For Want of a Cross
                                 by Cathryn

TITLE: "For Want of a Cross"
AUTHOR: Cathryn (SpikeDchs@aol.com)
RATING: A definite NC-17.
DISTRIBUTION: Belynda's slash archive, Michelle's Xander and Deadboy page.
Anyone else, please ask.
CATEGORY: Angelus/Xander (Yes, I know those of you on Whiteknight are
going, "Well, duh!!", but the BBETAers may not be so clued in.)
SUMMARY: Xander uneasily ponders the events in "Mind Games." When he
returns to the alley to retrieve his cross, it leads to a lot more to
ponder.
SPOILERS: My story "Mind Games."
NOTES: I started this way before the other story written to take place
after "Mind Games." Also, I don't think it's one of my better stories -
although I really wouldn't mind if you tried to convince me otherwise. ;)
DEDICATED: To two people. First, Sam, aka Bittersweet Spike, 'cause when I
went crying to the Spike Girls after receiving a nasty little flame for
"Mind Games," Sam set herself down and wrote me a delightful little story
wherein Spike and Willow assisted me in wreaking my bloody revenge upon my
flamer. (So take that!) Moral? Don't mess with a Spike Girl, 'cause we're
under his protection! ALSO to Michelle, because she made a huge point of
being VERY PATIENT (emphasizing, not yelling) in waiting for this story.
Right, Chelle? *eg*
OOPS: I forgot to thank my anonymous beta reader for going over "Ripped"
for me. So, thank you, anonymous beta reader!
WARNING: Standard stuff - do not read if you are underage (blah blah blah),
and don't read this if you are offended by m/m sex. If you do, and it
disturbs, do not blame or flame me because I warned you fair and square.
DISCLAIMER: Joss can have them. Also, the bit of song belongs to whoever
wrote the play "Tommy."

"Where were you last night?"

"What?" Xander jumped a mile - he hadn't heard Cordelia coming..

"Last night," she repeated. "We were supposed to meet at the Bronze."

"Oh! Right! Well, um, I . . ." < Was screwing around with Angel in an
alley? You think she'd buy it? > Xander suppressed slightly hysterical,
nervous laughter. " . . . was headed over, and I, I ran into, um, Angel
and, and when he didn't kill me, for whatever Angel-type reason, I decided
not to push my luck and went home," he finished. It was sort of true. In
the way that it was pretty much a lie.

"Oh. Well, have you told Giles?"

"Giles?" Xander echoed."

"Yeah. You know, the guy who should know about this stuff 'cause it could
wind up being a major thing?"

"No! No! Minor. Very minor. Not even a thing, really. An - unthing. And I
have to go. Talk to that guy over there." Xander gestured vaguely and
disappeared into the between-classes crowd of students, leaving behind a
thoroughly confused Cordelia.

< Oh, yeah, Harris, > Xander silently admonished himself as he ducked into
the men's room. < Way to throw her off the trail. I bet she doesn't realize
there's anything wrong *now.* > Xander gave himself a disgusted look in the
mirror. < And you had to mention Angel, too. God, why don't you just give
her a few details while you're at it? >

That gave him pause. Maybe he should tell her. After all, she was his
girlfriend - it was only fair. On the other hand, he could imagine how it
would go.

"Hey, Cordy, I cheated on you. And not only did I cheat on you, I cheated
on you with a guy. And not only did I cheat on you with a guy, I cheated on
you with Angel."

< Oh, yeah. She's totally gonna believe that. Just like I would believe her
if she told me she was messing around with Harmony. > Xander sighed and
leaned forward against the mirror, absently fiddling with the faucet,
letting the cold liquid trickle over his fingers. How could something that
only took fifteen minutes - if that - to happen hit so hard on so many
aspects of his life? It was so - what was the word? - disproportionate. And
that was without that one issue that Xander refused to look at, the one
that started with "g." Was he? Xander hastily ripped his thoughts away from
that, turning them back to Cordelia. She had a right to know. But - she
would never believe it. And if she did, she would be so hurt. It wasn't
like it was ever going to happen again, Xander assured himself. Telling
Cordy would be *so* pointless.

Decision made, Xander walked out of the bathroom and headed for clay class,
the only one he attended on a semi-regular basis.

**********

"Xander! Duck and cover!" Someone tackled Xander, knocking him into a bush
in the front yard.

"Dad? What - ?"

