~Puns~ ~~~~~

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

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Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

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A dyslexic atheist with insomnia lays awake wondering if there really IS a Dog.

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Possible Company Mergers: 1.Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: To now become Mine, All Mine 2.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. 3.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: What else but Zip Audi Do-Da

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Miracle of the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw.

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Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his lorry ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

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What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

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A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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There's lots more where these came from, www.sillypuns.com

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