If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and carlots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day
I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stickshifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would endulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge
(chorus)
A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there
I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Poolhalls and potholes and bottles and bitches...
Zucchinies and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and grottos,
And melons and marshmallows...
Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...
(chorus)
If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...
If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.
=====================================================
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock..."
========================================================
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope.....AAAA ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Condom Slogans
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don`t be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
Don`t be a loner, cover your boner.
You can`t go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you`re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she`s spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won`t get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While you`re undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Don`t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection!
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don`t make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can`t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, no love!
=================================================
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35
minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
===================================================
Penile facts
Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime:=7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Yeo Hall...
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day:54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min - to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equvalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. = Some say that thealkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT ANDSUGARY TASTE.Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey BRown, etc.( drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false
Guys, it's not you, a female is wet all of the time.
============================================
PENIS
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who never ever had a girlfriend or even a woman as a
friend before. One day, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and
asks her to marry him. Well, turns out that the woman was in some way
attracted to this guy, so she says "yes" and they go off to Vegas to get
married.
They finally get to their honeymoon suite and the guy decides to get a
little more comfortable, so he takes off his shoes and socks to reveal
his nasty curly mauled toes. The woman doesn't find this too attractive
and shrieks, "EWWWWW! What's wrong with your feet?"
"Oh that," the man replies. "Well, you see, when I was younger I had
Toelio."
"Toelio?" asks the woman. "Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, no!" the man says. "Toelio. It's the same thing as Polio except it
affects my toes."
"Well, that's gross," says the woman, so the man continues to get
comfortable and takes off his pants to reveal his nasty shriveled-up,
bumpy knees.
Once again the women cries out, "What's wrong with your knees?"
"Oh that," the man replies. "Well, you see, a few years back I had
Kneesles."
"Kneeles!" exclaims the woman. "Don't you mean Measles?"
"No," says the man. "Kneesles. It's the same as Measles but it affects my knees. That's why my knees are like that."
The woman did not like this at all, but realizing she was married to this man she lets it go and tries to forget about it. Noticing that his new wife is more relaxed, the man decides to get really comfortable and take off his underwear.
The woman quickly responds, "Let me guess, you also have Smallcox."
===================================================
The male sexual organ requests a "raise" for the
following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes
professional sickness.
Request denied for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
=====================================================
"If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, why can a hard sleeper sleep with a hard-on?"
-From Showgirls
"you jerk off so much that if you ever did get laid you'd probably scream out your own name."
-From Screwballs
====================================================
A man is showering in a locker room with his buddy when
he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're
hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I
had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well,
everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each
night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but
it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say goodbye.
A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room
and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied,
"I did what you said but my dick has actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do
everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well not exactly, butter is expensive, so I've been
using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's
a shortening!"
================================================
5 Worst Things About Being A Penis
You have a bald head.
You have a hole in your head.
Your roommates are nuts.
Your neighbor is an asshole.
When you get excited, you throw up and pass out!!!
===============================================
THE AGING PENIS
My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.