For Immediate Release - Wife's Hate Captured on Film for First Time
The first photographic of a wife's hatred (source: U.S. Government)
(Washington DC) - The awesome, primordial power of a wife's hate for her husband has been captured on film for the first time, the Energy Department announced today. The exposure, produced by a complex arrangement of atom-splitters, mass spectrometers, and high-speed cameras located in Pasadena, CA and Bern, Switzerland, promises to usher in a new era of exploration into this mercurial, powerful, but heretofore unpredictable substance. Scientists across the world are elated, particularly scientists who are also hated husbands.
"To say I am astonished is an understatement," said Dr. Jonah Trepfrock, who was close to tears during the announcement. "This is the most amazing discovery since electricity."
The manifestations of Wifely Hatred have long been recognized - death-ray glances, verbal threats and insults, maxxed out credited cards, and temper tantrums. However, the actual mechanism by which such Husband Hatred manifests has until now been invisible. Captured for the first time on film, the Hate appears to be a glowing blue bullet propelled by a screw-like force. "Deadly, indeed," said Trepfrock.
The particular hatred-beam which was photographed belongs to Hilda Gruber, a 40-year-old German woman, who has hated her husband, Hans, for most of their 5-year marriage. Even though the hate is only five years in the making, it is still clearly visible on the exposure.
Normally conservative, emotionless researchers were seen laughing with relief, although some were also said to be crying in terror. "I knew that this was a force beyond all contemplation, but to actually see it. Oh, I am blown away," said Dr. Troy Whommer of Yale University.
"I am scared. I don't think we were meant to see this," said another Yale researcher, who asked not to be identified.
A spokesman for the International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands, a Washington DC lobby group, expressed shock at the discovery. "It is like looking at the Loch Ness monster," he said.
A puppet rendition of Hilda Gruber, a 40-year-old German woman, whose hate of her husband was the first ever photographed. She refused to be photographed for this story.
