Kirby: The Idea of Paying Child Support for Time and All Eternity Makes Marriage Sound Like a Good Deal
Saturday, July 3, 1999
BY ROBERT KIRBY SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
I have come close to divorce several times in 25 years of marriage. The most memorable was when my wife caught Ralph and me welding a trailer hitch in her kitchen. It was like a psychotic wolverine came home.
That time was twice as bad as the time I called her "Michelle Pfeiffer" during an amorous moment, and 5.6 times worse than when I accidentally shot a window out of her car. Do not do any of these unless you have the 24-hour number of a good lawyer.
So, it's true love, or she's mentally ill. Either way, I don't have to pay child support. This is good because I have exactly four dollars and a 2-for-1 burrito coupon to last me until payday.
Child support is a very important issue now that the LDS Church is turning the screws tighter on members meeting their financial obligations to former spouses and/-or children. You can't get a temple recommend if you are not current.
Well, you're not supposed to get one. You could lie to the bishop, but that sort of makes going to the temple a moot point. I mean, why bother if you're just going to go to hell anyway for lying?
Never mind that. The point is that the church considers duly appointed child support payments very important. So serious is this issue that the church actually stopped the official practice of polygamy more than a century ago.
They had to in order to make it possible to include the child support question in the temple recommend interview. Think about it. If I would have a hard time paying child support for three kids, imagine how much harder it would be to pay for 108 kids.
It just goes to show that church leaders are inspired, with the possible exception of the time they made me scoutmaster for a month. That was a serious spiritual miscommunication that almost got me arrested twice.
There are, of course, larger theological issues when it comes to faithful Mormons being current in their child support. Not only do we have large families as a rule, we also believe that families are forever.
Theoretically, this means support for, oh, say, 6.9 kids and most of a dog, works out to be about 659 trillion easy payments of $805.32 for time and all eternity.
There is, of course, the issue of visitation in the next life. No true priesthood holder is going to want to cough up child support if his ex-handmaiden won't let him see the kids, even if the visits are supervised by a court-appointed archangel.
Maybe that should be a temple recommend question, too. "Are you currently forcing your former husband to take the kids for the weekend, whether he and his new concubine want to or not?"
Here's another one: "Are you honest in your dealings with your children by telling them that their father is, for example, a two-timing, four-eyed weasel?"
"Are there any circumstances of transgression, such as setting fire to your former family patriarch's new pool table, that have not been resolved with your bishop or branch president?"
"Are you current in your financially crippling obligations to various lawyers?"
"Do you now, or have you ever, wished that you had never heard of the opposite gender?"
No wonder Mormons believe in the sanctity of marriage. Going to hell is way cheaper than divorce.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described "OxyMormon" welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at [email protected].
Page Modified July 3, 1999