"Your mother cooked," Jerry Harris whispered just as his wife, Maggie,
called,

"Supper!"

"Please tell me that when you say 'cooked', you mean 'whipped up mac and
cheese in a box,'' Xander whispered.

"Close. She made real mac and cheese. Only she substituted Tater Tots for
the mac."

"You've been letting her watch Emeril LaGasse again, haven't you?" Xander
scolded.

"Well . . ." Jerry muttered as Maggie headed toward the bush they were in.

"Come along, children," she said mock-sternly. Jerry pushed Xander out of
the bush, crying,

"Xander! Run! Save yourself!"

Maggie chuckled. "Inside, you two."

Dinner was actually decent, even tasty when compared to some of Maggie's
other concoctions.

"Not bad, Mom," Xander said as Jerry cleared away the plates. "But I still
prefer McDonald's."

"Which reminds me!" exclaimed Maggie. "Xander, could you run over to the
Rosenburgs'? I left my wallet there this afternoon."

Xander glanced uneasily out the window. It was pitch black outside.

And he'd left his only cross in that damn alley.

"Can't I go in the morning?" he asked hopefully.

"You'll forget," Maggie replied, adding ruefully, "and so will I."

There was no arguing with Maggie Harris. Xander sighed. "Fine, but it's not
my fault if Willow kidnaps me and holds me captive as a study partner."
Maggie laughed as Xander stood and headed for the door. He'd have to get
that cross before he went anywhere.

< Relax, Harris, > he told himself as he walked - fast - to the alley. <
You can't possibly run into him two nights in a row. That would be too
weird. > He shook his head. Hadn't he had the same conversation with
himself the night before? < And look what happened. Stop being optimistic.
> A snippet of song came to his nervous brain: < "I have no reason to be
over optimistic . . ." >

He covered the two and a half blocks to the alley in a matter of minutes,
painfully aware of his lack of defense. He headed toward the back of the
alley, carefully looking away from the wall he'd been standing against the
previous night. < Okay. I heard it fall back here somewhere . . . > He
searched for several minutes, growing more and more aware of how incredibly
dangerous this alley was at night. Dead end, no cross or stake - if a
vampire happened along, he was supper.

Finally, he found the cross behind a rotting wooden box. Impulsively, he
shattered the weakened box by hitting it against the wall. He broke off the
jagged end of a too-long piece and stood, stake in hand, cross clutched to
his chest. He turned.

Angelus was standing right in front of him.

Xander gave a startled yell and stumbled backwards. Angelus gave Xander his
best poker face and asked,

"Did I scare you?"

Xander glared at him. "Just a little. But that's okay, 'cause nobody ever
uses the last ten years of their life anyway."

Angelus laughed slightly, then fell silent, studying Xander intently.
Xander did his best to ignore both the vampire's stare and the temptation
to stare back, instead glancing past Angelus at the street, wondering if
there was any chance at all of getting out of this one and ignoring the
fact that maybe he didn't want to.

Okay. He was going to have to make the first move again. Angelus was fine
with that. He stepped toward Xander. When the boy didn't back away, Angelus
reached out and slid his hand behind Xander's head, gently pulling him
forward. After initial resistance, Xander gave in, stepping toward Angelus
and accepting his hungry kiss.

Angelus started to pull Xander against him, but stopped when he felt the
shape of the cross press through his jacket. He broke the kiss and shot an
annoyed glance at the cross.

"Drop it."

"What?" Xander followed Angelus's glance. "Oh. No! This is the only one I
have."

"Then leave it here and get it tomorrow. During the day," he added.

"But -" Xander's protests were cut short when Angelus brushed his hand
lightly across the front of Xander's jeans. His eyes widened slightly. "I
can do that," he decided. He turned around and bent over to hide the cross
under the remnants of the box, slipping the makeshift stake into his
pocket. Angelus watched, half-tempted to pull Xander's jeans down right
then. Before the temptation could get too serious, Xander stood up. Angelus
quickly wrapped his arms around the boy before he could turn around,
pulling Xander tightly against him. He tilted Xander's head to one side and
began to kiss the exposed side of his neck. Angelus worked his way slowly
from Xander's collarbone to his jaw, then kissed his earlobe. Xander gasped
sharply, alerting Angelus to the fact that he'd found a hot spot. He kissed
the lobe again, and Xander shuddered. He sucked at the lobe gently, and
Xander moaned, gripping Angelus's encircling arms tightly. After a moment,
Angelus left a quick kiss just behind Xander's ear and lowered his mouth to
Xander's neck, biting the pulse - not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard
enough to make Xander flinch. He kissed the already fading bite.

