In August 2000 my husband Sal died from leukemia. He was 40 years old and we had been married for 13 years.
I was a few months shy of my 36th birthday and our son was only 8 years old. I am not a trained grief therapist.
In fact I am not a trained anything. All I know is what I have experienced for myself during the past few years.
I was a member/moderator of an online group for widows and widowers, which ultimately was shutdown by the owner.
A handful of members within that group expressed their desire to continue with the camaraderie that we had
discovered in each other. Thus Hearts of Survivors was begun in June 2003.
Nobody fully understands the pain of losing a spouse unless they have lost their own spouse as well. Each member of
our group may have a different story to tell, but all of us are relatively young men and women trying to learn how to
cope with the loss of our partners. We are grieving not only for the loss of our mates but also for the loss of our
normal everyday lives. We also grieve for the losses that our children must endure.
Within the group we discuss such things as the confusion we experience by feeling a need for complete solitude, but
at the same time wanting to be relieved of our loneliness. Most of us have felt the hurt brought on by thoughtless
comments made by those around us - even from our own family and friends. We discuss the individuals who are
uncomfortable speaking with us about death. And about those that refuse to even mention our loved one's names.
Not to mention the people who avoid being near us altogether.
We know all too well about the outside forces that trigger our pain just when we are beginning to feel that we have a
handle on it. Whenever a member posts about the difficult events of their day, that is when the full effect of the caring
and support within this group is most prominent. Often the responses to those posts are what enable the writer to
gain the strength to continue onward. We know that anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can be overwhelming.
Some of us have already lived through the first few years without our spouses. And some of our members are
relatively new in their grief journey. But we all provide encouragement to each other no matter what our time frames
may be. We help each other to hold onto the memories that we wish to savor. And together we try to build new
memories and traditions along the way.
