Composed by the wonderful people on the cucbc message boards
I sit and wait
Do the coaches contemplate our fate?
And do they know
The places we could go
When it�s wet and cold?
�Cos I have been told
CUBC have gone to Banyoles...
But when I�m stuck on the Cam
In a novice traffic jam
Behind the Grey Barge Man
I�m loving Ely instead
And through it all your splashtop�s no protection
Against colds and infections
Whether you cox or row
And down the rain will fall
And pogies they won�t save me
I know that wind will break me
When we do a piece
Why race at Henley?
I�m loving Ely instead
When I'm feeling weak
And we paddle past the Fish & Duck
I look above
And I know I'll always be ill with 'flu
And as the wind blows
And you can�t feel your toes
And the cox-box is dead
I'm loving Ely instead
And through it all your splashtop�s no protection
Against colds and infections
Whether you cox or row
And down the rain will fall
And pogies they won�t save me
I know that wind will break me
When we do a piece
Why race at Henley?
I�m loving Ely instead
I read the news today oh, boy
About a sucky man who caught a crab
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh and
I saw the photograph
He threw himself out in the gut
He didn�t notice that the blade had caught
A crowd of DU's stood and stared
They�d seen him race before,
Nobody was really sure if he was from the Jesus Boatclub.
I saw a film today oh, boy
The Oxford Blue Boat had just won the race
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had a look
Having read the book,
I�d love to turn you off...
Woke up, and ate some lard,
Dragged the boat across the hard
Sat in the three seat and messed it up,
And looking up I noticed I was late.
Span my hands and rushed the slide
Reached the front with legs splayed wide
Got my catch in hard and took a stroke,
The coxswain spoke and I went into a dream
Ahaaaaaaaaaa
I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand eights in Cambridge, Cambridgeshire
And though the cox was rather small
He had to crash them them all,
Scraping all the blades along the barges parked against the wall.
I�d love to bin you now...
It was twenty weeks ago you know
Robin Williams taught the crew to row
They�ve been going up and down the Ouse
And they�re guaranteed to never lose
So let me introduce to you
The crew you�ve known for all these days
Robin Williams only light blue crew.
We�re Robin Williams only light blue crew
We hope we will enjoy the row
We�re Robin Williams only light blue crew
Sit back and make it follow through
Robin William�s only, Robin Williams only
Robin Williams only light blue crew.
It�s wonderful on Tideway
It really was a thrill
To thrash the Dark Blues on the day
They really need to learn to steer
They need to learn to steer
I don�t really want to stop the boat
Coz it seems to fly instead of float
And the cox is calling for a ten
Which leaves the DB�s broken men
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Wayne Pommen
And Robin Williams only light blue crew.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of �04
If I could offer you only one tip for your rowing, slowing the slide would be
it. The long term benefits of slowing the slide have been proved by
Matt Pinsent whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering across the Cam �I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your stroke; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your stroke until it has faded. But trust me, when you're a veteran you�ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can�t grasp now how many crews lay behind you and how fabulous you really looked�.You�re not as sh*t as you imagine.
Don�t worry about increasing the rate; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to keep a Christ's boathouse smelling unlike a sewage farm by telling a certain almost Goldie rower to wash his stolen Caius kit.
The real troubles in your races are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Sunday like that J16 4x with the creepy blonde guy that spears you on the bowside
Do one thing everyday that scares you (like trying to race Downing 1st men in your leaky sh*t single scull, swerving across the river when you only came only ahead of the guy who fell in at STCS)
Scull
Don�t be reckless with other people�s boats, don�t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Tap down
Don�t waste your time on tideway sculler's head; sometimes you�re ahead, sometimes you�re behind�the race is long, and in the end, it�s only with yourself.
Remember the good coaching you receive, forget the bad; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old blades, throw away your old spoons.
Stretch
Don�t feel guilty if you don�t know whether you want to trial�the best people in the blue boat didn�t know whether they wanted to trial, the best GB sculler I know went to CCAT.
Get plenty of water on board.
Be kind to your knees on the leg press, you�ll miss them when they�re gone.
Maybe you�ll bump, maybe you won�t, maybe you�ll win at Henley, maybe you won�t, maybe you�ll join one of those Price Waterhouse Cooper crews that row shockingly in town bumps, maybe you�ll be that daft old bufty that attends every boat club dinner and insists on telling you every term they used to slide on greased seats which tended to give him a "tinkle"� what ever you do, don�t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either � your races are half chance, so are everybody else�s.
