Vicious Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy related material belongs to Squaresoft. The original 'university' concept is the property of Camilla Sandman, used with her permission. (I'm not dumb enough to rip her stuff off- I don't want the mini-Balrogs after me, and I'm sure you don't either.) Miss J, Dana Ebersol, Norbert Ebersol, Lily Blossom, Maggie McKinnon, and other assorted hapless fools who enroll in university are property of ME, and if you want to steal them you have to ask first.
_________________________________________________________
Chapter One: A . . . Slight Disturbance
_________________________________________________________
"Oh, Silverblade Moonlight," the green-eyed man purred, stroking his hands through his lover's silky hair. "Too long have I waited for this consummation of our love, my beauty."
Damn straight you have, thought Dana Ebersol, AKA 'sephychans_1_&_only,' as she typed away industriously on her handy laptop. It had taken her thirty-six angst-filled chapters to bring her extremely Deep and Meaningful fic, In Darkness Bound, In Fate Entrapped, to this- its romantic climax. Soon, the hothothot General Sephiroth would make wild passionate love to Dana's heroine, the beautiful, virginal Silverblade Shadowflame Moonlight, twin sister of the hated Aeris Gainsborough and EVER so much prettier than her. After that, the pair would be separated and Silverblade would be raped by Cloud Strife, who would then hunt down Sephiroth because he (Cloud) had wanted the beauteous girl's virginity for himself.
Silverblade slowly twined her arms around Sephiroth's neck, her breath coming fast between trembling coral lips. "I hath loved thou long," she whispered, gazing up at the man with rapt violet orbs. "But thou hath nevereth looked before upon lowly I, and yet thee sayest thee loveth me? Truly, the Fates worketh in mysterious ways." But despite the resistence of her words, her actions spoke otherwise, and Sephiroth knew it.
Dana grinned to herself. Hell yeah! Hell yeah! her Inner Luster chanted, waving little paper fans with GO LEMON! written on them.
"Then let us make love," Sephiroth murmured hoarsely. "And for God's sake, let me get the hell out of this piece-of-shit fic."
The fanfic writer blinked. She hadn't written that! What the-! Frowning, she hit the Delete key. It wouldn't budge, and the strange words still glowed on her computer screen.
"Ahem."
"AAAAH!" Dana yelped, jumping at least a foot and toppling her double root beer onto her lap. "Shit! What the-!"
Three tall people were standing in the doorway of her room- three tall, exceedingly strange people that she had definitely not let it. Unless she'd accidently put too much Stolichnaya in the soda again, in which case, everything was up for grabs. Still, they didn't look like the people who usually turned up in her room when she'd been plastered.
One was a huge man, dressed neatly in an impeccable black suit, crisp white dress shirt, French silk blue tie, beautifully polished shoes, and a gigantic medieval helmet with horns. The yellow skin was also a tad offputting. Next to him was a woman with blue hair, fine features, breasts that should have given her serious back problems, and some creatively located ice crystals. To her left stood the third member of the group, a demonic-looking fellow with shoulders at least four feet wide, fangs, and a pair of massive recurved horns that started at his hairline and swept back to his shoulderblades.
Weirder than any original character, more attractive than the schlockiest romance novel cover, and looking quite ready to terminate with extreme prejudice. They could be only one thing, and Dana knew what it was. She hadn't spent all those hours hunched over a computer for nothing.
"You- you're- you're-"
"We are," the man in the helmet said, eyeing her sternly. "It has come to the attention of our superiors that you are writing an unauthorized fanfic, featuring a Mary-Sue original character with 'glimmering green yet silver' hair and angsty backstory fifteen-Bravo. Therefore, the SIB was dispatched to forcibly enroll you in OFUFF. *Cough* For your own good, of course. *Cough*"
"S-SIB?" Dana said weakly. "OFUFF?" Then the earlier comment came back to her. "Hey, Silverblade isn't a Mary Sue! She has flaws!"
"Like what?" the blueskinned woman queried, tapping her perfectly manicured nails together in a manner that eerily reminded Dana of Montgomery Burns.
"Well, she . . . uh . . . she cares too much, right? She's too shy to admit she loves Sephy-chan, right?"
"Uh huh." The woman said dryly. "From what I see . . . Ifrit, the papers."
