3lla: "Looks like we might have a pretty good turn out this afternoon."

Spliff: "Yeah, but all this isn't really necessary, I mean.."

3lla: "Well, of course its necessary, I've got a commitment the tv station, the show must go on, Orleans St. Posse or no."

Spliff: "Yeah, but.."

3lla: "No time for that now, Spliff, we've got to get this show on the road. Let's see, can we get our first contestant out here?"

The first person comes out from behind the curtain. Jackson picks up a pen and prepares to make notes about each person auditioning; without looking up Jackson fires off a question..

3lla: "So, tell us your name and a little about yourself."

Contestant #1: "My name is Hector, I'm from Birmingham. I'm into pain, there's nothing I like more then to go down to the local Tattoo parlor and get a new piercing. By the way, this job doesn't require air travel does it? Cuz I can't get through the metal detectors at the airport."

Jackson, who hadn't been paying much attention looks up finally at this odd question and nearly falls out of his seat.

3lla: "Good Christ, man, what the hell happened to you? You get attacked by a stapler or something?"

Contestant #1: "No, piercing is a popular form of body modification done by kids all over the country."

3lla: "Yeah, I'll keep that in mind, Dr. Doom.. NEXT!"

The first contestant walks off the stage and out comes the next. Jackson seems a little more focused on doing this right after starting on such a bad note.

3lla: "Alright, so tell us a little about why you should be on '3ll Seekers'... Hey haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

Contestant #2: "Hi, I'm Tom Sellick. I was a sex symbol in the 1980s on Magnum PI."

3lla: "Holy $#!+! I knew you looked familiar."

Contestant #2: "Yeah, I get that alot. By the way, would you like to go see my Ferrari? Its parked out back."

3lla: "Maybe some other time, I'm a bit busy at the moment. So, Mr. Sellick, can I be honest with you for a minute?"

Contestant #2: "Sure thing, kid, fire away."

3lla: "I think you may be a bit too old to be on my show. Nothing personal but we're looking to attract a younger audience."

Contestant #2: "Aw, come on, I was on FRIENDS."

3lla: "I'm sorry, I wish I could help you out some how."

Contestant #2: "Did I mention I've got my own helicopter?"

3lla: "Yeah, that's nice, but I'm afraid its just not going to work out."

Contestant #2: "How about the fact that I'm endlessly swarmed by hundreds of bikini clad women everywhere I go?"

3lla: "You know, on second thought why don't you leave us your number and we'll give you a call back in a day or two?"

Contestant #2: "Yes!"

Tom Sellick does a victory dance and walks off the stage.

3lla: "NEXT!"

Just then a silver streak goes flashing across the stage and the auditorium doors bust open with a loud crash as something exits.

Outside guys are climbing out of the giant shopping cart giving each other high fives.

Guy #1: "Did you see their faces?"

Guy #2: "Totally, they were hella impressed we're gonna get a call back for sure!"

Back inside.

Spliff: "What the hell was that?"

3lla: "I have no idea. NEXT!"

Another man walks up onto the stage and Jackson asks the usual generic questions.

3lla: "So what's your name and why should you be on '3ll Seekers'?"

Contestant #3: "My name is Steve and I'm a Kappa Ramma Linglong fraturnity member from the University of Florida, YEAH! I like to drink 'til I puke and party all the time, YEAH! I was on Girls Gone Wild once pinching some strange chicks nipple, YEAH! I'm majoring in business so I can make a $#!+ load of money and hire a Cuban maid with a perky @$$, just like my old man, YEAH! I've seen your show and you ROCK, YEAH!"

3lla: "Well you certainly seem enthusiastic. You do realize that being on the road so much leaves little time to party don't you?"

Contestant #3: "YEAH! Wait, what?"

3lla: "Well, usually we spend quite a bit of time driving and then we have to get to bed early to travel more the next day, its not exactly a glamorous life."

Contestant #3: "Well, screw that, I'm gonna go fine a kegger and get plowed, YEAH!"

Contestant #3 quickly vacates the stage.

The Guy: "Its a shame, he had such potential."

3lla: "Yeah, I was just getting used to the idea of cleaning the puke stains out of the back of the Escalade every morning. NEXT! All right tell us about yourselves guys."

Contestant #4: "I am Arthur, King of the Britons and these are the Knights of the Round Table. We are only a holy crusade seeking the Holy Grail."

Spliff: "Holy Grail? You guys should have come by earlier, we gave one to a guy as a parting gift."

