Or- more accurately-" Lily coughed "-what got you stuck in here?"
Dana shrugged. "Dunno. Shiva, Ifrit, and Odin showed up with this damn vicious Moogle called Areis and accused me of writing Mary Sues- which is totally not fair since I hate Mary Sues! So they made me enroll, and here I am. How 'bout you?"
Lily coughed again. "Well, just about the same as you, except that Phantom, Stray, and Titan appeared in my room. Oh, and a really nasty little guy named Sabbin. But I'd been getting so many mean reviews on that fic I wrote anyway- damn antislash people- it was kind of a relief to come here. I mean, they're going to TEACH us how to write romance? I can't wait!"
"What kind of fic did you write?" Dana asked, interest piqued.
"Crossover Cid yaoi."
"Sounds interesting."
"It was!" Lily exclaimed. "I started out with FF7 Cid, then tossed in FF8, FF4, FF10, FF5, and FF6 and sent them all to the Honeybee Inn! What could be cooler? But those dumb summons said it was 'beyond the limits of taste,' or something stupid like that-"
"Um, Lily?"
"-so they dumped the enrollment papers on my desk and Stray started shredding all my fanart and that stupid Sabbin BIT me and-"
"Lily? Earth to Lily!"
"-then my mom came in and she's all like 'what did I tell you about having these parties at home young lady' and then Phantom cast Blind on her and she woke up the whole house screaming and they used something called a neuralyzer to wipe my whole family's memories but they went too far and now my big sister Rachel thinks she's a beaver!" Lily stopped and took a deep breath. "Yeah, Dana? What did you want to say?"
"Um . . . everyone's staring at us."
Lily looked around. Everyone was, indeed, staring at them. At some point during Lily's rant, none other than Golbez himself had climbed up to the podium to address the students, and now it was precisely that nasty guy who was glowering at them both, just daring them to interrupt him again.
The girl visibly shrank in her seat. "Uh . . . verysorrymisterGolbezsir,didn'tmeantointerrupt . . . " she muttered hastily, turning a brilliant red.
"Now that Miss Blossom has graciously gifted us with her silence," Golbez said silkily, menace dripping from his every word. "I shall begin. As I was about to say: Good morning, students, and welcome to your first year at OFUFF, the Official Fanfiction University of Final Fantasy." There were a few halfhearted cheers, mostly from the sleepwalking students who missed everything before 'Final Fantasy.' "I am Golbez Harvey, and I am the Head Disciplinarian here at OFUFF. You will answer to my authority, or you shall feel Pain."
Oddly enough, that remark was greeted with dead silence. Well, not entirely- numerous Moogles cheered and clashed their weapons, managing to scare the living daylights out of several dozing writers.
"As you undoubtedly know, OFUFF is an academy dedicated to the written word; therefore, our curriculum has been assembled to give you the greatest literary experience in the Final Fantasy fandoms. Classes are varied, and taught by the most appropriate characters- whether hero or villain- that have experience in that particular subject. Students must pass every class in order to proceed to their second year; exceptional students will be given the opportunity to attend Kuja's special end-of-the-year Final Fantasy costume and disco party."
There were appreciative cooing noises from the Kuja fangirls (both of them) and a collective shudder from the rest of the student body. Golbez grinned evilly and continued.
"However, for the entirely unexceptional students, there is a special seminar offered to help you catch up- 'Survival of the Fittest: Six Weeks of Pure Hell' under the guidance of none other than our vaunted Moogle trainer and spawning-pool overseer, Jenova." The audience gulped as one as Jenova made a rather triumphant hissing noise and rubbed her tentacles together.
"Thanks to Shinra Co.'s construction brigade, OFUFF's campus is more than sufficient for our current number of enrolled students. However, some cautionary measures must still be taken." Golbez steepled his fingers and looked calmly around at the student body. "The top floor is the administrative level and staff section, and is completely off-limits to any students without a viable excuse. In addition, it is guarded by mini-Neo-Bahamuts, who are considerably harder to bribe than Moogles. Any student attempting to sneak into the staff section will immediately be handed over to the Neo Bahamuts for their own amusement. Learn this.
