THE CRAIG SHOW!
Show # 1 April 30, 2003 9:00 A.M. [ANNOUNCER] Live from our beautiful studio at channel 72 in downtown Cornbluff, Iowa---It's THE CRAIG SHOW! And now, here's CRAIG!!! (Studio audience applaudes politely. Craig, a shadowy, indistinct figure, takes the stage and waves, smiles enthusiastically) [CRAIG]Thanks Hal! How about a big hand for our announcer Hal, fresh out of rehab, wearing a clean shirt! (smattering of applause) [CRAIG] (looks at camera) Peaceout Screen Buddies! Welcome to our first show. We're all very excited. This is the first time in television history that a show like this has made it to the airwaves. Let me tell you a little bit about our format. We're live, every day, but we're limited by the fact that we don't have a transmitter, and we only have one sponsor, so we're unable to broadcast except on close-circuit tv right here in the studio. It's a bit of a drawback, but we're working to compensate. We're going out on the internet live right now! Of course we don't have streaming video or audio or any other fancy stuff, but still, we're live! The only html-based, live TV show on the nets! Great stuff, isn't it? We're very proud. (mild applause from audience, they are sun-burnt farmers and unemployed 40oz malt drinkers) [CRAIG] (lights a cigarette, scratches his head) Right now I'd like to bring out my co-host, a young man who is absolutely unique in almost every way...Jim Beebee!! (Jim walks on stage from left, waves to crowd. He is a short, 6 year old boy, poorly dressed, wearing dirty white converse all-stars) [JIM BEEBEE] Hi!(polite applause from audience, Craig and Jim Beebee walk over to a black metal desk and white plastic lawn chairs set in center of the stage, sit down) [CRAIG] Why don't you tell us a little about yourself, Jim? [JIM BEEBEE] Well, Craig, I'm a six year old homeless boy who ran away from cruel parents in Syracuse, New York, and I've been eating out of and sleeping in dumpsters and dodging 60-year old homeless alcoholics who want to molest me. When I saw the ad for a co-host in Variety, I decided to give all that up and give this a shot. And you know what? I haven't regretted it for a second! This man is like a second father to me! (A tear rolls down Jim Beebee's cheek, Craig looks embarassed, finally gets up, goes and gives Jim Beebee a big hug, audience goes wild) [CRAIG] This is a good boy, a very good boy. I knew he was right for the part when he told me how much he despised Jay Leno for being such an ass-kissing, buffoonish media whore. That took a lot of guts! Anyway. Say Jim Beebee, who's our guest today on THE CRAIG SHOW? [JIM BEEBEE] Well, Craig, today we have a very special guest. She's the cow whose breasts were sucked on TV by Tom Green. Her name is Rita and we're just real happy to have her here! (confused, light applause from audience, some people have sneaked in 40oz. bottles wrapped in brown paper and are drinking them. Rita ambles onto the stage and stands next to the desk opposite Jim Beebee, calmly chewing her cud.) [CRAIG] Welcome, Rita! [RITA] Moo. [CRAIG] Now Rita, tell us about your experience with Tom Green, won't you? [RITA] (rolls her enormous eyes) Well, Craig, I have to say that appearing with Tom Green wasn't very pleasant. In fact, I was humiliated. [CRAIG] You felt exploited, didn't you? [RITA] I sure did, Craig. It was like I was just a sexual object for the viewing audience to drool over. I felt they were raping me with their eyes. It was very uncomfortable. I'm just glad that my parents weren't watching. It was a relief to know that they didn't see me being used in that way. [JIM BEEBEE] Why weren't they watching, Rita? [RITA] They were in a slaughterhouse being hit over the head with giant hammers. [CRAIG] Well, I'm sure we all feel for you, Rita. I understand that you have to wear sunglasses and a big hat in public now, to keep from being recognized and mobbed for autographs? [RITA] That's true, Craig. I can't escape the media circus that's grown up around my TV appearance. Sometimes (a little sob escapes her) I go hunting for Anthrax