Book: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. IT'S ON THE TOP OF THE PAGE CRAPFACE!!
Author: J.K. Rowling
Number of Pages: 341 pages
Characters: This is the least accurate part of the entire thing. I'm just adding new characters that are in it. If they aren't mentioned but are in there, then the probably were in the first books SO I AM NOT PUTTING THEM HERE! Or I forgot. Most likely the latter. Dobby, the Masons, Lucius Malfoy
Number of Chapters: Eighteen
Grade: B+, not my favorite book in the series but definately very good. I do like this movie version the best so far though.
THE REVIEW IS NOW OFFICIALLY STARTING, ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO!!!!!!
Chapter One The Worst Birthday
*Harry is back with the Dursley's and they are arguing at the breakfast table about Hedwig is getting noisy everyone and CAUSING PEOPLE TO WATCH THEM!!!
*But this is all the Dursley's fault seeing as how they won't let Harry let her out.
*Dudley demands more bacon and Harry tells him to "say the magic word" and Uncle Vernon goes bazerk and yells at him about saying the M word, which is Mipsyllantoraoztak.
*Harry is all depressed because he can't even go through his spellbooks or anything because they are locked upder the stairs due to Uncle Vernon.
*Then there's a recap of the last book. . . . . . .
*This starts on Harry's twelth birthday which no one remembers anyways.
*That night though the Dursley's are having a dinner party with the Masons. And yadda yadda yadda they each have positions and Harry is supposed to stay upstairs and not make a sound.
*Harry trudges outside and thinks about how no one has sent him one card, nothing, he has received nothing all summer from his friends.
*Next thing you know the Masons are there and Harry is forced upstairs all by his lonesome.
Chapter Two Dobby's Warning
*When Harry got to his room there was a strange little thing wearing an old pillow case and he barely manages not to yell in surprise.
*The little thing knows Harry's name and starts talking about how it's an honor. He talks in third person which is highly annoying and endearing at the same time. His name is Dobby.
*Come to find out this bat eared, huge eyed thing is a house elf. Harry tells Dobby to please sit down and Dobby goes psycho because no one has been this nice.
*Anyways, Dobby worships the ground Harry walks on.
*Dobby then reveals that the family he works for would have him burn his eyes or cut off some eyelashes or something like that if he does something wrong.
*Dobby tells Harry that Voldemort is back again and that Harry should not go back to Hogwarts. Harry says he must then Dobby goes crazy again and Harry has to hush him up so he doesn't get in trouble. SO yes, there is a plot to make something SUPER BAD happen at Hogwarts that year. . . .SOMETHING SUPER BAD FOR HARRY POTTER!
*Dobby says that Dumbledore doesn't even have the powers the Dark Lord does, this causes him to start banging his head with Harry's desk lamp and scream.
*Uncle Vernon covers it up by saying Dudley left his TV on upstairs and starts coming to Harry's room. Harry stuffs Dobby into the closet.
*Uncle Vernon is furious but Harry covers it up and he soon leaves. Harry uses that instance for why he must go back to school because he has friends there, well he thinks, but isn't sure seeing as how they haven't written him.
*Dobby slyly says that Harry has friends who don't even write to him and Harry knows that Dobby has something to do with his stopage of letterage.
*Dobby pulls out a giant wad of envelopes and Harry tries to snatch them from him but Dobby keeps them out of reach and tells Harry he must promise not to go back to Hogwarts.
*Of course Harry says no and Dobby opens the door and heads downstairs.
*Harry's mind races with the possibilities of the havok Dobby could cause and follows him out.
*Harry sees Aunt Petunia's (hahahahaha I almost wrote ANUT) beautiful, fantastic pudding floating near the ceiling and Dobby is on top of the cupboard.
*Dobby just looks at Harry then the pudding falls to the floor and crashes. Everything gets splattered and all of a sudden Dobby vanishes and everyone turns and sees only Harry.