"Students are encouraged to join clubs and participate in extracurricular activities, but only to a certain point. For example, attempting to tackle Sephiroth does not fall under the heading of gymnastic exercise. In addition, any students who slip in their own drool will not be admitted to the infirmary, as it is their own damn fault that they hurt themselves in the first place.
"Dorm partners have already been assigned, and you cannot renegotiate who you are rooming with. If you are having personal space issues, get a pass from your dorm leader to see Counselor Umaro. Any attempt at complaining to any other staff members will result in . . . never mind. I think your lurid imaginations can work that one out for you.
"Once this assembly is concluded, return to your Orientation guide. He or she will give you your dorm number, orientation schedule, and class list, as well as a map of the university. You are expected to memorize all such information by the end of the first week.
"Finally, Miss J requests that there be no stampede attempts during class hours. Failure to comply will result in detention."
"Detention, huh?" Lily whispered to Dana. "Well, that's not so bad. I can't wait to see my Vinnie-chan! Do you think he's teaching a class?"
"Dunno," Dana whispered back. "I hope I'm in Sephiroth's class, whatever he's teaching. Yum!"
Up at the podium, Golbez was concluding his speech. "And now," he said, idly juggling a fireball with one hand, "I leave you to it. Work hard, study hard, and if you cross the path of the Moogles may God have mercy on you. Dismissed."
Dana and Lily fought their way through the now-chattering crowd to where Daryl and Lily's guide, Mrs. Yang from FFIV, were standing. Daryl smirked (she had evidently done another personaltiy-flip) as she handed Dana a large manila packet.
"There's all your stuff, kid. Gotta go. Your room's 11B on the third floor, second hallway on the left, can't miss it." As the tall blonde woman strode away, Dana swore she could've heard her mutter "Sucker."
Lily looked at her dorm assignment and swore. "Fourth floor, first hallway. Dammit."
"What's the matter?" Dana asked, peering at the sheet.
"I heard one of the second-year students calling the fourth floor "8-bit Central." I think that's where they stick all the people who're pixelated- like in the early games."
Dana shrugged. "Could be. I don't think you need to worry, at any rate. The 8-bit games weren't too bad-" her eyes became starry "-although they didn't have that hunky Sephy-chan."
"Ehh, I'll take Vincent." Lily said.
"You can have 'im."
"Or better yet, both."
"Heh heh."
"Eye-candy around every corner, learning how to write REALLY cool romantic OCs, not having to deal with my annoying little brother . . . " Lily adjusted her t-shirt. "I think I'm going to like it here. I mean, how hard can it be?"
Famous last words.
* * *
After about three hours, Dana finally managed to locate her correct dorm room. Ambling aimlessly around the university had really been quite educational- she had first seen Lily to her own dorm room, and the two had played an engaging ten-minute game of "Guess the Pixelated Student's Gender" before being discovered loitering in the halls by a Moogle. Hence the minor
concussion which had sent Dana off around the campus in a daze, vaguely wondering whether the stars floating in her field of vision were from Final Fantasy VII or not.
And once she had gotten herself together, she had had the misfortune to run into Gau, the green-haired Tarzan boy from FFVI. When told that she was searching for dorm 11B on the third floor, the little mongrel had chirped "Gau help! Gau find nice guide for Dana! Uwaaooouuuuuu!" Or words to that effect. She had trustingly followed him, remembering Gau as a high-spirited but initially harmless youngster. They had left the university building proper and were standing on the rocky mountain slope that passed for a lawn, when Gau climbed up on a large stone, whistled, and called out "Uwaooo! Mister Boom! Student want help find room!"
Instantly, a large shadow detached itself from the university roof and swept down towards them, creating a miniature hurricane with its gigantic wings. Dana swallowed nervously. Again, her gaming experience served her as she recognized the gray, silver and black scales, six wings, and rediculously oversized nose of none other than a (somewhat) miniaturized Bahamut-ZERO.
"Yeeeeessss?" the huge Summon rumbled, landing gracefully on the slope and folding his gigantic wings around him. "May I . . . help you, my dear madam?"
"Um . . . yeah . . . " Dana whimpered. "I . . . uh . . . how do you get to dorm11B on floor three?"
