Twelve year old fangirls are characterized by several main factors. The most noticeable is their utter inability to write even the simplest of emails without resorting to the use of Netspeak. You know what I'm talking about -- those posts that look more like a cat walking across the keyboard than discernable English:
OMG... ALKDSE*(@$)*RJD3r9d@RJ! 2 KEWL... L8RZ...
There are also any number of cutesy words associated with your average TYOF: 'hugs,' any word ending in '-licious' not referring to food, rulz, and so on. The TYOF also tends to go the extra mile and make up words. I mean, I know 'glomp' has sort of transcended into HP fandom standard, but it had to have originated as a TYOF word. It puts me in mind of something disgusting and green, and when I read someone 'glomping' someone else, the mental image I get is of the largest green booger in the world being lobbed into the face of the person in question. That, of course, has nothing to do with the fandom meaning of the word, which is what makes me suspect that a TYOF is to blame.
They do not have any standard physical characteristics, although many of them will admit to being depressed, raised by families who hate them, and Evanescence fans. They will also cut and starve themselves.
And here's the worst part. They will write entire epics that consist of a self-insertion character offering to give Tom Felton (excuse me, Draco Malfoy) head while Hermione cuts herself in the corner and Ginny drinks herself to death. Both of these girls, of course, will later be saved by Sue the Blowjob Queen and will be paired up with Harry and Ron (although probably not in that order) on their surprisingly quick and painless roads to recovery. If we are very lucky, Alan Rickman (excuse me, Severus Snape) might walk through at some point and make out with Remus Lupin and/or Sirius Black.
Have you thrown up yet? Personally, I've gone into sugar shock.
This epidemic goes far beyond the usual Sue-baiting, however. They infiltrate a fandom after a movie has come out, generally. Armed with their latest actor crush and a slew of teeny pop hits, they slip into the newsgroups, striking only when their numbers have become too large to ignore.
And that's always what happens, isn't it? You're not paying a damn bit of attention, and then, all of a sudden, you look around and wonder, "When the hell did all of these children get here?" It's enough to make a grown fangirl cry. And read unconventional pairings. Another characteristic of the TYOF is a tendency to stick only to 'mainstream' pairings. In the Potterverse, this means that the majority of the TYOFs are on the Harry/Hermione, Ron/Hermione, Draco/Ginny groups. Poor Hermione and Ginny -- these girls are passed around so damn much in the fandom that I'm pretty sure they're going to wind up like Celebrian at the end of it all (if you don't get the joke, I'm not sure I should tell you...).
However.
If commas are slowly disappearing from the posts on your group of choice, if recommended fics are starting to contain plucky OCs who 'aren't Mary Sue, I swear,' and if people are beginning to ask you which song best fits the Couple of the Moment, be it Ginny/Draco/Hermione or Dobby/Hermione...
You may be suffering from TYOF Syndrome. Unfortunately, if your fandom is symptomatic, it is too late -- the infection is already rampant.
TYOF Syndrome lurks in the cracks and corners of the fandom, lurking safely in the Pit of Voles and other big, anonymous sites, honing their Netspeak and cranking their Avril. They spring fully formed from these sites, like cancer cells metastasizing in the blood of a terminal patient, after significant damage has already been done, and proceed to wreak havoc.
Unfortunately, there is no known cure for TYOF Syndrome. Make your site age-restricted, they'll simply lie. Ban them individually from posting, they'll merely switch screen names and/or enlist their TYOF friends to make your life a living hell. This is not a war you can win by fighting.
But there is still hope at the end of the day.
The final characteristic of the TYOF is her fickleness. She does have the attention span of your average twelve year old, after all. Soon enough, once the movies are no longer being made, or the series of books is finished, or she finds a sexier incarnation of Orlando Bloom three fandoms over, she will be off. Leaving your fandom, trailing flames and pound signs in her wake, she'll go on, to infect her next victim.
And you will recover, if you're still around. Just remind yourself of what the fandom was like before it was invaded. Keep your frieds close -- they aren't TYOFs, after all. And once the TYOFs have swept out, you can begin to rebuild. The sun will continue to rise and decent fanfic will continue to be written.
Really, at the end of it all, keep in mind that this is just a hobby. A fun, often consuming hobby, but a hobby all the same. A good sense of humor is imperative in such situations, because you need to not only be able to laugh at the TYOFs in order to survive them, but at the fandom that created them, as well, and that includes you and me. This, I believe, is the key to survival in the face of such appalling fangirling -- you may not be able to beat the TYOFs, but you can certainly prevent them from beating you.
---Written by a Bitter Old Fic Queen in a snit over a recent onslaught of TYOFs, 24 January 2005
Hayseed