A Whole LOTTA Woman
Madame Maxime
By: O'Henry
When Madame Maxime was first introduced in the Goblet of Fire, she scared me, well at least the physical aspect of her did. Whenever I read her name I tried to think of bunny rabbits or rainbows, or something happy. And now today I sit face to face with the gigantic woman. Lord help me. Thank you and please poop in the ocean.
O
Good evening, Madame. (this is said with O'Henry facing the wall) How nice it is to see you. (Outstretches hand)
M
(Grabs O'Henry's hand and thrusts the two joined forcibly up and down until she releases O'Henry's now mangled hand) Vell, it ees nice to zee you too, O'Heckery. (close enough) Vhat are yoo assking me tooday?
O Well, I have this friend..named Willy...and she is just as abnormally large like you...and she is having a rough time with it....She reminds me of you! So could you give me some advice to give to her?
Vell, ta ting, your vriend, moost know, is that I am not zee beest role modal. But, I vill say, neeva bind ova in pooblic, neeva sit on zee toilet zeat, for you shall be stoock, neeva eat too mooch bevore a beeg date (again, another talkative hp character.....after an hour and a half of snoozing, O'Henry wakes up to hear a loud booming voice) WAKE VUP! WAKE VUP O'HECKERY!
M
(O'Henry staightens up in her chair, embarassed) Oh, no, I was not asleep. I was...erm...I had something in my eye....*clears throat* Ok, so, that was, um, some good info for my friend. Thank you. Moving on....is there any possible chance that you and Hagrid would be getting together?
O
M
Veel, eef I tink I know vhat you meen, by "geet togethar," eet is hard to expleen. Two people oof our seeze....we half tried befoor, eet did not vork. I vould like to though. He is a feery nice man. I like hees ankeels.
O
Actually I was talking about 'dating' when I said 'get together.' But anyways, do you ever get made fun of for being a Half-Giant?
VHAT?! HAF GIANT? I AM NOTING OOF TIS SORT! (She stomps her foot on the ground and it shakes O'Henry and she falls to the ground) I AM NOT!
M
(O'Henry trembles on the ground and begins to whimper, her breathing has become rapid and high pitched. Then Madame Maxime seemed to relax, so O'Henry picked herself off the ground and tried to hide the brown spot on the back of her pants, she sat back in the chair and a loud, squishing noise was heard) Im so sorry, Madame, I didnt mean to upset you.
O
No, eet is all vight. Soometeems, people upzet me eazily.(O'Henry starts to feel more confident) Just know zat-(O'Henry interrupts)
M
O I was just a little confused, ya know, cause you were all buddy-buddy with Hagrid, and he's half-giant, and I thought you got mad at him, then realized he was right. He was right about you being a Half-giant. Which is cool, I don't understand why that offends you so much..(Madame turns purple in the face, looks like O'Henry bit off more than she can chew)
M
SHURT URP YOU STOOPID GRRRL! NOW I SHALL KEEL YOU! AHHHHHH!!!!  STEAMROLLER!!!!!!!!! (Madame Maxime tries to jump on O'Henry, but O is too fast and M only reaches her leg)
O
MY LEG!!!! AHHHH!! (the pain was unbearable for O'Henry) HELP! SOMEONE!!PLEASE!! ANYONE!! THE ORDER!! THE WORD SQUAD!! IM DYING!! SHES GOING TO FLATTEN ME!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O'Henry's Notes: Just then, as I called for my heroes, the door burst open revealing........................not the Order.............not....the WORD Squad...? But who would save me? It was a hooded figure..
?????
(A male voice then spoke) Un-hand her, you abnormally large woman!! EXPELLIARMUS!!!
(O'Henry's leg was now free and Madame was knocked out in the corner of the room with her legs over her head, surely crushing her neck, and letting no blood reach her brain) Why, thank you, but, who are you? (Just then, the man lifted off his hood..it was.....)
O
O'Henry, it is me, Ryan Gosling. I traveled all the way from L.A. to Hogwarts just to see you. You must know this, I am a wizard, and I have been in love with you ever since I met you in the airport that one time. Lets forever be together and never be apart, I love you.
R
(O'Henry jumps up and down and screams) Oh my golly gee! I LOVE YOU TOO! This is just like Hermione and Ron! BUT SO MUCH BETTER!(Then O'Henry jumps on Ryan and knocks him to the ground)
O
O'Henry's Notes: The interview ended there, because, let me just say....WOW...again WOW. Then Ryan and I went in the front of the Great Hall and announced we will be married. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood up and clapped loudly. But they did not clap louder than....the WORD Squad! They cheered and I even spotted some tears. Ryan and I had lots of babies after this. Our first three were named after the Wordettes and were all animaguses (Willy was a dragon, Dick was a kitty cat, and Rod was a white unicorn) after those we had seventeen more, named after my fav Harry Potter characters. Ah, what a life.
Thank you and please poop in the ocean.
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