A terrified resident of Rose Hill informed The Harrodsburg News of a horrific, yet beautiful, creature that was spotted on his farm last night.
"All I saw at first was that be-hind up in the air from the kitchen window," the farmer said. "When I went out there to see who she was, it looked up and I just froze in fright. My boy snapped this picture with his digital camera that he bought at Wal-Mart, and it ran off."
The creature, who is obviously female, appears to be a centaur. The centaur is a creature of Greek and Roman mythology that is part human, part horse. It is uncertain how it came to live in Rose Hill.
"Bestiality," says professor Will Ketchem from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC.
Professor Ketchem, who believes himself to be the reincarnation Charlemagne, a holy crusader, will be coming to Harrodsburg to attempt to kill the centaur.
"Guns won't work. Fear not, my holy sword will lay this foul beast to rest!"
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer. "Man shall not lie with an animal!" one minister said. "It is an abomination in the eyes of God!"
The Harrodsburg News editor Bartley McQueary, who has taken a special interest in this story, has promised to keep us posted with up to the minute reports.
October 23, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The Harrodsburg News learned today that President Clinton will be in Harrodsburg to welcome billionaire philanthropist David Michael Certs III on November 14.
The President is expected to give a short speech and introduction to Mr. Certs. As most of you have heard by now, billionaire David Michael Certs III will be arriving in Harrodsburg on November 14, at the Wal-Mart parking lot to give away millions of dollars to the people of Mercer County. He is scheduled to arrive at 2:00pm, but is notorious for being early a spokesperson said.
President Clinton first learned of Harrodsburg when Vice Presidential candidates passed through here on the way to Danville.
"I'm really looking forward to it," one resident said. "This is going to make our Christmas and Thanksgiving."
See related stories below.
October 18, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
There may be a new form of wildlife in Mercer County... Twelve feet long alligators!
That's according to noted herpetologist Samuel Friedman from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC, who believes they may have swam in from the underground stream.
"When I first heard reports, I thought it was a bunch of BS," he said. "Then when I learned of the underground creek that feeds the town creek, it all made sense."
The underground creek is located behind Harrodsburg High School and sits beside the Lions Club building. The source of this creek is unknown, but it is apparently very deep. Local stories recount how a stagecoach disappeared beneath its watery depths.
"This mystery creek could lead all the way to the Amazon River. Alligators could have swam underground to Mercer County," he explained.
Local law enforcement are asking people not to panic.
"So far we've had some pets come up missing, but luckily no kids," one officer said. "If you see a gator, for God's sakes, don't try to kill it yourself. Let us call animal control."
"Alligators are actually docile animals unless they are hungry or protecting the nest," Friedman explained. "Remember the alligator has been around longer than we have. We may just have to learn to co-exist."
October 17, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The Harrodsburg News reported last week that 18-year-old Tammy Jo DiMuzio stated that she planned on having sex with every man in Mercer County. Many of you wanted to know, what her parents thought of that.
We discovered that Tammy's Dad has never been around, and that her mother had Tammy when she was 15 years old. Tammy's Dad, a small time guitar player from Cincinnati, has not been seen by the family for 16 years and is believed to be incarcerated or dead.
Recently Tammy's mother, Karen DiMuzio (seen below) announced her plans for a business in Harrodsburg.
"There has been business after business come and go on North Main Street," she told us, "but I got plans for one that will be all come and no go!"
"Did you know that you have to go all the way to Lexington to buy adult toys and videos? I'll make a fortune right here on Main Street!"
According to a local employee in city government, a business license was issued to one Karen DiMuzio for a business entitled "Karen's Toy Box".
"I am appalled by this!" one local citizen was quoted as saying. "I have never seen nor heard such disgusting things as what that woman is wanting to do. I've heard about those fun parties, but my goodness, this will be seven days a week, 24 hours a day!"
"They may not like it now, but I promise that when the Oriental spa girls arrive in town, there won't be too many complaints from the men-folk."
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.
"Let us not forget Sodom and Gomorrah!" one preacher warned.
October 14, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
With billionaire philanthropist David Michael Certs' Harrodsburg stop just one month away, local law enforcement are preparing for what could turn into a chaotic situation.
"There's libel to be three of four thousand people there," one official said. "All I've heard about is how everyone was gonna be able to have a big Christmas this year because of that rich guy."
"Our primary concern is going to be the safety of the people," one officer said. "With a man giving away millions in a Wal-Mart parking lot, there could be people from all over the state and Tennessee. We have requested extra help from the State Police and the National Guard will be on standby. Of course, Mr. Certs always travels with his own personal security."
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.
