| ONE HEART'S STORM By Kitka Rating: R Genre: Angst Couple: Pacey/Andie Spoilers: The fate of Pacey and Andie's relationship and Jack's first year of College Summary: Andie deals with her broken heart for one more lonely night. Written from Andie's POV. Disclaimer: Andie McPhee, Jack McPhee, Pacey Witter, and Dawson's Creek are all � & TM their respective owners. The song, "Blame It On the Weatherman", and its lyrics are � & TM B*Witched. Everything else is � & TM the author, Kitka. I make absolutely no profit whatsoever off of this story. I walk along the empty shore, my whole being seeming to ache, as the wind blows my hair back behind my face, ripples my clothes, and pushes against me. Its force is strong, and yet still I hardly feel it. Despite their strength, the breezes remind me of his gentle caress, and my heart aches even more. I look out over the churning waters, but I do not see the water. Instead, as is so often the case, I see his handsome face. Thunder roars its anguish in the dark sky above my head, and I long to scream out my own pain even as a song begins to play through my head. It's just one more day No one said There would be rain again Won't blame it on myself I'll blame it on the weatherman Get away for a while Here I am out on my own again Won't blame it on myself I'll blame it on the weatherman He seems to be walking toward me. I tell myself that it's not him, that it's only a figment of my cursed imagination, but it does me no good. Despite my brain's warning, I reach out toward him. My fingers pass right through him. He laughs as I stumble forward. He laughs at me, and then he is gone again. I struggle to retain my balance but still end up crashing down onto my knees in the sand, and for a little while, I just stay there, crying out his name. "Pacey . . . Pacey . . . Pacey . . ." Standing on the shore Calling out your name I was here before I could see your face Only clouds will see Tears are in my eyes Empty like my heart Why did ya say goodbye? I have no ideal what time it is or how long I stay there with the rain beating unmercifully down upon my shaking form. My entire sense of time has been shattered. These days, I know only when it is time for me to go to class, and even that sense has began to fade. I always thought that going to Harvard would be the most important thing in my young life, but I was wrong. He was the most important thing, and I let him slip through my fingers like sands through an hourglass. My head hangs as my tears increase. I don't even know when I started to cry, but that's nothing unusual. I've come to spend every second of my free time either crying or fighting desperately not to. I'm sick of crying, but I can't stop my tears. The rain goes on (on and on again) The rain goes on (on and on again) The rain goes on (on and on again) I wonder, like I so often do, if he has any idea that he shattered me so completely. I've fought against it every day and night since he left me, but it hasn't done me any good. I can keep up the charade, pretending that there's nothing wrong and that I'm okay and satisfied to have him only as my friend, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm only a shell of what I could have been, and yet I would not change my meeting him and our time together for anything in the world. Despite its end, our love will always be the most important time of my life. Harvard has turned out to be nowhere near as important to me as it should be. It might be the most prestigious college in the country, but to me, it's just a prison that provides me my one way to try and prove to the world that I'm over him. It doesn't really mean anything to me any more. My grades have really started to go down the drain, but why should I care? The only reason why I ever cared about school was because I knew I could not have a good future without my good grades. I had the grades before I started letting them slip, but they don't matter. Regardless of whatever I do here in Harvard, my future is already spoken for . . . and it's a living Hell without him in it. Alone I can hear Hear our song Playing for me again Won't blame it on myself Just blame it on the weatherman I force myself back to my feet even as I remind myself yet again that, no matter how easy it is to blame him for all of this, it's not really Pacey's fault and it's not fair of me to put the blame on him. It's my fault. I should have never did what I did, and even if I had, I shouldn't have told him. What if I hadn't told him? We'd still be together, but we'd also be living a lie. My chest tightens. Could I really live with that? Yes, I could. Nothing would matter if only we were together again, if only our love had never been shattered by my horribly stupid actions. My life is ruined, but it's not Pacey who ruined it. Who can blame him for not accepting me back into his arms after what I did to him? I ruined my own life. Stand ing on the shore Calling out your name I was here before I could see your face Only clouds will see Tears are in my eyes Empty like my heart Why did ya say goodbye? My tears continue to increase even as I turn, my eyes sweeping the beach through my blurred vision. My life is ruined. There is no saving it. As long as I live, I will continue the way I have been for so miserably long now. My heart will continue to bleed for him. My body will continue to ache for him. Perhaps most of all, my soul will continue to die a little bit more with every time that I open my eyes only to find him nowhere in sight, with every time that I hear somebody call my name and turn only to find that it is not him calling me, and with every time that I think I see him only to find that what I thought I saw never existed. |
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