My husband has now been gone for over five years. I�m still here� still breathing� and still living my life.
But there are times when I am merely existing and just trying to make it through an unusually difficult day.

I am seasoned, mature� an �old-timer�. I have survived the raw pain and have attempted to move forward with my life.
But when the death of a spouse occurs within the lives of my family and friends (as it has during the past five years)
this old-timer does not have any words of wisdom.
I don�t have the magic answer or potion to make their grief go away. I only wish I did.

The same holds true when I receive emails from the newly bereaved.
I invite them to join Hearts of Survivors - where I hope that they will feel less alone and more normal,
by interacting with others who have also lost their spouses at an early age.
But none of us in this group have the power to take away all their pain.

Shortly after the loss of your spouse, you will hear the phrase �It Gets Better�.
Sometimes that phrase will be spoken by others who have walked in your shoes.
And sometimes it will be spoken by people who simply can not fathom the loss of a spouse.
I didn�t believe that statement the first few times I heard it.
I didn�t believe that anybody (even those who had lost their own spouse) could possibly know how I felt inside.
I was wrong.

It does get better.
The raw pain will melt over time.
Your grief and your heartache and life in general do get easier to deal with as time goes by.

But don�t expect to wake up some morning a year or more after the death and magically feel all better.
Your heartache will still be with you, and it will probably be with you for the rest of your life.
But it will not make an appearance as often as it does right now.

Eventually you will fall into your own individual patterns.
You will learn what sets you off (not just milestone days, sometimes just a specific song or event)
and you will learn the best way to deal with those emotions as they arise.
You will surprise yourself by doing things that you never had to do before,
even if you don't do them properly or correctly the first time around.

And as your heart begins to heal and your strength begins to grow -
you will figure out the best way to deal with your children's grief,
how to handle the obnoxious (and just plain stupid) comments that people say,
and what to do about meddlesome in-laws.

Life goes on � no matter how terrible or how true that statement may be.
It may feel like time stood still when your spouse died (and it probably did for a brief while) but time has continued onward.
Time makes things better�
it won�t make things perfect or make every day a pleasant one � but time will help ease your pain.

And easing your pain is the first step towards living your life.
Living a full life is the greatest gift that you can give to your spouse, your children, and most of all� to yourself.

To Help a Widowed Sibling or Friend:

There have been many occasions when people have approached me in person or contacted me via email �
asking how they can help their newly widowed sibling or friend.
My opinion on that subject basically consists of Do�s and Don�ts.

To begin with - grief is an assault on the entire being� physically, emotionally, socially, mentally and spiritually.
It is a process that takes a lot of time, energy and determination. And that process is different for each individual.
It�s not polite to tell another individual how they should grieve.
In fact� that�s just rude - even if your beliefs are voiced with the best intentions.
Grief is intensely personal and everyone grieves in their own unique way.

To be perfectly blunt � if you have not lost your own spouse at a young age,
then you do not know or can not understand the emotions of the surviving spouse.
Even if you have lost your parent or your child, that is a different type of grief� not better or worse, just different.

Don�t mention that they are young and able to find someone else.
And don�t make reference to finding a new mother/father for their children.
Don't use expressions like:
"I know how you feel... He/she is no longer suffering� This is God's will... You need to be brave or strong."
You may mean well by making those comments, but they are very hurtful to the bereaved.

Don't hesitate to talk about the deceased.
And please feel free to use their name in a sentence - avoiding their name makes it seem as though they never existed. Encourage the bereaved person to talk about the deceased, and about their feelings and their concerns.
And accept their feelings and concerns without taking them personally.

Do pay special attention to grieving children. Children need the security of family and friends at this time.
Don�t try to take the place of the lost parent, but do try to be a positive male or female role model.
Take the children to fun places � an arcade, the movies, etc�
toss a ball around or fly a kite in the backyard or the neighborhood park.
Most children are able to put their grief on hold when exposed to these types of outings.
Try to maintain an equal balance between one-on-one outings and outings that include other children.
The bereaved spouse will be thankful to escape from parenting chores for a short time.
Keep in mind that major milestones in a child�s life (even if those milestones occur many years after the death)
often bring up fresh grief emotions for both the child and the surviving parent.

Do help with practical matters such as shopping, errands, laundry, yard work, etc.
Prepare simple meals for the bereaved family.
Remember that the surviving spouse is now responsible for unfamiliar chores as well.
Share your knowledge and your talents by teaching a woman how to check and change the oil in her vehicle,
or teaching a man how to properly iron a shirt without making scorch marks.

Don�t bother asking the bereaved what you can do for them,
as they are completely overwhelmed and unable to think straight... so they won�t be capable of giving you an answer.
And don�t wait for them to ask for help, as many people feel very uncomfortable asking others to help them.
Often those who are grieving will not ask for help unless it is a true emergency.
The best way to help is by determining what needs to be done and then doing it.

Don't avoid the bereaved. They already feel left out so don�t add to those feelings.
The bereaved no longer fit in with their married friends because they are no longer part of a couple.
And they don�t fit in with the true singles crowd either - as most survivors usually have children, and therefore less freedom.
Bereaved parents do not have the luxury of engaging in spontaneous activities.

Do take the social initiative and invite them to basic meals or even just out for coffee.
If they turn down your offer, continue to make those offers. Be persistent but not overly so.
Even a simple phone call late at night after the children have been put to sleep can be helpful.

Do be mindful of the holidays, but not just the main ones like Christmas or Hanukkah.
Valentine�s Day and New Year�s Eve can be downright awful. The anniversary of the death can be just as bad.
And don�t forget Mother�s and Father�s Day, birthdays, and all those other days in between.
Just a simple card or email can make those days more bearable.

Do encourage the bereaved to join a support group or to seek one-on-one counseling.
Refer them to this website and to the Hearts of Survivors group.
And gather information about local support groups - through hospitals or Hospice, houses of worship,
or your newspaper�s community section.

And most of all� just be there. The silence and loneliness can be unbearable at times.