| All stories are written by MadShrubbery, and are the sole property of her and this site. If she finds out you've stolen it, she's gonna so kick your ass. Plus, Grandma will be so disappointed in you. |
| *Adam impatiently sits at a small table in a cafe in the Upper West Side of New York City. The cafe is very empty on this lovely afternoon, and after glancing at his Pokemon watch for the fifth time in ten minutes, he looks up to see Brian rushing into the resturant. Relieved that he made it, Adam smiles and stands up to greet him.* Adam: POOK! *gives him a big bear hug and a high five* What happened? I thought the 'gators had gotten you! Brian: *is squished to near-death* Ooof! No, I just took the subway for the first time in my life, and a University of Florida fan tried to kill me. A: But aren't...oh, nevermind. Anyway, I already ordered for you. Does a peanut butter and egg salad sammitch sound okay? B: Ahh...actually, I think I'll pass on eating. I think I'm going to just have a drink. *calls the waiter over* Excuse me, I'll have a Kiddie Cocktail, please. Waiter: *gives Brian a funny look* Sir, may I intrest you in a martini or an imported beer? B: No thank you, I don't drink on Tuesdays. A: It's Monday. B: Monday, Tuesday, Daniel Day-Lewis, they're all the same. I'd just like the cocktail, please. W: Right away, sir. *leaves in a confused state* B: So when will Madonna arrive? A: *confused* Who??? B: Paul. *laughs* Oh, that's right, you don't remember last week, you were preoccupied with cardiac arrest. A: Thanks again, pal, for giving me the shock of my life! B: You're quite welcome! A: You know, when I was walking towards the light, my life flashed before my eyes. B: That 3 week old box of cereal in your guitar case? A: No, I finished that box of Life last night. I mean, my LIFE life. Memories, visions, little moving pictures in my head... B: Damn, that must have taken a long time to see then. Longer than Waterworld... A: *gives him a look* Anyway, remember when we were on the road in England and all those girls kept giving me those little gnome things? B: Yeah. They were creepy. *shudders* A: CREEPY? They were CUTE! Like tiny friends you can talk to at night! B: *eyes widen and mumbles to self* Gaynor's gone mad...how can I profit off of this?! W: *arrives with cocktail and meals for the pair* Your porterhouse steak sir. *places a gigantic steak in front of Adam, and turns to Brian* And for you, your...ah, your peanut butter and egg salad sandwich, sir. B: That's okay, I'm not hungry. A: I'll take it! *snatches it off the plate and gobbles it up* Mmm...like a fine wine, but nuttier. B: *sips his drink and tries not to turn green* A: Like I was saying, though, I thought about those gnomes while I was walking towards the light. B: *turns to audience* Ladies and gentlesticks, let me forewarn you about the upcoming monologue now. It may be boring and tedious to non-Adam obsessed fans, so feel free to leave and grab a Coke and a sandwich at this time. Just please don't make it peanut butter and egg salad. That's just so...wrong. *turns back to Adam* Go on... A: They obviously had a reason for appearing to me, right? I mean, they just wouldn't pop up and start dancing the Macarena for no reason, right? So I think to myself, there also has to be reason why all these girls would just suddenly start giving me gnomes, too. It's like a magical conncection! You know, like when David Copperfield makes those white tigers turn into women? B: I think that's Sigfried and Roy. A: *takes a bite out of his steak* Doesn't matter, details in similies are irrelevant. Like math and the space program. Doesn't need to be correct to set the rocket on fire. B: *turns to audience again* Okay, break time... *turns back to Adam* You were saying something about gnomes with a cause? A: Yes, my chum, buddy, old pal, I need these gnomes to keep on living. They appeared to me, and are now a part of my life. I think these gnomes do God's work, and so God made them appear to me. He knows I'm famous, more famous than those magical tigers, and so he wants me to spread the word about them. So here's what I figure I'll do. I haven't been to the band website in awhile, so I'll go on, and talk about the gnomes, and how I need several to finish my collection of Kinder Gnomes. Now, we both know that Kinder Gnomes have nothing really to do with the big picture, the entire plan, but it's something crazy. I do crazy things for the kids, remember? *takes another bite of his steak* B: Mmm hmm. *thinks to self: Why, God, why?