| *Rob revvs the engine of his massively sexy Lincoln Navigator, and eases into traffic* Paul: Is this really necessary? Rob: *looks into the rearview mirror at Paul* Well, it IS a big backseat, and I don't want you to get hurt. P: But this is so degrading! R: Now, Paul dear, we all have to make sacrifices, even me. I have to wear an actual pair of fitting pants today since everything else was dirty. P: Being strapped into a car seat is hardly a comparison!!! I'm almost 30, not 3! Damn I'm old... R: It's for your safety. If you don't like it, you can walk to the studio. P: But...but...but... R: If you hadn't crashed your car in Times Square staring at Carson Daily's ass while he was doing TRL, we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we? *gives Paul a LOOK in the mirror* P: *mopes* Noooo...but did you have to buy a Barney seat??? R: Will you hush! I need to concentrate to use my GPS gadget to find my way there! Matt called and said they've moved us to a different studio while they're repainting the other one, and I don't want to get lost! P: *SIGHS* R: I heard that! Don't MAKE me turn this car around! Now, okay, the computer thingy says I take a left here...I think...oh, I'm so scared of this thing, I can't concentrate!!! P: Would you, by chance, like me to come up and...help? *winks* R: No, you're staying back there! P: I could drive while you play with that! R: I don't have 20 phone books for you to sit on! *turns up the radio to drown out Paul's whining* P: *disgruntled* It's simply not fair. R: What about hair? Speak up, you're all the way back there... P: *yells up to the front* Huh? Did you say something about a chair? R: *tries to drive and read the GPS at the same time* What? You want an eclair? P: I can't hear you! You have a secret porno lair? R: *honks as a pedestrian crosses in front of him* Say that again, Paul, you want to buy a mare? P: You admitted you use Nair??? R: You found something rare? P: What? Where? R: *turns the radio back down* Paul, what the hell are you bitching about? P: ME? Moi? *adjusts sock hat* Why, I didn't say a thing. *Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Kyle is trying to make his way to the new studio as well in his 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Cierra* Kyle: *looks into left mirror* I'm too sexy for this song! Mmm mmm good! Car Radio: And that was Right Said Fred! We'll be back with Luther Vandross, Madonna, and Matchbox Twenty after the commercial break! K: OOH! I'm gonna be on the RAY-DEE-OOO! *lets go of the steering wheel to do a little dance, and swerves into another lane, and a car honks* HEY! Watch where you're driving, I'm trying to be bootylicious here! *commercial break ends, and "Mad Season" blasts over the radio* K: That's me! That's me! That's me! CR: "Well I feel stupid, but I know it won't last for long..." K: Why Rob, I didn't know you felt that way... CR: "And I've been guessing, but I coulda been guessing wrong..." K: There was me! My vocal!!! CR: "Does that whole mad season got you down?" K: No, but my feminine problems do... CR: "Funny how no one knows..." K: Oh, that's such a sexy "knows" I do! CR: "So why you gotta stand there looking like the answer now?" K: Rob, I couldn't help it, you split your pants, and I just had to laugh. CR: "I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken..." K: Damn I'm sexy! But I need a shave... CR: "I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on..." K: *looks into mirror* Kyle, YOU turn me on! CR: "I need you now, do you think you can cope?" K: Nope! CR: "And now I'm crying, isn't that what you want?" K: SISSY! CR: "Tell me why, why, why...do I, I, I...feel stupid..." K: Yeah, I WAS the best dressed in the video. *licks his lips like he does in the video* CR: "I come undone..." K: YES! Here it comes!!!!!! CR: *guitar solo* K: ME! ALL ME!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CR: "WELL I NEED YOU NOW, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COPE?" K: Give it to me Kyle, play it, bitch! *slaps dashboard repeatedly* Wail it! Yeah baby, more, more!!! *swirves into other lanes* CR: "In this mad season...on...on..." *guitar plays the rest of the song out* K: *lights cigarette* Oh baby...was it as good for you as it was for me? *Finally, everyone arrives at the new studio, all in one sane piece...for now. Brian and Kyle are tuning their instruments, while Rob is sitting next to them drinking a cup of tea, and Paul is massaging Rob's feet with his drumsticks* Brian: What a crazy commute! There was this total jackass swerving all over the lanes on my way over here, and he about hit me six times! Kyle: *walks slowly away from Brian picking out "Mad Season" on his guitar* Gee, I wonder who that was... Paul: *starts