"Call the Man" Author: Hugo "Animal" Chikamori E-mail: hchikamori@yahoo.com Rating: PG-13 Classification: Harm, Animal...(dumped again...) Spoilers: None; Summary: What an afternoon! Animal gets dumped, Harm likewise, with Annie. This is what happens after. Disclaimers: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Celine Dion's "Call the Man" is from her FALLING INTO YOU CD. The song "Put Me Out of My Misery," is by me...and no; there isn't any music, unless someone wants to put it into music. Lee Greenwood's "You Can't Fall In Love When You're Cryin'" is from the "God Bless The USA" CD. (AN: About that song, I wrote, I hope people don't think I'm serious. This is just in fun...honest...-grin- though of course, with my last break-up that I went through, it would be a pretty apt song) REQUEST: I WANT FEEDBACK!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!! -cough-cough, ahem...please? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- McMurphy's Tavern Harm looked blearily at his best friend..."Life sucks, you know that?" Animal wasn't too much better off. "Yeah. why?" "Women, they sure know how to pick the best times to really lay waste to your entire system." Harm slurred. "Yep..." Animal blearily agreed. His break-up with his long-time girl friend was really ugly. After a few rum and cokes, he wasn't feeling any pain though and neither was Harm. Keeter had long since been drunk under the table. "They sure do..." Breakups weren't easy, one felt like curling up in a ball and telling the entire world to go to HELL. But men were supposed to be stoic, un- emotional. YEAH...RIGHT. "And you know what's the most ironic thing?" Harm blurted out. "Your girlfriend..." "Who?" Animal blurrily looked over at Harm. "Who was that?" "I think that was Karen, no, or was it Stacey, or was it Colleen?" Harm grinned, a completely 'gone' look on his face. "No, I think Stacey was yours..." Animal said dissolving in laughter. "Uhn-uh..." Harm shook his head in a negative gesture, and instantly regretted it, as the entire room took on a spinning motion. Resting his head down on the table he said." I didn't have anyone else before Annie..." "I beg to differ..." Keeter's voice came from the floor, "What about that stewardess...Maria Conchita...I forget, what were her other names?" "Ah, to hell with it..." Animal retorted,"It gives me too mush of a headache..." he slurred. "Well...You know..." Harm said."You know what the most ironic thing is you know..." "What..." Animal was dying for a laugh. "What..." said Keeter trying futilely to get himself back into his chair. "Annie turns around, gives me hell for that Tiger Cruise thingie, and then dumps me. Then I get this call from Animal here, telling me that Karen dumped him. Isn't that ironic." "So, is that why were down here, drinking?" Keeter grumbled, "I thought it was my birthday or somethin'" "No...no...we go bowling for alligators on your birthday." "Hey, how's Mac's relationship with that CLOWN going?" Animal thought to ask. "Clown?" "Yeah, you know...that clown that actually practices law or some- thing." "Oh, you mean Dalton Lowne." Harm said. Keeter snickered. Animal elbowed him. "Clown, Lowne, same difference." Keeter snorted."The guy's so opinion- ated, his legal pads are an inch wide." "I won't disagree with you there." Animal retorted."Civvie lawyers are a bunch of leeches." Keeter grumbled,"Hey, can't we talk about something a little more uplifting than getting dumped by women? I'm getting depressed." "Well...sorry...if you're not in a relationship right now..." Animal retorted sarcastically."As far as I'm concerned. My guts and entrails feel like they've just been ripped out and stepped on." "Why does that seem familiar...somehow..." commiserated Harm. "So, feel like singin' a hurtin' song?" Keeter grinned. "No...not that 'What Becomes of the Broken Hearted...'" Animal groaned as he held his head, it didn't feel all that good. "Why not, it's a good song..." "Why not...'Just Put Me Out Of My Misery and Shoot Me?'" asked Animal. "I've never heard of it..." "I know. I just made it up." "Well, why don't we try to make up some lyrics." Harm said. "OK..." Keeter said. "How about, Oh, yeah...My baby left me, I needed a new place to dwell..." "That's Heartbreak Hotel..." Animal snorted."Get something original." "How about this:" Harm said as he sang in a low achingly miserable voice. "You left me...baby You