Final Fantasy VII, the way it REALLY Happened told by your neighbor and friend, Geechyguy with special appearances by: The chocobo sage, a guy with a big black hat named "Joe," the man that looks exactly like Mario, and Tifa's boobs. Disk 1: Part 1 Last Updated: September 16, 2003 (A gentle hum rimmes over the area as the quiet sound of blaring traffic echoes. A girl stands, watching a green glow shoot off sparks of energy.) Girl: One of these days, I'm going to stop looking at these things.. Oh well, I'm off to get hit by a car. (The girl straightens herself, brushes herself off for a bit, and then walks down the dark alley to the awaiting street. A truck passes by her, almost swiping at her side.) Girl: Damn.. missed. Oh well.. guess I'll get rid of some of these horrible flowers. (Meanwhile, in another area of the city, a train stops at it's station. A guy rides on the top, waiting anxiously for it to stop.) Guy: I KNEW I should have bought a ticket. Man Inside Train: SHUDDAP FOO'! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU GOT A RIDE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Guy: ...heh.. Little does HE know that one of these days I'LL run the show. Man Inside Train: LIKE HELL YOU WILL! (The train comes to a stop as two groups of guards watch. The man inside the train, as well as a couple others, rushes out to kick the hell outta the guards. Then the man calls for the guy.) Man: You EVER gonna come outta there?!! Guy: All right all right already.. Jeez! *SPLAT!* Guy: OUCH! Man: Stupid.. Jus cause I tell ya to come down don't mean ya gotta FALL down! THAT'S why you'll never be a leader. Guy: Shuddap. Man: BAH! Get yer puny ass to the reactor, then we'll argue some more. (The man and the others run towards the next street as the guy is left standing there.) Guy: Now how do I run...? (The guy walks towards the next street. Another group of guards comes towards him and he's forced to attack.) Guards: GET HIM! Guy: Scary.. (The guy stands there, weight on his front foot, as he pulls out his weapon, a giant sword with one bladed edge.) Guards: Ah jeez.. not ANOTHER guy with a big sword.. Guy: Whatcha gonna do about it?! Guards: We're gonna piss and moan while we sit back and let you kick out asses, hopefully getting in one shot while you do so. Guy: Good. Now stand still.. *SMACK!* (With the guards defeated, the guy continues to the next street. Three people, two men and one woman, are standing there waiting.) Man1: What did you say your name was again? Guy: ...Cloud. Man1: What the hell kinda name is that?! My name is-- Cloud: I dun care what your name is. You're gonna die soon, and it won't matter. Man1: Fine then. Well, just call me that guy that looks like Mario. Cloud: Okay. (The guy that looks like Mario runs away as the man from the train comes to the street.) Man: The HELL YOU DOIN'?!? Get yer scrawny asses over to the reactor! (The man and woman quickly run towards the reactor as Cloud and the man stay behind.) Man: By the way.. you can run by holding the X button. Cloud: I KNEW that!! I just.... I just wanted to keep my energy up.. Man: Sure you did..*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough* (The man runs to the reactor, leaving Cloud behind to watch. Cloud quickly runs after him.) Cloud: I bet he owes me money.. (At the entrance to the reactor, Cloud is greeted by the man, and the man and woman from the train.) Man: 'Bout damn time.. Forget how to run again? Cloud: (sarcastically) NO! I.. got lost.. Man: On a one way street?! That's it, I'm comin wit you. My name's Barret. Cloud: I KNEW that already. Barret: How? Cloud: How the hell do you think I got here in the first place? Do you think some idiot programmer just conjured me up as computer code, and POOF! I was here?! Barret: Well.. yes. Cloud: BAH! (Cloud and Barret follow the man and woman to some locked doors.) Barret: Go ahead.. talk to 'em. (Cloud runs up to the man and talks to him.) Cloud: So... Man: You wouldn't believe how many people died just to get these codes. Cloud: Really? How many? Man: I dunno... A lot... well... maybe... OKAY OKAY! Nobody died... Cloud: Psh... (The woman unlocks the door, and the group moves on to the next door.) Man: Coffee? Cloud: What?? Man: You want some coffee? Cloud: Okay. (The man hands Cloud a cup-o-Joe as the woman unlocks the second door and goes through into an elevator.) Cloud: Should we follow? Barret: Not yet. Go into that side room. There's a Phoenix Down in there, just in case dumbasses like you up and die on us. Cloud: How nice of them to think of me... (Cloud and Barret run into the side room and grab the Phoenix down. They then proceed to the elevator and talk to the woman.) Woman: Push that button over there. Cloud: Which one? This one? Woman: NOT THAT BUTTON!! *BEWM!* Woman: ...*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough*.. Cloud: There a cold going around? Woman: Barret.. push the right button.. (Barret pushes the button, and the elevator goes down to the next level. The sound of elevator music gets Cloud excited.) Cloud: This is gonna be fun. Barret: You insane? This is a mission, it ain't 'posed to be fun! Cloud: Bah! I get to blow stuff up! Woman: I like how you think... I'm Jessie by the way. Cloud: I gets ta blow stuff UUUUPPP! I GETS TA BLOW STUFF UUUUUUPPPP!! Barret: You understand anything? You don't jus get to blow stuff up, you're saving the world! Cloud: So? Barret: SO?!! So, you are HELPING THE WORLD!! Cloud: But... I still get to blow stuff up... right? (Barret steps back a bit, turns around, and flexes. He then looks over to Cloud, still flexing.) Barret: You don't get anything do you? Cloud: Anybody ever tell you that you look like Mr. T? Barret: ...*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough* (The elevator comes to a stop, and Jessie runs inside.) Cloud: Guess I should follow.. (Cloud and Barret run after Jessie. They go down some stairs, into another doorway, down a big ladder, and to a pipeway. In the pipeway, Jessie is waiting.) Jessie: Through that door is the base of the reactor. That's where you can blow some stuff up. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud and Barret go into the hallway.) Barret: Since you're the resident dumbass, YOU set the bomb. Cloud: Why don't you? Barret: It's not in my contract. Cloud: Oh... okay. (Cloud walks toward the base, and suddenly falls down, hearing a voice in his head.) Voice: It's not just a reactor... Watch out! Cloud: What? Who's talking? (Cloud stands up and sees Barret looking at him questionably.) Barret: You okay? I thought you were havin a seizure or somethin, but then I remembered, dumbasses can't die, so... Cloud: I'm fine... (Cloud sets the bomb, and hears a roar.) Barret: Wassat? Cloud: Lookout! It's coming! Barret: You don't say... (A giant mechanical scorpion runs towards the two as they prepare for battle.) Cloud: Watch out for its tail! When it is in the air, it'll counterattack with it! Barret: For a dumbass, you sure know a lot about this thing... Cloud: That's because I was in SOLDIER. Barret: SOLDIER?!! Cloud: Yes, I was in SOLDIER. But I can't remember a damn thing, so I quit and joined AVALANCHE to kick some ass until I remember. Barret: But why not Soldier? Or soldier? Or even sOlDiEr? Cloud: Because if they're all caps, then it shows more power, and a general pissedoffivity that I like. Barret: I see. Well... off to the scorpion. (Cloud and Barret easily handle the scorpion, but Cloud makes the mistake of attacking while its tail is in the air, and gets shocked.) *SMACK!* Cloud: Ouch damnit! Barret: heh...*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough*.. (A timer appears above Cloud and Barret's head. A voice rimms over the loudspeaker.) Voice: WARNING WARNING! REACTOR EXPLOSION FMV COMING IN T-MINUS TEN MINUTES AND COUNTING! Cloud: Ah jeez... (Cloud and Barret hightail it to the pipeline where they see Jessie with her foot caught in some railing.) Cloud: You didn't move, but you got stuck? Jessie: Shuddap! You need me to escape. NOW GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE! *SMACK!* Cloud: OUCH! ALRIGHT ALREADY! (Cloud frees Jessie, who runs to the elevator. Cloud follows, but misses the elevator. It goes slowly up as Cloud waits.) Cloud: So... Barret: So... Cloud: Nice weather we're having.. Barret: Isn't it though? (The elevator finally reaches the floor Cloud and Barret are on. They board it, and push the button to go up to the upper levels. Cloud gets happy as the elevator music rings on and on.) Cloud: MUSCRAT LOVE BABY! YEAH!! Barret: The hell? (The elevator reaches the upper level, and Cloud and Barret leave. They talk to Jessie as she opens the doors. When they leave the room, they sprint down a bridge as the man that looks like Mario tells them to hurry up. Jessie trips and falls as Cloud, acting like a true knight of old, picks her up and helps her to barely escape.) Jessie: Don't think this means I'm gonna sleep with you now. Cloud: ..damn.. (A FMV of the reactor exploding is shown as the group barely escapes. In a sewer, Jessie sets a bomb to escape the deadly... sewer.) Jessie: Now I get to blow stuff up..heheheheheheh.. fireFIRE!! (The sewer explodes, and the group jumps through the fire to the street outside. The man that looks like Mario barely makes it out with part of his pants on fire.) MarioMan: Ahh... JEEZ!! Barret: SHUDDAP! Now listen up! Meet back up at headquarters. This time split up so's I dun hafta bitch about you all being together. Cloud: Wait a minute... about-- Barret: If it's about your money, we'll talk at HQ. (Barret runs off, leaving Cloud desperatly trying to answer his question.) Cloud: But... How do I run again? (Cloud, after some time, finally remembers how to run, and heads off to the next street. When there, he see's a girl who appears to be selling flowers.) Girl: What's going on? Cloud: Nothing. Listen, you better leave. Girl: I guess so... wanna flower? Cloud: Will I be able to sleep with you if I do? Girl: Maybe. Cloud: KICKASS! (Cloud pays the girl for the flower, and watches as she walks away. Catching his senses, he follows the street to a large open broadway looking steet. There are a few people walking around, and a glowing item on the ground.) Cloud: (to the first person he sees) Hiya. Watcha doin? Person: I'm walking around like a dumbass. Cloud: Why? Person: Because I'm a NPC. Cloud: Wassat? Person: A dumbass. Cloud: