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Chapter Three: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, We'll All Feel Better in the Morning
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"Whuh-?" Dana jerked awake, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as her long-atrophied logic facilities frantically tried to figure out what was going on. Another, less extreme explosion was already echoing through the metallic corridors of the university, accompaniedby screams and the crackling of magical flames. Maggie was already up, sitting bolt upright in her bed and staring wide-eyed at the door, which had been jarred half-open by the force of the blast. The noise and commotion seemed to be coming from their floor's central hallway.
Leaping out of bed, Dana clumsily pulled a terrycloth bathrobe over her polygons and hurried out into the hall, followed closely by her roommate, who was clad in a t-shirt with a picture of Lulu on it ("Wanted, Preferably Dead. Crime: Emotionally Jerking Around Bishonen"). The corridor was illuminated red-orange from some distant fire; all around, heads were poking out of dorms. It took Dana and Maggie awhile to navigate the dodecagonal halls- by the time they reached the scene of the accident, there was already a large crowd gathered. Pushing her way to the front, Dana stopped and stared.
Observations: Official Fanfiction University of Final Fantasy, third residential floor, fifth hallway. Time: 5:32 AM, NST(Nibleheim Standard Time)
1. One (1) extremely large, red-hot smoking meteor, covered in ash and still burning with the force of entry.
2. One (1) equally large, slightly melted, smoking hole in the ceiling.
3. Eight (8) corresponding large, slightly melted, smoking holes in the ceilings of all floors upwards from that point, clearly indicating meteor's point of entry.
4. One (1) evilly grinning Sephiroth, leaning against the wall with arms folding, displaying:
5. One (1) nasty smirk on his face.
6. Approximately av (6.023 x 10 to the 23rd) fangirls, most still streaked with the drool of the true Sephiroth-luster, standing back from the meteor, faces plastered with a combination of horror and disappointment that their attempted stampede had failed.
7. Four (4) splayed limbs protruding from under said meteor, garbed in pajamas printed with pictures of Lara Croft naked.
Dana gaped. "What the . . . " she began, but trailed off as her brain fully registered itemno. 4. Ooooooh, sexy, her Inner Luster drooled appreciatively, dwelling on the silver-haired man's sculpted chest, bright green eyes (currently narrowed with the effort of not breaking out laughing) and . . . well, let's just say that it's not necessary to go into what she was thinking of right then. Beside her, Maggie groaned, still only half-awake and clearly disappointed that Wakka was not present.
From the behavior of the other girls, it was obvious that Dana was not alone in her reaction to the firelight villain's appearance. Puddles of saliva were quickly accumulating on the floor, and the majority of those present had already begun to stalk, zombie-like, towards Sephiroth with arms outstretched. The man in question abruptly stopped grinning.
Instead, the gleeful look on his face was replaced by one of sheer horror, and he quickly began searching for escape routes from the horde of lust-crazed females. Another Meteor spell was obviously out of the question- even the staff of OFUFF were allowed only so much property damage- and the walls of the university were enchanted to keep anyone from walking through them (just in case any students enrolled themselves as ghosts, and decided to peek into the staff bedrooms), so that avenue was closed.
" . . . Sephy . . . " the girls droned, the way any normal, self-respecting undead would be demanding brains.
Seeing no escape (without slashing everyone present in half; while tempting, it would be ultimately counterproductive. Plus, bloodstains were hell to get out of the carpets.) Sephiroth fell into a guard stance and unsheathed the Masamune. He had faced the likes of Midgar Zoloms, Ruby Dragons, Yuffie on a caffeine high- he was not about to die, glomped to death under hordes of psychotic teenies, without a fight. Squaring his shoulders, he lifted the seven-foot matsume blade and prepared for his greatest battle to the death.
"My only regret is that I have but one life to give for the canon!"
" . . . must . . . have . . . Sephy . . . "
"WHAT IN TIME COMPRESSION DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
Everyone instinctively jumped, and the fangirls snapped out of their obsessiveness-induced states. A well-rendered, angry-looking brunette of medium height was striding towards them, followed by the mini-Neo-Bahamut Ginova, and the Moogles Jinove and Jennuva. Her staff ID read "Miss J, Directress." She was wearing a gray terrycloth bathrobe with a biohazard symbol stitched onto the breast pocket, and carrying Cloud's Nail Bat clutched in one hand. A decorative bouquet of barbed wire had been wrapped around the head.
