| Impersonal X-Mas Cards |
| You know them - you KNOW you get them on occasion...the impersonal X-mas card where people are too busy and important to personally write or even sign a real keepsake (like a kid's picture) for you, so they send you a generic newsletter bragging about their accomplishments. (Newsletter may or may not come with a generic pic of the ugly, nerdy family.) Well, here's my parody one. And to think, it was just 1992 when Jessica and I agreed these are puke-inducing and we wanted to write parody ones for fun. Maybe I outta call Hallmark and see if I can do this for a living. |
| Merry Christmas! Well, this was a great year. United Airlines closed its Indianapolis hub, so I got laid off. I tried getting a job, but even Toxic Hell wasn't hiring because so many other ghetto people applied and kept their jobs. I worked at White Castle a week before it got robbed, and then I quit because the gun shot wound hurt my leg too much to stand up. I'm collecting welfare at the moment. The kids are doing MUCH better, though! Maggie turned 12 in October and decided to open her first pimpin' business. She has her junior high friends as hoes. Our daughter Dani, 6, is a pimp-in-training and I'm SO proud that they're supporting the family. The best part is that I don't have to claim it on taxes because it's all under-the-table! My babies' daddies came back to see them over the summer, and that was great. The twins' dad said he'll start paying $15 a week child support! I said that'd be great. Even he doesn't know about Maggie's pimpin' business, so we'll be rolling in the money. Rolling with the homies is where we be! Peace Out!!! Pimp Momma |
| Merry X-MAS! Hey, baby Jesus is turning 2003, and I have sum good news for you! I'm pregnant with my 15th pregnancy! As you know, I gave up my first two for adoption when I was 14 and 15. Then, I miscarried the next three. I gained 50 pounds after that, and then I surprisingly found a new boyfriend, Mitch. Well, we got married before my 17th B-Day, and then he beat me to a pulp before my 18th. We had 5 kids together in that time, though. Daddy killed him, got electrocuted, and then Mitch came back from the dead to kill him. When he found out Daddy was dead, he tried to kill me. My oldest kid with Mitch, Milt, threw a knife at Mitch after he tackled me. Milt killed his daddy, which was great for me! They couldn't try Milt because Daddy was already tried for that crime. So then after Mitch, I went gay and hooked up with Leighanne. She dumped me because she didn't like living with my kids. So I had a few more with a few random guys, and now I'm pregnant with my 15th. I can't name them all, but who cares anyway, right? All that matters is that my life is good and yours is shit. Peace! Luo Anne |
| Seasons greetings, friends and enemies! My kids are perfect, and so am I because I'm the mother. Little Tracy scored a 1600 on the PSAT, which she was allowed to take in 2nd grade due to her 150 IQ score. My little man, Dylan, is getting into Kindergarten a year early because he knows how to read and write in both English and Japanese. He plans to learn Spanish and French next summer before 1st grade. Tracy is busy with swimming (she won state for her age group in the 50 Free, 50 Fly, 50 Back, and 100 IM), dance class (she studies ballet, tap, jazz, gymnastics, and cheering - and she made the Sacramento Ballet's Nutcracker), equestrian classes (she prefers Palaminos to Clydesdales), soccer (she's on the competition team), softball (she's shortstop, of course) and archery. She plans to start synchronized swimming and ice skating next winter. We play table tennis, volleyball, and badmitton in our spare time because they're Olympic sports. Just in case she can't win an academic scholarship, we want her to win an athletic one! Dylan is playing football, T-ball, soccer, and go-kart racing already. I'm Senior Vice President at my company now. My husband, Miff, is the Junior Vice President of his company. We're so happy and rich! Buffy |
| What can I say? Life sucks total ass. I tried killing myself, but it didn't work. The Vicotin were replaced with sugar pills by my psychotic X-wife who left me for her gun-toting pimp and drug dealer. Nothing ever works for me - not even my suicide attempts! My wife of 20 years, Christy, left me because she said I wasn't exciting enough for her. Our kids Lizzie, 15, and Mike, 11, are handling it quite well. Lizzie keeps saying Christy beat the shit out of her when she was high on Cat. Mike said he watched his own mom piss her pants at the dinner table and eat her own puke for breakfast. She also had a nervous breakdown where she cried about wanting to kill herself, but the kids talked her out of it. When I tried, the kids were at school. I'm hoping the judge lets me get full custody of the kids. I got fired from job because a boss stole and had the power to frame me for it. I got a job at McDonald's as an assistant manager so I'm stable and can keep the kids. It's not the best job, but I got the kids jobs, so we're all happier now that we have money. Christy used to steal money from us and buy Cat and heroin with it. It just sucks I have to wear a stupid hat at age 50. But really, all in all, life is looking up for us! With any luck, the kids will graduate with good enough grades to get into college. I won't be able to pay for it, but since I'm so poor, they'll get plenty of help from the government. |
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| Yo! Wassup, hoes and pimps? I be's looking for new hoes to pimp, and I be's hoping all y'all pimps stay away from my territory because you know what I'll do if you don't. If you don't know, let me refresh your memory, ah-ieeght? Last January started out great for me. Sug Knight tried talking smack to me, so I pulled a gun on him and said "Get outta my way!" He did. He later shot some people and is in prison for a parole violation, but he knows I'll kick his ass when he gets out. February was a slow month, so I went into the suburbs to cause some shit. Greenwood sure is fun if you're black! Everyone's fucking scared of me there. I raped some bitches (male, of course), and they begged for it up the ass again. I said, "Hell no, whitey! I got bitches to screw, more girls to do - sucks to be you!" I had this guy who went by "Satan" harrassing me and trying to stalk me just because he liked my big ass dick. He sucked it good, but I didn't wanna deal with the baby momma drama. He pretended to be pregnant, and that's when I told him it was over for good. He came into my hood anyway, and I fired some warning shots at him. He left me alone. In March, I got into pimpin grad school and taught an undergrad class at Matt's School of Fine Fucking. That man's the pimp! You should see his hot bitch/wife! DAYUM, I'd like to tap dat ass. I can see why Satan talks about her all the time, too. He yelled her name when I fudge-packed him. Satan was a student. I told Satan he had no game and he wasn't getting laid by his Hot Housewife anytime soon. He asked how I knew, so I told him, "Because she yells her husband's name when I do her, not yours!" Of course that's a lie, but it sure got a laugh out of the class! The rest of the year was great! I made money. I'm the asst. Dean of the school now, too. -Pimp Asst. Dean Puff Daddy |
| Yo! I'm still single and sexy as hell. Sherry didn't suck my dick right, so I bitch slapped her and told her to go to hell. She said, "I'll see you there, Satan!" I smacked her again for using my name out of context. Then there were some one-night-stands I met at World Mardi Gras, but I can't remember their names or phone numbers. When I run into them and they recognize me, I have to fudge like I know them, and that's just bad. They know the truth and end up hitting me a lot. I work part-time at the high school I ruled at years ago as a substitute teacher. I hang out at the mall on my days off. I also like to harrass people that mess with me. It's my goal in life to get back at everyone who disses me or who ever did diss me. I'm looking for a woman who's worthy of being with me, so if you find her, send her my way. I don't care if she's your wife or girlfriend. I'm the best-looking, smartest guy from our high school, so I deserve the best. I should get everything I want in life. Remember, bad things happen to bad people. If you want to be my friend, you know what's best for you and you'll do as I say. I have more powers than anyone on this earth ever will have, so don't piss me off. I get revenge like no one else! Satan |