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Hindi:
He : Aye kya bolti tu?
She: Aye kya main bolun?
He : Sun
She: Suna
He : Aati kya Khandala?
She: Kya karun aakey main khandala?
He : Ghumenge, phirenge, naachenge, gayenge. aaish karenge aur kya?
Kashmiri:
H: heey, kya chaakh wannan;
S: heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy;
H: booz;
S: wanoo;
H: pakha telle khandala;
S: kya karee weeteth bhe khandala;
H: pherevhey,nachevhey,geevevhey,khevevhey,eesh karav,beyy kya??
Bengali:
H: ei ki bolis tui;
S: ei ki ar boli;
H: son;
S: sona;
H: jabi ki khandala??
S: ki kori giye khandala;
H: are, ghurbo phirbo nachbo gaibo maja korbo ar ki;
Marathi:
H: Aye kay tu mhantes?;
S: aye kay me mhanhu?
H: aik;
S: aikav;
H: yetes ka khandala?;
S: kay karu yevon me khandala?;
H: bhatkuya, phiruya, gavuya, nachuya, aish karuya. aankhen kay?
Telugu:
H: Aye,yemantaavu?
S: Aye, Yem cheppaali?
H: Vinu,
S: Cheppu;
H: Vastaava Khandala??
S: Yem Cheddam velli manam Khandala?
H: Thirugudaam, Aadudhaam, Paadudaam, Ganthulu Yeddaam Inkemi?
Punjabi:
H: a ke boldi tu;
S: a ke mein bolan;
H: sunh;
S: sunha;
H: aande aein khandala;
S: ke karain ae ke mein khandala;
Kannada:
H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?
S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?
H: Kelu,
S: Helu;
H: Barteeya Khandala?
S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?
H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?
Sindhi:
H: Aye cha ti chaven?
S: aye cha maan chavan?
H: budh;
S: buhay;
H: achiti cha khandala?
S: cha kayan achi maan khandala?
H: ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi, aaish kandasi, byo cha?
Gujarati:
H: Aye su bole tu?
S: aye hun su bolu?
H: sambhad;
S: sambhdav
H: aavechey ke khandala?
S: su karu aavene khandala?
H: ghumsu, pharsu, khavsu,peevsu, aaish karsu. beeju su?
Magadhi:
H: A ki bolahin too,
S: A kya boliyuow hum,
H: Sun
S: sunaow
H: Aaimahi ki khandala;
S: Ki kariaow aake hum khandala;
H: Gumbai Phirbai aish karbai aur ki,
English:
H: Aye what do you say?
S: Aye what should I say?
H: Listen.
S: Tell.
H: Coming kya khandala?
S: What do I do coming to khandala?
H: We'll roam, we'll sing we'll dance we'll do aish. what else? |
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1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the
number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will
a) die
a) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the
movie.
1. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely
for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
1. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is
said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be
overruled.
1. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the
second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30
minutes, and commit suicide.
1. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
bullock-cart, or on foot.
1. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
a) run out of bullets.
When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero
is required to die).
1. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of
a) pots
a) barrels
a) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
1. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
a) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to
regain her sight in the climax)
a) the family dog/cat.
The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years
in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of
the theatre.
1. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three
categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the
villain before the titles.
a) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero, saying "Tum kanoon se bach
nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this
inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick)
unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax. |
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The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay".
Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as Jack. Madhuri's
fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man" every time he sees
Shahrukh.
Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain and
would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would not
die.
Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from
college plus 50 extras who are well trained in every dance sequence in
the world.
The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of
editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in the CD.
The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in
movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of
aam-janta.
The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of
excessive on-board population.
The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced
with a song in the Swiss Alps.
Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during the
chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she
will also get a song or two.
Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our
case, Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving
along a creek and the water stinks!
How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting
Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors
yaar!).
This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in an
art gallery.
Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the ship.
Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how Gulshan
troubled them. Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon pee
jaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.
There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Anu Kapoor
instead of the trio playing the violin.
Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo" would be
yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.
"Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda
dekh na chahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha
ke liye bahoootdoor le le." |
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After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now
joined an Indian body shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay
goes to Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........
MAUSI: Bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtha hai ki ladke ka
khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain, kamaata kitna hai, US me
masters kiya he...
AMITABH: kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki jimmewari
sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar regular employee hoga aur
phir kamaane bhi lagega.
MAUSI: to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?
AMITABH: nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab roj
roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi "BENCH" per baith jaata
hai bechara.
MAUSI: BENCH pe bhi aana jana hai?
AMITABH: haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi aisi
hai. Aur bench par to bade bade log jeseke Bill Gates, Andrew Grove,
Larry Ellison bhi betha karte the.
MAUSI: to kya programmer hai?
AMITABH: chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!! wo to
bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek baar kisi desi body
shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir 'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh
rahta hai! haath pakad ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA'karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab
isme bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.
