MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO NOT. MY JOURNAL MAY TRIGGER YOU. I AM AN IDIOT. I KNOW THIS.

 

                                                                               Hazel 

 

 

I didn’t  sleep tonight. I read Girl, Interrupted. The read isn’t as interesting as I hoped it would be. The movie had more character development. Usually the opposite is true about movies and books. A memoir, not a novel. I must remember to write more feeling into my own memoir. I will write one. Someday. When I realize a purpose, point, message, something.

 

 I can’t even plan more than a day in advance at this point.  I don’t know. Today was productive. I went to the meeting for the  advocacy group on campus. My school has some weird policy, this is very needed, and yet this was the first meeting I could drag myself to.  I’ve been threatened with bodily harm if I don’t return next week. There’s a related meeting on Friday. It’s time for me to rejoin the world of the living.

 

Ready. Set. Go.

 

I still haven’t picked up my paperwork to file for incompletes. I’m still debating between withdrawal and incompletes. I would go for withdrawal if I knew for certain I would be able to get back for spring quarter. That wouldn’t be up to me, and the decision would not be made until after I withdrew. I hate this. I need help. I should make an appointment to talk to someone. I know this, but no one will hold me accountable.  Xboyfriend and I are on friendly terms. He’s trying to pull me out of my funk, but it’s not really his place.  We had breakfast this morning together, and lunch also, but only because it was right before the meeting.  I was popping gum last night and xboyfriend asked if I had eaten that day. I still can’t lie to him, I don’t understand it. I hadn’t eaten that day, but it was just one day.   Why would he just assume that?  Am I that transparent? Perhaps. I don’t know. 

It’s almost sunrise. I can make coffee soon. It just seems odd to drink coffee before then. Just a weird thing of mine. I guess it doesn’t really matter. If you’re not gonna sleep, you’re not gonna sleep.

 

I  wrote several mediocre poems tonight. I’ve lost something. My writing is forced. There’s nothing. Perhaps I should lay poetry down for a bit. Concentrate on what? Random babbling? I don’t know.  I need some sort of outlet. But, I’m not feeling very creative. I feel nothing. Blank mind. Slow moving sludge through the pipes of my mind. I have pipes now?  I guess so.  I have no desire to do anything today.  More rain is on the way. It was absolutely POURING yesterday.  My hair got soaked.  I looked like a drowned rat.  My campus has some serious drainage issues. You’d think it doesn’t rain here a lot or something. ( it doesn’t) But water is an important resource. So I shouldn’t complain.  I normally don’t. This was just an excessive amount of water.

 

 

 

 

2/24/2004

4:20 AM

 

Could I just be honest with myself? Could I be honest with anyone please?

I’m trying to decide between taking one white pill or a large handful of red ones. One to hopefully help me sleep, the others to give me a colorful light show.

 

Let me escape.

 

I’m not in a good place. Worse than I’ve been. Actually, I’ve felt worse but I’m simply not functioning at the moment.  I didn’t sleep last night. I slept all day instead. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was just laying there. Unmoving and numb. Paralyzed. I’m failing out of school and I still can’t bring myself to action.  I’ve been getting in fights with my x-boyfriend.  We are both toxic to each other, but a clean break is so difficult. I can’t even explain what we’ve been fighting about the last few days. We’re both hurt. I can see us getting back together, and I know that this is a horrible idea.   I don’t feel like thinking.

 

One of my friends asked me if I was bipolar tonight. I shit you not. We were stoned.  I asked her if she ever saw me manic. She hadn’t. So that settled that. Do I have depression? Yes. Perhaps she didn’t know the difference. Who knows. She knows something is up. And that rattles me.  Let’s all just pretend everything is alright. Please. Let us get lost in the haze. Is that too much to ask?  

 

 

 

 

2/11/2004

4:08 AM

 

 

 

11:24 PM

 

 

1/26/2004

5:02 AM

 

 

I don’t know

 

 

 

 

Just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

 

 

 

1/25/2004

3:23 AM

 

What do you want me to say?

 

Do want to know the truth? 

 

I hold no value to myself

I am poison

I am shit

Is that honesty for you?

I have my secrets for a reason

I cut my flesh.

I burn.

I hurt.

I wonder if I’m even human

 

My feelings are coming to the top and I honestly don’t know if it’s for better or worse. I’ve been on the verge of tears for hours. Is this release or melt down?

 

What is going on with me? This was a complete 180 in less than half a day.

 

Fuck me.

 

This will kill me.

 

No one cares. No one cares I hate people sometimes. They hurt you when you’re down.

On purpose or not.

 

 

 

 

1/24/2004

12:59 PM

 

 The world is not evil

 

 Spread the news.