in the fields---to end it all... [CRAIG] (shocked) No, Rita! [RITA] I'm afraid it's true, Craig. [CRAIG] It's just terrible what our celebrities have to go through, sometimes. Rita, you have my sympathies--I really mean it. [RITA] Thank you, Craig. [JIM BEEBEE] I love you, Rita! [RITA] Oh, you dear boy! (Rita and Jim Beebee hug, stone silence from audience. Half are drunk.) [DRUNKEN AUDIENCE MEMBER] This show sucks! [CRAIG] (Craig beams, ignoring audience member) And now a word from our Sponsor! (rushes to smaller set on side of main stage with STEEL RESERVE poster in background, holds up double deuce bottle of STEEL RESERVE) Drunk? Want to get drunker? Well, you can't go wrong with the cool, refreshing taste of STEEL RESERVE brand malt liquor. The bottle says 8.1 percent alcohol, but I have it on good authority from the brewer himself that it's really more like 15 percent! Why not go nuts? You're wife is gone and the kids hate you, so kick back and slip into an alcoholic stupor with the most powerful beer on the market. One sip and you'll wonder how you ever did without it. That's STEEL RESERVE, the beer for the working man who dosen't work anymore! (sets down bottle, rushes back to desk and sits down, out of breath.) That's some good beer, isn't it, Jim Beebee? [JIM BEEBEE] The homeless alcoholics who chased me and tried to ravish my young, nubile body always swore by it, Craig. [CRAIG] Right! And now we have a special surprise, folks! Fresh from the South Dakota State Fair, let's have a big hand for THE BLIND CHAINSAW JUGGLERS! (Four men wearing dark glasses and carrying roaring chainsaws take the stage to raucous, drunken cheers. They begin to toss the chainsaws back and forth until one of them misses and the chainsaw chews through his arm, spraying blood all over the audience. He screams and drops to the stage, writhing in agony. Stage hands quickly carry him and his severed limb off the stage and mop up the blood. The other jugglers wander around the stage carrying their chainsaws until a stage hand helps them to the dressing room) [CRAIG] Gosh, that was exciting! How about a big hand for THE BLIND CHAINSAW JUGGLERS! Yes! They'll be here all week...And now, Rita, we have a special surprise for you, one that I think you'll like. Ladies and Gentlemen, TOM GREEN! (The tall, lanky TOM GREEN takes the stage, waves to the crowd, and walks to over to the desk--Jim Beebee stands, shakes his hand, gives up his seat.) [CRAIG] Thanks for coming, Tom! You look great! Well, not great, but you look real good. [TOM GREEN] I came because I wanted to make things up with Rita, and because of the excellent, refreshing beverages. You do have refreshing beverages, don't you, Craig? [CRAIG] You know it, Tom Green! (hands TOM GREEN a 40 oz. bottle of STEEL RESERVE which TOM GREEN begins to chug--wild cheers from the audience, some of which are unconscious on the floor, moaning.) Anyway, Tom, you've agreed to allow Rita to suck on your breasts for a while to make up for the humiliation she suffered, haven't you? [TOM GREEN] Yes, I have, Craig [CRAIG] Fantastic! How about it, Rita? [RITA] Well, it would go a long ways towards helping me to heal, Craig, so I'll do it. I think Tom should wash his breasts with soap and water first, though. After all, I am a cow... [TOM GREEN] (takes off his shirt and washes his breasts with a moist towelette, lays down on the floor, his breasts fresh and glistening. Rita ambles over and sucks on his breasts for a few seconds.) [RITA] Moo! (audience goes wild, stage hands circulate among them, tossing handfuls of pink sawdust on pools of vomit near the heads of unconscious audience members. Theme music "Green Onions" begins to play in background) [CRAIG] Gee, folks, we're out of time! I'd like to thank you all for making this a great first show! Thanks also to my co-host JIM BEEBEE, RITA the cow, THE BLIND CHAINSAW JUGGLERS, and special guest TOM GREEN! Remember Screen Buddies, we're here live every day, more or less, so join us next time, won't you? [FADE TO BLACK AS THEME MUSIC WINDS DOWN]
THE CRAIG SHOW!