"Let us not forget that the love of money is the root of all evil!" one minister said. "Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, and I'm afraid that the worst nature of people will come out when that do-gooder arrives."
When asked if he intended to attend Certs' meeting, the minister had this to say, "Give God the first portion of your income! That is one of the rules of the church. You give a little of what's left, well, that's what you gonna get from God! I will be there to accept God's share."
Don't forget, billionaire David Michael Certs will arrive in Harrodsburg at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 2:00 pm on November 14, 2000 to give away several million dollars to the people of Mercer County. (See Billionaire Headed to Harrodsburg, and Billionaire Announces Tentative Schedule below.)
October 11, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The Harrodsburg News recently caught up with actor George Clooney while he was dining at Shakertown.
According to Clooney, he was in town researching for his new role in a television series based on Haggin Memorial Hospital.
The new series, which premiers this spring on Fox, is called EERRR! and will be mostly comedy. Clooney will play Dr. Stych, a doctor from Chicago who is transferred to a small, one horse, white bread, tobacco town in Kentucky. In the series pilot, Dr. Stych operates on a female wrestler whose head has been busted open with a chair.
Immediately, Dr. Stych falls out of favor with the head physician when he attempts an experimental procedure to save the woman's life.
"It's going to be side-splitting comedy combined with edge-of-your-seat suspense," a spokesperson said. "Although none of the characters are really based on Haggin Hospital staff, you will see similarities."
In the second episode a 10-year-old boy comes in after stepping on a nail, and goes out in a body bag after doctors accidentally replace his heart with a baked potato.
"We're talking about high concept humor here," she said.
The Harrodsburg News editor Bartley McQueary received an e-mail early Sunday morning from Mercer Online Webmaster, Jim. This e-mail asked him to remove the below story... or else!
Of course our brave and patriotic editor (who fought for his country in The Gulf War) refused. "I told him in no uncertain terms that that story would not be removed," McQueary told us. "I'm a journalist dammit! I have a responsibility to the people of Mercer County. Unlike some of the reporters in this town, I will print the real news, not just what people want to hear."
Webmaster Jim responded with these words to Mr. McQueary's commitment to report the truth: "I... think it is funny... funny as hell...," he said. "... I'll be run out of town for allowing such a link... we must protect our children."
"... sex is not a topic that our good Bible beating fundamentalist public will tolerate in a public forum. You start talking about sex and they start talking about 'porno'," he said.
"That's just the way it is. Sorry, no more link."
"I'm not going to let this get me down. Actually I have received more hits after the link was removed. I guess if people see a link on the Mercer Online website, they just assume it's a 'cool Dawson's Creek page' or some other piece of shit," McQueary said.
According to attorney Clarence Mason from the Daystom Institute in Washington DC, McQueary could have a Supreme Court worthy case.
"This is without a doubt what we call in the legal profession a 'chilling effect'," he said. "That is when someone is discouraged from executing their liberties. If I were Mr. McQueary, I would be mad as hell!"
The Harrodsburg News encourages you to contact "Webmaster Jim" at [email protected]. Tell him that this sort of censorship will not be tolerated. The Harrodsburg News plans to organize a protest in the very near future.
That's what 18-year-old Tammy Jo DiMuzio has set for her goal by the New Year.
"We moved down here from Louisville last week," she said. "All the guys there are gang bangers and playas and sh*t. I'm looking for some country boys so I can shuck their corn."
"I just love sex. I don't care what the guy looks like, it's what he's got in his pants that counts," Tammy said. "Young guys are rough and aggressive, older men take their time and aren't as forceful. Married men are the easiest. So many of them don't get what they want at home. Me, I like it all."
Already several households have been turned upside-down by Miss DiMuzio. Sources close to local law enforcement say that they are "deeply concerned."
"We could be looking at one or several wives or girlfriends turning into a lynch mob," he said. "There's really not a lot we can do. There's no law against adults having sex."
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.
"If she even looks at my man, I'll smack the ugly off her face," one happily married woman told us.
Local men we spoke to felt differently.
"I love my wife," one husband said, "but damn if she ain't a fine little young thing! I believe this old dog could teach her some new tricks!"
The Harrodsburg News editor Bartley McQueary has promised to "keep a close eye on her." This means that we will let you know more about this story as it develops.
October 6, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
One of these two men will be coming to Harrodsburg in the year 2004! That's according to a local businesswoman with strong ties to the Democratic Party.
"Let Danville have their Vice-Presidential debate, next time we'll have the real thing!" she told The Harrodsburg News
According to our source, leaders from both parties were "very impressed" with Harrodsburg on the trip to Danville. As most of you know, both Vice Presidential candidates passed through Harrodsburg in the very early hours of October 5th.