Xander swallowed hard, unconsciously reaching up to rub the vaguely sore
spot and wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into. The wondering
ended abruptly, along with any remaining vestiges of normal thought, when
Angelus turned him around and kissed him, pushing his tongue into Xander's
mouth and exploring it, slowly and thoroughly. Xander held on to the
vampire tightly to keep from falling and responded eagerly to the kiss.

When the kiss ended, Angelus told Xander quietly,

"I know this hotel where they don't ask questions." Xander's eyes widened
in apprehension and anticipation as he absorbed the implications of the
statement. Angelus watched him closely, waiting for an answer.

"Okay," Xander said quickly, before his mind could start coming up with all
the reasons he should say no. Angelus gave him a small smile - a smirk,
really - and started walking, gesturing for Xander to follow him.

**

"You signed us in as John Smith and Bob Jones?" Xander said in disbelief
the second he'd closed the door - number thirteen, of course - behind him.
"You've been around for two and a half centuries, couldn't you be a little
more original?" Angelus snorted.

"Don't be so naive," he said, taking off his jacket and draping it neatly
over the one chair in the room. "They know why we're here. They don't care.
That's the kind of hotel this is. The names we use don't matter." He
crossed the room to Xander and pulled him close, kissing him without
preamble. Xander responded instantly, reaching up and tangling his fingers
in Angelus's hair. After a few minutes, Angelus pulled away long enough to
pull Xander's shirt off over his head and resumed the kiss, his hands
running over Xander's back. Xander moved his own hands over Angelus's
chest, searching for the row of buttons and savoring the texture of the
dark-red silk shirt. Somehow, he found and opened the buttons and began to
stroke Angelus's cool skin beneath the shirt. Angelus quickly shed the
shirt without breaking the kiss, and Xander's hands began to explore
freely, tracing over the muscles and lightly fingering the nipples. Angelus
pressed against Xander's hands, kissing him harder. After a few moments
passed, Angelus reluctantly broke off the kiss. He'd felt Xander's arousal
pressing against him, and his own body was responding in kind. He stripped
down to his boxers, then looked expectantly at Xander.

Xander hesitated slightly before he began to undress, fighting back a blush
as he saw how clearly defined his erection was under the loose gray cotton.
Angelus slipped his arms around Xander's waist and kissed him hard,
effectively distracting Xander long enough for him to slip the boy's boxers
down and let them fall to the floor. Xander pulled away from the kiss,
suddenly looking uncertain and shy. Angelus silently marvelled at how
Xander's confidence had disappeared along with his clothing. Something
would have to be done about that.

Angelus slipped off his own boxers, amused when Xander suddenly couldn't
seem to find anything in the room for his gaze to settle on. He kissed the
boy briefly, and told him softly,

"Lie down," gesturing to the bed. Xander hesitated. "Now," Angelus said,
trying to keep the impatience out of his voice and not entirely succeeding.
Xander walked slowly to the bed, trying to suppress the tremblings that
wanted to take over his body. Feeling extremely awkward, he laid down,
fussing nervously with the pillow under his head to keep has hands
occupied.

Angelus walked over to the bed and knelt against the side next to Xander.
He gazed intently at Xander's body, his eyes lingering on each part, his
erect cock hardening further as he thought of all the things he could do,
and all the things he could teach Xander to do to him.

Xander shivered a little under Angelus's scrutiny, then, unconsciously,
began to return the attention, studying the vampire's body avidly. When he
realized what he was doing, he flushed slightly and quickly raised his eyes
to Angelus's face.

Angelus was looking back at him.

He leaned over Xander, stilling the boy's hands with his own, and caught
Xander's eyes with his, refusing to let his gaze escape. He stared down at
Xander, subtly but deliberately asserting his dominance. He did this until
Xander's basic instincts recognized and accepted the assertion, causing
Xander, who was only subconsciously aware of what had just happened, to
blush in confusion and look away.

Satisfied, Angelus stretched out on the bed next to Xander, his aching
erection pressing into Xander's side. Xander reached over to touch him, but
Angelus shook his head no - he was anxious to begin really familiarizing
himself with Xander's body. His own could wait.

