Are You A 3ll Seeker?
WBLT out of New Orleans Live Action News reporting to you tonight with the latest in "reality TV". It was announced today that airing late nights in up coming weeks WBLT will be bringing you "3ll Seekers", the misadventures of four Orleans Avenue twenty-year-olds as they take to the roads. Jackson Kelly, a recently signed addition to New Era Wrestling, will be the center of the show. Along with friends Chris Spliff, Toby Watson, and Steve; no last name listed; Jackson will travel from city to city and pursue his dream of becoming a wrestling superstar. The four New Orleans locals, along with another guy whose name they don't even know, but who has been around so long they don't want to ask, have already made their debuts on NEW television when they attacked Justin Sharpe back stage and collected a $4000 reward from Eklipse. Jackson Kelly was quoted as saying the money would be used for: "Gas money for '3ll Seekers'". The first episode of this new show will air tonight at 1:00 a.m. only on WBLT.
Fade out.
Fade in.
The scene opens on a hot afternoon in New Orleans. A thin white man in a cheap brown suit stands in front of Jackson Kelly's green Cadallac Escalade. Behind him, the Orlean's Ave. Posse is loading up the Escalade and a beat up mini van with their clothes and all the rest of the things they will need on a long trip out of town. The man looks directly into the camera and speaks in a dull voice that brings to mind Ben Stein.
Reporter: "This is Mickey Horter and welcome to the first episode of '3ll Seekers'. Tonight we'll introduce you to the of young men that you will get to know very well during the course of this series. After we get to know these boys a little better I will bring you an exclusive interview with Jackson Kelly or Tha 3lla as he is sometimes known in the world of professional wrestling. Kelly will be giving us all his thoughts on his up coming match and all of the controversy that has surrounded the newest crop of wrestlers to enter the NEW. First tonight, lets introduce you to traveling companions. They have all been friends since elementary school and now they will explore the world by Jackson Kelly's side. They like to call themselves the Orleans Ave. Posse..."
A video segment begins to play, the first person to be featured is Spliff. Spliff is shown wearing baggy jeans and a white "wife beater" sleeveless shirt, flexing his scrawny muscles and blowing kisses trying to impress the ladies out there in TV Land. Years of excessive drug use, which will not be featured in this show so as not to promote such behavior, have warped Spliff's perception of reality, look for strange things coming out of this stoner's mouth at any time. Up next is Toby, Toby is a big, fat bastard. He's shown sitting in front of his computer wearing a huge green t-shirt and red shorts with a pair of brown house slippers (hope I'm not hitting too close to home with anybody). Toby is a good natured guy like most fat guys are. Next up is Steve, Steve is a well muscled, self proclaimed ladies man. Although most of the ladies he "macks" are either young enough to merit jail time of heavy enough to crush him in the sack. Plus, he's clumsy, the kind of guy that would step in a wet corner of the room if it were covered by the refridgerator, he'd find a way. And now a word from the guy whose name no one knows:
The Guy: "Hi."
Next up is our interview with "3lla" Jackson Kelly. Jackson is shown sitting in a small room with Mickey Horter. Jackson's dreads are left down and he is wearing a LA Lakers jersey, #8 Kobe Bryant by the way.
Mickey Horter: "Well, thank you for this one on one interview Jackson, and congradulations on joining NEW."
Jackson Kelly: "Thanks, Mickey, its great to finally be living my dream of being a professional wrestler. I'm excited to be out here competing against a fine group of atheletes like we've got in New Era."
MH: "Indeed there are. Some of those veteran atheletes are anything but pleased with yourself, as well as other newcomers James Oswald and Justin Sharpe."
JK: "Yeah, its unfortunate. I think Shawn Stryker, Blaze, and even Trent Raven have all made comments about the three of us coming in and trying to get straight into the world title scene. I'd like to go ahead and take this opportunity to stat that I was never trying to get a world title shot, there are only two reasons that I've ever mentioned Shawn Stryker's name. The first was to let it be known that he is the best in the business right now and I'd feel confident going into the ring against anyone, even him. The second time I made mention of his TV Title. I figured the TV title was a good place to start if I wanted to make an impression. Everyone around here thinks, and with good reason that a person hasn't proven themselves they shouldn't get a shot at a title. I see where they are coming from, but I'm still here to start myself out on the right foot. That's why I'm glad Mr. Reeves has booked the three of us to compete against each other at the next show to see who really is the best of the new bunch."
MH: "But it won't just be the three of you competing, Mr. Reeves has thrown in returning superstar Zack Zytico into the mix, making this a four way dance on Fire Fights. How confident are you about your chances?"