 

I’m cleansed. My room is cleansed . All that is negative has gone away.

 

I love the smell of sage in the morning.

 

So yes,

I am in a good mood.

I woke up before 9

I went out and exercised.

 

What the hell happened?? Are the planets misaligned?

 

Last night, some interesting things happened. Not sure how to feel. Still exploring.

 

*?*

 

 

1/23/2004

3:37 PM

 

I sit down a lot

 

(’m lazy…..or something)

 

 

It’s the something. 

 

à

 

 

Anyway….

 

I was standing up to improve the circulation in my legs.

(Didn’t last long as that hurts like a mother.) Thinking that the lack there of may be the reason the scars on my calf heal so much slower that those on my arms or even my hips

 

So yeah….basically I shouldn’t cut there.

 

Anyway…I was thinking if I dropped my weight enough (somewhere under the 125 mark I’m 5’6 or so) the muscle weakness would balance out…and I could go back to at least walking around like a drunk.

 

I’m a genius. No??  Never gonna happen. Not like it would get me anything in life.

 

LOL…this journal is for me. Ask me questions if you know me (some stuff has just never come up…talking about online ppl obviously)   

 

I have really mild CP…not of the retard drooling on myself variety….basically I try to stand up and fall down again.

 

(ok…so that was really, really bad of me. People who are highly affected aren’t always mentally challenged. You should assume someone isn’t until you know one way or the other.)

 

I hate when people make assumptions…

 

And there I go. I disgust myself at times.

 

So how do I get these things to heal?

 

 I think I’ve screwed myself over. Dark purple when the same cut elsewhere fades into nothing. Maybe I want the scars to stay? Maybe it’s just the easiest place to cut. Maybe I should just stop all this shit. My body and I are already at war with one another.  My circulation used to be better. I was forced through years and years of physical therapy. It didn’t do much, but I have to admit I was in less pain back then.  Not that I’m in pain…I don’t know. I’ve gotten used to it. I should probably be on muscle relaxers, but I would abuse those. So it’s all for the better.

 

Besides, that’s what weed is for.

 

 

 

 

1/23/2004

1:15 PM

 

THE SPACING GOT MESSED UP AND I ALMOST HAD A NERVIOUS BREAKDOWN. YEAH. I’M SPECIAL LIKE THAT. IT’S ALL BETTER NOW.

 

 

 

 

1/23/2004

12:17 PM

 

Wow..this background was pink for two seconds. I am so not a pink kinda girl. This is the one page on the website that uses an editor. Hell. I write it in Mircosoft Word. It limits things.

 

Not that this website looks so great.

 

Will fix. Will write the page this weekend. Maybe. Whatever.

 

 

1/23/2004

12:09 PM

 

Obviously…

 

I’m loosing it.

 

I got out of bed. But why should I leave my room?

 

Why do anything??

 

I need to snap out of this.

 

I need help.

 

Student health only has crisis counseling now. A total of five sessions per quarter are allowed.

 

FIVE???

 

I’ve never been…but I’ve read the guidelines.

 

Am I in CRISIS????

 

^(probably)

 

I need long term care…..I’m fucked UP

 

I need to find myself a doctor down here and figure out how the hell to get there.  I don’t want to pay for a taxi

 

But hell, “Hey can u drive me to my shrink appointment?” Right.

 

Prozac might as well be a sugar pill

 

I want it to be night again. I need to hide in the darkness. I scare small children. I  scar(e) myself.

 

I’ve fucked up my grades already.

 

***

Remember Jack off Jill? Anyone? No? Well Check out Scarling anyway.

 

That chick probably wants to move on with her life….forget I mentioned JOJ…

 

Check out the band Scarling.  Most people would post a link. But…I am a lazy fuck We all know how to use google..

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

1/23/2004

11:48 AM

 

Sometime last night…

 

I feel sick. I feel sick.

 

I feel like I could throw up, but what there is in my stomach to throw up..I really don't know.

 

I can't cut it away. I can't starve it away. I can't drink it away. I can't...do this.

 

I don't know how to function. I don't know how to be happy. I spent all day curled up in bed. Hiding. And it gets me nothing. The world is still here. And now I'll be awake all night.

 

Again and again. I do the same things to myself. As if I expect different results.

 

__________________________________________________________________

1/23/2004

 11:48 AM

 

Earlier last night…

 

I’m hungry.

 

NO.

I’m not

Yes

No

Yes

No

Yes

Weak

Soft

Human

Feeling

 

Failing

Falling

Spinning.

 

 

1/22/2004

 2:26 AM

 

I am a fuck up. I bought new blades.

 

10 shiny new blades. 10 blades that don’t have “Made in America” etched on them.

 

They say nothing. The box says made in china.  I don’t know why this maters.