Xander shot him a confused look, but lowered his hand. Angelus placed his
own hand over Xander's heart, lightly stroking the smooth skin, then let
the hand slip slowly along Xander's chest and over his stomach, stopping
just short of his cock. He moved his hand back up and roughly twisted
Xander's nipple, eliciting a gasping moan. He lowered his mouth over the
nipple and soothed it with his tongue, rolling the other nub between his
fingers. Xander squirmed, gasped unsteadily, gripping Angelus's shoulders.
Angelus shivered slightly at the feeling of the boy's fingers kneading his
muscles. He kissed the center of Xander's chest, over his heart. Angelus
paused to glance up at Xander - he was staring blankly at the ceiling,
gnawing at his lower lip. Angelus kissed him quickly, drawing the lip out
from Xander's teeth and between his own. He briefly suppressed the urge to
bite, but then thought < What the hell > and bit, hard enough to draw
blood.

Xander flinched at the initial pain, then sighed slightly and relaxed as
Angelus sucked away the small drops of blood. This was crazy. He was crazy.
It was all crazy. < Crazy is good. > Xander was able to solidify this last
thought into words before the vampire resumed his more distracting
activities and waves of unbelievable sensations washed over Xander,
rendering his incapable of anything but feeling and utterly unaware of his
inarticulate groans.

Angelus worked his way along Xander's body, kissing, licking, stroking,
occasionally biting lightly, and deliberately avoiding the boy's erection,
until he was even driving himself crazy. Why did he have a more difficult
time controlling his lust with Xander than he did with anyone else? He set
the question aside and began to tease Xander, running his finger slightly
over the throbbing shaft, flicking his tongue over the head, until Xander
was whimpering and begging semi-coherently.

God, he loved this part. Most vampires considered fellatio to be an act of
dominance on the part of the recipient, but Angelus had always privately
thought that, unless it was a case of a sire expressing dominance over a
fledgling, the real power was held by the giver. And, he reflected as he
paused to glance up at his lover, it was clear who had the power here.

All the same, he had to get this done before his own lust grew so intense
that he lost control over it completely. Just that thought brushing the
edges of his mind sent a ferocious surge of lust through him. He dropped
the teasing approach and slammed his mouth down on Xander's cock, engulfing
the member completely. Xander cried out loudly and bucked his hips. Within
a few seconds Angelus sensed the boy's oncoming orgasm. When he came, it
very nearly sent Angelus over the edge himself. Only long practice enabled
him to hold on. He swallowed Xander's come and then pulled away, stretching
out on his side of the bed and fighting to regain control.

Xander gasped for breath and closed his eyes, marvelling silently at the
absolute completeness of his release - he had never felt so utterly
relaxed. However . . . Xander opened his eyes and looked over at Angelus,
deliberately forgetting, for the moment at least, that they were enemies
and concentrating on the sudden, overwhelming desire to touch him.

Angelus, who had been staring unseeingly at the opposite wall, started in
pleasant surprise as Xander began to caress him, hands straying over his
chest and stomach but staying above his waist. After a few moments of this,
Angelus grew restless; he'd regained some control, and Xander's touch felt
good, but enough was enough. He slid his hands around Xander's waist and
slipped them down to cup his ass. Xander paused briefly, flicking an uneasy
look at Angelus, which the vampire didn't see. He pulled Xander closer,
kneading his buttocks. Xander started kissing his chest, trying to dislodge
his growing uneasiness. Angelus moaned faintly at the sensation of the
boy's warm lips on his cool chest. Slowly, he slipped the tip of his finger
into Xander's anus.

Xander froze for a second, and then began to try to back away, darting a
frightened glance at Angelus.

< He's not ready for that yet, you *fucking* moron! > He growled in
disgust; he should have known that. Hell, he *had* known that; he'd made a
point of not bringing any lubrication because he'd known that. What was it
about Xander that screwed with his thinking?

Misinterpreting the growl, Xander cringed slightly and instinctively raised
his hands defensively. Angelus had to laugh - what, exactly, did Xander
think he could do if he attacked? He pulled Xander back against him, and
winced inwardly at Xander's tense, resigned expression. The kid was never
going to relax until Angelus said something reassuring.

"I'm not going to try it again. Tonight, anyway. Now," he continued,
guiding Xander's hand to his waiting cock, "I suggest you do something
about this before I change my mind." Xander gave him a quick glare.
Reassuring. Right.

