genda

Gender, what gender??

Born as a boy in a female body and raised female was not the way I would have planned it, if I had had my way, I would look like a Tom Of Finland character, be Rich and Famous AND live forever looking no older than 35. But.... I was not in control at the birth "gender centre" and here I am.. a sexy gigolo guy, living in a Big Bulldaggers Body... * OK so I din't lose out TOOO badly afterall :) * I guess I knew I was different from when I was around 8, when at acting school I was asking girls to dance with me, and they actually would, * I practiced asking them from watching the old movie greats *

When I started horseriding , the tight girly pants was somthing I never treasured, but wore *until I dicovered army BDU;s* but did like the look of other girls in them .... and would sit with some of the older boys and perve. *they actually never had a problem with that until I came out to them as gay, and a "butch". After that they never talked to me because I was a freak and I did something bad to their masculinity, just by being around. Fear of the unknown I guess. I was then plastered with the term "lemon, Lezzie and queer" and I did some research and discovered that yes, thats what I am. all of the above, thanks for noticing.

Most people who knew me then called me a tomboy, even when I went to the other extreme once I realised that being attracted to girls was "not natural" I tried to be all feminine like and kept my hair long, and tight grrly clothes and dresses, having boyfriends and one night flings..., but I was never ever comfortable, until out in the paddock or stables in my jeans/BDU's and typical male attire and behaviour. Out cleaning stables, digging for agricultural pipes and doing the "boy" things on the farm.

Coming out as gay was a natural step for me then, one I made early, without consulting anyone about it really. I had already decided I was before hand, and so telling people was the next rational step. It was just something I fell into *waves self conciously to those I must have fallen ON to* But things still din't feel right for me,

I knew I was "butch" I mean the boys at school taught me that, and I knew I was interested in women, but now that I knew I wanted them, how did I make myself known to them?? I was lucky enough to have a butch I met in the city at a bar * me going in underage * take me under hir wing and show me the ways of the world, insofar as women, butches and masculinity, She always had on a strap on on, and I always felt nekkid without the cock I thought should be there, so This big butch "Al" and I went and got me my first cock, Once I put that baby on I felt fantastic, I mean I wish i could explain the rush. Something akin to drugs, but all natural. just perfect. It was like a homecoming.

Then there was a dilemma..

I mean being gay and butch was me, there was no denying that, but there was something missing, I was not and AM not comfortable bneing identified as female, call me a duck, call me a cow, just don't call me She, Her, Girl, or any of those what I would call gender stereotypes, because I aint, never have been.. So I changed my name amongst my friends to "Rexx" and that was a good step forward, ok my mum still calls me Rachel on occasion, but then Rexx was still too female, so I bit the bullet and changed everything including my name to Preston McKelroy (with my old last name as a middle name)

Preston then had James added onto it in respect to a dear friend who passed on at September 11 and So PJ was born.

I am so chuffed these days because my darling lil brother D. calls me his "bestest big brother ever PJ", and when My Ma tells him that "Rachel" is on the phone and he says "Hi PJ!". Being validated by a 6yo, sounds like a strange thing, but truthfully, every little bit counts, And then recently, a dog of a friends that only really barks at men growled at me *k9 validation?*

So I really ID as both male and female, to my mum and to my family * except my lil bro* I will be Rachel, female in name and body, even when I have a beard and male shaped body. To my good friends, I am Preston, bi-gendered tho called He. Actually, to some of my straight friends * I have a few * I am just "Preston" or "Pj" which for some of the older generations I have as my friends, is a big step in acceptance.

I am only considering going half way with gender re-assignment surgery, Tho being a no-touch Stonebutch that is cock centric, I don't really have a connection with my girl bits, I mean they all work and everything but I am not willing to sacrifice that for a cock I may not be able to use like a regular one..but chest surgery is definatelt on the short term future cards...

So what Gender am I... well, both, there is no denying I was once female, and that I have been raised female. but I am not comfortable within myself as female.. so not female... but male, the man within I have always aspired to be.

So HE, Mr Preston McKelroy makes me happy, and until that changes so He'll stay.