The Paths Not Taken
Secrets of the Soul part 5 (missing scene continued - end of episode)
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//Private Thoughts or mental argument - when one person is trying to decide something.//
*//Thoughts broadcast to/from (another) telepath//*
~Emphasis marks~
~~~~ scene change - small (or POV change)
******** scene change - large (or POV change)
(PG 13 still . . .)
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Everything hurt.
Everything.
Zack managed to moan softly as consciousness returned with agonizing slowness. He managed to crack open his eyes to what seemed to be a blinding presence, gradually the glare was reduced to the dim glow from a lamp nearby, the only light that had been left on when Zack started trying to soothe Lyta. // . . . not that it helped her much. AAUGH! tHe PaIn!!!//
Breathing was excrushiating.
Moving was worse, but Zack managed to turn his head enough to locate Lyta, wearing her untied robe over her panties, curled up fetal position in the furthest corner of the room, slowly rocking back and forth, eyes closed as she leaned against the wall, eyes closed, mouth moving in what was either a feverish prayer or a song without words.
He slowly managed to sit up, noticing vaguely his battered body's protests while fighting to stay cognative.
It was several minutes before he tried to stand, was mostly successful, so he moved over to her side, not touching her this time as he sat down beside her. Despite the agonising screams every nerve in his body was making, his brain was able to function enough to realise his sudden move had been a mistake. A big mistake.
Not that it would stop him from trying to help.
"Lyta?" He whispered, winching from how terribly loud his own voice seemed. This was far worse than any hangover he'd ever had.
She didn't stop rocking, or whispering. Tearstains marked her face, moisture trickling from eyes clenched shut. It was also obvious that she'd thrown up on herself very recently. Zack tried again. "Lyta, I'm ok . . . you didn't hurt me." He tried to ignore his body's agony as he lied.
She stopped her rocking back and forth, but not anything else. He moved his hand out, hesitated, then placed it on her shoulder.
She froze, opening her eyes but not towards him. Zack moved into her line of sight. "I'm ok . . . it's ok." It wasn't as much a lie this time, the pain was receeding.
Lyta's lips moved in a new way, the words still too faint for him to make out. She was looking right through him.
"Lyta?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She kept up the faint mantra as he closed his eyes in anguish. //Everything I do terrifies her more . . . how can I help her without hurting her?//
His headache was clearing, but the heart pain wasn't. He got up, tossed his discarded clothes along with hers into the thermal unit to be cleaned, and led her to the bathroom. Zack peeled off her stained robe and underwear, then turned on the shower and made her get in. //She's a bigger mess than I am,// he realised, getting out a new set of clothes for her. //If the universe is dead set against us being romantic, so be it, but I'm still going to look after her with all of my abilities.//
He did some memory running, then placed an order with medlab. Next he linked into Delenn's office and made an appointment for later in the evening.
She was unresisting as he dressed her, but she wasn't exactly cooperating either. She just kept whispering that she was sorry, until he put his hand over her mouth again.
"Lyta, it's ok. I feel fine now; I just need to clean up. Promise me you'll stay here, and won't trance out like that again while I shower, ok?"
She nodded, still looking pale and sick as she huddled by herself on the couch.
"Answer me out loud. And we meet with Delenn after the Alliance session adjourns for the day - a couple of hours."
"I'm staying here . . . it was an accident, I panicked. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It was an ~accident~, I never wanted to do that do you."
He put his arm around her briefly, a very gentle hug. "I'll just be a few minutes. If the Doc arrives before I get out, you can let her in, ok?"
"When . . .?"
"I asked Dr. Hobbs to mix something up - perfectly normal, but not something you'd keep around since it's normal use is easier to care for with other, cheaper drugs. But it'll calm you, and your stomach, down. Plus it won't mess up your system - or telepathy - in any way."
"What's it called?" She asked nervously.
She blinked when he told her.
"Zack, that's usually for morning sickness . . .when more common medicines don't work or can't be used."
"I know she'll get the wrong idea, but it'll help, and won't hurt. All the other anti-nausea ones out there would make your emotional level worse, because you'd lose your ability to block out thoughts. Your system can't take them. Ditto for a tranquilizer."
She nodded, understanding.
Zack hurridly took a shower, pulling on his now-clean uniform. He had almost a minute to sit beside her on the couch, holding her as she fought panic back over her new-found aspect of 'talent': knocking someone unconscious for hours. She knew what she was capable of. And with the borders moved back, it confirmed something she'd been frightened of: without the Vorlons here to control the effects of her alteration, the changes were slowly but surely accelerating.
She'd almost killed Zack by a thought. And he knew it.
She was f*cking terrified.
They both jumped slightly as the door chirped at them. "Come," Zack called.
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Dr. Hobbs entered with a small case, pausing only slightly as she saw Miss Alexander's empty expression.
Chief Allan waved her over to where he cradled the unnaturally pale woman in his arms, trying to soothe her faintest of whisperings as Hobbs moved her shirtsleeve up and administered the first injection.
