Letter To CW2 Will Slapaho.
To: CW2 Will Slapaho,
Sir, I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an AH-64 Apache Pilot in the US Army. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to undertake later in my life?
What could I do to get in the academy?
Sincerely
DJ Baker
CW2 Will Slapaho's response:
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of Apache pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most Apache pilots pompous, back-stabbing, Momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming an Army Helicopter pilot, I offer the following alternative.
What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of Utility Helicopters.
This, young DJ, means one thing - the venerable, workhorse UH-60 BLACKHAWK! I can guarantee no Apache pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 50 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a 9-line OP-Order to a new LZ, avoiding pop-up threats, tree's, wires, ducks and geese, coordinating with AWACS, all while eating an MRE, and at the same time laughing as 12 Rangers sit in the back and puke in their Kevlar helmets.
I tell you, DJ, the UH-60 community is where it's at. Where else is it legal to drop fuel blivets, Humvee's, and other crap from the bottom of a helicopter, and not even worry about it when it bounces up and torpedoes the General's staff car!
No where else can you land in a 100 meter landing zone, kick a bunch of ammo and grunts out the cargo door without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you you've landed in the wrong LZ!
Talk about exotic travel-when UH-60's go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the surronding culture enough to give any local population a bad taste in their mouths, not something those Apache pilots can do from their GP tiny's out in the woods!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:
Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to facilitate the calculation of per diem rates around the world. These skills will also be handy when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing.
Health sciences are important also, you will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much more beer you can drink before the tremendous case of the shit's catches up to you, caused by that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers, located in that backwoods God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good BLACKHAWK pilot to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world, and further be able to convince the local authorities to release the Crewchief after he offends and violates every aspect of the local religion and culture.
A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in Germany, and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway.
A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY, and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall, located right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and your beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you, and by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All BLACKHAWK pilots know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big State College would be a much better choice.
Good luck!
CW2 Will Slapaho
A co. 1-106 Avn. Bn. (PHANTOMS)
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