4 Peer Critiques

Haze WANG

(1)http://www.geocities.com/ayssuen/descriptiveessay.htm

Dear Adela:

I am very glad to read your descriptive essay. The place you describe is Moscow. Although I have not been there, I am very interested in it. And through your descriptions, I have a rough idea about the capital of Russia. Firstly you make a brief introduction on Moscow, including the historical background and the tourist's spots. And then you pay attention to the Gypsies and the elder people in Moscow. You combine the introduction of Red Square with the description of Gypsy beggars and thieves in the Red Square. And you use the similar method to introduce the Swan Lake and the elder people there. You also find some deeper meanings in what you hear and see. The paragraph about the reasons why Gypsies become beggars and thieves really touches me. I feel truly sad and pity when I read these words and phrases.

I'd like to share some pieces of advice with you as well. Thinking about your topic and contents, I find the topic "Moscow" a bit board. It is very difficult to describe a big city in a short essay. I have a sense that the very thing you want to describe is on the Gypsies and the elder people in Moscow. If you only focus on the topic about the Gypsies or the elder people, will it be better?

Furthermore, considering the ending of your essay, I have an opinion that the ending is a little bit hasty and odd. Maybe you can write more details and feelings. And it will also help us know some pieces of further information.

Best,

Haze

(2)http://hk.geocities.com/aijien2707

Dear Aiji:
I really enjoy reading your descriptive essay in your wonderful web page. The topic is your bed. That makes me a little bit surprised. What is a creative idea! And I can feel your colorful daily life and your love for your small but comfortable bed through all of your vivid words and phrases.
According to the paragraph in which you describe the aroma of your bed, I think that it is unique to describe it by sense of smelling. Since the tutor has asked us to use as much senses as possible to make description, I feel that you always try to do that. To avoid any misunderstand of that aroma, you tell the reason later that it is because of your favorite perfume which you put off near the bed. And the parts of bed's decoration are also attractive. Beds are important for us. Without them, we cannot have good rests and will not have any energy. Besides that, you said that you regard the bed as your confidant. I definitely agree with you. Thinking of your love for your bed, I feel that you are very sensitive.
And I have some advice for your essay as well. Firstly, I have to say that I cannot find any order which you may follow to describe your bed in the essay. You talk about its position, the bed sheet, the aroma, the decoration and so on. But I cannot find a clear clue. Maybe you can think of the structure of the essay and modify the orders. And many times you express your same feeling on the bed, which seems a bit numerous and unnecessary. And there are some conflicts on your essay. You say that your bed is snug, which means comfortable and easeful. But later you point out that it is cool all the time. I wonder if the cool bed can make you feel really comfortable in the winter. And at the end of the essay, you say that the bed remains unshakable, but you give such sentence previously saying "When I move on my bed at night, it will produce 'it' sound like those produce by a rocking chair.' How can the unshakable bed produce any sound? So perhaps you should think it over.
I'm afraid there are also some grammatical mistakes in your essay. Anyway, I just want to share my feelings with you about the content, not the grammar. If you have some questions or disagreements, please let me know.
I'd like to say that I am very glad to read your essay. And I wish that my advice will be useful for you. Let's improve our writing skills together and enjoy writing more and more interesting and meaningful essays. Thanks.

Best,

Haze

(3)http://hk.geocities.com/nancylovelyhk/a_marvelous_encounter.htm

Dear Nancy:

Your story is very nice. The typical beginning makes me a little bit surprised. And the ending of the story is very attractive. I'd appreciate it very much.

Compared with the latter paragraphs which tell about the large turbo generator, the former ones are not as fascinating as them. They seem a little bit long. So maybe it is better for you to subtract the first several narrations, and pay more attention to give details about the description of the generator and show its merits in the story line.

I hope that the advice I have just mentioned will help you. Thank you very much for sharing this wonderful story with me.

Best,

Haze

(4)http://hk.geocities.com/epc50664931/essay2.htm

Dear Iva:

I have read your narrative essay. I feel sad and pity for the two people who fell in love but could not get married with each other. Your story is very good in content and plot.

However, I have also some questions and advice for you. You said in the story that Toby's mother did not want Derek to see Toby. But why did she do that? And you do not give many details in the story, especially for the climax. I'm afraid the last sentence "Love can make us forget time; also time can make us forget love at the same time" is not very suitable for the conclusion. As time went by, Derek still loved Toby. And Toby forgot her lover not because of time. She forgot Derek because she could not remember anything happening before after she was raped.

In a word, I enjoy the story very much. And I wish the advices so far may help you. Thank you very much.

Best,

Haze