by bob harris
March 1999 - Who decides what is "safe"?
Safe, sane, Consensual. You've heard the term a thousand times. For most, it's been drummed into our heads from the moment we entered the lifestyle. But, do we really understand what these terms mean, especially when it comes to public dungeon play between players who are both very experienced in the particular type of play being done and in playing with each other?
This past year i was involved in the judging of at least a dozen different leather title contests. In just about every one of those contests, there were two questions which were posed to the contestants. The first was to define what "safe, sane, consensual" meant to them. The second was what would they do if they were in a situation where, at a public dungeon party, they witnessed a scene that they felt exceeded their definition of those concepts. Most answered the first question basically along the lines that the players should observe safe sex guidelines, take the proper precautions to avoid serious or permanent injury, not be affected by drugs or alcohol and that the scene be fully negotiated in accordance with the submissive's limits. The second question generally produced answers ranging from stopping the scene themselves, to seeking out the person in charge, and leaving the decision to them whether the scene should be interrupted or not. Unfortunately, it was usually those who were newer to the scene who said they would interrupt the scene themselves. Unfortunate, i feel, because when questioned further, most of them were basing what was "safe" according to their own limits of play venues and intensity levels. Very rarely, if ever, did any of them say that they would first try and find out if what they were witnessing was a normal intensity level for the players involved, or if anyone else present was aware of whether or not the scene had been negotiated prior to the advent of the scene. But, what is most unfortunate, is that it is not uncommon for this to actually happen causing some very excellent players and wonderful dungeon facilites to get a reputation for being unsafe.
In general, either one, or both parties involved in a Master/slave relationship, is very experienced in the lifestyle. Should they be seen playing in a public arena at a high intensity level, they are very susceptible to be being termed unsafe by those who lack the knowledge to make such decisions, or who have personal fears concerning that particular venue of play. And no play venue, or level of intensity, is immune to being considered unsafe by somebody. Recently, i had a discussion with a very inexperienced submissive who felt that any level of mummification was totally unsafe. Her reason? She has claustrophobic tendencies and was very afraid, on a personal level, of having even the slightest amount of mummification performed on her. So therefore, it is unsafe for anybody.
Of course, one way to avoid ever being labelled unsafe is to never participate in public play or demonstrations of any kind. But, if the experienced players are not out there to show the beauty and joy that comes from the exchange of energy created during the intense play between individuals who have a complete trust, respect and love for each other, how are those who have not experienced it for themselves ever going to be able to understand, or have any idea whatsoever, of what serious S/M play can provide, much less, what a Master/slave relationship is about? That energy exchange is something that must be witnessed in order to be understood. It is not something that can be described by words alone.
Perhaps one way to avoid the problem is to realize that any public scene we participate in may cause discomfort to someone, and that we have a responsibility to make sure that there is a way for that person to have their discomfort alleviated. First, we must make sure that the person in charge of the facility, either the sponsoring group's organizer or the appointed Dungeon Master, be aware that a potentially intense scene is about to take place, that this is our normal level of play, and that all involved have consented to what is about to happen. If need be, allow the Dungeon Master to confirm this individually with each participant. This should allow the Dungeon Master to be able to dispel any concerns brought to them. Second, the participants should make themselves available afterwards to discuss the scene with those who may have questions or concerns. On the other hand, to you less experienced players, it is your responsibility to take it upon yourself to ask questions and learn about the great amount of diversity in play venues and intensity. It is also your responsibility not to judge others by your own fears and limitations. For it is not fair to ask that experienced players tone down their play in public, nor is it fair that the experienced players are made to feel uncomfortable to the point that they sacrifice there own opportunity for enjoyment by either just not playing or not coming to the event in the first place. It is also not fair to deprive those who wish to be exposed to more intense play scenes be denied that opportunity.
We talk alot about celebrating the diversity of people and their interests within the various fetishes of the S/M community. We need to expand that to include the celebration of the diversity of style and intensity as well. There is room for everyone, and every level of play in our community. Let's make sure we don't lose that by allowing the less experienced to dictate the limits of the terms "safe, sane, consensual".