" . . . I'm sorry. I didn't know, didn't mean to. I'm sorry Zack I didn't want to do this to you-"
She gave Lyta the second injection.
"It's ok, Lyta," he interrupted. "I'm not angry, It's ok - you can't take the blame, I -" He stopped suddenly, not wanting to continue with the third person present.
Dr. Hobbs gave the third and final shot, trying to decide how to start talking on this - she hadn't done an examination of Lyta, didn't know how far along the pregnancy might be, but from the current mood it was almost certainly an unwelcome surprise.
No one got through med school without at least one encounter with Psi Corps. The moment a telepath was suspected to be involved, boom, the corps was there, testing. Lillian Hobbs knew full well that any new telepath was taken into their custody instantly, usually to never see family again for months, years, possibly forever.
Including infants - if the Corps finds out a known telepath is pregnant, they order her to Corps headquarters, usually on earth, sometimes Mars. Months later, the telepath might be assigned back, but usually they were sent elsewhere. Never with the child.
Hobbs had worked with Lyta Alexander before. When a telepath was needed in a medlab, they'd bring her in. ID'ing unconscious victims, helping assault patients, the odd time when a latent teep became active and couldn't take the sudden mental strain. Hobbs knew Miss Alexander was invaluable, to the alliance and to B5, and that the corps would use any excuse to take her back and cut her apart to find out what - if anything, since the scan Steven gave her upon her dazzling return showed she was totally normal - the Vorlons had done to her.
Dr. Hobbs had taken the Hippocratic oath seriously, but this was one time following station regs meant violating that oath. So she'd break the rules instead. "I haven't made a record of this yet. I'm not going to. No charge, no data, but if . . . if you continue the pregnancy, you'll need to have examinations done regularly to ensure the health of the fetus. If not, transferring doesn't ~need~ a record, but either way, I'm assuming you'll want to try to keep it away from Psi Corps somehow. The rules on teep children are ferociously strict."
"I know already." She said in a not-quite-dead tone, as the Chief held the unresponding woman a little closer.
Hobbs continued, keeping her professional mask up. "This round of injections should be working at 100% within an hour, lasting almost a week. If you need more then, just ask, but sometimes these symptoms fade by then, although the first trimester is the usual timeframe. There's more info on this data crystal, unless you have any questions now . . ." She placed the crystal into his waiting hand.
"No, we'll be ok. Thank you for coming all this way." Chief Allan replied.
"It's not a bother, she was obviously too ill to go all the way to a medlab . . . but anyway . . . congratulations." The doctor turned and departed.
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After the door closed, Lyta wrapped her arms around Zack, confused as to why he'd help her, still frightened, upset that they'd basically lied to the doctor, but grateful for Zack's protection. //Why would he do this?//
"We'll be ok, Lyta. We'll be ok." He clasped one of her hands in his, stroking it with his thumb. "Will you let me know when you're feeling well enough to keep food down? You haven't eaten for a while, neither have I. I'm starving, so as soon as you are able, I'm making something to eat."
"You can start. I . . . I'm hungry as well." She tried to stand up without assistance, but quickly decided to stay sitting down. "Would you like something to drink? These last few days have been less than stellar."
Zack laughed. "You have the most incredible gift for understatement." He lifted her hand, placing a kiss on the back of her palm before getting up.
He returned a minute later, two glasses of juice in hand. "I realise you probably meant something stronger, but the last thing you need right now is alcohol. I don't drink anymore, anyway. Sip slowly, in case it decides to come back up." He moved back to the kitchenette, taking a drink from his own glass.
She rolled her eyes as she sipped. "Optimist."
"Where the heck did you get real eggs?!?" Zack lit up like a Christmas tree at his discovery.
"Ummmm . . . well . . . those weren't imported from earth, exactly."
Zack paused, looking at the eggs in his hand, then to her, then back to the eggs. "Do I want to ask?"
"Drazi."
"There - aren't - any - birds on the Drazi homeworld. I think."
"Nope. But those do make a good omlette anyway." She watched the expressions on his face changing, trying to keep from smiling as he tried to decide whether or not to eat the eggs.
Lyta did have to admit that the injections were helping a great deal. //You are not afraid of me . . . you don't hate me despite what has been done to me. I don't know ~why~, but I am very grateful.// She stood up, moving beside him. He didn't pull away. "Thank you." She spoke quietly to him, watching his face.
Their eyes met, his with a question in them. "What for?"
"Not hating me. For being what I am."
"I figured you didn't really have a choice - the Vorlons had us believing they were, well, angels is probably the best word. Not that hard of a decision, 'Do I let the Psi Corps kill me for revealing the personality plant, or do I trust myself to an angel?' " Zack blinked at her sad expression. "How close did I get?"
