Chapter Five: Of Deus Ex Machinas and Possessing Spirits
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At the same time, on the staff dais . . .
"I tell you," the Major sighed, toying with her "Special Director of Crossover Modulation and Appropriate Punishment" ID card. "I may not be the most canon-knowledgeable person in this University, but if ONE MORE person tries to put a Jedi Knight 'Sue into the FF universe-!"
"I know what you mean," Golbez rumbled. "Too many people have written me as an angsty mess, just so some fabulous Paladinette can come along and show me the meaning of love, but even that pales next to the Star Wars atrocities I have witnessed. Deflecting Meteo with a 'mental shield?' Shrugging off my Shadow Dragon? Madam, if I may be so bold, I have had a rather interesting idea concerning these crimes."
"Fire away," she responded.
"Very well. We collect one bucket of fangirl-drool, six cups of V8 juice, a few drops of gasoline, half a measure of Kina Lillet, a flagon of caustic lye, and two cans of condensed mushroom soup. Mix it all up, then dunk the offender in the solution and let hang upside-down for three hours . . . "
Farther down the table, the girl in the gray dress was finishing her chicken sandwich. Like the rest of the uncanon staff, this girl was rather unusual; she had been a Final Fantasy, Matrix, and Lord of the Rings fangirl in her day, but was now focused on the work she had to do for His Evilness, the Headmaster of OFUFF. Got to hurry up. Paperwork to do.Fics to police. Fangirls to punish. Brushing a few stray crumbs off her dress, she stood up and turned around. Now, even the fangirls at the tables below could see the large 'Biohazard' symbol stitched onto her back.
At that moment, a door at the back of the dais opened, and a rather grim-looking Lady Sanzennine came out. "Miss J," she said in an undertone, walking straight to the girl in gray. "We have a problem."
She fished a glittering object out of her pocket and held it out in one hand so Miss J could examine it in the pale green glow of the materia lights. After a moment's scrutiny, the other straightened up again with a peculiar expression on her face.
"Staff meeting," she said brusquely. "Hallway. Now. Thiranduil!"
Several students who had been watching the exchange screamed as what looked like an oversized Rottweiler made of molten lava rolled out from under one of the staff tables, flexing its bony black wings and yawning, displaying oversized canine teeth in the process. It leapt over the table and landed at Miss J's side, quirking its head curiously. She fed the strange creature a few strips of bacon and patted it on the head.
"Thiranduil, the staff needs to discuss something. Oversee the Moogles while we're out of the hall, please. If any student attempts to leave before we come back, then they're yours for the next 48 hours. All right?"
The beast hissed, nodding its horned head, and leapt up on the staff table to glare at the students.
"You didn't tell me you'd got a mini-Balrog," Chocobo Goddess said as the staff left the hall.
"I didn't actually acquire the little guy until about a week ago," the younger replied, casting a fond glance back at the snarling mini. "The Moogles and Mini-Neo-Bahamuts are all very well, but they're just not nasty enough yet. That's the problem- in the FF worlds, they're used to doing good. So I asked Miss Cam for Thiranduil, and she kindly sent him along. I'm using him to teach the others how to be really evil."
"Evil is as evil does, uweheehee!" Kefka giggled. "Son of a stereopticon, what I wouldn't have given for a few of those in my tower!"
"Your member's card at the Narshe All-Nite Beauty Salon & Emporium?" Kain Highwind suggested lazily, leaning on his spear as he closed the doors to the main hall behind them. The entire staff was now grouped in a silent, metallic corridor, with neutral polyester beige carpeting and a few framed Shinra logos on the wall. "All right," Kain continued, "What's going on? Cecil and I were in the middle of a poker game."
Miss J muttered something under her breath. Then, "Lady Sanzennine, if you would-?"
The Special Director of Mature Fiction held out her hand again, and the entire staff leaned forward so they could see the what was in it. There was a glimmer of gold, and a shocked silence fell on everyone.
