Total Insanity Rules Author: Hugo "Animal" Chikamori E-mail: hchikamori@yahoo.com Rating: G Classification: Sheer Insanity Spoilers: N/A Summary: An innocuous yet insipid camp song causes sheer mayhem. Where could it have come from? DISCLAIMER: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong (in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Liandra, Animal, Metalman, Sarah and Harmony (Lia and Animal's kids) are the property of Heather and Hugo Chikamori. Author's Note: People will probably hate me for this...that stupid Motrin commercial started it all. It is amazing what insignificant things will do to one's brain. As Mike Myers said in Austin Powers (never seen the movie, never will) "I'm EEEEEE-VIL." Apologies to the song's originators "Peter, Paul and Mary" but you have to admit that IT IS IRRITATING!!!!!! JAG Headquarters Captain Liandra O'Hara was working on a case file. It wasn't hard. Just some petty officer who had a little too much to drink and beached a barge. But a drunk and disorderly charge probably was a little too light of a charge. She was prosecuting, Mac was defence. Harm came into the office. "Hi Lia..." he grinned as he held up a dossier. "I got the records for Petty Officer Di Salva. "Great, Commander..." she grinned. "Rough night?" Harm asked. "Yeah, Connor isn't sleeping well yet, but we're managing." NAS Oceana Two young girls burst into the office, a base policeman hot on their tails. "Girls, this is a restricted area!!!" he gave pause when a young Asian Navy officer looked out of his office and called out, "Harmony! Sarah!! What is going on!!?" It was the CAG. So the policeman let it go. "Dad..." the first young girl looked up. "Daddy! Sarah and me, we learned a song today..." "Sarah and I..." her father corrected. "So what song did you both learn?" Their two youngish voices started singing a rather simple song which had some simple lyrics: "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." Sarah smiled brightly...and kept on going. Metalman leaned his head in the doorway. "Hey, boss...hi girls...Hey... cool song..." "Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because... It is the song that never ends..." Harmony continued as Sarah grinned at Metalman. "Hi Metalman..." Sarah said interrupting her continuous singing to chirp a greeting at her father's friend. "It just goes on and on my friends." Animal was starting to feel a headache coming on. (3 Hours later) "Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was..." Animal leaned into the hallway. "Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." Harmony and Sarah showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. "It is the song that never ends!!!" a petty officer waved as he went walking past the CAG as he sang to no-one in particular. Animal looked over at the other people. This song was a class 4 epidemic. They were all singing it. It was worse than 'row row row your boat' sung in four part harmony and just plain irritating. Chief Petty Officer Trebalos grinned at Animal as he said. "Cool song, sir." "Oy...vey!" muttered Animal. "It just goes on and on, my friends..." It could have been his ears, but it seemed like the volume had just increased. Lieutenant Commander Kimber Benton grinned as she walked by in her flight suit and flight gear. "Hi, Sir. I'm going up on a TACTS training flight with Keeter." "OK...I see you haven't been affected by this song." "Suffered through it in high-school." She grinned. Keeter grinned as he said. "looking forward to that ACM match..." he grinned as he looked over at LCdr Benton. "The pleasure'll be mine, when I kick your six all over the Virginia sky." LCdr Benton grinned. Keeter whistled. "Whew...well, see ya up there." And walked away singing "Now people keep on singing it forever just because...It is the song that never ends..." and his voice was promptly cut off because of the wall. But there were more people not going anywhere. "This song is an epidemic." Animal muttered. "That shows no signs of quitting." Kimber grumbled. Animal walked over to the girls. "girls...Girls...GIRLS!!!!" he grinned an evil grin. "Let me call your mother and let her listen to the song." "OK..." Harmony said brightly. (JAG headquarters) The phone rang, and Liandra answered. "Capt. O'Hara, JAG" "Honey?" Animal's voice was strained. "What is it?" Lia said concerned. "I can't hear you for all that singing in the background. And just what the heck are they singing." "I don't know, but it's starting to irritate the hell out of me." Animal grumbled. "The girls came over and started singing it. Now it's making the rounds of the base. Even the base commander's office is in on it too." "What's the song?" Lia asked. "Here...take a listen. Harmony, Sarah, honeys, sing what you sang for daddy to mommy." "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." Harmony and Sarah sang...and repeated it...and repeated it...Harm stepped into the office. "Lia, you look like you've got a major headache." "I do..." Lia held the receiver away from her mouth. and covered it with a hand. "Here...take a listen to a song my two little munchkins learned today." "Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." the voice of Harmony was strident over her sister. "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends..." "Oh, man..." Harm groaned. "Hi, Lia...your kids learn that cute camp song?" Lt. Lauren Singer interrupted. "I learned it when I was young in summer camp..." and launched into it...making Harm hold his head in his hands and Lia wondering what she ever did to deserve this. "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." Singer sang not even caring that this would probably start everyone in the office going and it DID. About fifteen minutes later, a loud slam was heard as Lieutenant Colonel Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie stomped into the room. "I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK!!!!" she growled. "The WHOLE DAMNED OFFICE IS SINGING THIS STUPID SONG." "LIANDRA!!!!" The admiral thundered. Lia got up and walked over to RADM AJ Chegwidden's office. "Sir?" "Captain O'Hara?" Admiral Chegwidden growled. "Do you hear that?" "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." was heard resounding through the entire building. He opened the window. Two workers were singing it on the pavement across the street. He dialed the Pentagon and put it on speaker phone. "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." came back through the speaker phone. "We have a problem... Captain?" AJ grumbled. "Oh...no." Lia groaned. (On Mars somewhere in the deep subterranean tunnels) "Blark?" one of the little beings said to the other. "has the plan been put into operation." "Yes, your majesty...the humans won't suspect a thing... All it is is an irritating camp song to them." "Ah, yes...we can invade at will. Soon the Martians will occupy Earth and the earthlings will be our slaves. Today earth, tomorrow, THE WHOLE UNIVERSE...ah hahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! -evil laugh-" "This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friends... Somebody...started singing it not knowing what it was... Now people keep on singing it forever just because..." THE END! (or is it?)