[The scene opens up backstage at a ECW show. Rob Van Dam is sitting on a couch with Bill Alfonzo. Robbie is wearing a "Kottonmouth Kings" t-shirt, and black athletic shorts. Bill Alfonzo is of course wearing an "Rob Van Dam" hat, and a shirt with "R-V-D" across his right chest. Bill is bending over, talking to RVD about something. What could they be talking about? Well, the camera zooms in to hear.]
Rob Van Dam:Hey Fonzie, guess what man?
Fonzie:What's that daddy?
Rob Van Dam:Extreme Championship Wrestling...or ECW as you and me know it, is finally re-opening after WWF killed it!
Fonzie:No way!
Rob Van Dam:Yes way. And of course, guess who was one of the FEW, Paul decided to contact?
Fonzie:The most homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac, Sabu?!
Rob Van Dam:No Fonzie! Me! *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam.
Fonzie:Oh! I knew that daddy! That was my next guess!
Rob Van Dam:Sure it was Fonzie.
Fonzie:It was!
Rob Van Dam:Whatever man. It does't matter. Because the important thing is that ECW has finally reopened. My home Fonzie. This is where my first drops of blood, sweat, and tears were ever spilled. And of course, my very first hi*beep*
Fonzie:Wait a second Robbie! This is network television! You can't say hi*beep* daddy!
Rob Van Dam:Oh yeah Fonzie. Good point. No more saying shit, damn, fuck, asshole, dick, pussy, faggot-
Fonzie:And especially no hi*beep*
Rob Van Dam:Exactly. You know, I just still can't beleive ECW is reopening again. It's like a dream come true!
Fonzie:I know baby! Like you said, ECW is our home, and it's welcoming US back! We also get to see the fat, stupid, ugly, foul-mouthed bastards in the ring again! And of course, the one, the only *points to RVD* ROB-VAN-DAM will beat em' all!
Rob Van Dam:Couldn't get any more true Fonzie. I'm ready to start deliverin' some more of my 5 star matches that the ECW fans are so used to. Remember my matches with Jerry Lynn Fonzie?
Rob Van Dam:Seriously! I made those matches spectacular! I pulled his ass through those matches. Our fued wouldn't have been anything if it wasn't for me attracting those fans. I was the popular one. Always was.
Fonzie:Your the crowned jewel!
Rob Van Dam:Totally Fonzie. Hell, I'm not called the Whole Fucking--
Fonzie:Whadya' doing daddy? You can't say that on network television remember?
Rob Van Dam:Oh yeah. Good job Fonzie. Man, this TV deal is harder on me than I thought. I can't even call me my own name, the Whole-
Fonzie:F'N!
Rob Van Dam:Exactly...Show. It's insane Fonzie.
Fonzie:Not as insane as you are dadday!
Rob Van Dam:You can say that again. Who in their right mind would be dumb enough...well, have enough balls, to jump 15 feet OFF THE TURNBUCKLE!...and do a 5 Star...5 STARS...frog splash? Only one man. His name is *points to self* ROB-VAN-DAM!
[After that, Bill Alfonso begins to blow into his whistle, at a piercingly high sound level. RVD holds his ears and winces, the noise unbearable. After Fonzie's done, RVD looks very pissed off.]
Rob Van Dam:What the hell are you doing Fonzie?!
Fonzie:Blowing my whistle! What's it look like dadday?
Rob Van Dam:Well you hurt my ears Fonzie. Don't do it again man.
Fonzie:Sorry Robbie! But you know how I get excited when I think about the success! The money! The glory! Of when you're in ECW. Your the Whole F'n Show!
Rob Van Dam:That's right Fonzie. Again, I get to carry ECW on my back. Again, I get to have the appreciation of the fans constantly. Do you know why that is Fonzie?
Fonzie:Because your RVD!
Rob Van Dam:Exactly. I mean, my reputation alone could get me anywhere.
Fonzie:Your *points to RVD* ROB-VAN-DAM daddy!
Rob Van Dam:Damn right Fonzie. Hey, is Shane Douglas gonna be in ECW too?
Fonzie:I don't know.
Rob Van Dam:Ah, it doesn't matter dude. I'm still gonna beat him no matter what happens. Even Shane Douglas can't deny the fact that I'm *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam. It's just a known fact, that I'm better than everyone. Can ya blame me though Fonzie?
Fonzie:No way dadday!
Rob Van Dam:Yeah. Genes aren't predictable, nor are they possible to change. So for all those groping about being inferior...well, it's not my problem they suck, is it?
Fonzie:No way!
Rob Van Dam:But it is my fault that I'm so damn amazing, am I right?
Fonzie:Right you are babay!