Show # 2 May 2, 2003 10:00 A.M. [ANNOUNCER] Live from our beautiful studio at channel 72 in downtown Cornbluff, Iowa---I'ts THE CRAIG SHOW! with your host, a man who once thought briefly about military service...CRAIG! (Studio audience one old lady, and a dog with three legs. Craig takes the stage and waves, blows a kiss to the old lady.) [CRAIG] Thanks, Hal! We have a special treat today because I see my mom in the studio audience. Take a bow, mom! (she rises slowly)I just came to collect the rent, you bum! [CRAIG] (applauds,sound echoes through empty studio)That's my mama! What a great lady! Well, folks, we have some tremendous guests lined up for you today. ROSEMARY'S BABY is here, plus BILL BIXBY and a special, surprise guest! What do you think, Hal? Great line-up or what? (Hal nods vigorously, smiles.) Ok! Let's bring out our co-host, a boy who escaped severe molestation recently, JIM BEEBEE! [JIM BEEBEE] Gee, it's nice to be here, Craig. I just found a new place to live! It's a double- reinforced cardboard container down by the railroad tracks. [CRAIG] That's fantastic, Jim Beebee! You are one smart little boy. I'll bring you a roll of toilet paper for a housewarming present. Two-ply! [JIM BEEBEE] (excited) Gosh! [CRAIG] (crosses stage with JIM BEEBEE, sits down at desk) Ok, Screen Buddies! Let's bring out our first guest. He's a fun guy suspected of being the Son of Satan himself, let's give a warm CRAIG SH0W welcome to...ROSEMARY'S BABY! (lonely applause from CRAIG and JIM BEEBEE. HAL, who is being chased by the three-legged dog, runs off stage. ROSEMARY'S BABY enters, waves to CRAIG'S MOM, takes seat.) [CRAIG] Welcome! [ROSEMARY'S BABY] It's great to be here. [CRAIG] So there was a rumor going around that you were the Son of Satan. A ny truth to that, RB? [ROSEMARY'S BABY] You can call be Tristan, Craig, and no, I am not the Son of Satan. That was all a big mistake. [CRAIG] It must be a relief to set the record straight here on The Craig Show. [ROSEMARY'S BABY] It really is, Craig. [CRAIG] Any new projects in the works? [ROSEMARY'S BABY] Well, yes, in fact. I'll be appearing at the San Deimos Playhouse july 22-24 in "Rosemary's Baby" The Musical with Rip Taylor and Cloris Leachman. John Tesh wrote some great songs for us. It's an extravaganza of sight and sound and I couldn't be more excited. [CRAIG] Here's a tough question, RB: Do you feel typecast at all? [ROSEMARY'S BABY] Well, it hasn't been easy, but I'm grateful for the work and there is a pilot in the works... [CRAIG] Wow! An exclusive! Tell us about it! [ROSEMARY'S BABY] It's going to be called "Cooking with Rosemary's Baby" and we'll be focusing on the Mexican-American cuisine of the southwest. [CRAIG] Fantastic! Now let's hear from our sponsor, STEEL RESERVE fine malt liquors... (Craig rushes over to a little table where several bottles of STEEL RESERVE are displayed) Is the Boss giving you a hard time because you hardly ever show up to work anymore? Have you been forced to attend sensitivity training seminars because of offhand racial comments you've made around the water cooler? Are you feeling old and fat and worthless? Welcome to STEEL RESERVE country! The fine, smooth taste of STEEL RESERVE is waiting to make all the sharp corners of your life dull and fuzzy--you'll feel like a King after 40 ounces of STEEL RESERVE! Now in the new, 64 ounce micro-keg size! (Craig smiles, picks up a bottle, and opens it--takes a drink) Tasty! (Runs back to desk, trips over cable, sprawls on floor, groaning) [CRAIG] (smiles painfully) I'm ok, folks! (commotion off-stage) Let's welcome some real troopers---THE BLIND CHAINSAW JUGGLERS! (Blind Chainsaw Jugglers stumble onto stage, led by panting German Shepard guide dogs, one juggler has gleaming metal prosthetic. They rev up their chainsaws which drives the dogs crazy. The dogs begin whining and snapping at the chainsaw jugglers who drop their chainsaws and start screaming. The dogs have completely lost it now because the chainsaws are growling and smoking and the dogs start biting the jugglers who scream louder and begin sobbing desperately for help) [CRAIG] How's that for courage, folks? These men are gods of entertainment! (clapping furiously)A big hand! (shakes head in admiration; Blind Chainsaw Jugglers are rescued from dogs who wander into audience, licking up doughnut fragments from the floor and peeing on chairs) [JIM BEEBEE] That was so amazing! [CRAIG] Wasn't it? And to think they work for scale! (looks at camera) Our next guest is a dead guy, a great actor, and slightly radioactive. Please welcome Mr. Bill Bixby! (Incredible Hulk theme song plays as BIXBY walks on stage, waving to audience, shakes hands with JIM BEEBEE and CRAIG, sits down) [JIM BEEBEE] Gosh, The Hulk! [BILL BIXBY] Not really, son. [CRAIG] Great to have you here, Bill. But say, aren't you dead? [BILL BIXBY] Yes, yes I am, Craig. I'm not letting it stop me, though. [CRAIG] Incredible Hulk? Incredible bravery, I say! (stands up, claps) But seriously, how has being dead affected your career? [BILL BIXBY] I'm choosier about the roles I take. I turned down a cameo in the new movie, for example. [CRAIG] What are you working on now? [BILL BIXBY] I just shot a pilot for a new sitcom on FOX called "Eddie's father is dead" in which I play a vampire dealing with the issues surrounding modern teen angst. [CRAIG] Sounds promising! [BILL BIXBY] We have high hopes for it, Craig. It'll be on thursdays at 9:00, right after the new "Stalking Martha Stewart" Show. [CRAIG] Well, we hope it does well. Thanks for stopping by, Bill. Bill Bixby, folks! (scattered applause from audience. Dogs start yowling) Now it's time for our special surprise guest. He's a former spokesdog and convicted crack dealer; please give a warm welcome to McGruff, The Crime Dog! (dead silence in studio as McGruff trots onto stage) [CRAIG] Nice to have you on The Craig Show, McGruff! [MCGRUFF] Ruff! Help take a bite out of crime! [CRAIG] Yea, I think that's a little old, McGruff. I heard you suck, any truth to that? [MCGRUFF] Absolutely not, Craig. My conviction was totally bogus. [CRAIG] And you're not a severe wastoid? [MCGRUFF] Far from it, Craig. In fact, my agent is working hard to get me a new gig as McGruff, the anti-smoking dog. Just don't smoke, kids! [CRAIG] (lights cigarette, takes a deep drag) But what about your reputation, McGruff? Can a crackhead and reputed tri-sexual really have any impact in the hurly-burly of today's modern society? [MCGRUFF] I'm optimistic about it, Craig. (studio lights suddenly go dark. Sounds of cursing from stage. Mysterious noises indicate three-legged dog is being pleasured by German Shepards) [CRAIG] My apologies, Screen Buddies! Looks like another tornado has cut our power. I want to thank Rosemary's Baby, Bill Bixby, The Blind Chainsaw Jugglers, and McGruff, the crack-smoking dog! [JIM BEEBEE] I think I swallowed my gum. [CRAIG] Unbelievable! (sound of wind rising outside, panicked mooing of many cows) Well, g'night, folks. Stay safe and we'll seeya soon! [THEME MUSIC STARTS--STOPS. SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CREAKS, SILENCE] back