"You have got to be kidding," Miss J said matter-of-factly, coming to a halt in the middle of the hallway. The would-be glompers in the hall meeped and instinctively tried to hide behind their neighbors, with minimal success at best. Miss J tutted and hoisted the Nail Bat. The fangirls shrank about three feet in height.
"Am I to understand," she began, every single word dripping with sugar-coated menace, "that a Sephiroth-stampede has been attempted? The morning of the second day, somebody tried to glomp a staff member? Are you all insane? Or is there a collective death wish?"
Everyone shuffled their feet, and Dana ducked behind Maggie. No good- she could feel Miss J's eyes sweeping the hallway, taking in every girl with droolstains on her pajamas.
"Hey," a brave student (whom Dana had earlier identified- Zandramas, was it?) spoke up."Sephy was just HERE! And he's . . . well . . . he's really hot," she added defensively. "Anyway, HE was in OUR area! He's evil! Who knows what he could have been planning?!" At this declaration, several of the gutsier students applauded. Jinove hissed between her pointed teeth, and a thundering silence fell.
"Miss Sanders," Miss J grated, "This corridor is a grand total of six feet wide. Technically speaking, this man would have been 'in your area' if he was squashed up against the opposite wall. However," she added, turning to Sephiroth, "There's the small matter of a Comet spell. Dare I ask what happened?"
"Mr. Ebersol here-" Sephiroth replied, gesturing to the feebly twitching legs beneath the cooling meteor "-made certain intimations that I found . . . distasteful. It was my obligation to correct his view." A snakelike smile crawled across the villain's face as he stared down the army of cowering would-be stampeders, radiating such pure evil that every other threat and brandished weapon Dana had encountered now seemed mildly unfriendly.
Wait a minute. Mr. Ebersol?
Aw, crap.
"Thank you, Sephiroth," Miss J said. "Miss Sanders, since you seem to be having personal space issues, I'll take you to see Counselor Umaro. Perhaps he can suggest an appropriate . . . solution. Ginova, please go fetch the building crew- tell them that we need floors three through six reinforced. Again. The rest of you- back to bed! Classes begin in a few hours, and 'detained through lusting activities' is not an appropriate excuse. Except to Irvine, but that's another thing entirely. Dismissed!"
Everyone quickly disappeared- everyone except Maggie, who had gone back to sleep standing up, and Dana, who was currently examining the limbs of the figure spreadeagled under the meteor. She had thought those pajamas looked familiar . . .
Summoning all of her strength, she managed to shove the rock out of its miniature crater, revealing a rather squashed-looking, life-size plushie, made to represent a tousle-headed fanboy with very distinctive (though somewhat bruised) features.
"Norbert?!" Dana gasped, recognizing her older brother. In response, Norbert Ebersol rolled over, twitched his plush body slightly, and groaned. "Norbert, what the hell are you doing here?"
After about ten minutes, she managed to revive her brother and haul him back to her dorm room. Maggie was still sleeping in the hallway, so Dana kicked the door open and carried the oversized plushie into the room, dumping him on the bed and slapping him a few times to make sure he was awake. "All right, Norbie," she snapped, putting her hands on her hips, "Explain. What the heck are YOU doing here? And why the hell are you a gigantic plushie now? This is MY hallucination, dammit!"
Norbert groaned and sat up, rubbing his plush head. "Wrote a fic," he muttered, running his hands through his unwashed dark-brown hair. "Th' Doom Train said he di'nt like it, so here I am. Put 'inan'mate object' on th' form, so th' 'nrollmnt office made me into a plushie."
"Doom Train? Oh yeah, that gross summon-thingy from FF8. Whadja write, huh?" Dana asked, curiosity piqed.
"FF8 lemon."
"Sheesh, and they put you in here for THAT? These people have got some serious issues. What pairing?"
"Ultimecia/Bahamut."
There was a ten second pause while Dana mulled that over, then . . .
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
(Sound of glass shattering)
"Whoa. Never seen anyone break the sound barrier indoors before."