* A: Oh, this is good. Really good. You can't find GOOD rare steaks anywhere anymore. As Rob would say, this steak is "bleeding and broken." *points his knife at Brian* You know he wrote that line while eating a fine steak dinner with the missus at this very resturant? They sure don't tell that story on Storytellers. But back to my plan. So all these girls read about these gnomes, and they go out and try to find them for me. That doesn't matter. Sure, I'll end up making a shrine to them, right next to the baby doll head memorial in the bathroom, but that isn't the point. Are you still with me? B: *wakes up* Yeah, yeah, bathroom... *sips his drink again* A: So these girls have gnomes on the brain. Gnomes, gnomes, gnomes. Everything is about gnomes, because they're trying to please me. It pays to be a celebrity, and that's why God called upon me to help his gnomes do his work. These girls talk about me and the gnomes to all their friends, and their friends talk about them, it's a chain reaction, saw a movie about it once, Keanu Reeves acted in it. No, the movie wasn't about gnomes, my friend, it was about chain reactions! Eventually people will stop talking about me, but the word of the gnome will spread. It'll be bigger than Pokemon! *looks at his watch* I just might have to replace this with a gnome watch then! W: *waiter stops by to check on them* Is everything alright, sirs? How is your steak? B: *looks at him with those big puppy dog eyes and mouths the words "HELP ME"* A: It's a fine steak! Pass my compliments along! *the waiter leaves, and Adam contiunes while still eating his steak* So everyone loves little gnomes, pink ones, green ones, teal ones, it's all good. And like all good things, eventually the gnome will rule society, and God will be pleased. It's all logic, really. The gnomes will rule, and I'll be their pope. I wonder if I can be a pope and Jewish at the same time? Doesn't matter, the gnomes won't call it pope, it'll be something like "gnope." I can see it, "Gaynor the Gnope." B: Zzzzzz... A: BRIAN! *shakes him awake and pokes him with a fork* What's wrong with you son? Don't you know that sleeping while talking of the great gnomes is sacreligeous? B: *very groggy* Wha, wha...oh, I'm sorry, I had no sleep last night. A: Why not? Do gnome troubles got you down? They certainly do bother me at night, sometimes. Sometimes, even counting sheep and shetland ponies doesn't work. That's when I plan ways to raid Kyle's closet. B: *still somewhat groggy and unaware of where he is or who he's talking to* I'm sorry, the gig ran over last night. A: *looks up from his steak* What gig? We haven't played anything since we got back from England. And it's been a week since our little jam session... B: I layed a nice track, though...took me forever to get the bass right... A: You're crazy son. Come on, talk to the gnope, I can help. *starts in on another bite* B: Well, the girl and the guy just didn't have their groove on, and that affects my performance as well. A: Girl and guy? Brian, we're not supposed to do drugs until after the fourth album...come on, snap out of it! B: Oh well, it's just porn music, they don't give out Grammys for that anyway. A: *spits out piece of steak, causing it to fly across the table, past Brian's left ear, and hit the wall* HOLY GNOMES! PORN MUSIC? WHAT??? B: *suddenly snaps out of his sleepiness (Wouldn't you if you were being shot at with pieces of pre-digested beef?), and sits up in his chair, stammering a reply* Ah, nothing, I was just having a dream, that's all...I swear... A: Brian, I know the difference between dreams, visions, and sleepy utterances! That was no dream! What did you do last night??? B: *sighs deeply, takes his glasses off and cleans them, then puts them back on* You promise to keep a secret? A big secret? A: Pookie, babe, I'm the gnope, you can tell me anything... B: What? A: You know, gnope, pope of the gnomes? Weren't you listening? *turns to audience* I know you all were, you're my loyal fans. Hey, have you had your gnome break today? *turns back to Brian* Oh never mind, spill it!!! B: Okay. Well, when I got home from England, this guy had left a message on my machine saying he had heard my work on Mad Season and liked it. He had an interesting opportunity for me, and he wanted me to come and visit him in his studio. But when I got there, I found out that he was a producer of films for the