I was born in Kansas City, Kansas to a Catholic mother and a Russian Orthodox father. Neither one were actively involved in their churches though my mother did have me baptized Catholic. I was raised with 2 younger sisters ( a third one died in infancy). When I was 8 yrs. old, my mother died from acute intermittent porphyria, a rare genetic disease which I also have. After my mother's death, my paternal grandmother came to live with us. Between she and my father, they managed to raise the 3 of us girls to adulthood.
I was always a shy child and grew to be a shy adult. I often wonder if I would have been less shy and felt more comfortable in social situations if my mother had lived. Anyway, other than my mother's death, my childhood was pretty uneventful. My family did not go to church on a regular basis, though occasionally, my grandmother would take me and my sisters to the Russian Orthodox church with her. I attended a weekday church school when I was in elementary school. Each week we had release time from school to go to one of the several nearby churches that held religious classes and activities for about 1-2 hrs. We always looked forward to that day each week and took our time walking back to school when it was over.
Towards the end of my teens, I started to attend church on Sundays at the Catholic church in our area. We had a Catholic family that lived across street from us and I went with their daughters. After high school, I went to work in the offices of Hallmark Cards headquarters in Kansas City, Mo. I made some friends there who were Catholic and was seriously considering becoming a member of the parish we lived in. This must have been a time when I was really seeking religious stability in my life because I was also attending Billy Graham crusades and reading books like "The Cross and the Switchblade".
In 1971, I attended an Osmond Brothers concert with my friends. Yes, I liked the Osmonds and I was fascinated by their family image. I remember hearing something about them giving their religion the credit for their close family bond. During this time there was also an article in our local paper about Mormon missionaries working with Catholics in Italy. I decided to find out what this church was all about so I called a number from the phone book which happened to be the stake president's office and he sent the stake missionaries to tell me about the church. That became a story he was fond of repeating on visits throughout the stake.
The missionaries started teaching me in November. I did all the required reading of scriptures and pamphlets, praying, went to the visitor's center in Independence and watched the movies and attended church meetings on Sunday. In January 1972, I was baptized in Independence, Missouri. As I look back now I know I was vulnerable to the church's message. The wholesomeness, family togetherness and built-in social life were all things I wanted to be part of.
The callings came soon after and I did my best to fulfill and magnify them. The following January, I received my patriarchal blessing and was overwhelmed by the promises. Wow, it even said that my mother was very much aware of what I had been doing and she had accepted the gospel in the spirit world and waited upon me to do her work here. What more could I ask?
Well, borrowing from the words of the late John F. Kennedy with some slight changes; "Ask not what your church can do for you; ask what you can do for your church." People in my ward were starting to apply some pressure for me to go on a mission. My bishop had even started filling out the paper work when he first talked to me about it. I wanted to think about it for a while so we left it at that. In April 1973, I went to visit Salt Lake City for the first time. I stayed with a friend who used to live in K.C. and I even dated a returned missionary who was assigned to my home ward when I was baptized. We even went to a session of General Conference in the tabernacle. My friend, K..... worked in the Church Administration Building and I got to meet several of the general authorities while visiting with her at work.
When I returned home a week later I was on a real "Mormon spiritual high." One evening I went to my room to pray about whether to stay in K.C. or move to SLC. As I was praying I had the distinct impression of a voice in my head telling me to go on a mission. ( I attribute this to my strong emotional high at the time.) I got right up, called my bishop (we had a new one by then) and told him I wanted to fill out the paper work for a mission. To save a little more money, we agreed to wait until September 1973 to submit the papers.
My family took the news well, They never interfered with my religious beliefs. They really didn't know enough about Mormonism to be concerned. As it was, neither did I. During the summer I was given the opportunity to go tracting with the lady missionaries in Liberty, Mo. I had the whole day open, but left after just a morning of going door-to-door. I hated it. Should have been a warning, but I naively thought that when I was formally set apart as a full-time missionary things would be different.
I even visited some of the Mormon historical spots in Missouri: Liberty jail, Richmond, Haun's Mill, Far West and Adam-Ondi-Ahman. Yes, I was immersing myself in Mormon history.
In October 1973, I left for the Missionary Home and Training Center which was in SLC at that time. I was to serve in the California North (Sacramento) Mission. Two days before entering the home, I went thru the SLC temple for my endowments. To say it was not what I expected was an understatement, but I think I was too nervous and excited about my upcoming mission to be fully aware of the significance of what was being said and done. I do know I was disappointed in not getting the further knowledge which I had been told I would receive in the temple. Thought I would have to pay more attention in the future.