Rob Van Dam:I didn't get so good overnight. Dude, it took years man. I practiced just like everyone else. Of course, my practices were much simpler, because frankly...I was born to be a wrestler.
Fonzie:Why were you asking about Shane-O dadday?
Rob Van Dam:Just sizing up my competition Fonzie. I may not have to worry about him, but that doesn't mean I don't have to know about him. This Van Dam right here is one well rounded man. And to know about porky will help...only a little. But it'll help nonetheless.
Fonzie:You don't need any help Robbie! You're *Points to RVD* ROB-VAN-DAM! Even Sabu...the most homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, high flying, death defying--
Rob Van Dam:Dude, we get the point Fonzie. Sure Fonzie, Sabu's nuts. But is Sabu *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam?
Fonzie:Of course not! But you didn't let me finish. Even Sabu needs help no and then! That's why he had me around dadday!
Rob Van Dam:Exactly Fonzie. No one will ever be quite like me. Because everything anybody else would be able to do, I've already done. I've seen it all Fonzie. From ECW, to the InVasion, to WWF, to WWE, and back again! But this time, I'm going full throttle. I've been there, done that. But I've never won the ECW title. But this time, it'll be *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam's time to shine.
Fonzie:You just have to beat Stevie Richards, and you'll be on your way, dadday! Look, I rhymed!
Rob Van Dam:I have Stevie Richards for my first match? Are you serious Fonzie? Because I can take a good joke, but this joke is just stupid.
Fonzie:I'm serious Robbie! You have Richards!
Rob Van Dam:Hey, you know what Fonzie? This is a good thing. I mean, c'mon. Everybody knows I pull everybody through 5 star matches. If I can make Eddie Guererro look good, I think I can make Stevie Richards seem like...World Champion material! But everybody knows, he's no *points to self* R-V-D.
Fonzie:I know! You Robbie, are the best ever to grace ECW! The fans know it! I know it! You know it! Taz knows it! Stevie Richards knows it! And even the great Raven knows it dadday!
Fonzie:What?
Rob Van Dam:The "human consumption machine". Look at Taz, Fonzie. When you see Taz, what do you think about? I don't know about you, but I think about a burnt Pillsbury Doughboy. He's bald, he's round..he's the perfect doughboy, except for the fact that he's been in the oven too long. But me on the other hand, I'm the perfect...well, I won't have to go into it. Because I'm sure just looking at me, you know Hugh Hefner calls me all the time.
Fonzie:Your a playboy bunny, daddy?
Rob Van Dam:Shut up Fonzie. Just let me do the thinking.
Fonzie:And I'll do the cheering!
[Fonzie once again starts blowing his whistle, but not as loud. RVD just shakes his head, as Fonzie finishes.]
Rob Van Dam:What else was I suppose to talk about Fonzie?
Fonzie:Stevie Richards still?
Rob Van Dam:Oh right. Thanks Fonzie. Well Stevie...I don't have much to say to you bro. Because hell, I'm just gonna beat you anyway. So words won't matter much. But hey, *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam has fans to please, so I'll tell you this. If you think you'll get a chance to "dance" all over my face, you got another thing coming bro. While you try and dance on my face, I'll be kicking your ass. But don't worry, it won't just be a brawl. That's not Robbie's style. I want a 5 star match! Everybody knows, the only way to get 5 star matches, is do it *points to self* R-V-D's style. And that style, is in the air. Because that's the ONLY way Mr. PPV knows how to go.
Fonzie:Yeah dadday! Stevie Richards, your nothing compared to Robbie here! *points to RVD* ROB-VAN-DAM is the best dadday! He's been there, done that, and seen everything! He's been in ECW, WWE, and WCW!
Rob Van Dam:I was never in WCW Fonzie.
Fonzie:Oh right. I was thinking of somebody else. Anyway, the point is dadday, it doesn't matter who you are! The only person that matters, is-
[Rob Van Dam and Fonzie point to RVD.]
Rob Van Dam & Fonzie:ROB! VAN! DAM!
[The scene fades out, with Fonzie blowing the whistle again, as RVD keeps pointing to himself and mouthing "R-V-D".]
Fonzie:Of course I do daddy! How couldn't I have?
Rob Van Dam:The great Raven? What are you talking about? Raven is not great. Kool-aid is great. 420 is great. But Raven? Raven is not great. Raven is not RVD. See Fonzie, it's this simple. When you're as good as me, there's not much to think about people. Most people either suck, or they're par. Raven is one of those guys, that is par. Sure, he was ECW Heavyweight Champion. But was he TV champion for 2 years? No, but *points to self* Rob-Van-Dam was. Even Taz didn't hold it for that long. The so-called, "human suplex machine". Hey Fonzie, I got one for Taz.
