| I thought is was time I brought a little light humour to this site, just for those sick of all the depressing stuff lying around this site. Again if anyone has any humourous quotes they would like to see here then email them to me. |
| "Oh! And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, everytime I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember that time I took a home wine making course and forgot how to drive?" - Homer |
| "If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such." - Homer |
| " WOW..... they've got the Internet on computers now." - Homer |
| "Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer |
| "Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!" - Homer |
| "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer |
| Homer : "Ooooh! Punch! Lisa : "Eww! Dad! This is BLOOD! Homer : "Correction, free blood!" - The Simpsons |
| "We have three realistic alternatives: (1) Sit here and get blown up, (2) Stand here and get blown up, (3) Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up..." - Holly Red Dwarf |
| "Just let me check: thermos, sandwichs, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart, and one triple thick condom......... you never know!" - Dwayne Dibbley Red Dwarf |
| Ace : "You cant judge a book by it's cover." Lister : "And you cant confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start a book's got a spine." - Red Dwarf |
| Cat : "Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!" Kryten : "There's no such thing as broen alert sir." Cat : "You wont be saying that in a minute!" - Red Dwarf |
| "No look, I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you that in 3 million years you'll be dead!" - Rimmer Red Dwarf |
| "You're name was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole!" - Lister Red Dwarf |
| "Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you." - Lister Red Dwarf |
| "When the going gets tough, the tough go and have a little cry in the corner." - Rimmer Red Dwarf |
| "I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!" - Cat Red Dwarf |
| "Son, when you participate in spotting events, it's not whether you win or lose...... it's how drunk you get." - Homer |
| "We could go back to Dallas in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll, and shout 'Duck!' " - Kryten Red Dwarf |
| "Hey, Hey! Woah, woah, woah, I do not do the "W" word, Cats do NOT work! I've got a note from my mum" - Cat Red Dwarf |
| "It took me an hour to bury the cat. It wouldn't stop moving" - Monty Python |
| "Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahams, Panties.... I'm sorry... Schumann, Schubert, Mandelssohn and Bach. Names that will live forever. But theres is one great composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty... de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-kracker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumble-meyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-zweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shonen-danker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopf of Ulm?" - Monty Python |
 |
| Customer : " "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! Pet shop keeper : "No, no! 'E's pining!" Customer : " 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processess are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! " - Monty Python The Parrot sketch |
| " It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." - Homer |
| "Wo wo wo le beer, le dickhead" - Barry Phoenix Nights |
| "Get back ur bastards, I'll break ur legs" - Barry's car alarm Phoenix Nights |