| TITLE: A little less numb -- 2/? AUTHOR: Bree EMAIL: [email protected] RATING: PG-13 (Blood and feeding are mentioned again & Dawn uses the word ass -- oh my!) SPOILERS: BtVS Season 5 -- post "The Gift" CLASSIFICATION: S/D (friendship) SUMMARY: Dawn's 2nd journal entry since she was kidnapped by Glory and Buffy died to save the world. DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd love to claim ownership for all things BtVS, we all know that I don't own them and many more powerful, snake-handling professionals do. With that in mind, it's all for the fun of it people. LIGHTEN UP! DISTRIBUTION: Tremble, Lil' Nibblin, Railroad Spikes & Sunrises, The Adventures of Spike and Dawn, and any other D/S lists I'm on that archive. Anyone else, please ask first. FEEDBACK: If you want to live through the night. *wicked smirk* The choice is yours. AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not happy with the way this diary entry ended. I'm sending it out anyway because I've tired of re-writing it again and again only for the ending to sound even lamer. If I do re-write the 2nd entry, it will be updated when I archive it at Tremble. AUTHOR'S NOTE 2: It's been a while since I was 14, but I've tried to regress a bit into my teenage years to feel what Dawn would be feeling. But most importantly, to be able to write the way Dawn would express herself. I feel I've done a fairly good job, but if it seems too juvenile or not juvenile enough, like I said, it's been a while for me since junior high school. Just keep that in mind when reading these journal entries. DEDICATION: To Christine for all of her encouraging comments about Tremble whenever she emails, and to Nikolas for taking his nap so that mommy could write this next entry! ~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~ Journal entry - July 23, 2001 Buffy told me that Spike was a poet before he became a vampire. At first I laughed because it seemed so funny - Spike, a poet? As if! But lately I've seen something, or actually *someone* in Spike, and now I think that there's still a lot of that person, a lot of William, left in him. It's not like I never thought he was cool before, because I have, I mean I still do think he's cool. I know all about how when a person becomes a vampire they die and are taken over by a demon who remembers things, but Spike's different. He's not like other vampires. And not just because of that stupid chip the Initiative put in his head. I think if the chip were removed today he wouldn't go back to the way he used to be, you know all 'bloody railroad spikes' and stuff. Spike has totally changed. I think he changed because of Buffy - because he fell in love with her. I can't believe she didn't know, that *I* had to tell her. And I think deep down inside she really did care about Spike. I don't know if she loved him, not after everything she went through with Angel, and I definitely don't want Spike to ever know. It would really hurt him and he doesn't deserve that. Not after everything he's done for us, for me. See, Spike never had to help us this year at all. I remember when he was helping Adam last year to go against Buffy. He didn't care one way or another whether we lived or died and he had that chip in his head then. But at some point he decided to change, that helping us wasn't just something to do because he could beat up demons, but because it was something he wanted to do - help us. I guess I shouldn't complain so much about him watching out for me. I mean, it *is* pretty cool to have your own bodyguard, especially one that has fangs and can beat up demons and stuff. But it does get old very fast having someone hovering over you all the time. It's like if he doesn't take care of me 100% of the day he's breaking his promise to Buffy. So he told her he'd watch out for me, okay fine, but geez, come on! I am totally capable of getting myself up in the morning, fixing something to eat and yes, even making sure I brush my teeth at bedtime. He's probably tired of me bothering him, too. He doesn't feed enough, and he gets in these really bad fights when he goes patrolling because he won't let anyone go with him to help. Definitely not me because I'm too young of course (that's what they think), but he won't even let Willow or Xander go anymore. He says that they have to be ready to take care of me in case anything happens to him. So when he comes home after patrolling I yell at him about getting all beat up and how selfish he is for not letting anyone help. Then he gets mad at me for being so bratty. What's that about? I'm not a brat! I just don't want to lose him. I love Xander and Willow and Giles, and even Anya and Tara, too, but out of everyone I think the person that I would miss the most is Spike. He's the only one who knows what it's like to be the misfit, the one that doesn't fit in with the rest. That's why we get along so well, except for the fighting part. But Buffy and I fought, too, and I even caught Xander and Anya arguing once. I guess it's normal for people to disagree, especially people who care a lot about each other. If anything happened to Spike .. I don't even want to think about it. I still feel bad about being mean to him a few months ago. I was really rude to him after I found out what he did to Buffy when Drusilla came back. And I guess I had a right to be mad because of what he did to her, or was going to do. I told Spike to stay away from me, and I hurt his feelings. I could see in his face how hurt he was. I guess he really thought it wouldn't upset me that he tried to sick his ex-girlfriend on my sister. As usual Buffy didn't know I was listening when she told the gang and Giles what happened. They never know when I'm listening. I know more about all of them than they'd really want me to know, or want each other to know. I had this daydream once during a *really* boring history class that Spike was in love with me. That he was just pretending to like Buffy so he could spend time with me. Boy was I lame. I mean, why would Spike ever look at me as anything but the kid sister of the Slayer or the thing he has to take care of until the end of time? Even if I were older and pretty like Buffy was, it's my fault she's gone. I'm sure that's all he thinks of when he looks at me. I know he's only staying here because he has to, because of his promise to Buffy. But I made a promise, too, and no one but Buffy knows about it either. She told me that the hardest thing in the world was to live in it, but that she wanted me to live it for her, and to be brave and strong. Sometimes it's not easy doing any of that - living, being brave or trying to be strong. But I have to make sure that everyone is okay. Buffy took my place that night, so I'm taking hers. I have to live for her, be brave for the Scoobies, and be strong for Spike, because even though he'd like to think he's just a bad ass vampire, he really does have the soul of a poet. ~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~ |