Contestant #4: "You gave it away?"

Spliff: "Yeah, sure, the guy looked really upset, so I figured what the hell its just an old cup."

Contestant #4: "Old Cup? It was a holy relic handed down to man from God himself!"

Spliff: "Yeah, but it didn't match the new set of glasses I got, they're this cool sea green color with little bubbles all through the plastic, really nice."

Contestant #4: "You Twit!"

Spliff: "Twit? Your mother concieved you with a wildebeast while your father watched! Your sister has an internet porn sites where she refers to the first time she had sex as 'One time when I was really bad, Daddy...' And you, yourself, have often been seen crossdressing at the shooting range while listening to 'Its Raining Men' on your walkman. Now go away, you silly English Ka-nigits, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

With this Spliff begins hurling loose chairs and sporting equipment onto the stage.

Contestant #4: "Runaway! Runaway!"

Others: "Runaway!"

The Knights of the Round Table make a hasty retreat while Spliff tries to calm himself down. Jackson suggests that he and The Guy "take a ride" in the Escalade and let his troubles go "up in smoke". Spliff says he's alright and sits back down at the table. Jackson calls for the next contestant and a man walks out with a martini in his hand.

Contestant #5: "How you doin' there, baby? I'm Trey, I'm a film producer from Hollywood."

3lla: "Nice to meet you, Trey. Why don't you tell us what you would bring to '3ll Seekers'."

Contestant #5: "That's no problem, baby, see, what I'd do is I'd go out and find some beautiful baby girl and get her to get one of her beautiful baby friends to come back and chill with us. See, cuz I know I'm the bomb, baby, and I know you're looking like the money and the babies are going to love you. You're like this bear with the huge f**king claws and she's just this cute adorable little bunny, and you see the bunny and you're swatting around at her with your claws but you're not doing any damage, you gotta use your fangs and your claws cuz you aren't going to scare the bunny to death you gotta kill it, baby."

3lla: "Man.. I don't know what the f**k you just said, but you special.. You reached out and you touched a brother's heart... NEXT!"

Before the next contestant comes out, Steve and Toby show up. Toby is eating a box of fried chicken, slurping the grease off his fingers. Steve plops himself down next to Jackson and picks up the clipboard he's been using to keep notes on everyone we've met so far.

Steve: "So how's it going so far? Had any luck?"

3lla: "Yeah, its going great. So far it looks like I'll be travelling with Tom Sellick and the Knights who Say 'Ni'. Very promising."

Steve: "Well, it can only get better right?"

3lla: "Guess you're right, it can't get much worse. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing and call up James Oswald, maybe he'll travel with me to FireFights!"

Spliff: "But.."

3lla: "You're right, Spliff, The Man probably has his own jet or something, why would he want slum it driving around in the Escalade. Guess I should just accept that I'm going to be travelling alone."

Spliff: "But.."

3lla: "Alright, one more, but if this one isn't worth my time, I'm giving up. NEXT!"

Contestant #6: "Hey, sugar. I'm a sexy transvestite from Transexual, Transulvania. I enjoy long walks on the beach, dancing and, of course, listening to Blink 182."

3lla: "Oh God."

Steve: (whispering to Jackson) "Damm, she's hella fine, yo, hook me up, 3lla."

3lla: "I think I'm gonna be sick. That does it, I've had enough. There's nothing to do but continue on alone."

Spliff: "But.."

3lla: "Nope, I can't do it. I can't deal with all these morons and I'm sure as hell not going to share a hotel room with any of them."

Spliff: "Damm it, man, will you let me finish a sentence? I've been trying to tell you this whole time, just because Steve and Toby aren't going with you doesn't mean me and The Guy can't go. I still got some loot saved up, so you can cut all this searching crap out."

3lla: "Really? That's great! Alright, the rest of you guys can go home now, we've found the new cast."

The rest of the contestants waiting to audition leave with disappointed looks.

3lla: "Well, I'm glad that's all over with, this was getting almost as embarassing as the time we caught Steve in the closet with the vacuum cleaner and the hampster."

Steve: "Shut up, Jackson, you promised you'd never mention that again."

3lla: "I know but I also promised I wouldn't tell you about the time we found your mom passed out naked in Spliff's apartment, and that didn't last long did it?

Steve: "WHAT!!! You never told me about that!"

3lla: "I didn't? Oops... well, there goes that secret, huh?"

Fade Out.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws