"Reno . . . ."
"Shutting up, Goth-man! Shutting up, yo!"
"Sephiroth is rather . . . displeased with his new form," Vincent continued, barely flinching as another bolt of lightning crashed into the roof of the University. Outside, the pale violet predawn sky began to darken to a smoky black, and what looked like a Comet2 spell decimated the staff pool with considerable force. "He also didn't appreciate acquiring three younger brothers."
"Bro-" Dana paused. "The silver-haired guys in the trailer?"
"Correct. Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo are our newest staff members."
Instantly, everybody in the hall ducked. However, nothing spontaneously comedic occurred. No explosions (other than the ones issuing from the firefight outside), no new structural damage, no screams of pain from unfortunate students. Dana blinked confusedly, and several staff members looked downcast. The Universal Laws of Comedy had not been upheld.
"Shouldn't there have been-" Dana began, but Vincent clapped a hand over her mouth.
"Quiet, Miss Ebersol." Vincent raised one black eyebrow meaningfully. "I did say they were new. Practice makes perfect."
Dana aaah'ed understandingly, and went back to cowering under the table.
There was a long-drawn-out moment of silence. Then-
KABOOM!
"MOMMY!"
The floor rocked, and a shower of plaster fell from the ceiling. The framed logos of the various Evil Corporations, which had been given a place of honor on the walls of the Main Hall, shattered in their frames and as a seismic shock greater than any they had yet felt blew through the University. Dana whimpered and curled up into a ball, trying to decide whether to cover her head, her ears, or her eyes. She'd forgotten her Kevlar, too.
"MOMMY! YOU KILLED MOMMY, YOU JERK!"
"SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIGGIN' MOTHER! GROW UP!"
There were Significant Glances among the staff. "Highwind's really bucking for it," was all that Seifer said.
"They were much more dignified in Japanese," Queen Ashura commented, her heads revolving sadly as more plaster fell. "But since this is English, it's all mommy-this and mommy-that."
"I hear they're going to create a new Incest-Fic class to deal with the expected influx," Cecil said darkly. The FFIV Paladin was drinking a cup of coffee and watching the chaos outside the windows (Aeris was attacking Sephiroth with a pair of garden shears, and the Magus Sisters were cheering her on)."Wonder who's gonna get hauled into teaching that monstrosity."
Irvine Kinneas gulped. "Incest fics? How many brother and sister groups are there in Final Fantasy, anyway?"
"Enough," Cecil responded. "Faris and the rest of the FFV crowd will probably have to handle it."
"No fear!" Faris yelled from her place by the breakfast table. Even though it was early, a veritable forest of pancakes, eggs, sausage, toast, orange juice, Hi-Potions, Chocobo Greens, and the occasional dead animal had sprouted along the huge staff table. "I'm not dealing with that! Do you know how much slash winds up on my desk anyway?"
Rufus Shinra glowered at his latte like he was planning to murder it. "Not as much as winds up on mine. On my desk with Tseng, according to some of these people. No, Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo will probably teach the Incest class." He snuck a glance out the window. "After Jenova stops tormenting them, of course." A very un-suave grimace crossed his face. "Oh, dear Planet . . . somebody give those men a backbone."
A small cluster of observers was beginning to build around the window now. "Holy smokes!" Kain whistled. "Twenty minutes in existence, and they've already pulled tentacle-washing duty?"
"The odor knocked out seven Jenova's Witnesses last week alone. She must be thrilled to get new flunkies, and . . . ew." Quistis had turned a delicate shade of green. "Poor Loz. Not there- oh, good grief- all that ooze, and all over his jacket, too. They must really love their mother."
At that moment, a hand landed on Dana's shoulder and pulled. She yelped as she was unceremoniously yanked out from under the table, landing hard on her rear end on the cheap industrial-grade tile a few feet from it. "What the-" she began indignantly, then clammed up.
Damn.
Oh, damn.
"Miss Ebersol," an all-too-familiar voice said. "I believe it's time for your detention."
Something flicked her hard on the forehead . . . and the world melted away.
Back to the Campus? <-- Back to Part Two