 

 

 I ended up slicing my finger open with one while cutting tape off of a role.  This all happened at the student Center. I was in a hurry to mail something by today. 

 

I needed scissors, I had blades.  I was careless.

 

Blood everywhere.

 

The table was white.  Red on white.

 

Had a panic attack and bolted.

 

Bled into my sweatshirt. And bled and bled.

 

 I think I left blood on the table. I didn’t mail what I needed to mail. It’s late and I am a bad person. I will not sell anymore until I can get out of bed everyday. I can’t be bothered. May just issue refunds. Getting the packages addressed, sealed and sent off before 4pm shouldn’t be cause for crisis. But.. I’m loosing myself.

 

I sounded like a drug dealer in the previous paragraph. Amusing. Online selling.  Textbooks. I swear.

 

I cut tonight. I promised OI I wouldn’t, but my word is for shit.

I don’t feel like being.

 

 

1/20/2004

8:33 PM

 

 I’m not fine

 

I want to die die die die die die die die.

 

I hate it

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

FUCK YOU
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

DAMN IT ALL.

Death is inviting. Calling me softly. My precious. Suducing me into the void.

 

All these damn scars

What happened?

 

LIFE FUCKING HAPPENED

 

Breath in

Breath out

 

Count to 10.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

 

But I STILL want to die

Press down. 

Bleed
And at least feel  Something

 

1/13/2004

1:13 AM

 

I care about nothing. I cut. I’m drunk. I hurt.

 

Fuck.

 

No one understands. No one can ever know another. I watched the Rules of Attraction. And that was triggery as fuck. I’ve decided my friends and I exist on different planes of reality.   They’re reactions to suicide and drug use were weird. I have no one to confide in.

 

 

 

 

1/12/2004

5:53 PM

 

Nothing exciting happens when you trap yourself within four walls. One of my friends came in to get food out of my fridge around noon and came in again a little later. I think she came back the second time just to wake me up.  I guess I should be glad that I have people who don’t want to watch me fall again, but at the same time, it’s easier than trying.

 

 I’m exhausted.

 

I slept all day, and when I finally did get up and going, I spent an hour trying on different outfits. Not that I really care what I look like, it was more of an OCD thing. I can’t explain it. I was just overly anxious. I didn’t get myself to either of my lectures today, but I finally went and got the readers I needed for classes. Felt uneasy the whole time I was out.  I find myself loosing patience with people around me. I ‘m also irrationally jealous of my friends.   I find myself wondering if Friend Y is better friends with friend X than I am.  And I’m almost certain they talk about me behind my back. I’m turning paranoid. What the hell?

 

I need to figure out where the hell I’m living next year. Why does this have to be so damn complicated?  Maybe I’ll just get a studio. Have a space that’s totally mine. But, that’s not really a cheep option.

 

This is day one of being SI free.

 

I’m going to try and reduce again. I’ve been giving into the urges whenever they come. It’s not cool. I can’t wear over half my clothes. Skirts are out, even with pantyhose and so are short sleeve shirts. (Yeah, no shit.)

 

I was brave this summer..….

 

But I had no fresh scars. I don’t think my wrists will fade enough for me to ever be brave like that again.  Will be interesting when the weather creeps past 100.  Another reason not to go home for the summer. It won’t break 85 here.

 

The things I plan my life around.

 

 

 

 

1/10/2004

2:39AM

 

I’m floating. Pot takes the edge of life. Is that a bad thing? One of my friends recently gave up pot because he said that pot takes the edge off life. He said he needs that edge. And yet, he drinks and drinks. What’s the difference? I don’t get it.  I feel good. I think this should be legal. How is it different than alcohol? It would make my life easier. I wonder if I could qualify for medical use? It was legal in the states books, but I think the federal courts override that. I’m really not sure. I should sleep, but I don’t want to let this feeling go. It’s so rare that I’m not anxious or severely depressed. I’m a hopeless case. People saw my wrist scars tonight. Woops. Damn sleeves just a bit too short.  Must remember not to extend arms.

 

I must be productive in the morning. I slept all day today. I took my Prozac tonight. I washed it down with beer, but at least I started taking it again. I did notice a difference when I stopped. I don’t know if I’ll ever be off of those damn things, but I’m obviously not doing all that much better. I hate being high, that’s when I eat way too much at once. I didn’t eat today, so I guess it all balances out.