While in the mission home, we were able to attend another temple session and then be addressed by Pres. Harold B. Lee in the Solemn Assembly Room in the temple. We had a question and answer session with Pres. Lee. Being shy, I felt doubly intimidated when we were admonished that since Pres. Lee was giving up time in his busy schedule to be there that our questions needed to be important enough for him to spend his time on. Well, either many others were scared also or they already knew it all because there were not many questions asked during that session.
Serving that 18 months was difficult for me. As an introvert, it was hard to for me to talk to people. I hated doing the door approaches. Though I was always a nervous wreck giving the discussions, I managed to pull it off quite well. Though I felt at the time that I firmly believed all I was teaching, I have to admit that inwardly I would cringe when giving some of the concepts wondering how these people would ever believe what I was telling them. Somewhere inside, my brain was trying to get my attention, but I just was too programmed to listen. When I think about it now, I see that taking a person and controlling their lives 24 hours a day as the church does with its missionaries is a great way to keep their "testimonies" in line. Here I was with a "companion" 24 hours a day, studying Mormon scriptures and discussions every day, teaching them every day, testifying of them every day. I attended weekly district meetings with other missionaries all going over the discussions, scriptures and testifying to each other of their truthfulness. Periodic zone meetings where several districts got together going over discussions, studying scriptures, practicing door approaches and teaching techniques and testifying again. Weekly reports were made to the president accounting for our hours for each day of the past week. Even had a space to give the "# of hours wasted." A space was left on the back of the report to write a letter to the president. This was the time to report any uplifting experiences and also to confess any rules that you or your companion broke. Yep, we were expected to keep each other in line and dutifully report any infractions. If anyone doubts the Church's past denial of the priesthood & temple attendance to black people, I will tell you now that during my 18 months in the mission field we were not allowed to seek out blacks to teach. If we were out tracting and a black person opened the door, we were not to give our standard approach. We could only leave a pamphlet and wish them a good day. In fact, my companion and I were given a family to teach by some elders because the family lived in our area. Their name had come thru on a referral. When we got there, the wife was white and her husband was black. We went ahead with our discussion, but when word got back to our mission president, he grilled me over the phone as to why we were teaching a black person without previous permission. After I answered his questions, he informed us that we were not to return there. He would take care of the situation. We never heard a word about it after that. In May 1975 I returned home and resumed my life in my home ward. I almost chose to move to SLC, but backed out at the last minute. I attended singles activities and met my husband there. After dating for a few months, we became engaged and in Feb. 1979 were married in the SL temple. His family were all members and were able to attend the wedding. My family got left out and had to settle for a reception when we got back to K.C. As nonmembers they could not enter the "House of the Lord". They weren't worthy of attending my wedding there. Never mind that my father was a very good, decent and kind man; he was deemed "unworthy" of entering that building. Of course those were not my thoughts then as I was so immersed in the Mormon mindset. Now I regret it deeply as he has since passed away. This is the church that so lovingly extolls the values of its family centered teachings in countless television commercials. This same church denied my father access to my wedding simply because he was not a card carrying, tithe paying member of their elite organization. We lived in the K.C. area for a few years before moving to Las Vegas. It was in Vegas that I started having doubts and problems with the church. I was lonely there. My family all lived in K.C. My husband had no family there either. I got to know some people in the church, but friendships there were not very close. Everyone was too busy or not interested. For several years I was very active and taught in Primary, Relief Society and Sunday School. I served as a Sunday School & Relief Society Secretary too. Eventually the stress of trying to fulfill the callings and family responsibilties (we had 2 daughters by then) was too much for my health and I had to be released from my calling. Because of my illness, I had a neurologist who even wrote a note for my bishop explaining that undo stress could exacerbate my illness.
This was a blessing in disguise for it gave me some breathing room to sit back and think about things. I began to wonder what gave these priesthood holders such authority over me that I would feel guilty for asking to be released from a calling due to my health. Why did I need to ask anyway; why couldn't I just tell them I was quitting? Did I give up some of my personal rights somewhere along the way. I started reading what the church would call "anti-Mormon" literature. Many legitimate questions were raised. To be fair I also read Mormon rebuttals to these books. I almost got to the point of leaving the church but had no one to really talk to or no place to turn to. I did try a group of Christians who try to help those leaving the Mormon church but the person they sent to me had never been a Mormon and did not fully understand the difficulty in physically, emotionally and mentally leaving.
