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ClicheCamp III: String Cheese Gone Wrong and Less Probable Mistakes
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Darkness. All was quiet in the shadowed chamber, moonlight tracing soft, silvered patterns on the stone-tiled floor. The black funerary drapes at the window had been drawn back to admit the evening breezes, but they had also opened the way for a desperate act.
SSJ-KybokSilverfang was crawling, commando-style, up the side of the wall. White-knuckled hands gripped at the rope as she inched upwards, brown trenchcoat flapping around her feet, which dangled dangerously fifty feet above the ground. A new student, Kybok had hardly settled in before beginning her own Mission Impossible: get into Vincent Valentine's room, and steal one of those nifty capes for her very own.
Weirdly enough, everyone else in the dorm had screamed and hidden when she had proposed the plan. Even the most die-hard of Vincent lusters had merely clutched their plushies tighter and shaken their heads, terrified by the very thought of going where they Weren't Allowed. Huh. Wimps. Normally, Kybok was the distant-pining sort of fangirl, but when one of those funky guard Moogles had stolen another student's vodka-spiked Mountain Dew, she'd just had to press the drunken pink fluffball for a few bits of information. And now here she was, climbing her own personal golden shiny wire of hope, straight upwards to pure bliss.
Flap. Flap. Flap.
Tap. Tap.
Hiss.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
From where he was sprawled on the wide bed with Lucrecia, Vincent opened one ruby eye as the screaming voice abruptly descended downward. Chuckling silently, he climbed to his feet and closed the window. Hiring Diablos to watch the teachers' building had been rather expensive, but the big demon was marvellously inventive with punishments. Mronimusha still couldn't stand the sight of Jell-O, and it had been three weeks now . . .
***
Rather reluctantly, morning dawns . . .
You never really want to see a grinning Guado at six in the AM. Especially when you know he's delighting in your torment, and extra-especially when you yourself have just been severely beaten by Sephiroth. In a NON-sexy manner, mind you. Sure, he was hot, Dana reminded herself (trying to contain her drool- salivating while sliding down a dirty mountainside produces mud, and mud was so icky! Eeew!), but somehow, being used to mop the floor of the Teachers' Lounge wasn't really romantic. Now, if he'd thrown her down in honorable combat, brushing the tears out of her emerald eyes with one strong hand, whispering that he had dirtied the virtue of such an honorable maiden . . . aaaah! Drool! Mud! SLIPPERY!
"Good morning to you, too," Lily commented, stepping to the side as, ten seconds later and several slopes closer to sea level, Dana slid to a stop next to her fellow conspirator. What had once been a glittery purple t-shirt was now varying shades of brown and grey, and thanks to her low-riding jeans, Dana now had mud and chocobo leftovers in some very uncomfortable places.
"What's good about it?" the fanwriter muttered, picking herself out of the mud. "Oh great! My brand-new outfit, totally RUINED! I am SO billing the school for my dry cleaning!"
"Oh, relax," Lily said calmly, straightening her long black robe. "Could be worse."
"HOW?!" Dana demanded, angrily picking gravel out from under her rhinestone-encrusted nails.
"Three hundred feet in under thirty seconds- not bad. Hojo's cooking must be working after all."
Dana blinked. "Hojo's cooking?"
"Not so well, evidently. Memory loss, hmmm. . . " Lily paused in thought. "You ate the cinnamon rolls, didn't you."
Dana blinked again. "Hojo's . . . cooking? As in, cooking food?"
"I guess that explains the pink eggs and sparkly blue bacon," another new student, Faye, volunteered from behind them.
Lily shook her head. "Nah, they were cleaning out the Mary Sue pens last night."
"You mean that was-"
"-not bacon."
Faye paled. "Excuse me, I'm going to go be sick."
"It's all right!" Lily yelled as the retching student dashed away. "They're not human, so it ain't cannibalism!"
Fighting down the rising bile in her own throat, Dana hauled at Lily's arm. "What's wrong with you, anyway?" she snapped. "You used to be really keen, and now you've gone all gross on me! Did Anima eat your brain or something?"