left me for another guy... You saw that he was good for you, Unfortunately, it wasn't I... My life, it doesn't look brighter. Since you walked out of that door. I couldn't stop myself from cryin' Don't wanna love you anymore... Just put me out of my misery... And shoot me... It would be the kindest thing to do... Even though it makes me miserable. I just can't get over you... Now why don't you try and figure out the rest of the verses..." Harm said as he looked over at Animal. "Not bad...not too shabby at all, if I say so myself..." Animal said as he looked over at Keeter. "You go, and try and figure out a couple of verses, I'm completely running dry." " When ya walked into my life... Such a long long time ago... Now it hurts ev'ry time I see your picture. When this hurtin stops, I don't know... You see that it ain't easy... My heart doesn't feel alive... I just may as well forget livin'... 'Cause you ain't in my life..." Keeter improvised...Animal nodded... and Harm said, "Not bad, Keeter, not bad..." "What the hell was that chorus again?" They all sang," Just put me out of my misery... And shoot me... It would be the kindest thing to do. No matter how much I try to hate you. I just can't stop lovin' you..." "Hey, the verse changes..." Animal said blearily as he downed another rum and coke. "Yeah, so...we're drunk as skunks and we're trying to make up a song as we're going along. SO what..." Keeter grumbled. "Hey, it's your turn." "You don't really wanna hear this, do you?" Animal said. "Yeah we do..." Keeter said. "Then you're definitely drunk..." Animal said sarcastically and then said,"Well, here goes... It was yesterday that you told me... That you loved another man... My heart told me to leave you... But my pocketbook told me I can't..." Harm started laughing his head off. 'Cause Baby, you still have my Pinto. And my Celine Dion CDs too. My stereo and my $500 VCR... And my dear Alsatian: Buckaroo. Just put me out of my misery... And shoot me... It's the kindest thing you could do... If you could at least give me back my dog... I just might get over you. Yeah, you know we bought a house When we were starry-eyed. We're mortgaged to our hilt now. I'd just as soon have died. We were going to start a family, Oh, yeah, Have a kid or two... Now you've gone and you've taken the house keys. I'm gonna have to sic the bailiff on you. Just put me out of my misery... And shoot me... It's the kindest thing you could do... Forget this game of hurt we played. I just can't get over you. When you told me that you loved him. And that we were completely through... Thank god we didn't marry... Or I'd lose this mortgage to you... So forget about this happiness... Forget about the love we made. Are you happy now that I hate you... I'm glad you never stayed. (AN: I could put in worse, but I figure I'd better keep it clean) Just put me out of my misery... And shoot me... It's the kindest thing you could do... With this $200,000 mortgage... I just can't get over you." Animal finished with a flourish. "There ..." he glared at Keeter..."Now I'm stone drunk..." "Bravo..." Harm said." Those words were very well-suited to the occasion." Keeter's attention was on a very nice looking brunette across the room in the tavern. "Hey, Keeter, you still with us." Harm asked. "Nope, he's on the prowl..." Animal finished. "See ya guys..." Keeter said after he got an affirmative glance from the brunette across the room. "Hope ya guys feel better..." "Yeah, thanks a bunch..." Animal snorted. Keeter could get himself a woman in a biker bar with leather clad women standing around. "Ah, heck no ...loyalties in that man..." he slurred. Harm noticed a young woman with auburn hair and green eyes looking at him. And flinched as she walked over to him. "Hi...there..." she said in a low smoky voice. "I just noticed that you two were looking kind of miserable over here. Just wondered if you were up to talking." "Um..." Animal had gotten up out of the chair and was heading towards the juke-box. He threw a quarter in. Looking over at Harm, who was not really wanting to talk with this woman, Animal hit the selection. It was a Lee Greenwood piece. "She gently brushed my arm as she walked by me, And she turned and said "I'm sorry," with a smile, She was everything I'd ever dreamed of meeting, But I quickly closed my eyes, and walked the other way... 