I decided to try to stick it out, hoping that my doubts woud go away and everything would be alright. However, I could not push my doubts aside no matter how many meetings I attended, how much scripture studying I did or how many personal prayers I said. In fact, my discomfort with the teachings of the church grew. One day I read the book, "Mormon Murders", which was about the Hofmann document forgeries. I was appalled by the involvement of the general authorities especially Gordon B. Hinckley. If these men were so inspired and had direct communication with the Lord, why did they not know that the documents Mr. Hofmann had were fake? How could they meet so often with Mr. Hofmann and then deny knowing him? Innocent people even died as a result of all the document dealings of Mr. Hofmann. Sure, the church leaders did not kill those people but they did everything they could to hinder the investigation so they could protect the church. Hinckley had LIED to cover up the church's involvement in the deals and look at where he's at now and he was not the only one. I'd have to say at that point there was no turning back.
I already knew about the alterations in church history, changes in doctrine from one prophet to another, changes in new editions of LDS books to eliminate mention of questionable revelations, doctrines or remarks of previous church leaders, changes in the temple endowment to eliminate embarrassing oaths and characterizations, differing versions of the first vision, problems with the Book of Abraham papyri, and the questionable origins of the Book of Mormon, etc. ( I won't go into all of these here for many people have written about them and there are many websites which offer in depth information on these areas.)
I know now why we were constantly reminded to "follow the prophet" or "when the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done". Church leaders know full well that there is a wealth of information available that proves the fallacies behind their doctrines. What's even more amazing is that there is enough information within the church's own books and writings to condemn the religion. New versions of books are revised to reflect the "new improved" look that the church wants to show the world. Heck, I was even put down by a member for letting my 13 yr. old read an early 70's version of Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McConkie because it was written before the 1978 change in doctrine allowing black men to hold the priesthood. I was told that if she had read the new version she wouldn't have the questions that she did about the church. What are they trying to hide?
Once I started thinking on my own again rather than following the group mindset, then I started facing the reality that what I had been devoting my time, energies and money to for so long was a lie. Follow the prophet simply meant; don't think, don't question, don't read material negative to the church's image, just do what we tell you to or else you will never be able to dwell in the presence of God after this life and your family will be lost to you forever.
My 13 yr. old daughter has since stopped going to church and wants out of it. Aside from the doctrinal problems she has with it, she has experienced the peer pressure and "holier than thou" attitudes of many LDS teens at her school. They have learned well the attitudes of the church in keeping an eye on fellow members and trying to control their lives.
My husband is still an active Mormon as is my younger daughter. He knows of the feelings of me and my daughter. We're doing well, but I know he faces pressures from people in the ward to work on getting us back in. I feel sorry for him being caught in the middle, but I cannot make him see what is wrong with the church, he must open his mind a little first.
At 22, I had been vulnerable to my emotions and had let them rule my thinking. The church is very adept at presenting its message and playing on emotions. People would question now if I ever had a real "testimony." Yes, as much of a testimony as any member can have. But, a "testimony" in the church is a very emotional thing, based entirely on feelings and not fact. Feelings are a very difficult thing to understand and can be influenced very easily by many factors. I had not been told all of the facts about the church ( no one is while investigating). Anyone thinking of joining the church should definitely get both sides of the story before committing their lives to it.
Today, I am enjoying the freedom to think, to read and to question before making any further committments in my life. I will probably attend another church in the future as I still believe in God and Jesus. Somewhere that places an emphasis on worshipping God and not trying to make men into gods. In the Mormon church we were always pushed to work harder, endure to the end, pay our tithes, do temple work so that we could earn a place in the Celestial Kingdom. No more do I accept that getting into heaven requires secret oaths in a secret building open only to those very few who put enough time, energy and money into the Mormon church and follow blindly the doctrines of men.
My favorite show on TV is "Touched By An Angel", because of its message that reflects how I feel which is that God loves us for ourselves. Spirituality and a relationship with God and Christ is not dependent on any one religion.
I no longer feel a need to have all the answers. I enjoy finding out new things. Neither do I expect to find one "only true church" because it does not exist. This is freedom and I love it.
Frances
One hundred four other stories at "Recovery from Mormonism"
Another personal story -- Mormon Temple Weddings