Angelus's sense of exasperation quickly evaporated as Xander began to pump
him slowly. Xander watched him intently, forgetting his own annoyance and
focussing on delivering pleasure. He began to experiment, licking slow
patterns over the vampire's chest, moving his hand faster. Angelus thrust
against him, groaning and clamping his hands down on the thin blanket.
Xander nipped lightly at his nipple and he came, twisting the blanket in
his hands, Xander ducking back to avoid the viscous flood.

They lay there silently for some time, each involved in his own thoughts.
Xander's earlier self-consciousness returned by degrees, until he finally
tried to wrap the edge of the papery blanket around himself. Angelus tugged
the blanket easily from his hands and flicked it down over the side of the
bed. Xander immediately flushed and sat up, drawing his knees up against
his chest. Angelus pulled him back down onto the bed and held him there,
telling him firmly,

"You're going to have to drop this self-conscious thing of yours. It
doesn't sit well with me."

"But that's just it," Xander burst out. It was Angelus who sat up this
time, looking down at Xander with confusion.

"That's just what?" he asked.

"Well, it's just . . . this . . . is . . . . . . ?" Now thoroughly
flustered, Xander stopped, trying to gather himself, then saying quietly,
"I wanna get dressed. I can't seem to talk when I'm, uh, . . ."

"Naked?" Angelus supplied sarcastically. "I'm beginning to see that." He
moved aside and Xander got up, making a beeline for his clothes. Angelus
watched him and muttered,

"Not like we're going to be doing a lot of talking, anyway."

"Yeah," said Xander. He had succeeded in pulling on his jeans and felt much
better. "About that." He turned to face Angelus, discovered he couldn't
quite look at the nude vampire, and looked past him at some mysterious
splotch on the wall instead. "Is this gonna be, like, a thing, or is this,
y'know . . . it?" Angelus looked at him blankly.

"Maybe you should put your shirt on, too," he suggested.

"Ha ha." Xander took his advice nonetheless, ignoring Angelus's decidedly
dramatic show of disappointment. "What I mean is, was this just a one time
thing, or . . . what?"

"Like hell was this a one time thing," Angelus scoffed. "I haven't gotten
half of what I want from you."

"Oh," Xander said in a small voice. After a moment of contemplation, he
continued, "Okay - so, what are we going to do about that pesky little
mortal enemies thing?" Angelus got up and walked over to him, putting his
arms around Xander possessively and pulling him close.

"Simple," he whispered. "In this room, in that alley, we're lovers.
Anywhere else, you're fair game." Not that he had any intention of killing
the boy - for the time being - but Xander didn't have to know that. Angelus
kissed him hungrily, reaching for the hem of Xander's shirt. Xander
reciprocated briefly, then suddenly pulled away.

"What time is it? I have to get home." He stepped back and scanned the room
for his shoes, carefully avoiding Angelus's startled, then angry, look.

"Home?" he repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah." Xander found his shoes and started to put them on, nervously
babbling an explanation. "See, I was just supposed to go over to Willow's
and get Mom's wallet, except that I had to get my cross first, 'cause you
know how it is, and Mom's gonna wonder where I am -"

"Shut up." Angelus, ever the multitasker, was simultaneously dressing and
glaring at him stonily. "You had better have plenty of time tomorrow
night," he added, vaguely threatening. Xander nodded quickly, both
unsettled and excited by the prospect. He backed toward the door, fumbling
for the knob, and made a hasty exit.

Angelus picked up the chair and threw it across the room with a roar of
frustration. It slammed against the wall and, being the standard
sturdy-but- uncomfortable plastic type, bounced unharmed on to the bed. The
night hadn't gone the way he'd planned. Oh, he'd known that he'd have to
hold himself back to keep from scaring Xander off, but why had he lost
control so quickly? He did not lose control unless he wanted to. And the
control lost had been not only over himself, but the situation. Why had he
let Xander leave? The hell with that - why had he let Xander get *dressed*?
He considered going after Xander - no, too much aggressiveness would just
frighten Xander and turn their liaisons into rape, which was generally fine
with Angelus, but he sensed that this was one of those cases where mutual
sex would be far more satisfying. Feeling his way carefully through this
beginning period was absolutely crucial.

Angelus shoved the chair aside and dropped onto the bed, opening his
zipper.

Maybe it was crucial, but it was *such* a bitch.

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