Shuddering, the horned man handed her a sheaf of printouts, holding them with the very tips of his clawed nails as if they were about to bite him. "Here, Shiva. Watch out- I think Areis wants to disembowel her."
"Can't say I blame her. Lessee . . . my, my, my." Shiva murmured, poring over the stack of papers. "And not just Sephiroth, either. Rhiannon Starfire for Vincent, Kylina of the Darkness for Seifer, and- oh my goodness- Jade Shrinesealer AND Aria Songstrike for poor Setzer. What is it with you and those last names, anyway? Surnames should not be adjectives. Let alone verbs."
Dana blinked. "You've read my fanfics?" Sometime during Shiva's speech, she had finally come to the conclusion that this was an extremely weird dream she would soon wake up from, so she might as well play along.
"Oh, the SIB has been keeping an eye on you for a long time, Miss . . . 'sephychans_1_&_only,'" the helmeted man- whom Dana had by now identified as Odin- said, wincing with distaste at the name. "Which is why we were sent to present you with this." So saying, he dropped a sheet of paper in front of the befuddled writer.
"What's this?" Dana asked, staring at it.
"Your enrollment papers." Shiva said. "Just fill out the form honestly, or as honestly as is possible with someone like you, and give it to Areis here."
"Areis? Who's Areis?"
A low growl answered her question. Surprised, Dana turned around- and found herself eye-to-eye with a very irate-looking Moogle carrying a spear. It was currently perched atop her massive stack of Sephiroth, Setzer, and Seifer merchandise, eyeing Dana like her skull was a kupo nut it intended to crack. However, on a fluffy, cotton-candy-colored teddy bear, the best it could do was look threateningly helpless.
"Awwww, how kyoooooooooote!" Dana gushed, reaching out to pet the thing's furry pink head. "Oh yes, you'w a sweetie, awwent you, hunny?"
"Baby talk. I knew this one was hopeless." Shiva muttered to Odin.
There was a snapping sound, like a pair of scissors, and Dana gingerly withdrew her now-bleeding hand.
"Well, maybe not so hopeless," Odin replied, as the writer began to curse in language that could make a sailor on shore leave blush, while wringing her hand and spattering blood on her computer screen. " . . . hmmmm . . . " he murmured, pulling a notepad out of thin air and beginning to scribble down one of Dana's phrases. "Interesting. I don't believe goats are capable of doing that, though."
"Srevrs you eight foe mrssing with mr!" the little Moogle squeaked, pointing its spear at Dana, who shrank away from it. "Eulr onr of OFUFF, lady- don't touch thr Mooglrs if you valur you'er lifr!"
"Can't you even talk right, you little rat?" Dana said sourly, but another wave of the spear in her direction silenced her. Ifrit chuckled- an ominous sound, considering that it came from someone who could be the stand-in for Satan no problem.
"Thanks to her name, she can't," the horned fire demon snickered. "At OFUFF, there's a little cutting edge to the Moogles. Every one is the product of a misspelled character's name in fanfiction- Areis here you created with your last fic, "Rose of Shadow in the Bloodmoon." Unfortunately, due to the errors in their names, each Moogle can only speak in the same manner that their name is spelled. In writing Aeris's name, you reversed the R and the E- thus, Areis has to do the same thing whenever she speaks. Keeps them nasty. Unfortunately, things get a little confusing with, say, Sipaierofth . . . " he shrugged. "But that's what you get for mucking with canon."
"The price you pay for a happy university." Shiva chimed in. Dana blinked again.
"University? Nobody said anything about a university."
"Oh crap, we forgot to do the speech!" Ifrit groaned, exhaling a fireball in exasperation. "Sorry, kid, we're a little new at this. Okay, here goes. *Ahem.* 'Congratulations, adventurous fanfiction writer! Due to your complete lack of regard for the standards of taste, decency, and above all canon, you have been selected as one of the exclusive number to enroll in the free Official Fanfiction University of Final Fantasy, under Miss J and our illustrious headmaster. You will have to successfully complete three semesters at OFUFF in order to be returned to the real world, where you will be given a license to write Final Fantasy fanfic and your own Moogle to make sure that you don't screw up again. Failure to comply with the registration process will result in the complete withdrawal of your fanfiction priveleges, permanent writers' block, or *shudder* a Personal Visit from the Headmaster.'" The summon cleared his throat again. "'I, Ifrit Edition VII, leader of Squad 14 of the Summons In Black, hereby declare that the student-elect has been informed of her errors and will be enrolled with due course.' Fill out the papers and sign there, kid."