*Uncle Vernon tries to cover it up saying Harry is deranged and what not when an owl flies into the living room causing Mrs. Mason to scream like a crack whore with the police after her because she is deathly afraid of birds because she is a crack whore like I just said.
*The owl is carrying a letter for Harry saying that he performed a Hover Charm and duh, it's illegal for underage wizards to do that. SO he's warned never to do it again.
*The Dursley's didn't know that Harry wasn't allowed to do magic and now his plan is kablooied.
*Uncle Vernon has bars instilled in Harry's windows and a cat flap on the door so they can shove his food to him three times a day. They also let him out to peepee or poopy twice a day.
*Harry is severly angry at the Dursley's and falls asleep that night very uneasily. He dreams he is in a zoo on display with a card reading UNDERAGE WIZARD on it and people are looking at him. He is starved and weak on a bed of straw. Then he see's Dobby's face yelling, "Harry Potter is safe t here, sir!" (pg. 23 DIRECT QUOTE ALERT!!!) The bars are being rattled by the Dursley's who are laughing at him.
*Harry mutters, "Stop it." (pg. 23 WHOA DOUBLE DEUCE!!!) as the rattling continues and hurts his head. He opens his eyes and sees someone with freckles, red hair, and a long nose googling at him.
*Ron Weasley is staring at Harry.
Chapter Three The Burrow
*Harry gets all happy and asking Ron how he got there.
*Ron moves back and Harry can see an old turquoise car in midair and Ron, Fred, and George are grinning at Harry.
*Ron asks why Harry never wrote back and why he got an official warning, (his dad told him because he works for the Ministry of Magic). Harry just says it's a long story.
*Harry tells them that he needs help out of there so they tie a rope around the bars and the other end around the car.
*Fred moves the car away from the window and takes the bars off with a ver loud noise though. Fred and George grab Harry's school stuff and put it in the car.
*Harry heads toward the car when Uncle Vernon walks in and grabs Harry's legs. Thankfully the Weasley's pull Harry from his grasps and he is safely in the car along with Hedwig.
*Harry tells them all about Dobby and Fred explains how house-elves have magic of their own but they usually can't use it unless they have their master's permission. They think it has something to do with Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy's son, who ran in the same circle as Voldemort.
*Ron then tells Harry how he was worried when Errol (their old family owl) didn't bring any letters back and he couldn't use Hermes (Percy's owl) to make sure that Harry was getting the letters.
*So they had to come and rescue Harry with Mr. Weasley's car that he tampers with and that's how it can fly.
*Somewhere in there you find out that Mr. Weasley works in the Ministry of Magic in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.
*They take Harry to Ottery St. Catchpole where they live and Harry sees a house all haphazardly put together and several stories tall with a sign saying THE BURROW on it.
*Harry thinks it's fantastic and they start walking toward the house when Mrs. Weasley bumbles out extremely mad. She yells at them for taking the car. But she does a little schizo thing and becomes super nice to Harry and offers him breakfast.
*Harry sees that in their kitchen is the clammest clock ever with things like "Eat dinner" "Do homework" "Take a crap" instead of numbers.
*Mr. Weasley then comes home and thinks it's awesome they took the car but pretends to be stern to please Mrs. Weasley because otherwise he won't get any witch booty that night.
*Ginny flounders downstairs and practically falls in love with Harry right there.
*Mrs. Weasley makes then go de-gnome the garden which involves grabbing the little gnomes and swinging them over their head then tossing them away away awayyyyyyyyyyy! Swing swing swing from the tangles oooooof my heart is crushed by a former love. Guess the song. Guess the band.
*Oh and Mrs. Weasley is crushing on Gilderoy Lockhart who is some crazy hot man who writes books.
*Later Ron takes Harry up to his room and it is covered in bright orange Chudley Cannon paraphanelia or however you spell it. There is also a dumpy pile of school books, comics, and frog spawn tank on the windowsill with Scabbers sleeping nicely next to it.