Oh. (Cloud walks to the glowing item, picks it up, and looks at it.) Cloud: Hmm... a potion... Well, as long as it doesn't have anybody's name on it... (Cloud turns the potion upside down. On the bottom, in tape, is written "Property of Bob") Cloud: Damnit... well, I can fix that. (Cloud rips off the tape, puts it on a park bench, and pockets the potion. He then walks to another person who appears to be a NPC that is looking up at a sign.) Cloud: Whatcha doin? Person: Lookin. Cloud: ...? At? Person: The sign. Cloud: What does it say? Person: Can you read? Cloud: Yes. Person: Then why don't you look up at the sign and read it yourself? Cloud: It's not in my contract. Person: Oh... it says "This sign is READ. By the way: kill Shinra. signed: AVALANCHE." Cloud: I see... Okay... bye bye then. Person: ..cya's.. (Cloud walks off the street into an alley-way.) Cloud: Hmm... Nothin here, guess I'll catch the morning trai--WHAT THE HELL! (A group of guards comes towards Cloud. Fearing a fight, Cloud draws his sword.) Guard: Oh... he wants to fight... and here I was just gonna ask him for directions... (Cloud kills the guards, walks for a bit more, but is attacked by another group of guards. He kills them, and their friends that come later on. A large group of guards comes next.) Cloud: This just isn't my day... (Cloud backs away as the guards get closer and closer. He stands on a ledge overlooking a tunnel.) Cloud: DON'T COME ANY CLOSER OR I'LL JUMP!! Guard: Good. It'll save the paperwork. (The guards close in on Cloud, and he jumps off the ledge onto a train that just HAPPENED to be coming right then.) Cloud: Good thing I can't die... (Inside the train, Barret, Jessie, the guy that looks like Mario, and that other man sit, discussing the state of affairs dealing with foreign trade and post modern materialism as it stands in the educational system today. Cloud busts open the rail car's doorway and jumps in.) Cloud: I always did know how to make an entrance. MarioMan: CLOUD! That other guy: CLOUD! Jessie: ..Cloud.. Barret: *cough*..(dumbass)..*cough* Whatcha doin here?! I said to meet up at HQ, and STAY SEPERATED, 'n here we all are, TOGETHER!?! Cloud: We're a big happy family. Barret: BAH! Anyway, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go into the next car, scare the hell outta the people in there, talk for a bit, and go to HQ, okay? Cloud: Umm... okay. (The group jumps to the next car, leaving Jessie and Cloud behind.) Jessie: Your face, it's all dirty. Here, let me help. (Jessie closes the door Cloud forgot to close, and wipes off Cloud's face.) Jessie: Don't think this means I'm gonna sleep with you. Cloud: ..damn.. (Jessie jumps to the next car, and Cloud quickly follows. In the next car, Barret has already started scaring everybody else away. When finished, he takes a seat at... well... a seat.) Jessie: (from a moniter on the other side of the car) Cloud, come here. I want you to look at this. Cloud: Okay. (Cloud goes over to Jessie.) Jessie: This is a map of Midgar. It shows the railroad we're on right now, as well as a lot of green stuff that's supposed to be the city. This city itself is divided into eight different sectors. They used to have names, but some coffee spilled on the script, and they were forgotten with time. Now they're just known by their numbers, one to eight. Where we were was sector two. You blew up the number two reactor there, causing pandemonium, and a power loss. Cloud: Why did we do that again? Jessie: To save the planet. Cloud: Oh. Jessie: There are seven more reactors. Each of them control--GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT! (Cloud takes his hand off Jessie's butt.) Jessie: Now then. Each reactor controls the power for part of Midgar. They use a great deal of Mako Energy (tm) to do this. As long as the Mako Energy (tm) is being used up, the planet dies more and more. Cloud: kay... can I put my hand on your butt again? Jessie: No... well... maybe after you blow some more stuff up. I like that kinda thing, electronics and explosions, you know. Cloud: I see... Barret: CLOUD! Get yer scrawny ass over here 'nd look at this. Cloud: What? Barret: The sky. It's gone. Cloud: Yeah, I know. Barret: That city above... The floating city. It's takin all the energy. IT'S CAUSE OF THAT &#$*^$ PIZZA THAT THE PLANET'S DYING! Cloud: &#$*^$? Barret: Yeah... kids might read this. (Barret points his gun arm towards the reader.) Barret: AND DON'T YOU BE GETTIN ANY IDEAS 'BOUT TELLIN WHAT &#$*^$ MEANS NEITHER! Cloud: So that's why you are destroying the Mako (tm) reactors? Barret: In a nutshell, yes. Plus I like to see stuff get blowed up. Cloud: Ah. (A red light starts to flash, and the sound of an alarm goes off.) Cloud: Wassat? Jessie: Don't worry. It's just the ID system. It'll turn off in a minute. Luckilly I made these cards that make it think we're important people. Cloud: Oh. (The sound and lights stop.) Jessie: See? Cloud: How quaint. Jessie: Now just sit back and wait while the next FMV rolls, then the trainride'll be over. Cloud: kay. (Just as Jessie said, there is a FMV with the train going by. The train stops, and the group gets off.) Barret: You all get yer scrawny asses over here. I gots somethin to tell ya. (The group goes over to where Barret is standing.) Barret: Meet up at headquarters. We'll talk there. Cloud, do you remember how to run? Cloud: YES. I'm not a baby you know. Barret: I dunno... you do look kinda cute... Cloud: Izzat a come-on? Barret: Nah... I'm already married. Cloud: So? (Barret runs off towards headquarters.) Cloud: He wants me, oh yes, he wants me bad. (Cloud runs after Barret, not knowing where headquarters is. He comes to a small field with a fence on it's north side. There are some people standing beside the fence looking up. Cloud goes up to the people.) Cloud: Lemmie guess, NPC's, right? Person: Yep. Cloud: Whatcha lookin at? Person: Look up. (Cloud looks up, and sees a giant pole attached to a certain $#$*^$ pizza up top.) Cloud: Wassat do? Person2: It holds up the city above. Cloud: Oh... thankee. Person: No problem. It's our job. Cloud: Really? Person2: Yeah, it's in our contracts. Cloud: Oh. (Cloud runs off after Barret again. He ends up in a semi-busy street with a shop at one end, a bar at another end, and some houses on the north side.) Cloud: (looking at the bar) Hmm... (The sound of gunfire blasts through the city. A group of people come running out of the bar, and Barret chases them off.) Barret: Damn tourists! GET OUTTA OUR HIDEOU---er... BAR! (When the people are gone, Barret's group enter the bar. Barret waits outside as Cloud quickly follows. Inside, the bar looks like... well... a bar. Cloud looks around for a bit before noticing a familiar face.) Cloud: Tifa! (Tifa, a rather well endowed woman, comes from a back room to greet Cloud.) Tifa: Heya Cloud. How ya been? Did you fight with Barret this time? Cloud: Of course I did. Tifa: Okay. Oh, heya Marlene. (A girl comes from the back room.) Marlene: ... Tifa: Oh, flowers? Are they for Marlene? Cloud: Umm... er... YES! Here ya go Marlene. (Cloud hands Marlene the flowers.) Marlene: ... Tifa: That's sweet Cloud. Thankee. Jessie: Don't think that means she's gonna sleep with you now. Cloud: Which one? Tifa or Marlene? Jessie: Any one of them. Cloud: ..damn.. (Cloud decides to get some fresh air, but on his way out the door, Barret comes rushing in.) *SMACK!* *THUD!* Cloud: Ow, HEY! Barret: Heya Marlene, hows it goin? (Barret picks up Marlene and swings her in the air.) Marlene: RAPE!! (Barret puts down Marlene, and runs to a pinball machine on the side of the bar.) Barret: Now all of you's come down here. I hafta talk to you. (Barret slams the pinball machine. It slowly goes down to the lower level. The group quickly follows.) Cloud: So... Tifa: So... Cloud: Nice weather we're having... Tifa: Yep... Cloud: So... Tifa: Coffee? Cloud: Okay. (Cloud enjoys a cup-o-Joe while looking at Tifa's white shirt, wishing it were raining in the bar.) Tifa: You should go down there too. They're probably expecting you. Cloud: Maybe... (Cloud finishes his coffee and goes down to the lower level.) Barret: 'bout damn time, did you get lost again? Cloud: Well, yes, but that's not why I'm late. Barret: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrree...*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough* (Barret begins punching a nearby punching bag.) Cloud: About my money... (Barret starts punching faster.) Barret: Money shouldn't matter. The planet's what's important. Cloud: Yeah, whatever. Where's my money? Barret: Talking like that'll never get you anywhere. Your damn money's upstairs. Go up there, I'll be up in a minute. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud goes upstairs and talks to Tifa for a minute.) Cloud: Is he always that way? Tifa: Who? Cloud: Barret. Tifa: Only on Tuesdays. Cloud: Oh. Tifa: Don't worry about him though. He means well, he just has weird ways of showing it. Cloud: I'll say. (Barret comes up to the upper level.) Barret: Here's yo damn money. (Barret hands Cloud a pouch with 2000 gil inside.) Cloud: This'll last... *cough**cough* Barret: You mocking me? Cloud: NO...*cough* Barret: Good then. Take yo money and stay here. Cloud: Why? Barret: There's eight reactors. We've blown up one of them. There are seven left. Cloud: Hmm... Well then... 3000 gil. Barret: WHAT!! Tifa: Barret... Come here for a minute... (Tifa takes Barret back a bit.) Tifa: ...Pay the money... Barret: WHAT!! That money's fer Marlene's schoolin'. Tifa: Pay the money. Barret: I need a reason to do it. Tifa: I'll wear a tighter shirt if you do. (Barret goes over to Cloud.) Barret: You got yoself a deal. Cloud: Good. Now, gimmie your materia. Barret: What? Oh, this? How did you know I picked it up? Cloud: Luck. Now, I'll explain how to use it. Barret: Dumbass. I already know how to use it. Cloud: Okay, good. I didn't want to spend all day talking about shiny rocks when I have much better things to do. Now, shall we be going to the next reactor? Tifa: I'm coming too. Cloud: Why? Tifa: It's in my contract. Cloud: Oh. (Barret calls for his group to meet them at the train station, and joins Cloud and Tifa. Cloud heads outside for the shop. At the shop, and old man sits, doing nothing really interresting.) Cloud: Whatcha got? Shopkeeper: I got porn, porn, and potions. Cloud: Hmm... I'll take three potions. Shopkeeper: Would you like fries with that? Cloud: What? I couldn't hear you... Shopkeeper: Nothin. (Cloud recieves the three potions, heads out of the shop, and into a nearby building. Inside, he sees that the place is a training camp of sorts. There are people firing guns left and right, and people talking about every aspect one might want to consider before going on a journey.) Cloud: BAH! I'm not going on a journey. I'm just gonna blow stuff up. Person: You Cloud? Cloud: Aye. Person: ...? Anyway, there is somebody upstairs that wants to talk to you. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud heads upstairs and sees a man standing by a box.) Man: Cloud? Cloud: Yes? Man: My contract said that I was to tell you to open this here box. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud opens the box, and out pops a save spot.) Cloud: Bah... I've seen em before. Savespot: Shut up your ass and come over here. Stand on me. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud stands on the savespot.) Savespot: Now you can save your gam--er...journey. Cloud: Yeah, whatever. *SMACK!* Cloud: Ow, hey! I though savespots weren't violent!?!! Savespot: You heard wrong. Now save your damn journey and get off my face. (Cloud saves his journey and leaves the building, heading North to another building. Inside the building, a man and a woman, watching TV, are startled by Cloud's entrance.) Man: What the? Cloud: Hiya. Woman: Phew... for a second there, I thought you were out dumbass kid coming back from the army. He left today you know. Cloud: And? Man: And he'll be dead sometime next week. Cloud: You can tell this how? (The man holds up a book with the words "Ye 'Ole Script" on it's cover.) Man: You're sceduled to kill him next Thursday. Cloud: Ah. Mind if I use your bathroom? Woman: Go ahead. First door on the left. (Cloud goes into the bathroom, and is surprised to see Tifa and Barret standing right beside him.) Cloud: Privacy? Barret: Can't. We're in yo party, and have to follow you where ever you go. Cloud: hmm... (Cloud finishes doing...well, you know, and leaves the bathroom.) Cloud: Thankee. Man: No problem. If you see our dumbass son, kill him for us. We need some time alone, so if you would be so kind to LEAVE!! Cloud: Kay. (Cloud leaves the house and goes back to the field with a fence. Catching a glimpse of two guards on the south side of the field, Cloud goes to greet them.) Cloud: Hiya :) Guard1: ...Umm...Hi... Guard2: SHUT J00 M0UTH F00! Cloud: Jeez... Guard1: So that's how it's done... Guard2: Yep, you gotta be strong in front of them. Guard1: Oh... Anyways... Guard2: Anyways... Cloud: So... Guard1: So... Guard2: So... Cloud: Nice weather, eh? Guard1: Yep... Guard2: I've seen better... Cloud: Coffee? Guard2: Kay. (Cloud and the guards enjoy a cup-o-Joe, and Cloud leaves, heading for the train station. At the train station, Jessie, the guy that looks like Mario, and that other guy are already waiting. Seeing them, they board the train as Cloud, Barret, and Tifa follow. Inside the train, Barret takes his usual seat while Cloud stands in the back. Tifa runs to the front, standing in front of the monitor that Cloud and Jessie were sharing their moment together earlier.) Tifa: Cloud, come here. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud goes over to Tifa.) Tifa: Seen this before? Cloud: Yep, Jessie showed me. Tifa: Oh, damn... Well... How ya been? Cloud: Dunno... I guess I've been okay, but I've been getting a lot of headaches. Tifa: That so? Maybe you're having too much coffee... Cloud: Nah. (The red lights and alarm sounds of an ID checkpoint go off.) Jessie: What the? It wasn't supposed to be this early. Voice: WARNING! WARNING! IMPOSTERS ON CAR 4! Barret: Ah shit... EVERYBODY ON THE NEXT CAR, NOW! (The group runs to the next car as the doors to the fourth car seal shut.) Voice: WARNING! WARNING! IMPOSTERS ARE MOVING TO CAR 3! Tifa: Here it comes again... (The group heads to car 2 as car 3's doors are sealed.) Cloud: Phew... we made it... Voice: WARNING! WARNING! IMPOSTERS ARE MOVING TO CAR 2! Jessie: Run! (They run to car 1 as car 2's yadda yadda yadda.) Cloud: Did we make it? Voice: WARNING! WARNING! IMPOSTERS ARE MOVING TO CAR 1! Cloud: Damnit... we're outta cars to run to. MarioMan: Don't worry. We'll handle things here. Just jump off the train! Barret: Right. Tifa: I'll go first. (Tifa jumps off the train.) Cloud: Aren't you going? Barret: I'm the leader, 'n the leader stays till the last minute. Cloud: Oh. (Cloud jumps off the train.) *SPLAT!* Cloud: ungh.... *SMACK!* Barret: WAKE UP! Cloud: OWCHIES!! Barret: Dumbass... Wake up! (Cloud sits up.) Cloud: Where am I? Who am I? Am I real? Oh, wait... I don't do that till later in the story. What am I supposed to do again? Oh yeah, I remember now. Ungh... Tifa: So, this is the railway... Cloud: Yep... Barret: The reactor's over that way (points North). Cloud: Kay. (Cloud picks himself up, brushes himself off, and heads north. He goes as far as he can go until he's blocked by a energy field.) Cloud: I wouldn't touch that if I were you... Barret: Why? Cloud: Cause you'll die if you do. Barret: Oh, then how we gonna get in there? Cloud: Through here (points to shaft). Barret: I'll never be able to fit in there. Cloud: But you're in my party, and my party goes where ever I go, and I'm goin in this shaft. You'll fit if I can fit. Tifa: But can you fit? Cloud: Yeah... it'll be easy. (Cloud goes in the shaft. On the other side, there is the looks of a factory. The man that looks like Mario is standing there, waiting.) MarioMan: You can get to the reactor if you climb that ladder. Cloud: Um... there's two ladders there. Which one? MarioMan: That one. Cloud: .........??? Oh well... (Cloud climbs the first ladder, and enters a hallway where Jessie is waiting.) Jessie: I'm sorry, my ID cards didn't work. I'll do better next time. Cloud: It's alright. Jessie: Thankee, but don't think buttering up to me means I'll sleep with you. Cloud: ..damn.. Jessie: Anyway, take that door over there, and you'll be in the reactor. I'm going to go work on some better ID cards for next time. Cloud: Kay. (Jessie runs off, and Cloud enters the door. The room he sees looks a lot like one of the rooms he saw at the other reactor. He slides down a large pipe and heads to the doorway on the other side of the room.) Cloud: So they're all the same eh? Goodie... I GETS TA BLOW STUFF UUUUPPP! I GETS TA BLOW STUFF UUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!! *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! Tifa: No, I gets ta blow it up. Cloud: Nuh-uh, it's in my contract. Tifa: ..damn.. Cloud: Shouldn't we go back? Barret: Why da hell would we do that? Cloud: I wanna hear the elevator music. Barret: ..*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough*.. No, we ain't goin back till we gets the job done. Cloud: Ah man... (The group heads through the pipeline, down the large ladder, through the hallway, and into the base of the reactor. Barret stands guard at the end of the hall while Tifa stands beside the base. Cloud walks up to Barret.) Cloud: Standing guard? Barret: Yep. Cloud: How sweet. Barret: Shaddap. (Cloud walks over to Tifa.) Cloud: So... Tifa: So... Cloud: Whatcha doin? Tifa: Just standing. Cloud: I see. (Cloud walks over to the base and starts to set the bomb. Suddenly, the voice from earlier echoes in his head again.) Voice: ..boo.. (Cloud sees images. Images of a girl with a long sword. After the orgasm, Cloud wakes up.) Tifa: You okay? Cloud: I-I'm fine. (Cloud finishes setting the bomb, and is surprised by the fact that a timer doesn't appear over anybody's head.) Cloud: Oh well... Shall we? Tifa: Lets. (The group heads back the way they came, going up the elevator.) Cloud: YEAH BABY!! (They get to the entrance to the reactor, and are about to follow the guy that looks like Mario outside, when a group of Shinra soldiers stops them in their path.) Barret: GO THE OTHER WAY! (A group of Shinra soldiers comes from the other path.) Cloud: Oh boy... (A helecopter floats in the air, making a landing near one of the paths, out jumps a fat balding man with yellow hair.) Cloud: The president of Shinra... Pres: Do I know you? Cloud: I was one of your cheap hookers until I left. Pres: Ah, yes. The escapee. Good to see you back in action... though for the other side. Cloud: I like this way of life better. I get more coffee now. Pres: Oh, you'll pay for that. (The president jumps back in the helecopter as Cloud runs after him.) Cloud: STELLA!!! Oh, wait... PRESIDENT!! Pres: What? Cloud: Coffee? Pres: Okay (Cloud and the President enjoy a hot cup-o-Joe while discussing advanced weapondry tactics and how to embroider the perfect quilt. When finished, the President boards his helicopter.) Pres: I'll let you play with my new toy for a while. (The helecopter flies off as the rumble of a machine grows.) Barret: Wassat? Tifa: LOOK OUT! (A giant robot comes flying towards Tifa and Barret. Cloud jumps behind the machine and gets ready to attack.) Barret: Know anything 'bout this pain in da ass? Cloud: ...nope. Barret: Damn. Well, looks like we're going blind. (The group starts to attack the robot, finding out that every time they attack, it counter attacks.) Barret: ARGH!! THIS IS GETTIN ME PISSED!!!! (Barret gets madder and madder, until he gets to the point of beserk. With a giant blow from his gun-arm, he lets loose a fireball that incinerates the robot.) Barret: Well... That was nice. (The robot falls over to the bridge the group is standing on. The bridge, since made by Shinra, can't bear weight like that, and breaks. The force knocks Cloud over the edge where he hangs onto a support rail. Tifa tries to help pull him up.) Cloud: Don't... I must fall. Tifa: Why? Cloud: I don't know. I just think I better fall. Tifa: Umm... Okay. (Barret pulls Tifa back as Cloud lets go and falls into a fog, never to be seen for twenty seconds by another soul again.) Tifa: NNOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (A FMV of Barret and Tifa escaping the explosion of the bomb in the base is shown. It ends with Tifa's boobs.) (Voices echo through Cloud's mind.) Voice1: You think he's dead? Voice2: Nah... He's a dumbass... Cloud: Ungh... Voice1: Ah... Voice3: You okay? WAKE UP!! *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! HEY!! (The girl who was selling flowers is holding Cloud.) Cloud: I think I'm in love... Girl: What? Cloud: Nothing. Girl: Are you okay? Cloud: I guess so. Girl: Good. Now get off my flowers! *SMACK!