Taken from http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~ntzst1/who.htm, written by Stephen Timmons and Andrew Blit.
The person/computer that did the draw, as we'd be World Champions if we were in the other half of the draw/other heat
6's boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover/children/dog for complaining about all the time 6 spends rowing thus leading to :
The Director of Studies in Social and Political Sciences for telling 7 that if s/he spends any more time rowing s/he will fail Part 2 of their degree, thus leading to the phenomena listed above
The boatman's dog, as it means that 3 (the sensitive delicate one) is frightened of going inside the boathouse, and also because it means no-one wants to sit around for the post-outing sermon, as the 'lounge' smells so strongly of wet dog
The men's VIII, for making the 'lounge' smell of sweaty unwashed kit, thus leading to the problems listed above
Matthew Pinsent and James Cracknell/CUWBC lightweights(depending on the preferences of the crew) for being so gorgeous and thus disrupting vital pre-Henley outings
4's Significant Other for moving out unexpectedly a week before Nat Champs thus depriving crew of towing vehicle
Cox's mother having booked inconvenient holiday in parts aboard leading to crew regret over having pissed off all the other small people
The Environment Agency for not keeping the bank in good order (i.e. not where it was the last time we hit it)
Tony Blair/Estelle Morris, whose 'reform' of teaching practices has deprived us of 5's ability to do daily outings at 10 am