Recent fieldwork by the Institute for Low Performance Rowing has discovered tribes of coaches hitherto unknown to ethnographic science. Readers will be familiar with the "Dan Topolski Wannabe" and the "Harry Parker Wannabe" from our earlier work. We can now add :
The Psychopath
Mad. Like clinically, certifiably, "Where's the Largactil ?" mad. Even the other coaches tend to shy away nervously from him/her when in full rant mode in the bar. Tends to get obsessional about one thing to the exclusion of everything else, and goes on about it at every opportunity. All the deficiencies of the crew will be down to, for instance, "core stability", "UT2 training" or "lateral pitch" (whatever they are). Incapable of any sort of rational discussion with the crew (or, indeed, anyone else). Mutters to themselves while cycling along the towpath.
Strengths : will make crew work hard . Totally unafraid of kids throwing bricks, fishermen, dogs etc. (see Obstacles), and will thus chase them away.
The Alcoholic
Quite a good coach when sober. Unfortunately, this is a rare occurrence. The coached portion of outings is not usually much longer than 45 minutes (more is a waste of valuable drinking time). Tends to hold interminable, rambling monologues in the bar after training in the guise of feedback, but has more in common with Rowley Birkin QC (off the Fast Show) anecdote, especially as by the time the crew have finished their trip, got the boat away, showered etc. the coach is the one who is "very, very drunk." Occasional flashes of insight (or, more probably, sobriety) cause the crew to persevere with him.
Official LPR Health Warning : Never let The Alcoholic coach from a launch. Even if someone else is driving it. He will try to take a hip flask with him the boat, and probably fall in the river. Don't take him to a regatta either. Unless it's one without a bar.
The Zen Master
Long hours of study, training and meditation have given him insight into the Mysteries of Boat Speed. Or at least so he fondly believes. What is perhaps more accurate is that he read "The Inner Game of Tennis" once, twenty years ago. The Zen Master is incapable of giving any kind of straightforward feedback or instruction. Long silences, and a way of staring into the middle distance are punctuated by statements like, "You've got to go slower in order to get faster" or "Use the river" (for what ?). Any questions from the crew will be fed back as questions, in the manner of a Rogerian psychoanalyst.
Interesting Fact: Rumour has it that at least one international coach (of several nations) is a Zen Master, so maybe it's more effective than in our experience. Or maybe the authors have not yet reached Enlightenment.
The Ex-Cox
Is now too fat to cox. Whatever the Ex-Cox tells you the reason is, he/she is now coaching because they are TOO FAT. Why else would they have stopped coxing ? For coxes, it doesn't matter how old you are, and, frankly, how obnoxious (world coxing shortage : crisis deepens). So Mr/Ms. Lardy is now (preferably) cycling along the bank : and, let's face it, they need the exercise. Having spent their coxing career telling rowers what to do, coxes find the transition to coach natural and (all too ) easy. As they have never pulled an oar in anger, they have no compunction about ordering outings just as tough as those scheduled by The Psychopath. Pity the cox of a crew coached by the Ex-Cox : he/she will have to put up with detailed, technical criticism, rather than the more usual, "Get back in the f****** stream !"
Benefits of having the Ex-Cox coaching your crew : they can always cox (at a pinch ... literally). A few outings with 100 kg of dead weight talking constantly will usually be enough for the crew to get organised and bribe someone into coxing, or switch to the 4-.