* Cloud: OKAY OKAY!! Jeez... (Cloud gets off the flowers.) Cloud: So... Girl: So... Cloud: You were selling flowers earlier, right? Girl: Yes. I thought you wouldn't remember. Cloud: Why? Girl: I dunno. Cloud: Oh, what's your name? Girl: Aeris. Cloud: Hiya Aeris. Aeris: 'ello. Cloud: Coffee? Aeris: Kay. (Cloud and Aeris enjoy a cup-o-Joe together while they talk about international relations and how Jell-O maintains its jiggily shape. A man walks into the monastery where they are talking. He stands in the open doorway.) Aeris: Hmm... He's back. You wanna be a bodyguard? Cloud: Why? Aeris: See that man over there? Cloud: Yeah, he looks familiar... Aeris: He's after me... He wants to kidnap me... Cloud: Oh... Kay, what'll you pay me? Aeris: Hmm... How about a date? Cloud: eh? Aeris: I'll go on a date with you. Cloud: That's hardly payment. Aeris: I sleep with people on the first date... Cloud: SOLD! Now, follow me. Aeris: Okay. (Cloud walks over to the man standing at the monestary entrance.) Cloud: Whatcha doin? Man: Don't mind me. Cloud: You look familiar... Man: ... Cloud: Come on, Aeris. Let's go to the back room. Aeris: Why? There's nothing in there. Cloud: It's in our contracts. Aeris: Oh. (Cloud and Aeris head to the back room of the monestary as the man follows with a group of Shinra guards.) Man: Follow them... And don't step on the flowers. Guard1: YOU STEPPED ON THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWERS!! Guard2: YOURE GONNA GET IN TROOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUBLE!! Man: SHUDDAP! (In the back room, Cloud and Aeris climb up a step of stairs. They then walk across some planks until they can go no further because of a gap.) Cloud: Guess we'll have to jump. Aeris: I can't make that jump. Cloud: Sure you can. Aeris: No I can't. (Cloud jumps across the gap.) Cloud: Hurry up. Aeris: Wait, I think I see another wa--OH JEEZ!! THEY'RE HERE!! Cloud: RUN! (Aeris tries to run, but the Shinra guards start firing their machine guns at her, causing her to fall off the planks onto the ground below the guards.) Aeris: Ow. (The guards start to head towards Aeris, very slowly.) Cloud: Hmm... Maybe I should do something... (Cloud heads up the last set of stairs to an attic that has barrels sitting on some planks.) Cloud: Hmm... Aeris: HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING!! (A guard comes closer to Aeris.) Guard1: You're perty. Aeris: SHUDDAP! Cloud: FIGHT THEM!! Aeris: WHAT?!? Cloud: Get off your scrawny ass and kick their butts! Aeris: Umm... Kay. *SMACK!* Cloud: Good. Now sit there like a helpless mouse while I stand up here and do nothing. Aeris: You insane?! I wanna fight! Cloud: Fine then, be that way. (Aeris rushes up to the next guard.) Guard2: I uh... I didn't wanna fight... *SMACK!* Guard2: Ow. (Cloud watches, leaning up against a barrel. He shifts his weight and the barrel suddnely falls down, hitting the third guard right in the head.) Aeris: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! I WANTED TO FIGHT HIM!! Cloud: ...Sorry. (Aeris climbs the set of stairs and makes her way to Cloud using an alternate route.) Aeris: Now then, we can get outside if we climb through this hole. Cloud: Okay then... Lets go. (Cloud and Aeris climb out the hole and sit on the top of the monestary roof watching as the man finally leaves.) Cloud: I REMEMBER! He's Reno of the Turks. But why is he after you? Aeris: ..*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough*.. I knew his name ALREADY! And I don't know why he's after me. Cloud: The Turks sometimes help to find potential SOLDIER members.. . maybe they wanted you to be in SOLDIER? Aeris: I dunno. Cloud: Hmm... Well then. We can't stay up here FOREVER. Let's go. Aeris: Kay. (Cloud jumps from roof to roof heading to the ground. Aeris follows slowly behind.) Cloud: I thought they wanted you for SOLDIER. Aren't you in any shape at ALL? Aeris: SHADDAP! *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! Aeris: Well if you're mister smarty pants, you tell me why they're after me. Cloud: Hmm... Maybe it's because you're the last member of an ancient race of beings that came to this planet in order to civilize it, and are the secret to finding a "Promissed Land" that supposedly holds the motherload of Mako Energy (tm). Aeris: Nah... Couldn't be that. Cloud: I dunno then... (Cloud and Aeris finally make it to the ground, and head off to the west to a small city.) Aeris: This is sector 5. I live here, on a house by the hill over there. Cloud: Hmm... Okay. I'm going to talk to some NPC's for a bit, then take you there. Aeris: Why talk to NPC's? Cloud: Because they're dumbasses. Aeris: Oh. (Cloud walks up to the first NPC he sees and starts to talk to him.) Cloud: Hiya. Person: Hello. Cloud: Whatcha doin? Person: I'm standing here telling everybody about the person in here. Cloud: What's so special about the person in here? Person: His head bobs up and down really funny. And he's got a tatoo. And he speaks in moans and wails. And he gives out the winning lotery numbers every hour on the hour. Cloud: Ah. (Cloud heads into the makeshift building. He sees the person the NPC was talking about sitting on a bed, head bobing up and down just like the NPC said it would.) Cloud: Hiya. Person: unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngg. woooooooooooooooo.. Cloud: Umm.. okay. Person: aieeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooraaaallllllllllppppppphhhhhh.. Cloud: Aeris, do you have the time? Aeris: 11:59 Cloud: Okay. (Cloud waits for one minute.) Person: 28...07...82...17...42...06....19...7.. Cloud: heheh.. I'm gonna be RICH! Aeris: ..*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough.. Person: ..*cough*..(wooo)..*cough*.. Cloud: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?! *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! Person: ..*cough*..(wooo)..*cough*.. Cloud: Lets' go. This guy's mean. (Cloud heads out of the makeshift building and heads to a couple talking by a van.) Cloud: Hiya. Person1: Hello. Person2: 'ello. Cloud: Whatcha talkin' 'bout? Person2: The state of world trade relations and the powers that be with Mako Energy (tm) production and it's effects on cookies. Cloud: What? Person1: We're exchanging cookie recipies. Cloud: Oh. (Cloud heads into the van. Inside there are three people just standing around. Cloud heads towards the first person, a kid leaning on a table.) Cloud: Hiya. Kid: Shove it. Cloud: Good kid. (Cloud heads to the woman standing on the north side of the van behind a table.) Cloud: Sellin anything? Woman: I am now. (Cloud buys some potions, a couple ethers, and a porno. He then heads over to the man on the other side of the van who is also selling something.) Man: We gots weapons 'nd stuff. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud buys two carbon bangles and he and Aeris equip them. They then leave, and head to a house a bit south of the van. Inside the house is a man watching a large TV that is reporting about the Mako (tm) reactor explosion.) Cloud: Whatcha watchin? Person: Wasn't that just explained? Cloud: OH!! I didn't see that. Person: ..*cough*..(dumbass)..*cough*.. (Cloud heads up a set of stairs to a room owned by a child. Inside, the kid is sleeping, and mumbling.) Kid: mmfmfffmnfmn... drawer.. between the drawers.. (Cloud heads to the dresser and checks between the drawers. Sure enough, there is a hidden compartment holding five gil.) Cloud: Should I take it? Nah... Not enough. (Cloud leaves the room, and the house, and heads Southwest to a building with a large glowing sign that says "ITEM".) Cloud: You sell items? Shopkeep: WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYBODY ASK THAT! I DON'T SELL ITEMS!! I sell materia. Cloud: Hmm... (Cloud buys some materia, and leaves the disgruntled old man there to bicker to the next customer, whichever unlucky soul it may be. He then goes East to what appears to be an alley, only to find a large house by a garden in a sunlight area.) Aeris: Here's my house. Cloud: How much would a house like this sell for? Aeris: I dunno... Ask him. (Aeris points to Super Duper Ultra Powerful Kinda Kinky Real Estate Agent Man.) Super Duper Ultra Powerful Kinda Kinky Real Estate Agent Man: 5,000,000,000,000 gil. Cloud: Thanks Super Duper Ultra Powerful Kinda Kinky Real Estate Agent Man. Aeris: Shall we go inside? Cloud: I dunno, shall we? *SMACK!* Cloud: Ow, HEY! Okay, okay. We'll go inside, JEEZ! (Cloud and Aeris enter the house and see a woman cooking inside.) Woman: Aerith!!! Cloud: Aerith!? Aeris: MOTHER!! Aye... Cloud: Aerith? Aerith: Yeah, it's my name. I never liked it... Mom: Where have you been, and who is this? Aerith: I was selling flowers. Mom: I told you to tell me if you were leaving. Aerith: I'm not your baby anymore. Mom: Yes you are. Aerith: I'M TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD!! Mom: So? Aerith: Arg... Mom: ... Aerith: Coffee? Mom: Okay. (Aerith, her mother, and Cloud enjoy a cup-o-Joe as they discuss advanced machinery production with the use of butter and toothpicks. They then talk a bit about Aerith and her life, much to Aerith's disgust.) Mom: ...And then one day I met her, by a train. She was huddled over a dead body. I pitied her, and brought her in.) Aerith: She made me sleep with the dog... Mom: It was a good dog, and it loved you very much. Aerith: It used to eat my hair... Mom: SHADDAP! *SMACK!* Aerith: Ah...Jeez... Mom: Anyway, I had her for almost her entire life. She loved talking about forests and flowers, which I hate, but she loved it, so I let her talk about it, even though I hated it, but she loved it, and I let her talk about it, because I hated it, and she loved it, so I let her talk about it, and-- *SMACK!