Zidane was the first to break the hush. "I didn't think those turned up here," he said nervously, curling his monkey tail around his waist as he spoke. "I mean, the Lord of the Rings continuum is full of 'em, but here-"
"They're everywhere," Miss J broke in. "The magical universes just get hit especially hard. Ladies, gentlemen, and unidentifiables-" she lifted the golden thing up so they could all see it "- meet OFUFF's first piece of Deus Ex Machina jewelry: the Necklace of Noncanon Enhancement."
'A slender, glittering golden chain fell like the waters of Lethe from her milk-white hand, winding in a lover's touch around slender fingers and curling away into a sun-colored oblivion that was pale in its iridescence. At the end of the gleaming links, a beautifully wrought symbol of heavenly love and devotion showed, ever proclaiming its wearer's pureness of soul and chastity of spirit.'
"What the hell?!" Cid Highind yelled, hearing the strange description come out of nowhere.
Beatrix cursed. "An OCW bug! Crap. Everyone, defensive positions! We've got to keep that thing from getting any further!"
"OCW?"
"Over-Creative Writing spirit. Possesses you and turns even the noblest effort into pure choco-doo," Chocobo Goddess interjected. "Nothing's wrong with a little exposition, but these things get it all out of hand. As you'll soon see."
As she spoke, a pale white form coalesced at the end of the hall. It appeared to be a beautiful, innocent maiden, her angelic wings glowing with a soft pale blue light. Vincent growled and tightened his grip on the Death Penalty, while Lucrecia raised her dinner knife to ward against the demon.
"Darling Vinny-winny," the girl said solemnly, crystalline tears sliding slowly down a marble face heavenly in its perfection, "I shalt love thy untileth the endeth of mine days, but I shalth must leave thee. For I ameth betrothedeth to another, and though I loveth him not, a woman must always knoweth her place- and her dutyeth. Farewelleth."
And with an undulating moan of grief and sorrow, as of a pure and noble heart riven with passionate sorrowful grief, the spirit disintegrated- leaving behind a pastel bluish cloud and the faint smell of gym shorts that have been left in the car trunk all summer.
"Always," Miss J groaned. "Always they speak in botched Medieval English. At least this onewas a Dramatic Departure spirit, not one of those bloody Happily Ever Afters."
As the weapons were put away, however, she regained her composure (such as it was) andreturned to the matter at hand.
"It seems," Lady Sanzennine said, holding up the gold Necklace of Noncanon Enhancement, "That this little bugger appeared early this morning, in the girls' dormitories on floor 2. Must've spawned sometime last night and been carried up there by a Neo-Bahamut; you know they love hoarding shiny stuff. It seems to give extraordinary- that is to say, overpowered to the point of total ridiculousness- magical powers to the wearer. I found it in Naiomi Byrd's pockets when the Moogles were frisking her."
"Probably appeared as a result of all those Mary Sues using Bio Twenty," the Major muttered. "Ooooh yesss, preciouss, we wantss to kill the Sueses, yes we does . . . "
"OK, so it's here." Lady Bloodroost interrupted. "What're we supposed to do with it?"
The staff glanced at each other, then identical wicked smirks spread across their faces.
"You know," Miss J said brusquely, "What I've always liked about minis here is that they're just not typical. . . "
A few minutes later, the staff were back in their places at the tables, and some exchange of goods was conducted. Then, when the bell rang- and for the one of the first times in the history of lusting, the students were stampeding AWAY from the Lust Objects. Mainly thanks to a gleefully cackling Yevno, who was using Comet 6 on anybody he could aim his fluffy paws at.
"You know," the Major said wistfully as she watched giant flaming rocks crash down from the ceiling, "Something that OCW said gave me an idea . . . Chocobo Goddess, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure," the deity responded, moving away from the group of staff members who were applauding and taking pictures. "What is it?"
"I've got a suggestion for a mandatory exercise. That crap about 'flowing like the waters of Lethe' just- doesn't work. So how about we hold our own kind of GrammarBootCamp?"
"Really." They were both grinning now. "What's the topic?"
"Three words. Fun With Semantics."
"Muahah."