MAUSI: theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke paas kaam
karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.
AMITABH: mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to itna
seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi kar ke to dekhiye, ye
'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke paas jane ki aadat' to do din main
chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER CONSULTANTS
ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki chhooti hai aaj tak?
AMITABH: mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is tarah ka
insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER' bhi rakhna band
kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya PAGER bhi
rakhta hai?
AMITABH: to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to PRESIDENT,VP,
CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.
MAUSI: accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan dost
assal me kis company ke employee hai?
AMITABH: bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original HI milte hi
company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de denge.
MAUSI: ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon tumhare dost
main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi nikalti hai.
AMITABH: kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise hai. to
ye rista pakka samjhoon.
MAUSI: pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,lekin aise
aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi mausi hoon koi sauteli maan
nahin.
AMITABH: ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne inkaar kar
diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client kaha milega!! |
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Clinton arrives in Mumbai and he gets so
impressed by Bollywood. He wants to be in Hindi movies and he starts
dreaming..
Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing "Yeh Bill Na hota
bechara, kadam na hote awara.."
At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded
"Bill, Dhak dhak karne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga", And Bill,
brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the
President of the USA.
So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from PTHHT. But Monica
could hear Kumar Sanu's song, and said, "Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya
janoo re"
He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang "Chori Chori
jab nazzare mili, chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"
Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam
-"Aankhon se tune ye kya keh diya, Bill ye diwana machalne laga.."
Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - "yeh kya hua,
pehle to aisa hota na tha..."
Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang "Hum tum ek
kamre mein band hon aur chaabi kho jaaye..." The rest is history. The
poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from
Dil Se, "Bill se, Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na..."
Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair -
"Mera Bill bhi kitna pagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai.." Tripp
recorded Monica's confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with
her cassette and screamed "Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar
diya". Starr called Clinton and asked "Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua..."
But Bill cleverly interrupted and said "Oh chhodo, ye na poocho.." But
Starr persisted and sang "Jhoot bole kowaa kaate.."
Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.
Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?
Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?
Bill: Sun
Monica: Suna
Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?
Monica: Kya karoon, ho gayi thi kantala
Finally Clinton decided to tell Starr all, "Bill kya kare jab kisi se
kisi ko pyaar ho jaye..."., to which Starr had a ready reply, "Aye Bill
hai mushkil jeena yahan, jara bach ke, jara hat ke, yeh hai White House
meri Jaan!"
Cut...Cut...Cut...!! |
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Pyar To Hona Hi Tha
Kajol gets off the train to use the public toilet at the railway station
and the train chugs off without her. Poor girl, little did she know that
every train compartment has four toilets inside.
Rangeela
Aamir Khan tells his friend that he will take Urmila Matondkar for a
Chinese meal. Strangely when they are in the restaurant, Aamir Khan
orders usal pav etc. What's happened to the noodle & chowmein?
Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi
Akshay Kumar boards a Jet Airways flight to America. Well well - some
promotion for our Indian Jet Airways - since when did they start flying
abroad?
Raja Hindustani
Navneet Nishan has a short hair before marriage. But after tying the
knot, overnight she acquires waist-length hair. What a hair raising
experience!!
Raja
Dilip Tahil empties a can of petrol over Madhuri. Minutes later, Sanjay
Kapoor takes the same can and pours it over Dilip Tahil. That's what I
call a autofill!
Guddu
Manisha & Shahrukh are seen hanging on a parachute during a song. But
when the song ends, they land down on the Glider. What a switch above
sea level!
Jung
Rambha files a case against Ajay Devgan accusing him of rape and
produces 3 photographs to prove her claim. However in the three photos,
she's wearing three different dresses. So I guess it must be a fashion
show cum rape going on!!
Tere Mere Sapne
Priya Gill is doing her B.A. But at the bus stop, she is carrying her
electrical technology thesis by B.L.Theraja. What an electrifying
interest. |
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WHEN I AM : KAREEB
THERE IS ONLY : KHAMOSHI
I WANT TO SPEAK : DIL SE
THAT'S MY KIND OF : ISHQ
I WANT THIS TO BE : GUPT
AS I ALWAYS HAVE : DARR
THAT I WILL LOOSE YOU : SAJANI
AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT : SADMA
I AM YOUR : MR.AASHIQUE
BUT SOMETIMES BIT : DEEWANA
TELL ME : HUM AAPKE HAIN KAUN
AS I FEEL : KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI
IN THIS : DUNIYA DILWALON KI
I TOLD YOU : MAINE PYAR KIYA
MAY BE : DIL TO PAGAL HAI
BECAUSE : JAB PYAR KISISE HOTA HAI
THE WHOLE WORLD APPEARS AS : DUSHMAN
BUT ANYWAY : PYAR TO HONA HI THA |
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Since Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun
Banega Crorepati is going to expire soon, here are a few persons who
could audition for the show.
Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana
dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.
Shatrughan Sinha: Khamosh! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera
cheque phaad ke phek doonga.
Dharmendra: Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.
Amrish Puri: Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua !
Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar
options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke
do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?
Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass
baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere
ko idhar-eech phod dalega.
Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke
sawaal pooch lete.
Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to
koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.
Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke
public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.
Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela
hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut
chad gayeli hai.
Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke
Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal
aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ). |
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After the grand failure of epic film 'Gandhi'
at the box office, Richard Attenborough appointed a committee of
renowned and successful Bollywood.
It was decided that name of the film 'Gandhi' was not colourful.
Following names were suggested:
Lathi Bani JWAALA
Charkha Gaye Geet Sunaye
Adventures of Kasturba & Mohan in South Africa
Khaadi Rang Layegi
GANDHI ki AANDHI
Deshpremi
Khaana Chhod Dunga
UJDA Chaman
Saabarmati ka Dulaara
Aatma aur Mahaatma
Mahatma No. I
Charkhe ki Awaaz
Goray ki **** Pe Laathi Mar
Laathi se Ajaadi Tak
Gandhi No. I
Mission Gandhi
Mei Mohan tu Kastur
Mere Mohan Pyare
Fatichaar
Kadkaram Mohanlal
Mei Khiladi, Aur Mohan Anaadi
1947, A love story
Meri Kasturba, mera Pyar
Pattgayi Kastur
It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that Bollywood
fizz'. Following dialogues were suggested:
1.(Situation : First scene of the movie where Godse fires bullets into
Gandhi's chest)
Nathuram : Isi din ka mujhe bachpan se intazaar tha, kamine, ab bachke
kahan jayega?
Gandhi: Ye lo - tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun. himmat hai to
chala goli. Are, aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo gandhi ka seena paarKare.
Nathuram fires...Gandhi dies on the spot.
Nathuram: Maa, maine tumhe diya hua vachan nibhaya hai. Ab tumhari aatma
ko shanti milegi.
2.(Situation : Gandhi is being thrown out of train in South Africa)
Gandhi: Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan? Suna tha bhagwan ke ghar der hai,
andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan... (His baggage gets
thrown out of the train behind him. His mother's photo is smashed to
pieces. Gandhi looks at the photo, slowly his eyes turn red...his voice
quivers...) Yaad rakhna kutton, ek din isi gaon me aakar subko dekh
lunga, chun chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....
3.(Situation : Kasturba is on her death bed, Gandhi is sitting beside
her)
Kasturba: Ek vachan do mujhe, tum doosri shadi karoge.
Gandhi: Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga main?
Kasturba: Mujhe kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo mujhse. Tabhi chainse
marungi main.
Gandhi (tries to smile): Are pagli, is umar me bhala mujhse shadi
kaunkarega?
Kasturba (laughs naughtily): Bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal hota to us
Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote tum...
Gandhi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a dangerous
turn...): Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana kiya hai...
4. (Situation : Gandhi declares his umpteenth indefinite fast)
Kasturba: Aji sunte ho? Khana taiyaar hai...
Gandhi: Maine kaha naa ! Nahi khana hai mujhe khana..
Kasturba: Dekhoji ! Khane ne tumhara kya bigada hai? Do rotiyan kha lo
aur phir jaha, jana hai chale jao. Main rokungi nahi. Aur dekho aaj
maine tumhare liye gaajar ka halwa banaaya hai...
Gandhi (looks tempted): Achha tum kahti ho to kha leta hun.
The committee suggested that a songless and danceless movie will never
sell.
Following dance sequences were suggested:
1. A cabaret number by Huma Khan. This should be shown in order to
depict the lavish lifestyle of the British
2. A Choli dance sequence (preferably by Madhuri Dixit or Urmila).The
situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati Ashram).
3. A dream sequence of Gandhi & Meeraben is desperately needed. The
lyrics could be "Main meera tu Mohan..." or " Tu mera,tu mera, tu mera
Satyavadi no 1." |
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Kesto Mukherjee had a little too much to drink
one day. He was driving home from the bar one night and, of course, his
car was weaving violently all over the road. A hawaldar pulls him over
and asked, "kahan se aa rahe ho?"
"Iiiizzzzze! daru khane se! izzzeezzzeh!" slurs Kesto.
"Lagta hai ke aapne bahot pee rakhi hai"
"Hehheha. Lekin mai thik hu!" Kesto says in his usual style.
"Lekin aapko pata hai," says the hawaldar, "kuchh der pahle pahle aapki
biwi car se gir gayi?
"Iiizzzzzezzzeeh! Tab to sab thik hai" sighs Kesto, "thodi der ke liye
to apne ko laga...izzzezze...ke apun behra ho gaya hun....hehhehe". |
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KES