"We haven't selected a building yet for the debates, but right now we are looking strongly at the Ragged Edge Theatre building," she said.
It is uncertain if the recent threat of an earthquake in 2005 will affect the decision (see below).
"This could be just what we need to get Harrodsburg on the map in a positive light," she said. "It seems like every time you turn on the TV someone's getting killed or we don't have water."
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.
"It's so exciting to think that the President of the most powerful country on Earth will be here in our little town!"
October 5, 2000
Men lock up your wives -- Casanova reborn is headed our way! 54 year-old Harvey Davidson (his real name) is moving to Harrodsburg this coming February.
"I don't know what it is about me, but the women just can't seem to say no," said Harvey. "That's one reason why I'm coming to Harrodsburg, cause I heard there are a lot of neglected women there."
Davidson, an unemployed steel worker, first learned of his gift at an early age. "I lost my tender flower when I was 15 to a 37-year-old women who lived in our trailer park. I lost my cherry to the best damn cherry plucker in town!� he said.
"I love women of all ages, shapes, and colors. That's something else about Hogtown I'm gonna love - the variety!"
"It's not uncommon for women to be attracted to men who don't fit the norm," said Dr. Fredericka Bremmel from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC. Dr. Bremmel is a psychologist who specializes in sexual attraction studies.
"Mr. Davidson subconsciously reminds many women of their fathers. Hence the Electra Complex comes into play," said Dr. Bremmel.
The Electra Complex is a psychological term first coined by Freud. It describes a girl�s subconscious desire to have sex with her father and replace her mother.
"I wouldn't be surprised if a rash of divorces and infidelity hits Harrodsburg after Mr. Davidson arrives. If I were a husband, I would be VERY concerned."
October 4, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
Harrodsburg founder and pioneer James Harrod was a flaming homosexual! That's according to a Professor Paul Pussee' at the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC.
"Without question this is a love letter from a man in Virginia who was obviously James Harrod's lover," he told The Harrodsburg News.
The letter dated in the winter of 1774 (the year Fort Harrod was built) is old and weathered but makes its point very clearly.
Here you see the actual letter itself:
Records in Virginia show that a David Sosh who would have been 23 in 1774, was a "close acquaintance" to James Harrod. One writer for a Richmond, Virginia paper described their relationship as "that of a master and his beloved pet." According to the social pages of the time, where one was, the other was also. Curiously enough, they had one pet in common, a cat named "BJ".
Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.
"This could show that Harrodsburg was built on tolerance," Pussee' said. "The next time you have a hateful thought about someone because they are different, ask yourself what would James do?"
In the Spring of 2001, Harrodsburg will be hit by no less than half a dozen tornados. That's according to noted meteorologist and tornado chaser Dr. Stephen Funnell.
"I'm predicting that Mercer County will be hit by no less than six tornados before June, but that number could go as high as eleven. The first few will be relatively small ones, but as the warmer months approach they will increase in size and destructive force."
"I hate to be the profit of doom, but I look for millions of dollars of property to be destroyed and hundreds of lives lost," Funnell said.
The Harrodsburg News editor Bartley McQueary had this advice for the people of Mercer County: "If you see a tornado, take shelter."
Dr. Funnell suggested that those wanting more information on how to stay safe during severe weather to visit this website: http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/tornado.htm.
"You can live through a tornado or you can die in a tornado, the choice is yours to make," he said. "Don't wait for one to come over the hill. Be prepared. Many people turn their televisions off during a storm. This is a mistake. Leave it on and listen for weather updates. Don't wait to seek shelter. Do it BEFORE the storm hits!"
The religious leaders of Mercer County have suggested a day of prayer, and putting your faith in the Lord.
"Cities have been destroyed throughout history by God," one minister said, "but those cities were wicked. Harrodsburg is a decent God-fearing community. I just can't see Him doing it."
Sept. 30, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
Good news for the local economy! It was announced today that N.A.S.A. (National Astronauts and Space Administration) would be moving its special "K.A.Y.F.A.B.E." division to Harrodsburg!
"One of the main reasons we decided upon Harrodsburg was the perfectly good building on Tapp Road," one official said of the old Halmack Building. "I can't believe that it has set empty for so long, when some good ole fashioned American spit and polish will fix it right up."
The Company could not explain exactly what they would be building but did say that it would pay well.
"We will be making parts for our space exploration vehicles, and we will start dayshift employees at $22.75 per hour. The operations are so simple; all we require is a high school diploma or equivalency. Of course night shift will receive a shift differential, and technicians will make significantly more. We intend on employing 500 people in our first year and eventually expanding to 850+ by 2004."