"Bull's eye. Before I left here the second time, I asked Kosh if he'd let me see him . . . and he showed me again, what I had seen and ~felt~ and experianced before." Her eyes were focused in the past. "I thought it was God. I thought I'd been called to be a disciple. I let them do anything they wanted to me . . . none of it hurt, I was scared and confused a few times, but then, I'd feel one of them brush my mind, and everything was as it should be." Her voice turned bitter. "I let them ~program~ me, without even knowing what they were doing!" She placed her hand on her neck, palm stroking along the sides, near her shoulders. Her words were suddenly ashamed and meek. "I let them . . . even when I realised I couldn't be considered human anymore."
"Say what?" He squawked in surprise, his arms around her preventing her from pulling away. "Lyta, when the scanners track you, they're tracking human signs."
"Scanners can be fooled, Zack, and you know it." //Why did I start this conversation?// Lyta wondered to herself, already knowing the answer. //If he doesn't find out now he will eventually, no sense putting off the pain - but - if I let Zack knew he'd never agree to help the children . . . //
"Lyta, snap out of it!" Zack was shaking her by the shoulders, trying to get her to notice him, notice anything.
She jumped and blinked, confused for a moment, then she knew what had happened and closed her eyes in anguish. 'How long was I gone?"
"Maybe a minute, two at most. You just . . . weren't here." He touched her temples with his hands. "I worry about you when you do that. Lyta, why would you say . . .what you said?"
"I can't tell you, won't tell you what has happened to me! I don't know even, not all of it, what I found out I could do today, Oh Lord Zack, I have never been so scared, I thought I'd killed you and it made me sick, after I'd been able to trust you I thought I'd killed you and I couldn't deal with it!"
He hugged her tightly to him, and attempted to lighten the mood. "Well, I'd have died happy . . ." His uncertain grin faded at her cross expression. "I guess it would have been hard to explain to security why their boss had died in your bed."
She blinked at him in disbelief. "I hadn't thought that far, actually, I hadn't thought of much besides I'd killed again and I didn't ever want to feel that way again, but thank you for your concer-" Her frustrated retort was cut short by his mouth on hers, his tongue moving in before she could close her lips, smothering her final whimper as she plunged into the kiss, letting it linger on hungrily for long minutes.
Finally they came up for air.
"You don't fight fair," she half-complained as she grasped his neck and pulled him back down for another kiss. //And if this will keep you away from my alterations, I will not protest. You ~are~ good at kissing . . . // She moved closer to him then froze again as she felt his reaction.
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Zack felt her press against him then stop. //Damn!// He thought miserably, pulling back. //I've gone and spooked her again.//
"You can get the table set, I'll start dinner. I'll take your word on these eggs. What else do you have? I'm not a bad cook, just don't get much practice with guests. As a guest."
She showed him what was kept where - he already knew some of it, from helping her set up again after the second vorlon had ordered all her belongings to be removed and destroyed.
That had been the best time he'd had in a very long time, if you didn't count the terrible heartburn he'd gotten afterwards from the pizza. She'd been rattled about something when he'd arrived, but gradually her frustration had eased as one by one her new furnature was pieced together. Although the pieces whose instructions were in a language neither could read were a pain, being assembled 'by guess and by golly', with several bits left over that they had no idea what to do with.
They'd talked for hours while assembling components, unpacking, talking about nothing and everything. Life on the station, comparing lives before: growing up, being poor when he could see the mansions of the wealthy over the roofs of the shantytown, being latent and having to watch as all her friends became active and left for different places, usually never to be recognised again. They talked about some of what he'd done in earthforce, what they'd both done during the minbari war, her years working with Xenocorp. Everything had been done when they sat down and kept discussing favorite foods, music - his tastes covered a wide range, that night he introduced her to many new - and very old - songs, she had taught him the basic steps of some of the more formal dances, and knowing he'd probably never use them hadn't stopped either one.
What happened after that evening, neither of them was quite sure. They'd just . . . never gotten back together. Both sidetracked, by the civil war, by his promotion and all the additional duties that came with it. She'd smile, or he'd say hello when they'd see the other, and they'd talked some, but never on personal matters, usually just whichever business required their brief mutual presence. They'd never been alone together for any length of time, not while she was coherent at least.
They slowly spoke about their mutual pasts, as they ate.
"It's never easy, when you don't know they 'why' for the other person's actions, is it. Lyta, I'm so sorry I was such a-"
"Don't! Apologize! It wasn't your fault, you were probably assuming I could sense your emotions. I should have been able, all telepaths are unable to block strong emotions, but I was able to block everything, from others and from myself. I had learned how to block everything, while I worked for Kosh. A gift from him, from the real Kosh. To pretend I was normal, or even a latent again, something I hadn't been able to do in such a long time. If I had been listening, I wouldn't have had to learn the hard way that I ~was~ liked. Times that could have been different. Like - like . . . when I returned from Coriana 6."
Zack stared at the table. "I know. Too well."
"No, you don't. At least not all of it, you don't know. They ~didn't~ lure or force me down there, you didn't know."
Zack looked confused.
She didn't meet his eyes, staring at her empty plate. "I went down there on my own. They just happened to come by at the wrong - or maybe it was the right - time. Or they followed me. Either way, you deserve the know the full story, or at least as much as I can recall."
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