* Mom: Ow! Thanks Aerith. I needed that. Now, her entire life she loved flowers, and she has a knack for growing them. Nobody else in Midgar can grow flowers like my little Aerith here. Aerith: Aw... Mom... Mom: Well, it's true. I love your flowers, though I hate flowers. Anyway, why don't you take your friend, Cloud is it? Cloud: Aye. Mom: Yes, take Cloud here to the guest room so he can get some rest. Aerith: We're heading to Sector 7. Mom: Then do it tomorrow. Aerith: Okay, I'll go get the room ready. (Aerith goes upstairs while Cloud stays behind with her mother.) Mom: Cloud...? Cloud: Aye? Mom: Tomorrow, when you leave, go early. I don't want Aerith to get into any more trouble than she's already in. Cloud: The Turks? Mom: Yes, them. So can you go early tomorrow morning? Cloud: Sure. I don't want to have any more trouble than I already know I'm going to have. Mom: Thanks. Oh, did you buy a flower from Aerith? Cloud: ...Yeah. Mom: Then stay in your room tonight, AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP WITH HER!! Cloud: ..damn.. (Cloud heads upstairs where Aerith shows him the room. He quickly gets into bed and nods off to sleep.) (Voices echo in his dream...) Voice1: They been treating you properly? Voice2: Yeah. Voice1: Gettin enough sleep? Voice2: I guess so. (An image of Cloud and a woman flows throughout Cloud's mind.) Cloud: I don't know... Woman: You seem skinny... Are you sure you're getting enough food? Cloud: Yeah, Shinra gives me everything I need. Woman: I still think you need a proper wife. Someone to take care of you. You're probably a hoot with the girls, I bet they can't keep their hands off you. Cloud: I guess so... Woman: Someone... older... someone experienced. That's what you need. (Cloud wakes up, trying to remember when that event happened.) Cloud: Guess I must have nodded off... (Cloud gets up, quietly walks downstairs, and leaves the house. The sector outside is still wide awake during the night. All the NPC's are still walking around like dumbasses as he leaves on the west side, and heads north towards Sector 7. At the gate to the path to Sector 7 stands Aerith.) Aerith: You're up early. Cloud: I could say the same 'bout you. Aerith: BAH! Shall we? Cloud: I dunno, shall we? *SMACK!* Cloud: OW!! Okay, we shall... (Cloud and Aerith head to the path that leads to Sector 7. It is a torn up street with litter dotting every corner. An earthquake twenty years earlier left the path in different levels, like a mountain. Cloud and Aerith have to walk up and down a lot before they get to the Sector 7 gate in front of an old playground.) Aerith: IT'S STILL HERE! Cloud: What's still here? Aerith: Come on Cloud! (Aerith runs to a slide shaped like a cat's head and climbs to the top. She sits down and motions for Cloud to join her. Cloud jumps up and sits next to her.) Aerith: So we're here. Cloud: Yep. Aerith: You gonna take me back? Cloud: What would be the point of that? I finally get you alone with me, only to take you back to your MOTHER!?! A man would have to be insane to do that. Aerith: But I thought you were insane...? Cloud: Nah... I don't become insane till later. Aerith: Oh... well, thank you for letting me stay. Cloud: No problem. Aerith: But don't think this means I'm gonna sleep with you now.. Cloud: ..damn.. (Suddenly, the giant cement gate to Sector 7 opens. A cart driven by two chocobos comes out and heads towards the Wall Market. On the back of the cart is Tifa, dressed like she's about to go on a hot date.) Cloud: What the? TIFA!! (The cart heads off to the east to the Wall Market.) Cloud: Guess we have to follow them now. Aerith: Why? Cloud: It's in our contracts. Aerith: Oh. (Cloud and Aerith jump off the slide and head after the cart. They soon find themselves in a booming city. NPC's walk all over the place as bright lights shine and business takes place everywhere.) Cloud: OHHHHH!!!! NPC'S!!!!!!!! Aerith: I think he's in love... Cloud: Can we talk to one? Canwecanwecanwe? Aerith: Oh alright, but hurry up. There's an inn over there, and I want to rest up a bit. It's still night you know. Cloud: YAY! (Cloud walks up to the first NPC he sees and starts to talk to him.) Cloud: Hiya. Person: 'ello. Cloud: Whatcha doin? Person: Standing here promoting this here inn. Wanna stay? Cloud: Are the beds clean? Person: I dunno. I just stand here. Cloud: SOLD! (Cloud goes in the inn and talks to the desk clerk.) Clerk: Ten gil. Cloud: WHAT!?! Clerk: In times like these, you gotta pay more to stay the night, plus, we're the only inn in town with clean beds so... Cloud: SOLD! (Cloud and Aerith spend the rest of the night at the inn. Feeling refreshed the next day, they head outside to see about Tifa.) Cloud: Wait a minute. I'm hungry. Aerith: Me too. (Okay. Cloud and Aerith head to a small restaurant BEFORE seeing about Tifa.) Cook: 'ello. Sit down at that seat over there and take yer order *hack* *cough* *ahem*. (Cloud and Aerith sit in two seats, and order large meals. When finished, they let out satisfying burps that impress the cook so much, he gives Cloud a coupon for one free item at the local pharmacy.) Cook: Come by again. Cloud: We will. *urp* (Cloud then goes to the pharmacy to cash in on his newfound profit. Inside, there is a person organizing some shelves not facing Cloud.) Cloud: Umm... Clerk: AHH!! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT! Oh! Customers! Cloud: I've got this ticket and... Clerk: Damn cook... I told him not to give these out any more. *sigh* What do you want? I've got disinfectant, deoderant, and Ex-Lax. Cloud: Ex-Lax please. Aerith: EX-LAX?!?! Cloud: You never know when it might strike... Clerk: Right you are. Here's your Ex-Lax. And could you please tell the cook to stop handing out those coupons to everybody who comes to his restaurant and burps? Cloud: Yeah, sure... *SMACK!* Clerk: DO IT! Cloud: ALRIGHT ALREADY! Jeez... (Cloud leaves the pharmacy and heads North to another section of the Market. There is a large pile of trash on the west side of the street, and a gym and weapon shop with the sign "GUN" hanging over it. Two NPC's stand beside the pile talking.) Person1: Will you look at this? Person2: What? *SMACK!* Person1: THIS PILE OF USELESS CRAP! Person2: Ohhhh... I thought you might have meant that rabbit flying across the horizion there... Or is that a coffee mug? Person1: The pile seems larger doesn't it? Person2: Probably because the owner of the weapon shop just came back from adding a lot more trash to it. Person1: You mean the guy with the tank in his shop? Person2: Know anybody else with a weapon shop around here? *SMACK!* Person1: Shaddap. (Cloud heads north still to a giant mansion overlooking the entire Market. Feeling a bit curious, he enters the mansion. Inside, everything is elaborate. There are carts of food and giant golden dog heads hanging on the walls, and a man behind a counter beside one of two sets of circular stairs covered with red carpet.) Cloud: Hiya. Person: Ohh... You got a pretty one there. Aerith: EXCUSE ME!? Person: Corneo'll like this one. Cloud: eh? Person: Every night, the owner of this house, Don Corneo, selects one of three women to be with him for the night until he finds one that will be his bride. He's been doin it for years. Cloud: Lucky... Can we see this Corneo? Person: YOU can't, SHE can. He only meets the girls. There's already one that's scheduled to meet him, and if she decides to go, then there will only be room for one more. Aerith: Hmm... (Aerith takes Cloud back a bit to talk to him privately.) Cloud: Okay, you go in alone and-- Aerith: I've got a better idea... (whisper)...(whisper)... And then you... (whisper)...(whisper)... Cloud: WHAT?!? (Aerith walks over to the person.) Aerith: I may know somebody who's interrested. Mind if I come back a bit later with her? Person: Sure, go ahead. If she's anything like you, tonight'll be a knockout. (Aerith drags a confused Cloud out of the mansion and talks to him on the front street.) Cloud: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SHOULD DRESS LIKE A GIRL!!! Aerith: It's the only way you'll be able to get in there, and besides, I've been kinda wanting to see you in a dress... Cloud: WHAT!!? Aerith: Just do it. It's not like this'll be publisized all over the world and mocked by people who turn it into a story. Cloud: I guess you're right, but where will I find a dress? Aerith: I saw a dress shop beshide the inn. Cloud: Oh... (Cloud heads to the dress shop. Inside, it's surprisingly empty, and looks like no business is going on at all. A woman stands behind the desk, sleeping.) Cloud: Umm... Hello? Woman: Wha...OH! You here to buy something? Aerith: Yes. Do you have anything? Woman: Well, yeah, but it all sucks. My father designs clothes, but lately he's been bored doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and ov-- *SMACK!* Aerith: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! Woman: Thanks. Anyway, you'll find him drinking in the bar. He's the first drunk on the right. If you can find something origional for him to make, try and get him over here. He still does have a job you know. Aerith: Okay. (Cloud heads over to the bar located conviently close to Corneo's mansion. It is fairly dark, and few people are actually inside.) Cloud: The first drunk on the left... Aerith: ... *SMACK!* Cloud: Okay, the first drunk on the right... Lets see... That would be... HIM! (Cloud points to a man sitting drunkedly on a stool.) Man: AH!! D0N'T D0 SH4T... Y0U'RE G0NN4 SH4R3 M3 4ND... *SPLAT!* Aerith: Pick him up... (Cloud picks up the man and sets him on a table where he sways back and forth like a flag on a windy day.) Man: N0w th3n... 4sh 3y3 w4sh s4y1ng... Cloud: We need you to... That is I... What I mean is... Man: 0ut w1f 1t shunny... 3y3 y4m uhh b1shy m4n. Aerith: Cloud, let me talk to him alone. Cloud: Fine with me. I'll go sit over there and have a cracker. (Cloud goes over to a different table and starts eating saltine crackers.) Aerith: Listen old man. My friend over there, he wants you to make him a dress. Man: Y0u shur3? H3 1sh k1nd4 p3rty but 3y3 d0n't th1nk 3y3 c4n c4ptur3 h1sh b34uty... Aerith: If you do, then I'll... I'll...hmm... Man: W1ll j00 sh33p w1f m3? Aerith: ...no. Man: pl34sh? Aerith: Okay. Man: S0LD! W4t k1nd4 dr3sh d0sh h3 w4nt? Aerith: Something... Soft. Something... That shimmers.. Man: 0k33... 