"Nope!" Lily said cheerfully. "I joined the Jenova's Witnesses!"
Dana stared. "The WHAT?!"
"Jenova's Witnesses," Lily repeated, gesturing to her black robe and bizarre facial tattoos. (It should be noted that, until that moment, Dana had not found anything odd about her garb. One rarely caught an OFUFF student wearing ANYTHING normal, and that included their original hair color.) "We of the Witnesses are not concerned with the immortal soul- just the mortal body. Under the direction of our Grand Mistress of the Sacred Tentacles, the Jenova's Witnesses do anything and everything necessary to survive this university, so that we may perserve these puppets of flesh to better serve the cause of the Canon. Have a pamphlet."
Fortunately for Dana, the ground decided to be merciful and gave way at that moment, sending the two girls tumbling headfirst down the slope. UNfortunately, they fetched up in a tangle in front of Yojimbo, who wasted no time in hauling them to their feet with one hand each.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced ironically, "We have our volunteers."
***
Once again, the student body was assembled in massive rows, each person staring uncomfortably at the now-notorious canvas tents. Dana gulped and adjusted her glasses, staring just as uncomfortably back while Yojimbo shoved her and Lily to the front.
All of the Summoned Monsters from all of the games- a Tonberry, a Cactuar, Hades and Doom Train, at least five or six Shivas and Ifrits apiece, and more- were grouped in between the tents and the students, each carrying a clipboard and a pencil. None of the Summons looked particularly happy, but obvious malcontent was already being replaced with sadistic pleasure on several faces. Yojimbo was pacing back and forth, dragging Lily and Dana along behind him.
"As you doubtless know," he began calmly, looking at the assembled students like he'd just gotten a brand-new katana, "The purpose of ClicheCamp is to make the whole damn lot of you so sick of your idiotic writings that you'll beg us to let you give it up. So far, we've been less than successful.
"We've tried practical demonstration, and that didn't seem to work. We tried forcing respect into you, and that didn't work either. Apparently, you're all a lot more thick-headed than we ever thought possible. So today," the Summon continued, dropping Lily and using the free hand to unsheathe his sword, "We're going to borrow a leaf from Miss Cam's book and do a little Learning Through Pain."
"Wasn't that what we did yesterday?" One brave student asked.
Yojimbo merely smirked evilly. "Dream on, flesh puppet. You will all be divided up according to primary fanfiction sin and sent into the appropriate tent. Inside each tent will be a Summon and a canon character who has been particularly injured by that particular sin. They will mete out punishment according to their own twisted whims. Oh, and by the way-" the massive ronin Summon chuckled audibly. "Don't hope for the lunch bell to save you. This activity will be over when we say it's over, and not a second earlier. Do you get me?"
"WE GET YOU SIR!" the students chorused, then paused and glanced around at each other. Evidently, some of yesterday's boot camp had rubbed off on them. If possible, Yojimbo's grin grew wider.
"So they're beginning to learn, after all. That will make things even more interesting. Oh, and Miss Ebersol?"
Still dangling by her sorely stretched t-shirt from one massive fist, Dana froze.
"I believe you go first. You're with Doom Train and . . . oh dear, bad luck . . . Seifer Almasy. Tent #7." One large hand prodded her forward. "Better get a move on- Almasy's had nothing but coffee since noon yesterday. I have a feeling he won't be too happy with lateness.
With the eternal hope of the chronically ignorant, Dana perked up immediately. OK, Sephiroth had been a washout so far. (Dumb Aeris, must've gotten into his brain or something . . . ) But Seifer was still hot, and not really evil in the EVIL evil sense. Dana could see the whole scene now: she would race across the field into his arms, and he would sweep her up and carry her away, healing her near-mortal wounds and honorably defeating the totally stupid jerks who'd been all mean to her! That would show them, show them all what they'd done when they underestimated Daanaa E'versoul, Battle Princess of Balamb!
***
Time passes . . .