Spice channel, and that he wanted me to be the bassist for his latest series of films! At first I was totally shocked and revolted, but when he said that no one would know who I was, but would appreciate my work, I reconsidered. And then when he told me what I'd be getting paid, I couldn't resist. I mean, sure, it's dirty, but it's not the worst thing I've done. A: Yeah, nothing can beat the time you had to fill in for Paul and massage Rob's feet. Hold on a second... *gets up and picks his piece of steak off the wall and eats it* Still tasty... *sits back down* Okay, so you're thinking about it... B: *disgusted* Oh Adam...ick! A: Hey, porn boy, you're making pornos, I think that's worse, Porn Boy Pookie. *the waiter walks by just as Adam is talking and gives Brian another strange look* B: Shh, not so loud, okay??? Alright, so I agreed to do one film. I get there, and the couple is doing their thing, and after about 30 seconds, I can't watch anymore. So the director gives me the cue to start in on my bass, and he gives me freedom to play whatever I want, as long as it's dirty and pornish. A: Cornish? B: PORNISH! *woman at a table across the room looks up in bewilderment* Oh God...like I was saying, I'm playing, and I just get in this "zone." I play for what seems like forever, and it feels so good. I've never been like it before...never had the freedom before! I was shuffling around, getting down, pouring my heart out into it... It was so amazing! And *I* was the focus of it all...well, the music anyway. Usually it's Rob, or you, or Kyle, even Paul, but for once, it was me that was important! I was setting the mood, the pace, everything, I was in control! I was hooked! Soon I had to go and perform every night...I didn't care about the money, I didn't go for the free peep show, I went to explore my bass! A: *giggles and turns to audience* It looks like he said "explore my ass," doesn't it? *turns back to Brian, and composes himself* So you've been playing porn soundtracks this whole time, every night since we got home? B: *looks down at his empty glass, ashamed* Yes. Grandma would be so disappointed in me. A: But Uncle Adsy isn't! *slaps him on the back, knocking his glasses off* I'm so proud of you! Our little Porn Boy Pookie has gone out and found his true self! You have seen your light! And to think we thought you were so innocent! It's always the quiet ones that are the most interesting! B: *fumbles for his glasses, and finally manages to put them back on* Okay, but don't tell anyone? I only have one more film to do, tonight, and then that's it. It's over with. A: Alright my boy, that I can do. Well hey, look who's here! *points with the last piece of his steak on his fork at the door* Paul: *grabs a chair and pulls it up to the table* Good afternoon, the Paul is here to meet your every need...oh, thanks Adam! *bites the steak off the fork and swallows it* A: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FOOL! How could you do this to me??? That was the last bite of the best steak I've ever had! *reaches over to grab the steak out of Paul's mouth* P: *burp* And it was the only bite of the best steak you ever had. Who do you think got the short end here? A: You have a point. I'm sorry, Paul, I was being so selfish. The gnomes would be so disappointed in me. P: The who? B: Don't ask, just scroll back up and read the beginning of the story. P: Okay! *turns to audience* Hey, will one of you tell me what happened? Popular people don't have time to read! |
| Episode 4: The Baaad Luncheon |
| In this episode of As The Match Burns... Three words: steak, gnomes, and bass. As always, every episode is written out of fun. If you're taking this seriously, you probably didn't understand "Mad Season," either, and therefore really shouldn't read this anyway. |
| NEXT TIME, on As The Match Burns... Paul realizes he's not the cute one in the band anymore, Kyle installs safeguards on his closet, and Rob discovers a new threat to his sexiness. Maybe. I dunno, sure, I should be saying what the author paid me to say, but hell, I get paid by the word, and she didn't write much, so there. Note: The author would like to thank AlixTheGreat for the series title, Incubus for thier pornish-sounding song "Battlestar Scralatchtica," and Adam for providing so much REAL material to play off of. With those three elements, you're bound to get something funny! |
| �2001 by Rebecca J. Burke & Hashbrown Casserole for the Matchbox Twenty Soul, Inc. |