Anyone interested in employment at N.A.S.A. are encouraged to contact the Employment Services Office at (859) 734-7745.
Sept. 26, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
Three very important and well-known citizens in Mercer County may not originally be from here. In fact, a real life "Man in Black" says, they may be from another galaxy.
"I've observed their behavior for years, and I'm willing to say without a doubt, they are aliens."
That's according to ET chaser Dr. Melvin Irwin Black (seen below), who claims it's not unusual for aliens to set themselves up in important positions.
So the question on everyone's mind is -- WHO?
"I really can't throw out any names at this point, but I think the people would be surprised," he told us. "I will say this. One is a businessperson, the other a member of the clergy, and one of them is a judge. Now you can draw whatever conclusions you want from that. "
Although Dr. Black would not reveal the exact techniques used to expose the "visitors" he did say that the longer you watch them, the more obvious it becomes.
"They have to try very hard to imitate our behavior," he said. "They might laugh at something that isn't very funny at all, or seem to talk to themselves frequently. They also seem intrigued with the latest gadgets, and tend to be very mechanically inclined. They love little gadgets like model trains and they rub their heads when stressed. They also seem to be ill a lot, especially in the cold rainy months. This is due to poor immunity from various germs on Earth."
Mr. Black would not go as far as to say that they intend us any ill will.
"Most of the time, they're just trying to get by."
September 25, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The Buddy Christ icon featured in the controversial Kevin Smith film Dogma, may have miraculous healing powers.
That's according to a local man who did not want to be identified. "I saw that movie and I thought it was awful," he said. "I bought that icon online because I wanted to show it to the priest so he could get it out of the video stores, but boy was I ever wrong!"
According to the astonished oldster, when he took the Buddy Christ out of its package he immediately began to feel better.
"My back has been hurtin' me for years now," he recalled, "but when I touched Buddy Christ I suddenly felt like a teenager again! I won't even go into what it let me do for the ole lady!"
"It is very possible that this is the truth," someone with strong ties to the Catholic Church said. "The Lord has always chosen to work through strange and mysterious objects. Why not the Buddy Christ."
Although he would like to share his good fortune with others, our source fears the multitudes that would swarm his humble home. "I'd like to help cure the world, but I just can't. You want a Buddy Christ, then get your own!"
You can purchase a Buddy Christ online at http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/dogmer.html.
Sept. 22, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The entire city of Harrodsburg and the nearby area will cease to exist during the summer of 2005. That's according to noted geologist Amy Theist from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC.
"As most of you know, Harrodsburg set above a large limestone cavern," she explained. "The Summer of 2005 is going to be the driest in recorded history. This will cause the limestone to become extremely brittle. Then in mid to late August, it will begin raining profusely. This will cause the limestone to collapse, and take the town down with it."
"Harrodsburg is the town that was never meant to be," she said. "If we had known then what we know now, no one would have ever built anything here. It is a time bomb waiting to explode!"
Professor Theist explained that the collapse will begin in downtown Harrodsburg and will spread as far south as Wal-Mart and as far north as McAfee. Smaller collapses will occur as far west as Dry Branch Road and may extend east to Burgin.
Religious leaders have asked people not to panic, but to put their trust in the Lord.
"Cities have been destroyed throughout history by God," one minister said, "but those cities were wicked. Harrodsburg is a decent God-fearing community. I just can't see Him doing it."
Already "For Sale" signs can be seen in Harrodsburg in record numbers.
"It seems like everybody's selling their house and moving off," one resident said. "Drive around town and you'll see that every fifth or sixth house is for sale."
Right now, most businesses don't seem very concerned, but according to Professor Theist, that will soon change.
"Sinkholes will start to open up long before the great collapse occurs. This will begin to happen possibly as early as March of 2001. That's when you'll see the panic start."
Billionaire philanthropist David Michael Certs III (see Billionaire Headed to Harrodsburg below) informed The Harrodsburg News of his tentative schedule for his Harrodsburg stop on November 14.
Certs will arrive in Harrodsburg at approximately 2:00 pm and will be giving away his money in the Wal-Mart parking lot. This will continue until 3:30 pm, at which time everyone is invited to a steak dinner that will be served at the Anderson-Dean Park. It is during this time that Certs will speak on how to get the most from your money, and has agreed to speak privately with Harrodsburg business owners to give advice on investments.
"I really hope this helps the people of Harrodsburg," he said. "I passed through Mercer County this spring on my way to Owensboro to help the tornado victims. When I saw the way people live in Harrodsburg, I instructed my driver to pull over so that I might weep."