'Cause you can't fall in love, when you're cryin'. Please don't try to look into my eyes... If I said I love you, I'd be lyin'. Because the memory of you...is still in my mind... She caught me before I reached the corner, And she asked me most politely for my name. She was more than just a girl, she was an angel... And I wanted so to lie...but I told her just the same... You see you can't fall in love, when you're cryin'. Please don't try to look into my eyes. If I said I love you, I'd be lyin' Because the memory of you is...still in my mind. She winked and said, "I know just what you're feelin' And I know there's nothing I can say. That can change the way you feel, so here's my number... You can call me on the phone...when that feelin' goes away. I know you can't fall in love when you're cryin'" Please don't try to look into my eyes. If I said I love you, I'd be lyin' Because the memory of you is...still in my mind." Animal never heard the conversation, but Harm had gently told her that he wasn't up to dating. Animal sighed, what a bunch of sad-sack, disappoint- ed souls the two of them were tonight, both stuck in a bar, commiserating about the lacklustre love lives that the both of them were leading. What a crock of crap that was. The young woman nodded and gave him a sad smile as she left. "Hey partner..." Harm grinned as Animal returned to the seat. Looking up they saw a sombre Major Sarah Mackenzie joining them. "What's up?" Animal said...as a server came around to the table as Mac sat down. "I...just broke up with Dalton..." Mac said. "I can't trust him..." "Hmph, lawyers..." Animal snorted. "If you didn't outrank me...sir, I'd smack you for that comment." Mac grumbled. "Well..." Harm said with a sarcastic smile..." Aren't we a happy bunch ...we all got dumped on the same day..." "All of us?" Mac said disbelievingly. "Yep...Annie told me that she didn't want me in Josh's or her life..." Harm said...looking piteously at Mac. "And Karen told me that she was leaving me for another man..." Animal said with an equally 'sad puppy' look which would have been comical except that Mac's situation mirrored theirs exactly. "And I dumped Dalton..." Mac said. "Gee...what an afternoon..." "Yeah..." Animal quipped,"But we were dumpees...you were the dumper ..." "Big deal..." The server was patiently waiting...as Mac turned to the server and said,"Tonic and water..." "Right...Major..." the server took her order and headed back to the counter. "So, what are you going to do now..." Mac asked Animal. "I don't know...change the doorlocks...put barricades up on the peri- meter, set armed guards at checkpoints at the end of the block." Mac giggled as Animal counted off at least 16 ridiculous things that he would do to thwart his ex-girlfriend's return. "Maybe go join a monastery..." Animal finished. Mac said,"It's not that bad, is it?" "Yeah, it is..." both Animal and Harm replied. They were both drunker than contestants in a drinking contest. "Hey...at least you have prospects..." Animal said to Harm..." I lost the only girl I ever loved." "Oh, quit being melodramatic...What about Colleen, Stacey, Kimberly, Mariah, Cindy, Dana, Kelly, Susan, Darlene...Where's that list, I had it somewhere..." Harm said." Josh and her meant the world to me..." "Josh and her????" Animal said."You don't even remember Annie's name?" "Of course, I remember her name..." Animal was told...by Harm mock- indignantly. "What about your girlfriend in the Philippines, Rodora Maria Paculdar?" "She was not a girlfriend!!!!" Animal said glaring at Harm. Mac was sitting there watching the repartee with an amused look. "You aren't planning on driving home with the amount of drinks that you both have tied on...do you?" she asked. "Uh...do you have a quarter for a telephone call?" Animal asked Harm. "Why?" "I'm gonna have to call a cab..." "If you've got money for a cab...why..." Harm asked. "Look...why don't I drive the both of you home..." Mac said. "But Harm, guess who I met while I was on my way over here." "Um...who?" Harm asked blearily. "Thanks..." Animal said belatedly to the offer to drive them home. A clink in the jukebox...ushered in another song that played softly over the speakers and Harm and Animal looked up to see a beautiful vision in Navy whites. Blonde haired and blue-eyed, her lips curled up in a smile that lit up her face. "Hi, Harm..." the voice lent recognition to Harm's alcohol saturated brain. "Meg...Austin?" he extended a hand to shake