Enjoy your boat club,
use it every way you can�don�t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it�s the greatest group you�ll be a part of.
Erg�even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own garage.
Listen to the cox, even if you don�t follow him.
Do NOT read "Regatta", it will only make you feel crap.
Get to know your crew, you never know when they�ll be gone for good.
Be nice to the people you noviced with; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to enter a lightweight double with you for the small boats head.
Understand that crew members come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in timetables and crew order because the better you get, the more you need the people who can back up your electric pace.
Live in Oxford once, but leave before it makes you a tw*t;
live on the tideway once, but leave before it makes you unwary of large ships that will capsize you in the wash.
Travel to regattas
Accept certain inalienable truths, pieces will be slow, boatmen will forget to fix leaks, you too will become a vet, and when you do you�ll fantasize that when you were young pieces were fast, boatmen worked like dogs and rowers respected their coaches.
Respect your coaches
Don�t expect anyone else in your boat to carry you. Maybe you have 6:05 2km, maybe you have an empacher; but you never know when either one will have the computer fixed/be stolen by someone who can row
Don�t mess too much with your extraction, or by the time you come to the mays, it will stay in later than everyone elses, screw up the sit and cause cause you to crab twice before first post
Be careful whose coaching you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Coaching is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing up the past S4 regatta victories from the disposal, wiping them off, presenting them as if it wasn't at Dudley regatta 1976 and recycling it for more than it�s worth.
But trust me on the slide speed�
Ladies and gentlemen of the May Bumps �99
Wear Lifejackets.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, lifejackets would be it. The long-term benefits of lifejackets have been proved by coxes, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your crew. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your crew until you�ve been bumped. But trust me, in 20 years, you�ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can�t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. But you are not as fast as you imagine.
Don�t worry about the Bumps. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as doing pieces into a headwind. The real troubles in your life are apt top be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you on some idle Tuesday, like novice boats on the wrong side of the Gut.
Do one thing everyday that scares you. Or if you are a novice cox, do one thing everyday that scares everyone else.
Ergo.
Don�t be reckless with other people�s boats. Don�t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Shout abuse at them instead.
Ergo.
Don�t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you�re ahead, sometimes you�re behind. (Most of the time you�ll be behind). The race us long and, in the end, you�ll only get bumped.
Remember compliments you receive (none). Forget the insults, but make sure you know who shouted them at you, and make sure you are even more abusive next time. If you succeed in doing this you�ll get fined.
Keep your old bumps programmes. Throw away your old e-mails from the discussions list.
Stretch.
Don�t feel guilty if you don�t know how to row properly. The most interesting people I know didn�t know at 22 how to row. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don�t.
Get plenty of maxim. Be kind to your back. You�ll miss it when you can�t walk properly.
Maybe you�ll get blades, maybe you won�t. Maybe you�ll get spoons, maybe you won�t. Maybe you�ll rate 40, maybe you�ll row like a funky chicken when they�ve got overlap. Whatever you do, don�t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. You starts are half slide. So are everybody else�s.
Enjoy your body. Use it everyway you can. Don�t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It�s the greatest instrument you�ll ever own.
Dance, even if you are absolutely hammered after your boatclub dinner, and you�re the only one on the tables.
Read the CUCBC handbook, even if you don�t follow it.
Do not read Regatta. It will only make you a sad boatie.
Get to know your cox. You never know when they�ll be gone for good. Be nice to your 3-man. They�re your best link to your past rowing ability and the person most likely to spanner.
Understand that pushes come and go, but with a few you should go mental. Work hard to the bridge, because the further you get, the more you need from bow four who weren�t working until you got into the Reach.
Trial for CUBC once, but leave before you get binned. Trial for CULRC once but leave before it makes you anorexic.
Ergo.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Coxes will crash. Oxford always lose. You, too, will get slow. And when you do, you�ll fantasize that when you were young, coxes were perfect and Oxford still lost.
Respect your lecturers. Don�t wear smelly kit and sit in the front row.
Don�t expect anyone else to come down and support you. Maybe you have a friend. Maybe your parents will come from home. But you never know when either one might ask you why you actually bother.
Don�t rush to slide or by the time you�re at 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose kit you buy, and don�t be patient with those who supply it. Kit is a form of status symbol. Wearing it is a way of posing and pulling chicks, and showing off your pecs.
But trust me on the lifejackets.