"Quite simple, young lady," the gigantic dragon said in a cultured British accent. "Go back through the main doors, take the left-hand staircase up three levels, go to the end of the hallway, rotate the picture of the Phantom Train exactly fifty-seven degrees counterclockwise (reversed twice on alternate Thursdays) climb through the porthole in under six seconds while avoiding the flame jets, use the parallel bars hanging from the ceiling to cross the lava pits, set exactly four-ninths of a keg of dynamite against the granite wall and climb the jagged edges left by the blast, go down the limestone-panelled hallway, pick the one from the Three Goddess statues that you would pray to in order to ensure excellent beet harvests, invert the piece of magicite in her hand, climb up the tied-together bedsheets over the pit of hungry Zone Eaters, find the imperfection at the top of the shaft, insert your student ID card into the crack, and go through the aperture into the third-floor dorm hallway. Any questions?"
"Yeah- I don't have a student ID card.".
"WHAT?!" Bahamut-ZERO roared, extending his wings into the awfully familiar six-pointed star position. "I'VE BEEN TALKING TO AN IMPOSTER?! HOW DARE YOU INFILTRATE THESE SACRED HALLS OF LEARNING! TERRA FLARE!"
Between running from the pissed-off dragon's planet-shattering attack, managing to locate the main office in order to get a student ID card (another headache or twelve), becoming the Moogles' newest target in their impromptu blowgun target-shooting competition, negotiating the way to her dorm room without getting herself blown up, eaten, boiled alive, or anything else, and finally getting lost three times in the hallway proper (which, when viewed from above, appeared to be placed in a dodecagonal pattern) Dana was exhausted, seriously cheesed off, and overall not-happy when she finally arrived at dorm 11B.
"Hi," she groaned to her roommate, throwing a glance at the girl before flopping down on her own bed and muffling her face in the pillow, desperately willing her numerous bruises, burns, and lacerations to disappear.
"Hiya, roomie!" an overly cheerful voice chirped, accompanied by the sound of someone bouncing up and down and straining the already-aged bedsprings in the dorm's ancient beds. "Wowzie, y'r graphics're reeeeeeeeeeeeeally old. Totally tres rad! I'm LunaBlue5522, but you can call me Maggie 'cuz we're gonna be real good friends, right? Right? Rightrightrightrightrightright?"
"Goway," Dana groaned through the pillow which she had her face buried in. "Me want sleep now."
"Gosh," the voice continued, "You really don't look happy. Where'd those burns come from? Oh yucky, is that mold over there? Like geez, I really hope we see Wakka, I love him to pieces! He is soooooooo hot, that stupid slut Lulu SO doesn't deserve him! Whod'ya like? Is it Vincent? I bet it's Vincent, you've got that totally 1997 look on your rendering, it's like stamped all over ya!" She rattled on as Dana rolled over and tried to focus her eyes on the perky roommate.
"LunaBlue5522" turned out to be a well-rendered, short, stick-thin redhead, with cheerful blue eyes and an abundant crop of freckles. The cheap white wallpaper on her side of the room was already obscured by scans, fanart, screenshots, doujinshi cutouts, and other assorted graphic miscellany all focused on Wakka from FFX.
"Nice t'meet you too," Dana mumbled, still somewhat bowled over by the extremely chipper attitude of her new roommate. "'m Dana."
"Kewl!" Maggie continued bouncing up and down, not noticing as the bedsprings gave a creak of protest. "Whadja write? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
"FF7 fics," Dana replied, shaking the spikes that used to be her stiffly gelled dark-brown fringe out of her eyes and sitting up a bit straighter. As long as she was stuck with this maniacally energetic girl, she might as well make friends with her. "Well, mostly FF7, but I like guys from FF6 and FF8. I . . . guess you're an FFX fan, right?"
"Righteo!" Maggie chirped. "I started out playin' 7, that's howzIknow what's what! But I never finished it-" she pursed her lips "-Vinnie was hot, but that stupid Godo kept killing me on the second disc, so'z I quit. FFX is SOOOO much more cool anyhoo." She sighed dreamily. "Aneewayz . . . y'wanna be friendsies?"
"Uh . . . sure."
"Yayness!"
Shrugging, Dana turned away from Maggie and began to unpack her duffel. Uncapping the three-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, she took a hearty swig and, re-energized, began to paste her fanart and posters up on the walls. Meanwhile, her roomie was staring slackjawed at a nude picture of Wakka in a decidedly indecent pose, having already dropped into Lusting Fangirl mode. After about thirty minutes, during which Dana had put away all her clothing and finished off half the bottle of Mountain Dew, she snapped out of it. "Soooooooo . . . what're we s'pposed to do now, huh?"