3y3sh g0nn4 g0 'nd w0rk n0w. (The man goes to work on Cloud's dress as Aerith joins Cloud.) Cloud: What did you say to him? Aerith: I gave him a saltine cracker. Cloud: And that worked? Aerith: He's making your dress, isn't he? Cloud: Good point. (Cloud heads over to a man dancing by the bathroom.) Cloud: Breakdancing? Man: I I I I I haftagonowifIdon'tthenI'llgorighthereandIdon'twannadothatwithNEWPANTSON! Cloud: Oh. (Cloud opens the bathroom door and finds a person having a bit of trouble.) Person: If it's any constipation, I'm kinda stuck right now. Cloud: Need some Ex-Lax? Person: Couldn't hurt. (Cloud gives the person some Ex-Lax. A minute later, she comes out of the bathroom smiling.) Person: Thankee, here, take this. (The person hands Cloud some perfume.) Cloud: mMMmmMMmMMmMMmmMmm... Smells sexy. Aerith: Shall we go see how the dress is doing? Cloud: Can he work that fast? Aerith: Why not? Cloud: Okay. (Cloud and Aerith head to the dressmaker's shop. Inside, much to Cloud's liking, he has finished the dress, and gives it to Cloud to try on.) Cloud: I don't... Really know... That is... I... Aerith: Jus' shuddap and get in the dressing room. Cloud: ..okay.. (Cloud goes into the dressing room and puts on the dress.) Cloud: Umm... I'm having a bit of zipper trouble... Aerith: ..men.. (Aerith opens the curtain of the dressing room.) Cloud: The HELL do you think you're doin?! Aerith: SHADDAP! I'm here to help. Cloud: You jus' wanna see me naked. *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! (Aerith zips up the dress as Cloud gets an embarrassed look on his face.) Cloud: Are you sure it's my color? Aerith: It's the same color as your normal clothes. Cloud: But... It's so... bright... And reflective... Aerith: You no likes? Cloud: No, I love it. It's just too overstated for me. Aerith: Aw... Shuddap. Cloud: Okay. Aerith: But you still don't look like a girl. Cloud: ..damn.. Aerith: You need a wig... And some proper clothes... Cloud: The dress isn't enough? Aerith: Hell no! From what that guy at Corneo's said, you're gonna need a lot more than a dress to impress Corneo himself, and if you do impress him, you may still have to impress him even more if you know what I mean... Cloud: Huh? Aerith: You may have to... *ahem* you know... Cloud: No... I don't. *SMACK!* Aerith: Well if you DON'T know, that'll only be your problem later on. (Cloud takes off the dress and heads outside.) Aerith: We gotta find a wig. Cloud: I wanna work out a bit first. Aerith: Why? Cloud: That little bit in there made me loose some of my manhood. Aerith: You mean you had manhood to begin with? Cloud: I guess so. I'm going to the gym. (Cloud goes to the gym beside the weapon shop. Inside is a packed place with a boxing ring, three punching bags, a scale, and five people. Cloud walks up to a man doing squats beside the ring.) Man: Talk to him over there. (The man points to a small guy looking at himself in the mirror.) Guy: You the guy that wants to be a girl? Cloud: Huh? Aerith: Yeah, that's him. Guy: I've got a wig if you want it. Cloud: ... Aerith: And you'll give it to us? Guy: Nah... First you gotta beat that man over there at squats. (The guy points to the man beside the ring.) Cloud: Okay. (A giant contest begins between Cloud and the man. They spend several minutes pumping themselves up for the coming war before finally deciding on the time limit.) Guy: Thirty seconds it is... Cloud: Right. Man: Fine with me. Guy: ON YOUR MARKS! GET SEEEEEEEEEEET! and go. (The great war begins. After five seconds, both are going strong, but the Man starts to slow after the fifteen second mark. Cloud keeps coming with a relentless onslaught of squats that utterly defeats the man at the thirty second ending.) Guy: Man: 14 squats. Cloud: 20 squats. Good job, you get this wig. (The guy hands Cloud a Blonde Wig.) Man: BUT BIG BROTHER! YOU SAID I GET THAT WIG!!! Guy: SHADDAP! *SMACK!* (The man goes headfirst into one of the punching bags across the room.) Man: AH!! I'M BLEEDING! I'M DYING!!! Guy: Shaddap. I didn't hit you THAT hard. (Cloud leaves the gym to let the brothers argue it out while he still has the loot.) Cloud: Okay, can we just do this now? Aerith: Well, yeah, but you still don't look completely like a girl. Cloud: Whadda mean? I got the dress. I got the wig. I even got the perfume. Aerith: You need the undergarments. Cloud: THE HELL!!? *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! There is NO way I'm wearing women's underwear. I will NOT do that type of thing in public! Aerith: You won't be in public. You'll be in Corneo's house. Cloud: Good point. Okay okay, but where will we find them? Aerith: I saw a club on the side of the street. Maybe we can find some in there. (Cloud and Aerith head towards the east side of the Market. On their way there, they bump into a man who is distressed.) Cloud: Problem? Man: I just can't decide. Here, you take this. (The man hands Cloud a ticket that says "Honey Bee Club Admit One.") Cloud: Hmm... Okay. (Cloud heads to the club. Outside, there are men begging to go inside while two bouncers hold them back with a mighty force.) Cloud: Heya, I've got a ticket. Bouncer1: Okay, go in. But, uh, cutie there has to stay outside. Cloud: Will you be alright here? Aerith: BAH! I'll be fine. Go, get yer underwear. Cloud: ... (Cloud goes into the club. A girl quickly comes up to him.) Girl: Ug... Another one. Come on, what room do you want? Cloud: I dunno. Can I check them out first? Girl: Fine. Hurry up...(pervert)... (Cloud goes and looks in the keyholes of two rooms. He first looks in a room marked "Group Room." Inside is a group of men walking around.) Cloud: As tempting as that sounds... no. (Cloud then looks in a keyhole of a room marked "&$#% Room." He can't see anybody inside.) Cloud: Well... since it's empty. Miss, I choose this room. Girl: Ungh... Okay... (The girl unlocks the door and cloud steps indside. The room inside is dark, not too dark, but a subtle dark. Cloud looks around, and is surprised to see an image of himself lying beside a table. Cloud walks up to the image.) Cloud: The hell you doin? Image: In time... Will... (The image stands up as Cloud is forced to his knees by an unknown force. Slowly the image becomes a part of Cloud as he falls unconscience.) (Voices echo in Cloud's head.) Voice1: You think he's ready...? Voice2: Nah... *SMACK!* Voice3: WAKE UP! *SMACK!* *SMACK!* *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! OKAY! I'M AWAKE! (Cloud throws the man on top of him over and stands up from the bed he was lying on.) Man: Well, finally. I've done my work. I'm off...cya's... (The man walks off as a woman from the club stands behind.) Woman: I'm terribly sorry. Here, take this. (The woman hands Cloud some lingrie.) Cloud: ...Wow, thanks. (The woman rushes off to work as Cloud slowly walks out of the room. He then goes to a room on the far north side of the club. Inside there are three women getting ready for work.) Woman1: Oh boy, here's another one... Woman2: Aw, don't be so mean to him. Woman3: Wha? (Cloud leaves the room and heads outside. When there, he notices that all the men are huddled around Aerith.) Cloud: Whatcha do? Aerith: Nothin. I just decided to sell some flowers. Gotta fill the quota you know. Cloud: ?? Okay, whatever. Anyway, I got the *ahem* you know. Can we get ready now? Aerith: No, you need a crown. Cloud: !! Aerith: Why not? A princess always needs a crown. Cloud: A princess, eh... er... Wait... NO! Aerith: Aw... Come on. Cloud: ...Okay. I wanna head north a bit first. I saw a guy cookin chilli up there. Aerith: ... Cloud: What? I love chilli. Aerith: Alright... (Cloud heads to the old man making chilli.) Man: It won't be done for a bit. Why doncha see my friend in there though? He's feelin kinda down, and iffin you make him feel better, I'll make yer chilli special. Cloud: Kay. (Cloud heads inside the shop. There is a man sleeping on a cot there that doesn't even notice when Cloud enters the room.) Cloud: *ahem* Shopkeep: hmm? Oh... I don't have anything to sell. Cloud: Why? Shopkeep: You really wanna know? Cloud: I don't have anything better to do. Shopkeep: Well... umm, miss? Could you go over there for a bit? Aerith: Why? Shopkeep: I don't want you to hear what I'm going to say to him. Aerith: ... (Aerith goes to a corner of the shop out of ear's reach.) Shopkeep: Anyway, the inn on the other side of the town. They have a vending machine there that is selling some interesting items I hear. If that's true, then I'm loosing a lot of good business. Cloud: Then why don't you go over there and see exactly what they're selling in there? Shopkeep: I hit on the inn's owner and they kicked me out. Cloud: Oh. Shopkeep: Could you go there and see buy what they're selling? Cloud: Well, it is morning, and I'm all rested up... Shopkeep: I'll make it worth your while... Cloud: ...Okay. Shopkeep: Good. See ya tomorrow then. Aerith: You finished? (Aerith joins Cloud as Cloud heads towards the inn) Clerk: Back so soon? Cloud: I uh... Got tired. Clerk: Okay, same price. (Cloud pays the ten gil and goes to his room. That night, he goes to the vending machine.) Cloud: Hmm... 200 gil... It's a bit steep, but I'll do it. (Cloud puts in 200 gil and out pops a wrapped item. He then goes to his room and gets some sleep. The next morning, he heads off to the materia shop.) Shopkeep: ... Aerith: I know... I know... (Aerith goes to the corner again.) Shopkeep: So... Did you get it? Cloud: Aye. (Cloud hands the shopkeep the wrapped item. He opens it.) Shopkeep: So... They're selling miracle potions. WELL I'll fix THAT! Thanks for doing that for me. Here, have this. (The shopkeep hands Cloud a diamond tiarra.) Cloud: Thankee. Shopkeep: No problem. Come back later if you are interested in materia. I'm gonna put that backstabbing innkeeper outta business! (Cloud leaves the shop.) Cloud: So.. NOW can we get this over with? Aerith: If I didn't know better, I'd think you WANT to wear that dress again. Cloud: Well... It was kinda comfortable... (Cloud goes to the dress shop and puts on the dress, wig, lingerie, perfume, and tiarra.) Cloud: I feel so weird... Aerith: Ah shaddap. Now, I'll take... Man: Y0u'd l00k g00d 1n th1sh 0n3. Woman: Take this one. Aerith: THAT ONE! (Aerith takes a red dress and heads to the dressing room.) Aerith: NO PEEKING! Cloud: ..damn.. (Aerith comes out a few minutes later, fully dressed.) Aerith: How do I look? Cloud: I want you. *SMACK!