 

I like the feeling of starving. Being hallow. It fits.  I’m hallow. Numb. Wasted. Nothing. Invisible.  I don’t know what I’m talking about, just typing. I really should run the spell check through here when I’m done. My typing is defiantly not up to par. I need to read tomorrow. At least through week two. I haven’t read a word, but I must get an A-/B+ average this quarter. I can get off academic probation with less. But I’m worried what my future department advisor will think. I did fail one of my major classes (among others) because I didn’t write the paper, oh well. The future is all I have.  It was an interesting class, I just didn’t care. I’m still here. That’s my accomplishment for the first quarter. I’m still here. Good enough.  Not really. I need to affect others. I am way, way too self-centered. I’m sure I’d be a lot more content if I could focus on others more. My mind is trapping me within its web. I think too much, I remember too much. I feel too much.  I don’t deserve this much attention, not even from myself. I realize how blank I am. I have nothing new or revolutionary to share. I’m just one of the crowd. (Outside of it.)

 

 

 

 

1/9/2004

9:39 PM

 

I’m conflicted.

 

Las chicas from high school know about this geocites account. I used it for file storage  before I put anything here.

I don’t know if one of them book-marked the site.

I don’t know if they’ll stumble across my words. 

I don’t know what they’ll think.

I don’t know if I want them to know.

 

I’m tired of being deceitful.

 

Hell. I scare myself at times, if I suddenly relocate…I’ve decided I don’t want them to flip out completely.

 

 

 

1/9/2004 1:38 AM

 

The need to bleed.

 

Red wine is hitting my harder than it should. I left my friends…they’re all still together. But I need…to recollect myself. I am not Ok. I feel like popping pills tonight as well. I’m not drunk enough to pass out, and I don’t want to think or feel. I just., hate myself. I have so much, but I waste it all. I mean, if I lived anywhere else in the world, life would be so different. I think I’d appreciate things more. I think it’s human nature to be unhappy no matter what the circumstances.

 

 The subject of cutting came up in general tonight, because one of my friends keeps a giant knife stuck into her bed post.  I have never ever seen her wear anything but pants or skirts with thick stalking. And I know she has a nasty scar on her calf. But no one thinks these thoughts but me. Hell, I may be imagining it.  The general agreement was the people who cut were dumb, and yeah. It’s not a logical thing in the least. 

 

I feel the allure of death calling to me. Not death, but numbness. I don’t want to feel anything. But what would life be without feeling? .

 

 

 

1/6/2004

9:17 PM

 

Drinking again. Yeah…I’m cool.

 

 

 

1/6/2004

3:55 PM

 

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m hiding out in my room. My own fortress from the world. My own private hell.

 

“The refuge that you've built to flee

the places that you've come to fear the most

It's the place that you have come to fear the most”

 

Yeah.

 

Haven’t seen anyone all day. No energy. No motivation.  I haven’t bought my books yet. I should. But that means I should read them as well. My Xboyfriend (AKA stalker) came by last night with a Christmas gift. He hung around for a while and then left. Las chicas and some others went to eat. Stalker showed up at our table and asked if we had room for him. What am I supposed to do in a situation like that? C~~ and I kept exchanging glances. Esp. after he came back to our dorm after dinner.  Dinner was fun.  I like N~. I really do. Funny guy.

Moving on.

 

C~~ made the comment that I was “doing better.” I guess it was really obvious I was close to the edge before. Not so sure I’m doing better, but I look like I am. That’s best. Trick people. Lie. So many lies. My mother read one of my journals while I was home. Quoted back an entry to me almost word for word. Yeah. It wasn’t happy. Luckly it was more of a book of scrap paper, not a lot in there.

 

She actually had the audacity to ask if I left it out on purpose so she would read it. Leaving it in a drawer vs. OUT are two very different things. Why would I want her to read a journal? Nice justification in her own mind.  UH. Yeah. I don’t trust paper anymore. It’s a shame T~ gave me an awesome journal for Christmas. The cover is pretty to look at. Handmade from India.

 

 

1/6/2004

2:48:55 PM

 

Html is pissing me off. So I popped this into an editor. I feel like I’m cheating, but oh well. I feel triggery. Crazy triggery. I need to relax.

 

Breath deep. It’s foggy. I must have S.A.D. I need some sunlight.

 

 

January 5th

10:07 PM

 

I don't know what I want from life. I don't know anything at all. I have a future to look forward to, but at the same time I wouldn't mind just not existing. I don't feel the urge to kill myself, so this is an odd paradox. What is the point? Really? You live and you die. Some die sooner than others. I know it hurts when others die.  It was the beginning of my unraveling. And yet, it’s a natural process, a cycle. Dying of old age is one thing, but  my sister should be alive, and so should countless other people. It feels unnatural, evil in a way. I don’t know what I believe in. So it’s hard to analyze what’s going on around me. If I had a faith, the frame would be set, the questions answered….

 

So what do I believe?

 

I believe that all “religions” are manmade, but that they all have some common elements.

There is a force. There is order, but is that g~d? I don’t know.