"Search me," Dana replied absentmindedly, digging through her messy bedcovers to see where she had left her orientation schedule. "Hmmm . . . says here we have free time until 5:30, when we're supposed to assemble in the cafeteria on Level 2 for a 'briefing'- whatever that is- by the minor members of the staff. Dinner's at 6. Pork chops with mashed potatoes, applesauce, salad, peach cobbler, and a choice of milk or soda."
"Ooooooosies," Maggie intoned, sliding over to look at the schedule. "Which teachers, whichwhichwhichwhichwhich?"
Dana snatched the paper away and tried to read the blurry lettering. "Uh- Head Dietician Hojo, Head Librarian Rufus J. Shinra, Student Counsellor Setzer Gabbiani, Assistant Aviation Administrator Shera Highwind, Head Nurse Lucrecia . . . uh, Lucrecia, Assistant Disciplinarian Raijin Nonbiru, Sports Instructor and Head Coach Gilgamesh, and . . . what the hell is an 'Auld Englishe'?"
"Beatsme," Maggie shrugged. "Maybe 's a monster, yay?"
"Rrrrright. Anyway, that one's being taught by Cyan Garamonde, and he's a boring old fart so bring earplugs."
"Yeppy!"
::Sigh::
______________________________________________________________________
Dana and Maggie were five minutes late to the cafeteria, mainly because the map of the university (which neither of them had even remembered existed until Dana slipped on it) turned out to be written in Al Bhed and consequentially useless. Fortunately, nobody noticed them sneaking into the back row of tables; every eye was on Head Librarian Rufus J. Shinra, who was in the process of wrapping up an eloquent discourse on the subject of what happens to people who return books late.
" . . . with a spear," he was saying as the girls sat down, "And in the event that a book should be actually lost or heaven forbid damaged, then I will smear the offender in meat juice and let Dark Nation . . . "
"Sheesh, anal-retentive, isn't he?" Lily- who was also sitting in the back- whispered to Dana. "Hey, Dana. Who's your friend?"
Dana introduced the two girls, and all three turned their attention back to the podium as Sports Instructor and Head Coach Gilgamesh stood up to speak.
"As our illustrious Head Disciplinarian Golbez said," he began, "Students are of course encouraged to participate in OFUFF's sports program. This year, several new programs are being offered to incoming students. R.U.N. A.W.A.Y., the Really Unlimited New and Awful Writing Addiction Yearly seminar, is of course sponsoring its annual Fanfiction Marathon, in which students attempt to write comprehensible fics while being chased by Iron Giants. Human Racing for any enrolled chocobo students is also available, as is Blitzkriegball, gymnastics, fencing, and- naturally- OFFUF's champion sport, Extreme Gambling."
Lily and Maggie were listening most attentively but Dana tuned the eight-armed Summon out. She wasn't the sporty type, and consequentially couldn't care less what the university's sports program was. Unfortunately, nobody thought to jolt her out of her reverie, and the presentations by Lucrecia, Cyan, Raijin, Shera, and Hojo all went by without her catching a single word of them. Just as well that she didn't, because when Dana was finally awakened by the smell of steaming meat and potatoes, several of the surrounding students were looking pale and ashen-faced. As the observant Lily noted, these were the students who refused to eat any of the delicious-looking dinner, apparently deciding instead to live on smuggled chips, candy bars, soda, and kupo nuts.
Don't see why, Dana thought as she wolfed down her pork chops. It's damn good! Guess Hojo decided to go nice after Cloud and company killed him.
Dinner proceeded without incident, and a happily stuffed Dana and Maggie proceeded upstairs to their dorm room. Maggie was uncharacteristically sedate, not saying anything as they inched their way across the steaming lava pits, and falling asleep the instant she hit her much-distressed bed. Dana, however, stayed awake long after lights out, staring at the ceiling and wondering about the future . . . at last, though, she managed to drift into an uneasy sleep, and her dreams were populated by winged Behemoths who played harps and had macaroni for eyes.
Around dawn, she was blown out of bed by the explosion.