ARMY VOICE MAIL
Thank you for calling the United States Army.
I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the
moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization, the
region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we
can return your call.
As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq,
Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, finished marching up and
down the streets of Washington DC, and attending
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we
will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, however if you require
more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press
1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate
and good hotels, can be solved by one or two low
risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for
the United States Air Force. (Please note this
service is not available after 16:30 hours, or on
weekends). Special consideration will be given to
customers requiring satellite or stealth technology
who can provide additional research and development
funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of grey funnel funding, flags and
a really good marching band, please write, (well in
advance), to the United States Navy. Note: Tomahawk
missile service is extremely limited and will be
provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid
Deployment Force.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little,
have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in
a condemned hut miles
from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off
daily, risking your life, in
all weather and terrain, both day and night, whilst
watching Congress erode your original benefits
package, then please stay on the line. Your call
will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over
Army Recruiter in an old
strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day and thank you for trying to
contact the United States
Army.
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