to beat out a tune on Rob's heels* Dude, you need a pedicure...BAD. Can you say humgous fungus amongus? Rob: *takes a sip of his tea and looks down at Paul from over the top of the cup, pinky up, and then sets it back down* Isn't that what I pay you for? P: You don't pay me... R: Exactly. B: *looks up from his bass* Where's Hashbrown? It's not like him to be this late...he's typically already here and running up the walls by now. R: I thought he was supposed to be bringing Matt or something. I'm not sure, I talked to him on the phone last night, but he started to get boring. So while he got boring, Mari and I went and had some "quality" time. Apparently, I didn't miss a thing in the 6 hours I was gone "quality-ing." K: Nahh, I had the car today because I needed to finish superglueing our picks to the dashboard. P: *smacks Rob's foot too hard* What?! R: OUCH! K: Yeah, we're getting it all nice and pimped up. I just finished the mosaic that spells out "Stringer Love" on the dash, and we're having the gold rims put on tonight. It's going to look SO phat! P: Phatty phat phat Olds! Kyle, you da pimp! R: *massages bruised foot* Pimp my ass... K: What corner do you want to work? R: *sarcastically* The one where your momma doesn't make a dime. P: HEY! Back off my bitch! B: Oh my God...where did you get gold rims? K: Well, we had those gold records just lying around... R: YOU MELTED DOWN OUR GOLD RECORDS FOR... *Suddenly, a trumpet fanfare is heard, and the studio doors are thrown open. In walks Adam in a bright, lime green sheet toga with a paper hat, carrying a tape recorder playing the fanfare and walking a shetland pony, which just so happens to be pulling a small wagon full of Kinder Gnomes* Adam: The Gnope has arrived! You may all be seated and bask in my presence. The gnomes will meet your every need and desire. *Everyone else stares in shock for a full ten minutes, while the trumpet fanfare ends, and a bootleg recording of Kiss' Alive album begins* A: Whoopsee, I forgot this was on here... *turns the tape recorder off* So, guys, how's it hanging? R: Seven inches from the midday sun and slightly to the left. *shakes out of his shock* Uhhh... Gaynor...3 words. What the f... B: He's lost it. I thought he was joking, but he's lost it! By golly gee, he's lost it... K: That get up will NOT pass in the Cook/Gaynor Pimpmobile. Lime clashes with the burgundy interior, dude. P: GNOMES! You sweet-ass mofo, you've got GNOMES!!! *rushes over to the wagon and begins to play with the little toys* They're so CUTE! Not as cute as me, of course, but...hey...that pony is giving me the evil eye. A: Ahh, as the wise and all-knowing Gnope of the Gnomes, I see there is unrest in your souls. Tell me, children, what is the matter? R: The matter? Have you lost your MIND? Has anyone from the media seen you dressed like this? Are you for real? Is this a joke? B: I think your steak was TOO rare yesterday... A: Now, my pupils of the Gnome teachings, do not worry for your leader. It is not I that should be of your concern, it is that of the welfare of the gnome population. Please, embrace their love, as our brother Paul has so wonderfully done...um, Paul, no, they don't go there... P: *pulls gnome out of his nose* It was an accident, I swear. B: Adam, this is a joke, right? A: Joking about the gnomes is a sin. Please, feel free to cleanse yourself of this sin by spreading the word... K: Hey, feel free to share whatever it is that you're smoking! A: The Gnope does not smoke. The Gnope is of pure heart and body. R: Adam, do we need to call you a shrink? This isn't really funny anymore. P: Okay, that pony is looking at me weird! *throws a teal gnome at the pony, who so happens to be named Mary Lou (No, it did NOT have a fling with Rob at any time in its little life. And yes, that was a pun.), and Mary Lou whinnies back at him* B: *walks up closer to Adam and puts an arm around his shoulder* It's okay, Adam, we know the pressure of the upcoming tour is on your mind, it's on all our minds. Come on, let's sit and talk this out... A: *shrugs Brian's arm off* Did you just grope me??? B: What? No! I didn't! K: *starts laughing madly* GROPE THE GNOPE! Brian just groped the Gnope!!! *falls on the floor and continues to laugh* B: HEY! Shut up, Kyle! I didn't touch him but on the shoulder! Go freaking shave or something! K: *abrubptly stops giggling, and stands up defensively* Did you just tell me to shave? R: Whoa, whoa, Kyle, he didn't mean anything... P: *Mary Lou backs Paul into a corner* Okay, good pony, back away from the Paul... A: Brian tried to rape me! B: I did not! *gives Adam a nasty look, and turns to audience* No, nasty as in BAD! I do not grope Gnopes! K: I think Grope Boy meant something. You wanna take this