JK: "As confident as I could possibly be going into a match like this. Four way matches leave a lot of room available for opportunists. You always have to keep your eyes on everyone in the match, because if you get too distracted with one there's always two more guys there trying to get the win, same as you. Its harder to win these matches based simply on skill. Its all about being in the right place at the right time."
MH: "Okay, Jackson, lets play the name game, I'll mention a person and you tell me what comes into your mind, lets start with the most talked about person in the NEW at the moment, Justin "The Future" Sharpe and with the attack from last night at Fire Fights."
JK: "Justin Sharpe is a cocky little prick. Every time I hear the guy speak I can't wait to beat the ever loving $#!+ out of him. The whole attack was something I'd have loved to do free, except its really not my style. So it was a fantastic excuse to get four grand for doing in instead. However, Sharpe has an obvious mean streak and I'm sure he'll be looking for a bit of vengence. All I can say to that though, is for him to bring it, I'll beat his pansy @$$ into the mat."
MH: "'The Man' James Oswald."
JK: "Almost as arrogant as Sharpe, or maybe more so he just hasn't spoken as loud so far. He's also probably twice as talented as Sharpe as far as I can tell. Oswald is a technical wrestling specialist who was eager to accept my challenge very quickly. But it will take a lot more then that to intimidate me. By the way I've got a news flash for Mr. Adolf Oswald, not every black man from a major city is a gang banger, ya biggot. Boy, you just gave me more then enough reason to assure you that I will provide the most humiliating @$$ whipping you ever got, that is for damm sure.I may not be a 'ring general' like The Man, but I do know one thing, what the ref doesn't see isn't illegal."
MH: "Zack Zytico?"
JK: "Now this is my kind of guy, all he wants to do is party and drink beer!"
MH: "I think that was supposed to be a metaphor, Jackson. You know like saying he's in charge."
JK: "What, well in that case, screw him! I hate people that claim to be having a killer party when they don't even have any beer. What kind of lame freak would do such a thing? Zytico's idea of a party probably involves a polka band and a bunch of people wearing those corny German overalls."
MH: "Alright, one more, Hardcore Jay."
JK: "Hardcore Jay has enough on his plate dealing with some bondage freak following him about at shows. And I've got three men to worry about getting past before I get to him, too. So really all I'm going to say about him is that his the North American Champion and I hope I get the chance to fight him for that belt. All it takes is getting through three chumps to get there."
MH: "Very good, thank you for your time, Jackson."
The scene switches very quickly back to Mickey Horter standing in front of the cars again. It looks like everyone is getting just about ready to head out onto the road, they are just gathering up the last few things they are going to need.
Spliff: "Hey, anybody seen my Underdog pajamas>"
Jackson: "Boy, ain't you a bit old to be wearing them things anyway? They got the little feet sewn onto them and everything."
Spliff: "Too old? Don't get all jealous just cuz your mama threw yours out last week."
Jackson: "I don't have time for your foolish $#!+ right now, just walk away. Hey, everybody about ready? Let's go!"
Spliff: "Go my @$$, I'm not going anywhere with out my PJs."
Spliff goes storming back into the apartment building looking for his lost pajamas. Jackson shakes his head at him, until he notices Steve walking out with a blow up doll.
Jackson: "Where the hell are you going with that?"
Steve: "Its a long drive man, I'ma get hella lonely."
Jackson: "Take that thing back inside, I'm not gonna wake up and here you humping that ballon."
Steve: "Naw man, you're taking the Playstation 2. How come I can't take my own entertainment. Jackson takes one hard look at the seriousness on Steve's face and sighs. There's only one thing you can do when a friend is determined to take his blowup doll on a road trip. Jackson reaches onto the dash board and grabs a pen. He then uses that pen to stab the doll in the forehead and pop it, letting all the air out.
Steve: "Brenda!!!!! You bastard!"
Jackson: "That I am. Now get in the truck, lets go."
Jackson fires up the Escalade and holds the horn down for a minute until Toby hustles out and him and The Guy get into the van behind him. A minute later, Spliff comes out the house in his Underdog pajamas and hops into the back of the Escalade. Steve, meanwhile is in traumatic shock of the loss of his "girlfriend", until he finds a roll of Duck Tape under the passanger seat, then all his worries subside. The two vehicles head down Orleans Ave. to I-10 and then head out on the open road.
Mickey Horter: "Thank you for joining us here tonight for the first episode of '3ll Seekers'. Be sure to tune in next time to see what kind of adventures our friends will come across. This is Mickey Horter, wishing you all the best, good night everyone."
Fade out.