*Ron is still a little embarrassed about his house but Harry says honestly that this is the best house he has ever WITNESSED! OMG THE SUSPENSE!
Chapter Four At Flourish and Blotts
*Mr. Weasley was amazed when Harry explained things like using a telephone, having a post service, and plugs work.
*The next morning everyone got their School Supplies List, including Harry. Everyone figures that Dumbledore already knew that Harry was there. Several books by Gilderoy Lockhart are on this list.
*Errol brings them a letter from Hermione saying that she will meet them Wednesday at Diagon Alley to pick up supplies.
*Fred and George start talking about their O.W.L.s which are ordinary wizarding levels, which all fifth years have to take.
*To get to Diagon Alley they use Floo powder, meaning you grab a handful of dead people ashes, step into a fire and yell, "WILLY IS SOOOO CLAM!" actually, yell Diagon Alley. hahahaha I am soo clam.
*Everyone else yells fine, except Harry, because he somehow always screws things up, and he ends up in a shady part of Diagon Alley, called Harlem, no not really, but that is funny.
*Harry ends up in a dark shop with dusty windows and narrow dirty streets. Then he spies Draco Malfoy with his father.
*Harry overhears that Draco is getting a new racing broom and then Draco starts complaining about how everyone loves that Harry Potter.
*Lucius Malfoy is selling different things that the Ministry would not be too clam to find. So he is selling them to the shop owner, Mr. Borgin.
*Lucius and Draco get around to how Draco needs to pick up his grades. Draco complains that Hermione is always getting everything right which makes Lucius sneer at him for getting beat but A MUDBLOOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MUDDY BLOODY LUDDY!
*Harry is hidden away and once the Malfoy's leave and Mr. Borgin goes into his back room, he quickly leaves the shop.
*Some scary lookin Eaterface witches ask Harry if he's lost and Harry is stammering like a poopy on a toilet, but then Hagrid appears.
*Hagrid, and his lovely kankles, take Harry back to the Weasleys, but while they are walking back, Harry tells Hagrid about the Dursley's and Dobby.
*Hagrid tells Mrs. Weasley that Harry was down Knockturn Alley and the twins think that is the clammest thing this side of Hogwarts.
*Harry tells them about seeing the Malfoy's and Mr. Weasley asks if Lucius bought anything and Harry tells him that he was selling. Mr. Weasley is getting mad and knows Lucius is hiding something.
*They see Hermione and all go and get their school supplies.
*At the bookstore Gilderoy Lockhart is signing books and Mrs. Weasley and Hermione are infactuated with him.
*As soon has Lockhart sees Harry, he takes a pictures with him. From here you know that Lockhart is very egotistical and thinks hes super clam. .. which he's not.
*The Malfoy's come into the shop and Lucius is making fun of Rod and his poor family.
*Mr. Clam Weasley decides to pull out his wand and AVADA KEDAVRA him, but he doesn't. He's too clam for that. So he just kicks his arse.
*Once they got everything, it was time to leave. . . by Floo powder. . . .
Chapter Five The Whomping Willow
*Summer went by and it was time to go back to Hogwarts.
*Mr. Weasley said they were taking the car, but Harry didn't see how they would fit six people and a lot of luggage in a little Ford Anglia. Luckily Mr. Weasley muttered a little spell and everything got bigger. . .BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ON THE OUTSIDE! WHAT A CLAM SPELL!
*Well, they all got in and slowly people remembered they forgot things and soon they were running late.
*Mr. Weasley wanted to fly there, invisible, but Mrs. Weasley said noooooo bad little husband.
*They got there and all rushed to the barrier. Ron and Harry were last to go through the barrier.
*Ron and Harry couldn't get through! They tried and tried and knew they were going to miss the train.
*They did.
*Ron got the brilliant idea to take the car and fly there. It was their only choice so they did it.
*They reached the car and took off. The invisibility booster wasn't working and they kept flickering into view. Finally, Ron got the hang of things and found the train and followed it.