"But how am I supposed to hug it when I can't even LIFT the dumb thing?!" Alannah wailed, tugging on the hilt of the Masamune futilely. Squall, the leader of the Unnatural Lusting group, crossed his arms and allowed a rare smirk to cross his face.
"Not my business. Move it or lose it."
So far, the various canon characters had proved themselves cruel geniuses ten times over. Twelve groups of students were spread out across the field, each under the watchful eye of a Summon, and the hot sun was shining down on twelve scenes of fanfiction-inspired gulag. Hojo was hurrying to and fro among them, administering his own version of first aid wherever Lucrecia wasn't fast enough to stop him. Five injured students had already elected to live with their afflictions rather than have him treat them.
As of nine-thirty in the morning, personnel were distributed thusly:
MARY SUE GROUP
Director: Seifer Almasy
Attendant Summon: Doom Train
Activity: Seventeen students struggling up the simultaneously rocky and slippery foothills of Mount Nibel, carrying massive backpacks loaded with pounds upon pounds of cosmetics and hair-care supplies. Female students forced to wear ridiculously tight and uncomfortable spangled costumes, while males in clunky anime-style armor with shoulder pads the size of bathmats. Much pain involved.
BAD SLASH GROUP
Director: Vincent Valentine
Attendant Summon: Diablos
Activity: Twenty-five students running in terror after Vincent finally lost his temper and morphed into Chaos. Two flying demons were now strafing the shrieking group with fireballs and purple lightning, laughing maniacally all the while and doing their best to create numerous avalanches.
BAD SONGFIC GROUP
Director: Tidus
Attendant Summon: Tonberry
Activity: Twenty-one students cowering on the floor of the tent with hands clamped over ears as Tidus forces them through HIS songfic, using the song "My Way or the Highway." Nine students lying unconscious outside the tent, evidently unable to stand the strain that the songfic format puts on its participants' ears. Tonberry judiciously gluing their arms and legs together.
SCRIPTFIC GROUP
Director: Edge Geraldine
Attendant Summon: FFIX Shiva
Activity: Edge forcing his nineteen students through a long and ludicrously complex ninja kata, while firing English literature test questions at them in Internet-speak. (Example: "y h3str pr1n n/@dm1t h3r chibi f@thrls???") Failing students made to jog around the tent-ground thirty times while reciting "Hiawatha."
LEFTOVERS GROUP
Director: Gau
Attendant Summon: Titan
Activity: The thirteen students who aren't corrupt enough to fall into any particular group are kept busy nonetheless, gathering wood and kindling for some mysterious purpose. Gau attempts to inspire them by instilling a sense of teamwork, which backfires- mainly because Gau's idea of said concept is to track down and devour a herd of wild chocobos. And those things can *kick*.
UNNATURAL LUSTING GROUP
Director: Squall Leonhart
Attendant Summon: Alexander
Activity: Students who lust after inanimate objects- eight in number- are given the simplest task of all: act on their feelings. Two students subsequently dispatched to the hospital wing after painful accidents with Lion Heart, and the rest suddenly become platonic. As a result, this group is let go in record time.
BAD CROSSOVERS GROUP
Directors: Cecil Harvey and Agent Smith
Attendant Summon: the Magus Sisters
Activity: Thirteen students are sent through a staff-written crossover, which puts them face-to-face with Jason, Freddy Krueger, Darth Vader, Sauron, Saruman, the Merovingian's twins, the Green Goblin, Ghost Rider, Magus, Magneto, Perfect Cell, the Alien, the Predator, and Barney. Subsequent shrieking and pleas for mercy almost deafen nearby Mary Sue and Scriptfic groups.
GENDER REVERSAL GROUP
Director: Fujin Kazeno and Raijin Kinono
Attendant Summon: Pandemona
Activity: Eleven students' genders are reversed for a period not less than six hours. Chaos ensues when seven formerly male students invade the girls' dorms and attempt to plunder the University's entire supply of Kotex. Fujin and Raijin are subsequently dispatched to the hospital wing with hyperventilation after laughing hard enough to cough up their GFs.
