My Acceptance Speech as Winner of the Most Hated Husband of 2002
sponsored by International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands
and American Organization for the Advancement of the Hated

 copyright 2002 by the Hated Husband. This speech may not be reproduced without the expressed written permission of the Hated Husband.

(applause)

Thank you. Thank you very much. No...No...Please....Thank you. Right on! Ok....Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, first I want to thank the International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands, the invaluable IBHH, for its tireless work on behalf of the Hated all over the world since 1977. You have done the world a great service, and I know every Hated Husband appreciates the advancements you have made on behalf of our cause. And, of course, the American Organization for the Advancement of the Hated, for your endless toil down in the streets, and in the homes, of America's Most Hated. And of course, I want to thank the Sheraton New Orleans, too, for such a splendid spread of food. You are marvelous.

(applause)

 But, as you might expect, most of my heartfelt gratitude goes to my wife, without whom this award would not be possible. My Dear Heart, wherever you are, you have made me the Most Hated Husband of 2002!

(laughter and prolonged applause)

My fellow Hated, for many, many years, we suffered in silence. We knew we were hated, our wives reminded of this daily, either through prolonged verbal exchanges, one-way monologues, or even the dreaded silent treatment. Oh boy, I wish my wife tried the Silent Treatment!

(laughter)

We would go to work, try to put on a happy face, and talk with sunshine in our voice about our happy lives, all the while hiding the Shame. The Shame of being Hated, each and every day. We could tell no one, we could only pretend, through denial, vigorous exercise, and, yes, a couple of strong drinks at the end of the day. And I am looking at you, Bob, the Most Hated Husband of 2001! You know what I mean about a couple of strong drinks!

Award Ceremony, 2002 Annual Convention of the International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands, New Orleans, LA

(laughter)

But, this is a different era. I submit to you that we are now in the Era of Recognition. It's first beginnings, I believe, were in the late 1970s, when Phil Donohue, who is a Loved Husband, damn him.....

(giggles...scattered booing)

....started his show, and began the Parade of the Weird - the lesbian nuns, the freaky teenagers, the legless marathon runners. People were shocked at first, but then, they gradually accepted. More of the Weird and Downtrodden came out, on other shows, and soon, almost every lifestyle imaginable became visible, recognized, and yes, accepted.

And now, it is our turn. The Hated Husband has arrived. The endless harangues, insults, threats of violence, destroyed wardrobes....and now I am looking at Phil, remember your ties Phil? She cut all 40 of them in half...!

(laughter, applause.)

.....but we made it. We made it because now, thanks to the IBHH and the AOAH, we can come out with the truth. We are Hated! We are Hated! We are Hated!

(chant begins...We are Hated!)

And it is hard work to be well-hated. It takes endurance. We are withstanding a gale storm of Hatred that would make normal men cry and beg for mercy, the kind of Hatred that peels paint off houses, causes animals to stampede, and creates odd meteorological phenomena, like when a tornado blows a wooden stake through a telephone pole. I stand close to the summit's peak, but I have a feeling that there is a lot more Hatred to go.

I say, bring it on! Let no man be as hated as I! Let no man steal my crown!

(chanting...Let no man steal my crown! Let no man steal my crown!)

In conclusion, to the hounded, the henpecked, the harangued. I say to you: You are my brothers. And I am your keeper. I shall always keep you in my heart, my prayers, my dreams. Men don't often say this to other men, but to night is special. I love you all. Good night, and God Help Us!

(prolonged applause, laughter, cheers) 1 1
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