Introspections
                                 by Cathryn

TITLE: "Introspections"
AUTHOR: Cathryn (SpikeDchs@aol.com)
DISTRIBUTION: Belynda's Slash Archive, Deadboy and Xander, Love's Bitch.
RATING: PG-13 - language, homosexual theme
SUMMARY: Xander wonders about the implications of his affair with Angelus.
NOTES: This takes place the morning after "Fulfilment." It is smutless, so
the next one's gonna be a PWP. You know, to even things out. =)
DEDICATED: To Dare and Woodinat, for beta-ing and offering honest opinions.
Thanks, guys!
DISCLAIMER: Everything Buffy belongs to joss, who longer merits having his
name capitalized.

The first thing Xander noticed when he woke up was that he was not in his
room. The second thing he noticed was that he was naked. < What - ? Oh,
yeah. > The events of last night came rushing back, and Xander found
himself simultaneously flushing and getting hard. Groaning, he slowly got
up and more slowly got dressed, struggling to will his erection away.
Nothing doing - until he realized, < Shit, what time is it? My parents are
gonna kill me! > Wrapping his shirt around himself and tucking it into his
pants rather than taking the time to button it, Xander ran out the door and
into the lobby.

John, who was just ending his shift, said dryly, "Morning, sunshine."

"What time is it?" Xander replied.

"'Bout ten-thirty."

"Shit!" Xander shot out the door.

He was about halfway through the park when something occurred to him: He
was already late to school. Why kill himself getting there? He slowed down
to a walk.

He found himself musing over the events of the past week. He'd thought
about it before, but not too seriously - he was, after all, seventeen. Not
a huge surprise that someone touching him, sexually or otherwise, turned
him on. None of it made him gay.

But - last night - ? Was different. It was even better than when Angelus
had just touched him. He couldn't put it into words. Or he was afraid to.
But it had been so good - he was getting aroused just thinking about it.

Xander cringed away from that train of thought. < Let' s not go there. We
can deal with that later. >

< We've spent the last week "dealing with it later!" We'll deal with it
now! >

< But I can't be gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that! But *not*
*me*! > Xander had reflexively stuck in the Seinfeldian catchphrase, but
now he found himself really thinking about it. If there wasn't anything
wrong with it, then why was he acting like there was? < Because I want to
be normal! > < Okay, Mr. Lives-on-the-Hellmouth,
fights-evil-on-a-regular-basis,
has-a-regular-fucking-session-with-smeone-he-hates, tell me about being
normal. >

< . . . shut up! > But it was true. What was his problem with
homosexuality? < I don't have one. No with other people. > Just himself.

< And just look at Larry. > Also true. Pre-coming out Larry? An uptight
jerk. Post-coming out Larry? A nice, relaxed guy. < And what does this tell
you? >

< Nothing! It tells me nothing, because there is nothing to tell! >

< Fine. I give up. >

"Good," Xander muttered. He wasn't gay. He *wasn't.*

He sighed.

Dammit.

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