Here on the farm, we have had a long standing battle with our garden hose. You see we have about eighty to one hundred feet of hose that needs unrolled and then rolled up each time we water the horses. Simple task you say? Not hardly. It never matters how meticulous we are, or how careful we are to keep it lined out. The hose will find a way to get kinked or tangled amongst itself. I?ve come close to losing my religion over this varmint more than once. I could also fill a book with the tales of how this demonic hose has taunted, tortured, and tormented us throughout the years. This evil antagonist possesses every new hose we buy too. Read on, while I tell you what this possessed entity did just the other day.
It was just a few days ago when we were at the barn to get the horses fed and watered. It was cold and quite breezy so we were doing our best to hurry up. We wanted to get back to our houses and their warmth.
We have two water troughs, one on each side of the barn. One of my jobs that day was to get them filled. I headed to the well house to get the dreaded hose and carefully lifted the coils off the hanger so I could walk and methodically unroll the hose at the same time. About halfway through the unwinding I had a balled up mess of stiff cold hose. There was no other option but to lay it down and unwind the mess that resembled a giant wad of spaghetti noodles. In the past this evil varmint has even found a way to tangle my feet up and trip me! Cross my heart, these are true facts and I have witnesses.
After the hose was untangled, I dragged it to the horse trough and plopped it in to fill the tank. Unfortunately, the tank was really gross and needed hosed out. So I tipped the trough over and proceeded to rinse it out. I lost count of how many times the water just happened to catch the edge of the trough and spray me full in the face and upper torso. It left me pretty well showered by the time the job was done. Did I mention it was cold that day?
When the trough was filled, I took the hose into the barn to hose down some of the stalls. This is a practice we have that keeps the stalls from getting too dusty and causing respiratory trouble for the horses.
So, off I go to wet down the barn. That?s when I notice the end of the hose. Water is shooting out of the sides of the hose about � inch up from the end, almost in a perfect circle. Figuring it wasn?t that big a deal, I put my thumb on the end of the hose to shoot the water across the dry stalls. The water coming out of the side of the hose shot out forcefully, effectively soaking my left side. Logically, I decide to fix the problem. Which meant that I would grab the end of the hose and break it off at the weak spot. It wasn?t as easy as I thought it would be, and the hose came pretty close to drowning me in the process. My hands felt frozen stiff, but I persisted and finally got the end piece off and finished hosing the dry stalls. By this time my right side matched the left, and my face had been soaked again. I congratulated myself on the fact that at least my backside was dry, while I pushed a soaked strand of hair away from my face. Did I mention it was really cold that day?
I bent the ornery hose tight to keep it from running as I pulled it?s length around the barn to fill the second trough. I handed the piece I broke off to my mom and proudly inform her I had won this battle with the evil hose. To which she looks at me, cocks an eyebrow, and says it looked to her as though it was a toss up who won.
As I drag the hose I look over my shoulder and with a prideful attitude state that I have definitely won the battle with the hose this time. In hindsight I realize it would have been best to have kept my mouth shut.
At the fence I bent over and pushed the hose through, then turned to go through the barn and grab it from the other side to finish dragging it to the trough.
As I turned, I noticed my daughter in law?s eyes get really wide and her mouth flew open. Later she told me, through her uncontrolled laughter, that it was as if the hose was alive. The bend I had put in it, came unfolded as if in slow motion. Releasing all the pent up water in a slow arching movement that gained height, speed, and distance. Then it hit, like an icy blast. Right smack dab on my hinny. I was instantly soaked to the point that the water ran down my jeans and into my boots. A body just don?t know misery until its hinny is soaked to the bone on a cold breezy day in January. Did I mention it was really, really cold that day?
Yep, our hose is possessed. I?m more convinced than ever now. It is an evil being that has been sent to taunt, torture, and torment us beyond endurance. If you don?t believe me then come on down to the farm and I?ll gladly let you square off with it. |