outside, four eyes? B: No, no, no! Listen, I was just upset, okay? I didn't mean it, I love your 12 foot beard... K: BEARD? It's not a BEARD, it's a sex symbol! That's it, you're going down on your bass for that one! *lunges for Brian* R: WHOA! No, don't mess up The Look! That thing sells! *holds Kyle back* A: Sic him, Kyle! You must avenge the Gnope! The gnomes will make you our hero! P: BACK UP YOU MINI-FREAK HORSE YOU! *Mary Lou grabs his sock hat and eats it* NOOOO!!! YOU HORSIE WHORE, YOU ATE MY SOCK! R: *perks up at the word sock* Did someone say what I thought I heard? B: Kyle, Kyle, listen, please...I'm sorry! I'm just so jealous of something so sexy! K: You for real, bro? B: YES! *gives him The Look* K: Okay... *Rob lets go of Kyle* We cool, we cool... *hugs Brian* Dude, did you just grope me? B: NO! K: *starts laughing madly again* Psyched you out there! A: But what about me? The Gnope is unsatisfied. R: The Gnope is on crack. P: *Paul is balled up in the corner like a little mouse, and Mary Lou is nipping at his orange spiky hair, thinking it's carrots* IT'S ATTACKING ME! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! A: Mary Lou! No! *runs over to the corner, and tries to pull the pony off of Paul* P: AHHH! IT'S TRYING TO MOUNT ME NOW!!! I AM NOT A HORSE SEX TOY!!! Mary Lou: Whinnies! *Thinks to self: I can't help it, he's just so cute. And his hair is so tasty!* K: *starts laughing at Paul in his predicament, and falls to the floor* Oh my GOD! Paul's being eaten by a horse! B: *just stands there giving The Look* R: Adam, grab it's hindquarters and pull! A: You sound experienced, there, Rob... R: Will you hush! Brian, Kyle, get your asses over here and help!!! B: But...it might eat me, too... R: Oh for the love of God, get over here! K: Hell no! Your little foursome over there scares me too! P: *screams like a girl, and the author notes that this is in fact a VERY girly scream, and that Paul has paid her quite well to not write it out* *finally Adam manages to get Mary Lou off of Paul, and leads her out of the room with the wagon, leaving all the little gnomes in a total state of disrruption* R: Phew! I thought it was gonna get you! P: *sits in corner, trembling* Mommy... B: *helps Kyle up off the floor* We should be ashamed of ourselves, he could have gotten hurt... K: That little guy? Hell, he's bulletproof. P: Ohhhh...my haaaaaaaaaaat...it was such a good haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat... R: *helps Paul to his feet* It's okay, little buddy, we'll buy you a new one. P: Really, skipper? *gives Rob puppy dog eyes* A brand new, shiny, plaid sock? R: Yes. Just for you. A: *walks back into the room and sighs* I guess it's back to the farm with ol' Mary Lou. She was such a good gnome pony. K: Funny farm, maybe! Gonna see ol' Herb! A: I should go buy a farm. It would be a perfect place to create a gnome sanctuary where they could all run around and play. B: *smacks forehead* Guys, we need to do something about Farmer Ads here. P: Before he tries to get that pony to freaking kill me again! R: Yes, I agree. K: OH MY GOSH!!! *starts laughing again, and sings* "Old MacGaynor had a farm, eieio. And on that farm he had a gnome, eieio. With a pink one there, and a teal one here, there a green, there a yellow, everywhere a gnome gnome. Old MacGaynor had a farm, eieio!" A: Making fun of the Gnope is not funny! B: *smirks* Yes, it is... A: Shut up, Porn Boy! *everyone stops laughing, and looks at Brian* R: Brian, is there something you need to tell us??? P: Uh oh... B: I...I...damn. K: *turns to audience* I think this is gonna be a "To be continued" one, folks! *catches a glimpse of himself in the computer screen* I'm too sexy for this comptuer! |
| All stories are written by MadShrubbery, and are the sole property of her and this site. If she finds out you've stolen it, she's gonna so kick your ass. Plus, Grandma will be so disappointed in you. |
| Episode 5: Car Tunes & Lime Togas |
| In this episode of As The Match Burns... Kyle has issues, Paul has issues, everyone has issues. And Adam displays his love of lime. As always, every episode is written out of fun. If you're taking this seriously, you probably didn't understand "Mad Season," either, and therefore really shouldn't read this anyway. |
| NEXT TIME, on As The Match Burns... We continue our story of insanity and gnomes with a porno twist. Maybe. I dunno, sure, I should be saying what the author paid me to say, but hell, I get paid by the word, and she didn't write much, so there. Note: The author would like to thank Smashley and RestlessAddict for helping her straighen her facts, and Nia for being so quick to respond! |
| �2001 by Rebecca J. Burke & Hashbrown Casserole for the Matchbox Twenty Soul, Inc. |