it. There was no romance in the handshake, it was the handshake of two friends, albeit good friends. "And you must be Commander Chikamori." Meg turned to Animal with a smile, her handshake was warm to the touch. Animal and Harm were in civvies. but their military style haircuts gave them away. "I've heard lots about you." she smiled gently at him, her eyes hinting at her interest. "I hope some of it was good." Animal said trying to get his eyeballs to focus properly. "That's three stripes...y'know..." Harm said. "Thank you, sir...I guessed that..." Meg said to Harm,"Well, Harm... Commander Chikamori, Major Mackenzie...it's really good to be back here..." "Why don't you sit down?" asked Mac..."After all, she's transferring back to JAG. She's going to be Mattoni's new partner since Imes is going back to research." "Is that right?" Harm said."So, we'll definitely see alot of you around the office now." "Yes, sir..." Meg replied. "I'm on-track for my two and a half stripes too, hopefully in the next two years." "I'm sure you'll get it..." Mac said. "Animal's only a couple of years younger than Harm here, and he's already a full commander." "So, what do you do? Commander?" Meg asked. "I'm a fighter squadron commander. VF-41 Black Aces." "So you fly F-14s or F/A-18s." Meg asked. "I fly F-14s, same bird that Harm flew." Animal said,"NAS Oceana, Virginia Beach...great place..." "I bet...sir." Meg said. Meanwhile Mac and Harm were looking at each other...as the lyrics of another soft song invaded their hearing. "Close the door, Shut the world away, All the fights gone from this Wounded heart... Across the floor, Dreams and Shadows play, Like wind blown refugees... Call the man, Who deals...in love beyond repair, He can heal the world, Of hearts in need of care, Shine a light...ahead, When the next step is unclear... Call the man, He's needed here..." Harm could feel his broken heart mending as he gazed softly into his partner's brown eyes. They were so liquid. Her lips were so kissable. He cursed himself for drinking so much that he was ruining this tender moment by looking so bleary. Animal gazed into Meg's eyes. They danced with a light that seemed so intriguing. It was as if he could get lost just by looking into them. "I close my eyes... I remember when... Your sweet love filled this empty room, The tears I cry, Won't bring it back again, Unless the lonely star should fall, Call the man, Who deals, in love beyond repair, He can heal the world Of hearts in need of care Call the man, He's needed here..." "Say," Animal forced himself to expunge the alcohol from his system. He must look pretty bad, he thought, as Meg's look gazed over at him. "A break-up?" Meg asked gently. "Yeah...A break-up." Animal acquiesced. It was so easy to talk to her. "I know..." Meg said. "It's hard to let go...isn't it." Harm sort of blinked. Could Meg be talking about him? No, it couldn't be. But he smiled as he watched his friend, one of his two flight-school buddies be charmed by this vivacious Navy lieutenant. But his gaze returned to Mac, his partner, his dearest friend, the woman who had been with him through every step of the way, these past one and a half years. Mac did mean something to him. "Mac, I..." "Harm. I..." they both laughed as they tried to talk at the same time, and the moment passed. "Say, could I periodically look you up..." Animal asked Meg. "Maybe go for dinner sometime?" She smiled as she gently agreed. "I'd like that..." Meg replied. "Needed in the chaos and confusion, From the plains to city hall, Neede where the proud who walk the wire, are set to fall." Animal turned to Harm and Mac and looking at Meg...said,"In the words of John Travolta in Pulp Fiction...'Why don't we blow this taco stand...'" Meg giggled,"I agree..." Animal had a weird sense of humor. Mac and Harm added their agreements whole heartedly. "Call the man Who deals...in once upon a time, Maybe he... Can mend this broken heart of mine, Shine a light ahead Now the future isn't clear... Call the man He's needed here... Call the man He's needed here..." Harm thought with a smile on his face as Mac slipped her arm around Harm's waist. Grinning as he looked over at Meg who had gently taken Animal's hand in her own...he thought...back to the lyrics of that song... 'Not anymore.' *******THE END****** Animal -getting down on bended knee- FEEDBACK...PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAASE?