Are You A 3ll Seeker?
We open on "3lla" Jackson Kelly and the Orleans Ave. Posse haninging out in a local arcade in New Orleans. Spliff and Toby are standing in front of the Mortal Combat 9 machine, convulsively tapping the buttons and wiggling the joystick back and forth in a battle of monumental proportions. Jackson and the guy whose name noone knows are sitting in the drivers' seats of Cruisin' USA (yeah its the old one but that game rules!). Steve is no where to be seen, he must have wandered off after some high school girl or something. Toby jumps up and down excitedly as he finishes Spliff off with a Fatality.
Spliff: "Damm, I should have knew better then to fight you in this piece of crap game, you're lucky this ain't real, chump, I'da waxed you."
Toby: "Don't get all anal just cuz you never learned how to play Mortal Combat. I heard you can't f**K either but you never complain about that."
Spliff: "Your moms can't keep her mouth shut about nuthin' can she?"
Toby: "Naw, and your moms has the same problem with her legs, yo."
Spliff: "One more time, son, don't think I won't rip your trash talking tongue out and wipe my @$$ with it."
Spliff wanders over to where Jackson and the guy with no name are still racing and he starts pushing the view button on Jackson's screen, shifting the view in and out of the car while Jackson is trying to steer. Jackson swats him away with the back of his hand and recovers his out of control car.
3lla: "Cut that $#!+ out, what's your problem? Toby kick your @$$ again?"
Spliff: "That fool got lucky. He best be thankful I'm outta quarters. Yo, you about ready to dip, we should hit up Wendy's and get some quarter pound double stacks."
Jackson hits the finish line and gets out of his seat. He stands up and looks around the arcade.
Jackson: "Where'd Steve go?"
Just as Jackson asks the question, the answer appears just outside the arcade. Steve goes running by with no pants on and four mall security guards in hot pursuit. Jackson calls for the others to follow him and they take off after Steve and the Rent-A-Cops. Just past the food court, they stop for a minute so that Spliff can catch his breath.
3lla: "Man, you need to quit smoking so much herb, Spliff, that $#!+ gots your lungs all screwed up."
Spliff: "Who wants to be chasing Steve's dumb @$$ all over the damm mall anyway? We probably oughta just let the security guards get him."
Voice in the bushes: "Psst!"
3lla: "What was that?"
Jackson wanders over in the direction that the noise came from and finds Steve hiding in a bush by the payphones, still with no pants on. Jackson shakes his head at Steve and asks him:
3lla: "What kinda $#!+ is this, Steve? You were fully dressed when we got here, did you give your pants away to charity or what?"
Steve: "Naw, man, peep this some crazy $#!+ happened. See I left the arcade tryin' to talk to this fly @$$ huney. Anyway we gots to chit chatting and I bought her an Orange Julius and was putting the lines on thick, right? Well we was down by the Toy Land display with the big toy soldiers and the train and all. I went to lean against the side of that toy castle and the damm thing fell right over. So I lost my balance, right, and when I tried to catch myself my pant leg got caught on the white picket fence and so when I fell my pants ripped right off! And you know I don't wear drawls."
3lla: "How can one man be so ignorant? Alright, well we gotta get you dressed so we can get you outta here. Spliff, take this money and go buy this man some new pants."
Jackson digs in his pocket and hands Spliff three dollars and some change. Spliff goes running off to find somewhere with a big sale. About five minutes later, Spliff comes back with a shopping bag and hands it to Steve. Steve reaches inside and pulls out a pair of pink and yellow plaid golf pants.
Steve: "You actually expect me to wear these ugly things?"
Spliff: "What'd you expect for three bucks? Tommy Hilfiger?"
3lla: "You best put those on unless you want to go to jail for indecent exposure."
Steve curses a little more and then reluctantly puts the pants on. Jackson and the Posse head quickly to the nearest exit so that Steve isn't recognized. As they pile into Jackson's Escalade, they all have a good laugh at Steve and his new outfit.
3lla: "I hope you learned your lesson out of all this and quit messin' around with them little tramps."
Steve: "Hells yeah, I did! Next time I'ma take my pants off from the beginning, she chased me four stores down to give me her number!"
3lla: "Man, I ought to parade your @$$ around bourbon street in them pants for sayin' some dumb $#!+ like that."
Jackson drives off down the road with the others still babbling in his ear.
Fade out.
Fade in.
Later that evening, Jackson is found jogging down the street. He is wearing a pair of green sweat pants and no shirt. Jackson has a pair of headphones on listening to some music when he notices the NEW camera van pulling up along side him. The camera man is leaning out the side of the van as it moves slowly along the curb to keep pace with Da 3lla. Jackson pulls the headphones off his ears and begins to speak, never missing a stride or sounding out of breath.
3lla: "Well, would you look at this, I'm in the NEW for not three days and already "The Man" is trying to bring a brother down. Well, Lee Harvey Oswald, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person around here with a sense of humor, you got more jokes then a Chris Rock special on HBO. You gotta let me in on this whole Mexican monkey thing man, sounds like a side splitter. Oh, just to clarify, I don't think of women as just objects, but let's face it we're talking about Bourbon Street here. Most of those girls think of themselves as objects, just look at the Girls Gone Wild videos if you don't believe that. Now, I'm not here to toot my own horn like yourself, I've never won any titles in obscure wrestling leagues. As a matter of fact whenever you and I step into the ring it will be my first sanctioned match ever. Not that I'm concerned. See, I was trained by a guy who really was the most technically sound wrestler ever, "The Big Time" Kyle Barrows. Now, if he says I'm ready to compete, then I'm definately ready, he wouldn't let me out there to embarrass myself, or him for that matter. Perfection must be a hard thing to maintain, I wonder just how many times you've had your perfect little @$$ handed to you. Seems to me that the only thing that you said that wasn't a full out exageration would be the comments you made about Justin Sharpe. Justin's definately got some guts to come in and expect a match with the top cat in the NEW. Me, I think dominating you and him would be about the proof that management would need to let me get after one of these deadbeats with a belt. Maybe not though, regardless, its a start."
Jackson puts his headphones back on and turns the next corner sharp as the NEW van continues on down the road.
Fade out.