BAD ALTERNATE UNIVERSE GROUP
Directors: Locke Cole, Setzer Gabbiani
Attendant Summon: Stray
Activity: Thirty students discover, when they step into their tent, that they have entered an alternate universe where Final Fantasy is played like Quake III Arena. Directors Cole and Gabbiani rack up one hundred and twelve kills in ten minutes, making liberal use of the rocket launcher and BFG 10000 in the process. Said thirty are found cowering around the Respawn point, promising to be good.
CID ABUSE GROUP
Directors: Engineer Cid, Karnak Cid, Professor Cid, Cid Highwind, Cid Kramer, Cid Fabool, and Alvedo Cid
Attendant Summon: None
Activity: Fifteen students who have abused Cid are handed over to each in turn. One forces them repair the engine on his airship, another dangles them upside-down from the Highwind's landing gear, yet another uses the worst offenders for target practice, one more hands them over to his cage of ticked-off Espers, and all seven take them on the plane ride from hell. As of this writing, three students are in the hospital wing after passing out from smoke inhalation.
OUT OF CHARACTER GROUP
Director: Cloud Strife
Summon: Griever
Activity: Thirty-two students negotiate a hedge maze populated by Evil!Cloud, Whiny!Cloud, Crazy!Cloud, Psycho!Cloud, Goth!Cloud, Flaming!Cloud, Angsty!Cloud, Abusive!Cloud, Girly!Cloud, and Cloud himself, each with a different Limit Break. Only three have so far made it out unscathed or relatively sane, but the Clouds seem to be enjoying themselves.
RANDOM INSANITY GROUP
Director: Rydia
Attendant Summon: All the Ifrits
Activity: "They want random insanity, I'll give it to them," as Director Rydia puts it. Twenty-nine students are currently running a marathon relay race while dressed in nothing but plumbing fixtures, with the race accompanied by a seven-piece Moogle chamber orchesta and the students constantly pursued by the Luv. (The Luv is a large, psychotic piece of string cheese that was created by one too many cheesy romance fics. It's a vague whitish-yellow color, and nobody has yet worked up enough courage to ask what flavor it is. The common consensus is mozzarella, although a small but vocal minority, based on how evil it is, is voting for blue camembert.) Purple rain comes from the sky over the race course, and styrofoam containers of boiling ramen occasionally hurl themselves out of nowhere. Current casualty rate: 1 in 3.
***
Fast-forward to sunset . . .
Groaning and massaging her aching back, Dana Ebersol flopped down in the dirt. Her spangly gold outfit had looked cute when Seifer made her put it on at six o'clock that morning, but after three forced marches, mountain-climbing, fighting dozens of Random Battles, and a duel with Cactuar, it had become less gold and more grime. She'd probably pulled ten or twelve muscles, her feet were killing her, and her makeup was a total mess! "It sounded so easy when I wrote it . . ." she whimpered, making a futile attempt to untangle her spiky brown hair.
One thing she was sure of, though- Seifer Almasy was an absolute JERK! How dare he treat his true love like those other dumb fangirls! "Well, there goes his Christmas present," she muttered angrily.
"ATTENTION!" an awfully familiar voice roared across the field, where clumps of students were sitting, sprawling, or lying unconscious. Over a hundred heads automatically turned to the area in front of the tents, where Yojimbo was standing once again. Dana would have bared her teeth at him if she'd had the energy, but she had to settle for looking mopey. "ATTENTION, all you pathetic wrecks!
"The whole lot of you have done decently enough, I suppose," the ronin said grudgingly. "A few of you will be returned to the Quake tent for further rehabilitation, of course. Nobody complains, do you hear? One whisper reaches my ears, and I'm sending the whole lot of you on a field trip- to the Gelnika. Understood?"
No answers.
"IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
The quality at least resembling precision which had marked the beginning of the day had disappeared entirely. Even Yojimbo's incensed bellow could get nothing more than a few groans out of the assembled student body.
The Summon sighed. "Why do I have a feeling that I'll be working overtime today?"