* Cloud: Ow. Aerith: Well, you could use some makeup. Cloud: Wassat? Aerith: It's true, you need some makeup. Cloud: And where will I find some of THAT? Aerith: The Honey Bee Club. (Cloud goes to the Honey Bee Club and into the dressing room.) Woman1: Oh, it's you again... In a dress... Woman2: Leave him alone. Woman3: Come here sweety. You need this. (The woman gives Cloud a hefty dose of makeup on his face. He thanks her and heads outside.) Aerith: Cloud, wait around for a few minutes. I've... got something I have to do to repay the dress maker... Cloud: Whadda mean? I thought you were going to give him a saltine cracker. Aerith: Oh he'll get his cracker... Cloud: Okay... But thinking about that made me hungry. Now I want a cracker. Aerith: Oh in time you'll get YOUR cracker too... (Aerith leaves Cloud to talk to some NPC's while she does what she has to do. Half an hour later she returns, smiling.) Cloud: Good cracker? Aerith: VERY GOOD cracker Cloud: Now I want a cracker even more... Aerith: In time sweety... in time... (The two head towards Corneo's mansion.) Person: Woah! You were right. She's beautiful! Cloud: ... Person: Please wait for a few minutes while Corneo prepares. Feel free to walk around the dung...er basement. Aerith: Kay. (Cloud and Aerith walk down a large set of stairs to the basement. Various torture and S&M equipment is scattered around the torchlit room. In a corner of the room stands Tifa, wearing a tight blue dress.) Cloud: TIFA! (Tifa turns around.) Tifa: Hmm... Do I... know you? Cloud: ... Aerith: You're Tifa, right? Tifa: Last time I checked... Aerith: I'm Aerith. I came here with Cloud to rescue you. Tifa: Rescue me? Where's Cloud? Aerith: He's right here. Tifa: Hmm...? (Cloud faces Tifa.) Tifa: !! Cloud: Hiya Tifa... Tifa: (holding back laughter) You look good Cloud. Cloud: Really? Tifa: Sure. If I was a guy, I'd want to date you. *chuckle* Cloud: Well, I DID think that it brought out my eyes and--hey! Wait a minute! Aerith: Anyway, we've come to rescue you. Tifa: I don't need to be rescued. I'm here to talk to Corneo. Cloud: Why? Tifa: Shortly after the reactor exploded, Barret found out that Corneo was a ringleader to many of Shinra's activities. He went to find clues while I tried to get information from the inside, and that's what I'm doing here. Aerith: I see. Then we'll join you. Tifa: Why? Aerith: That way we'll get the information out of him no matter who he chooses to be his woman for tonight. Tifa: I see... But what about Cloud. Aerith: He's our third woman. Cloud: ... (Tifa and Aerith break into uncontrolable laughter that is only stopped by shouting coming from the top of the wide staircase back to the first level of the building.) Person: HEY YOU THREE! GET YOUR PRETTY ASSES UP HERE! Cloud: That's our cue... (The three walk upstairs, and through a large pair of double doors to Corneo's main room. Two thugs stand beside the large chair holding the large man with a large blonde mohawk.) Corneo: WOAH! What a selection! Cloud: Ugh... Corneo: Didja say somethin? Cloud: ... (Corneo stands up and paces back and forth in front of the three who are standing in a line beside each other.) Corneo: Now lets see... Which one... Hmm... (Corneo stands in front of Cloud. He gazes into Cloud's eyes. Cloud turns his head. Corneo cocks his head to find his face. Cloud looks the other way. Corneo faces him again.) Corneo: I choose... (Corneo points at Cloud.) Corneo: THIS one. Cloud: What? Tifa: WHAT?! Aerith: ... Corneo: You two can go with my goons over here. You, come with me. (The goons take Aerith and Tifa away while Corneo leads Cloud to a small room behind the office. A large bed takes up the majority of the space. Corneo quickly struts to the bed while Cloud stands in the doorway.) Corneo: Come over here lovey bunny. Cloud: I dun wanna. Corneo: Aw... Come on. Cloud: No. Corneo: I'll give you some candy... Cloud: Kay. (Cloud walks over to Corneo. Corneo puts his hand on Cloud's face.) Corneo: Gimmie a kiss. Cloud: ... Corneo: Candy... (Cloud leans forward, puckering up his lips. Just as he's about to plant them on Corneo's face, Tifa busts through the door with Aerith close behind.) Tifa: Alright you sick demented pervert! You tell us where--Cloud?! What the hell are you doing?! Cloud: Nothing... Tifa: ... (Cloud stands up and walks to Tifa. He takes off the wig.) Corneo: ! (Cloud takes off the dress.) Corneo: !!! Cloud: Now. Tell us what you know about Shinra. Corneo: ... Cloud: ... (Cloud takes off the lingerie.) Cloud: Tell us. Corneo: No. Cloud: Tell us... (Cloud puts a foot on the bed.) Cloud: ...Or I'll slice your n00tz off. Corneo: !! Okay okay... I'll tell you. I told my assistants to find out what they could about a man with a gun for an arm. But that's what I was ordered to do! Cloud: By who? Corneo: Shinra. I maintain their illegal activities. Tifa: Isn't everything they do illegal? Corneo: Yes, that's why business has been so good lately. Cloud: So who ordered you to find out this stuff? Corneo: I can't tell you. Aerith: Tell us... (Aerith puts a foot on the bed.) Aerith: Or I'll rip your n00tz off. Corneo: Waaaaaaaaaaah--! It was Heidegger of Shinra! Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance! Aerith: So why do they need you? Corneo: They need me to cover it up. They have their fun, and I have my fun. We both benefit, but I benefit a bit more. Cloud: Howso? Corneo: I get the weekly ladies. Cloud: Oh. Corneo: Shinra's working on this big project to extract much more Mako Energy (TM) from the planet, and eventually take over the world. Aerith: Why? Corneo: ... Tifa: Tell us... (Tifa puts a foot on the bed.) Tifa: Or I'll smash your n00tz. Corneo: !!! Cloud: Tell us. Corneo: Who DOESN'T want that much power, huh? If you had the chance to have that much power, would you take it? Cloud: He's got a point there... Corneo: B-but first they have to deal with that rebel group, you know, AVALANCHE? They said they would crush them, literally. Aerith: How? Corneo: Th-they're going to smash the support beam to the upper sector above Sector 7(tm)(r)(sm)(c) and when it goes, Sector 7(tm)(r)(sm)(c) gets smashed! Tifa: That's terrible! Aerith: That's horrible! Cloud: Who cares? *SMACK!* Cloud: Ow! Corneo: Umm... You guys aren't going to... kill me... Are you...? Cloud: Hmm... Should we? Tifa: ...No. Let him off with a warning. Corneo: Oh thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Cloud: Shaddap already. Corneo: Kay. But one thing before you guys leave. You see a guy like me, with nothing else to give, and nowhere to go, and what would you expect from him? Tifa: Money? Cloud: Free sex? Aerith: The last laugh? Corneo: DING DING DING! The lady in red wins the prize! (Corneo puts his hand on a lever, cleverly disguised as a lever, and pulls back on it. A trapdoor opens under Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith.) Corneo: BWAHAHAHAHA! Now you can have some fun with my little pet! (The three wake up in a sewer.) Cloud: Oh my dre--oh. I don't have it anymore. Tifa: Quit bitchin about your dress and get over here! (Cloud runs over to Tifa.) Cloud: What? Tifa: Nothing. Cloud: ... *SMACK!* Cloud: OW! What was that for? Tifa: Delayed reaction towards Corneo. Cloud: Oh. (The three get up, brush themselves off, and stand around like retards for a bit until they all hear a giant rumble in the distance.) Aerith: What was tha---aaT!! (A giant monster attacks the group, but is no match for Tifa's boobs as they unleash their power in several quick moves.) Cloud: That was some nice shootin. Tifa: Shaddap. (The group heads North out of the sewer, coming to the deserted train yard.) Cloud: Woah... Tifa: Yep. Trains. (They slowly make their way through the yard, past the station, and come to the field with the tower surrounded by a fence where several people are standing looking up.) Cloud: Hmm... Something's going on. Aerith: What was your first guess? Cloud: That. (Cloud points to a sign on the fence that says "Something's going on here.") Tifa: Hmm... (They look up and see the members of AVALANCHE fighting several members of Shinra as they make their way towards the top of the tower. Suddenly, the man that looks like Mario falls down, hitting the ground with a giant linguini thud.) MarioMan: uNF! Aerith: !! I'll help this guy. You two go up there and help them! Cloud: Why? Aerith: It's in your contracts. Now go! Tifa: Okay, but there's a girl in my bar, called 7th Heaven. Aerith: The girl's named 7th Heaven? Tifa: No, the bar. The girl's name is Marleene. Aerith: Okay. Now go! Cloud: Fine then! (Cloud and Tifa quickly run up the tower to help Barret and the others. About halfway up, they find the other guy leaning over a rail.) OtherGuy: After Tifa...left... They're trying to destroy the tower...ung... Cloud: What a waste... Tifa: So you DO have some mercy in there. Cloud: huh? I was talking 'bout his pants. They're bloodstained. Tifa: ... (Cloud and Tifa continue their climbing. When they're almost at the top, they find Jessie sitting against the side of the staircase, bleeding.) Jessie: Barret's up there. Help him! Tifa: Hold in there, we'll get help when we're done. Jessie: There's no time! They're going to destroy the entire sector! Tifa: ... Jessie: Cloud... Cloud: What? Jessie: Come here... Cloud: Why? Jessie: JUST GET YER SCRAWNY ASS OVER HERE AND FIND OUT! *hack**cough**wheeze* Cloud: But you look sick. (Jessie pulls out a gun.) Cloud: ALRIGHT! I'M COMING! (Cloud kneels beside Jessie) Jessie: I-I'm sorry I... I'm not going to be able to sleep with...you...ung... (Cloud looks blankely at Jessie for a moment. His eyes burn with tears of intensity as he slowly rises to a stand.) Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *breath*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!*cough*OOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHINRA! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS WITH YOUR METALLIC COMPANY SOUL! (Cloud sprints up the rest of the stairs with Tifa desperately trying to keep up. They find Barret firing hundreds of bullets at a helicopter flying around, trying to find a place to land.) Barret: 'Bout time you got yer scrawny asses up here! Help me out, they tryin to blow up the support beam 'n burry da sector! (Barret continues to fire bullets at the chopper, but Reno jumps out of an open side of the helicopter anyway.) Reno: If you'll excuse me... (Reno steps over to a control pannel situated on the side of the support beam's top. He pushes a few buttons and steps away, smiling.) Reno: There. You now have three minutes to try and disarm this bomb. Otherwise... heheheh... Barret: YOU NAD! (Tifa rushes over to the pannel, and punches a bunch-o buttons, but to no avail.) Tifa: Cloud! Get over here and fix this? Cloud: You want me to push a button? Tifa: YES! (Cloud goes over to the pannel, and punches the keypad. Nothing happens.) Barret: WHAT'S THE CODE YOU SUIT WEARING CORNDOG EATING SMOOTH TALKING SHINRA ASS! (Barret eyes Reno, holding his gun arm towards Reno's body. Reno looks at Barret with a small smile on his face.) Reno: Heh. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with your own bigass feet. Barret: Didjoo jus' dis my FEET!? Reno: If you would like it that way, then yes. If not, then no. Cloud: You'll pay for Jessie! Reno: heh... (Reno pulls out a stick and starts to whack Cloud with it. Eventually, Cloud becomes paralized by the power of the almighty stick. He then moves on to Barret, whom he eventually confuses. But to Cloud's luck, Barret shoots Cloud, knocking some senses back into him. While Reno is confused, Tifa takes a chance, and kicks him where it really counts.) Reno: OW! HEY! Tifa: heh (Reno runs towards the staircase, and jumps on the awaiting helicopter at the edge. Barret holds his gun arm towards Reno, ready to shoot to kill.) Tseng: I wouldn't do that if I were you! (Tseng steps into the opening of the helicopter holding Aerith in one of his arms.) Aerith: Let go of me you bad smelling long haired corndog eating three fourths of a Thanksgiving dinner main course named lackey! (Barret lowers his gun arm as Aerith looks towards Tifa.) Tseng: This little girl is going to guide us to the Promissed Land! Cloud: Vegas? Aerith: Don't worry. She's safe... (The helicopter flies away, leaving Cloud, Tifa, and Barret desperately struggling to figure out how to stop the bomb.) Tifa: It's no use! The thing won't stop! Barret: DAMN! What we goin to do NOW?! Cloud: We have to leave. Here... (Cloud grabs a wire suspending over the $#$*^$ pizza.) Cloud: We can swing using this. (Barret grabs onto the wire. Tifa climbs in front of Barret. Cloud gets on Barret's shoulders.) Tifa: Don't get any ideas mister. (Barret jumps off the edge of the railing around the beam just as the bomb goes off. He swings faster than the explosion that engulfs the area faster than one can blink. The beam shatters from the explosion. The top layer of Midgar comes crashing down quickly on the unsuspecting citizens of the Sector 7 slums. All that is left of the slums in the end is a pile of rubble and dust.) (On the other side of the large gate leading to the now destroyed slums stands Barret, firing umpteen bullets into the large blocks of cement.) Barret: Biggs...Wedge...Jessie...They're gone. THEY WERE ALL GOING TO SLEEP WITH ME YOU SHINRA BASTARDS! (Tifa stands with Cloud at the slide where Aerith and he were at earlier.) Tifa: You better go and try to calm him down. Cloud: Why me?!? Tifa: He hates you more. If he decides to go insane and start going after his allies, he's gonna go after the first one he sees. Cloud: Oh. Okay then. You go. Tifa: I can't. Cloud: WHY THE HELL NOT!?! Barret: HEY! SHADDAP AND LET ME COMPLAIN OVER HERE! Tifa: ...It's not in my contract. Cloud: SO?! Barret: I MEAN IT! SHADDAP!!! Tifa: ...I'll sleep with you if you do. Cloud: R-Really??? Tifa: No. Cloud: ..damn.. (Cloud walks over and stands beside Barret, ready to run at the first sign of insanity.) Cloud: Come on. We have to go. Barret: I dun wanna. Cloud: We're going to go to the Shinra HQ, and kill the President. Barret: You mean it? Cloud: I've got nothing better to do. So why not? Barret: Alright. I'll go too. Butchu better not be gettin' in my way, you hear?! Cloud: ...yeahyeah. Barret: I MEAN IT! Cloud: Whatever... *SMACK!* Cloud: ...ow. (The group walks to the Wall Market, where they find the whole place filled with people talking about what just happened.) Cloud: Wow. The whole place is filled with people talking about what just happened. Barret: ...*cough*...(dumbass)...*cough*... Cloud: There's something I have to know before I go on. Barret: What, where yo' brain went? Cloud: No, I have to know about...the Ancients. Tifa: The what? Cloud: ...the Ancients. Tifa: What are the ancients? Cloud: Not the ancients...the Ancients. (Cloud walks to Aerith's house and steps inside.) Mom: Who are you? What have you done with my daughter? Cloud: I'm Cloud. Remember, I was just here the other day. Mom: I know that you dimwit, what did you do with my little girl? Cloud: I was hoping you could answer that for me. Mom: Oh all right...if nobody ELSE can advance the plot, I'll tell you about how I met the dead woman and stole her daughter. Cloud: Huh? Mom: Just shut up and listen. (The scene changes like most scenes do for a flashback, very annoyingly and slowly.) Mom: Aerith is not my daughter. She is the last of a race of people...the Ancients. Cloud: Toldja. Mom: Shut it. I was waiting for my husband to come back from the war in Wutai when I saw a girl crying over a dead woman who must have been her mother. Feeling no pity for the woman, I stole her daughter and raised her as my own. Later on, Aerith said that her mother returned to the planet. Barret: Wait. Hold it. Returned to the planet? Mom: Yeah, but she always said that when she was stoned, so I never knew whether to take it seriously or not. Tifa: Ah... Mom: Well that's it...some years later a man named Tseng came and said he wanted Aerith to do some experiments on her. I asked him if there was any money involved, but he said no. So I slammed the door in his face. He and his friends come by every now and then so they can make the same offer. But they never have any money, so the answer's always the same. Cloud: It's amazing she was able to avoid the Shinra for so long... Mom: Not really...she's a hell of a kicker. And she's got that stick thing with her all the time...uses it to hit stuff for things. Cloud: Yeah...I know. Mom: She came by earlier with some girl. I told her I wasn't running no damn hotel, but she insisted on putting the girl in her room upstairs. Is the girl yours? Barret: She's mine. Mom: How can she be yours? She's white. Barret: Shut it before I shut it for you. Mom: Yeah, whatever. If she's yours, why don't you go see her? Because of her, the Shinra were able to take Aerith. They said they were going to hurt the girl if Aerith didn't go with her. What could I do? Neither of them is my daughter. Tifa: You have no soul. Mom: I try. (The group heads upstairs to Aerith's room, finding Marlene jumping on her bed, drawing graffiti on the walls.) Marlene: Guess what daddy guess what! The woman brought me here and asked allllllllllll kinds of questions about the Cloud person. I think she likes him. (Cloud expands his chest in much the way paper can't.) Barret: Nah, she's probably just looking for a weakness. Cloud: Well, I'm going after them. I can't miss this chance to get laid. (After setting up a day care plan with Aerith's mother, the group heads outside. They walk around for a bit, not seeing anything interesting, until they meet up with a group of kids in front of Corneo's mansion, who run towards the east.) Cloud: Let's follow 'em. Tifa: Why? Cloud: It's in our contracts. Barret: Wait. Cloud: Why? Barret: We haveta go to the weapon shop. Cloud: Why? Barret: Cause we haveta see if he's got any weapons. Cloud: OF COURSE HE HAS WEAPONS! *SMACK!* Cloud: Ow. (The group goes to the weapon shop.) Man: SO! YOU WANT TO GO TO THE UPPER LEVEL, EH!!! Cloud: Could you, umm...shut up? Man: NO!!! (The man hands Cloud some batteries.) Man: YOU'RE GONNA NEED THESE!!! Cloud: Why? Man: TRUST ME!!! YOU'LL NEED 'EM!!! (The group leaves the shop, and heads for where the kids left. There they find a giant wall with a rope leading up.) Tifa: So now where do we go? Barret: We go up. (Cloud gets a sad look on his face.) Tifa: Ahhh... What's the matter? Cloud: There won't be any elevator music... Barret: Then humm the damn songs 'nd get yer ass up here! (The group slowly makes its way up the rope to the top of the wall. Paint is sprayed all over the sides even at the highest points.) Cloud: How do they get the paint up so high on the wall? Tifa: They stand on each others' shoulders. Cloud: But why? Tifa: To see who can get the highest up and write the best thing on the wall. Cloud: What happens when they stand so high, that they're over the wall? Tifa: They fall off. Cloud: Oh. (When the group gets to the top, they find three kids cheering.) Kid 1: YEAH! Kid 2: GO! Kid 3: DO IT! Barret: The HELL you doin?! Kid 2: We're uh . . . Kid 1: Actually. Kid 3: We don't know what we're doing. Barret: Oh . . . Cloud: Carry on. (The group continues to climb until they get to a giant plug-in.) Tifa: Cloud . . . Cloud: What? Tifa: Plug it in, plug it in. *SMACK!* Tifa: YOU BASTARD! *SMACK!* *THUD!* Cloud: ow. (Cloud plugs in one of the batteries, and is amazed as a huge light show that doesn't exist happens all around him. He then realizes that he's standing very close to a crack pipe.) Cloud: What pretty colors . . . Barret: Psh. Can't handle his drugs. (They continue to climb, plugging in batteries at each plug-in they find until they get to a swinging wire.) Cloud: Think we can make it. Tifa: Sure. Cloud: Looks kinda dangerous. Barret: We're jumpin. Cloud: I don't think we can make it. Tifa: We can. Cloud: How do you know that? Tifa: It's in our contracts. Cloud: Oh. (Cloud jumps, barely making it while holding the set of valuable coffee mugs from great police organizations spanning the world, smiles, and jumps off the wire to a handing bus on the other side of the giant pile of crap.) Cloud: Well then. (They continue to climb, stopping only for a second so Cloud can tie his shoes, finally reaching their destination, the giant top of Midgar.) Cloud: Well . . . Tifa: Here we are. Barret: Lets go. Cloud: Right! (They run towards the giant Shinra building, stopping ten feet from the front doors.) Tifa: Wait. Barret: WHAT?!! Tifa: Do we really want to draw a lot of attention to ourselves? Barret: OF COURSE WE DO! Tifa: There's got to be a quieter way in. Barret: *grr* Tsk . . . Fine. Cloud, what do we do? Cloud: Well, we could bust in through the front doors, or search for a quiet way in. Which way will we go . . .? Barret: THA'S WHAT I'M ASKIN YOU!!! Cloud: hmm . . . (Suddenly, Super Duper Ultra Powerful Kinda Kinky Real Estate Agent Man appears.) Super Duper Ultra Powerful Kinda Kinky Real Estate Agent Man: Which way will YOU go? (pointing at reader) To go the quiet way, go to http://geechy.tripod.com/quiet.txt To go the LOUD way, go to http://geechyguy.tripod.com/loud.txt Make your choice. [Disclaimer type thingy so I don't get in trouble with the companies] Final Fantasy 7, and all names mentioned within are copyright 1997, 1998 Square Electronics L.L.C. Parody copyright 1999-2003 Geechyguy. Reproduce without my permission and I kill you, savvy?