"A . . . university?" Dana stammered. "For writing fanfics? A university?"
"Brilliant, Holmes," Odin commented. Dana could practically see the sarcasm dripping from the words. "Don't you read? After that OFUM thing got on the web, I thought all you people would know what OFUFF was."
Dana glanced back at the enrollment paper. As long as she was having this weird dream, she might as well have some fun with it. Swiping a Seifer ballpoint pen off her desk, she quickly began to fill out the form:
Name: sephychans_1_&_only
REAL Name: Dana Ebersol
Age: 16
Sex: __Male X_Female __Asexual __ Other (please specify_____________)
Race: __Human __Esper (includes parallel beings like GFs, Summons, etc) __Ancient __Alien (please specify_________) __Monster (please specify __________) __Science experiment __Animal __Normally inanimate object __Other (please specify__________)
List specifics here:
Her pen was hovering over the "Other" box (half-angel, half-mermaid wasn't human, was it?) but a Look from Odin stopped her dead. Reluctantly, she checked the "Human" box and moved on.
Next of Kin:
"What the hell?" Surprised, she glanced at Odin. "Why do they need to know that?"
"Well . . . " Odin looked shifty. "For legal reasons. Nothing to worry about."
"Right." Dana looked back at the paper, feeling the first beginnings of skepticism rising in her mind. Didn't that story about the university in Middle-earth start this way . . . ? Ah, who cared. That Token guy was so boring, she never bothered to read more than a few lines of the LOTR fics. Shrugging, she wrote down her brother Norbert's name and continued.
Blood Type: AB+
Preferred Final Fantasy (check one): _1 _2 _3 _4 _5 _6 X7 _8 _9 _10 _X2
Primary Lust Object: SEPHYCHAN!
Secondary Lust Object: hmm...Seifer's cute.
Primary Hate Object: Aeris! stupid and slutty and such a bitch!
Secondary Hate Object: Quistis. what's the deal with that dumb whip?
Yaoi, Yuri, or Het?: Yaoi and het
Lemon or Nonlemon?: Lemon
Fluff or Sap?: Sap
"Sheesh, what is it with all this stuff?" Dana muttered, jabbing the pen at the paper, which hissed at her and curled up its edges defensively.
Amano or Non-Amano?: Amano sucks. he makes all the characters look so stupid.
Preferred Type of Music: Pop and funk
Favorite Final Fantasy Character Class: Anything bishonen
Luster or Not-As-Obvious Luster?: whatever
"All right," Dana yawned, handing the completed paper to the disgruntled-looking Areis. "I'm done. Will you go away now? I need to sleep. School tomorrow."
"Hold it!" Ifrit interrupted. "You didn't read the disclaimer at the bottom."
"Huh?" Curious, she examined it. "'The undersigned hereby agrees that he/she is a complete and total moron and will cheerfully submit to any and all forms of pain rightfully inflicted by Miss J or her subordinates. Furthermore, the undersigned also agrees that he/she will not complain the least little bit, lest he/she be made into Hojo's newest laboratory pet.' What the hell?"
"Just sign it!" Odin muttered. "Hurry up, kid. I'm getting bored, and there's a poker game with the Knights of the Round that I have to finish."
Dana shrugged. "Oh, OK." As she put her name on the paper, something deep in her sugar-sodden brain whispered that this might not be the brightest idea . . . but who cares, it was just a dream, right? "All done," she said, handing the paper back to Areis.
"Excellent." Odin intoned, as the Moogle hopped off of the desk and came over to him. "Shiva, you have the Exit materia, right?"
The ice goddess nodded, pointing to a glimmering orb on her silver anklet. "Everybody ready?"
"Wait!" Dana called, standing up just as Shiva opened her mouth to chant the spell. "This WAS just a dream, right? . . . right?"
Ifrit smirked. "We never said that, kid. Be ready and packed in five hours. 'Bye, sucker!"
"EXIT!" Shiva called, and in a whirl of green light, the three Summons in Black and the Moogle vanished. Dana stared at the spot where they had been, feeling her jaw fall to the floor in pure shock.
"Oh, shit."