"I'm sorry, but I could not even describe that as living. At best it would be surviving. As long as I can remember I have had everything I ever wanted. The millions that I will give away to the people of Mercer County will never be missed by me, but could mean the difference to the residents here. I only hope that it is not squandered on cheap liquor and whores."
So do we Mr. Certs. So do we.
After years of negotiations with a local Japanese factory, officials have decided to move the Bataan Memorial to a secluded area on Dry Branch Road.
The tank that has been a fixture in Harrodsburg for decades is said to give offense to Japanese executives. For those of you who don't know, we fought a war against Japan from 1941-1945. This was called World War II and Bataan was a battle in which several soldiers were captured.
Many of these men died in what was called "The Bataan Death March." They were forced to eat things that would make a Billy goat puke just to stay alive. Several of these men were from Mercer County. The Memorial was placed there to honor them for their service to this country.
One Japanese official at the factory had a different story. "You people should be thankful that we have tolerated it this long!" he said. "We come to your country and build factory. We hire your uneducated, unskilled, lazy workers and pay them good money. This is the thank you we get. You rub the destruction of our country in our faces everyday with your tank statue. You should thank us that we even located here."
A survivor of that terrible march was quoted as saying; "They'll move that tank over my dead body! I'll lay down in front of it or chain myself to it before I allow it to be moved an inch."
Dry Branch Road was chosen as the new location because no Japanese live there and it is unlikely to be traveled by them. "The main thing here is not to offend them," a member of the state government said. "We'll do whatever it takes."
The area will remain empty throughout the winter, but a new memorial will be erected in the spring. This memorial will be in honor of former Kentucky Governor Martha Lane Collins.
"She was good leader," the Japanese official pointed out. "Better than your Clinton. He can't keep pants on long enough to get business done."
Sept. 14, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
Don't go spending too much money on your children's Halloween costumes. They won't be needing them.
That's according to a source in our city government that did not want to be identified. "The churches have finally done it," she said, "They said that Halloween is the Devil's holiday and it promotes violence."
"There really wasn't anything that we could do. Everyone knows that the churches run this town, not the city government," she said.
For years rumors have floated that Halloween was going to be banned. It seems that this has finally come true. Movies like Halloween, Scream, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street all profit from "All Hallows Eve". Yet religious leaders have tried unsuccessfully for years to root out the holiday that has strong ties to pagan religions like Wicca and Druidism.
"We still have a shot at Halloween though," she said. "This must go to a vote."
The Harrodsburg News wants to remind its readers that you have a voice in the local government. Use it! Call city hall at 734-2383 and tell them how you feel. Remember, this is Democracy at work!
Sept. 12, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
U of I's loss could be MCHS's gain! That's according to someone very close to Mercer County High School's athletic department. According to the employee, Bobby Knight has agreed to coach boy�s basketball at Mercer County High School during the 2001-2002 school year.
"We all thought that it was wrong what Indiana did to him. The Superintendent called him up and asked him if he wanted to coach basketball and teach Physical Education. To our surprise, he jumped at the chance!"
The employee, who did not want to be identified, would not comment on how much Knight would be earning, but did say that there were plans to build a new gym that would house 40,000 people.
"I think his attitude and experience will make us the team to beat come next year," the excited employee told us.
When asked about Knight's infamous behavior, our source was quoted as saying, "I think it will be good for [the students]. They get by with far too much today anyway. Discipline is what they need and plenty of it. I think he'll get the message across that laziness will not be tolerated; they are here to win!"
Sept. 11, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
School children and parents alike have often been heard commenting that Harlow School located on Perryville Street looks like a spaceship. Well that is for a very good reason. It is one!
This is according to a long time employee of the Harrodsburg School system who did not want to be identified.
"It was 1969 when it came down," he told us. "Just like a fireball out of control. The government came along and took most of the equipment inside and left us with the hull. The crash wiped out most of the new elementary school that they were building, so the General told us to turn the hull into a school to help cover it up. He told us to explain to residents that the construction crew had hit a gas line. That would explain the fire."
He then showed The Harrodsburg News this proof of his story:
"It was back in behind some heavy metal crates," he said. "I guess the military must have missed it. I don't know if it got killed in the crash or if it was a specimen, but it is certainly not human!"
Our source said that he does not want to alarm anyone. "There were no signs of radiation or anything like that. The military went over it with a fine toothcomb; I don't know how they missed that head. If anything I believe that it is safer than anything built by humans. If something is tough enough to travel billions of miles and survive a crash landing, what in the Hell can a thunderstorm do?"
Sept. 9, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
For years the story of Hank's Bridge in Western Mercer County has provided spooky stories for local residents. Until recently, no news agency has had the guts to report on it. The Harrodsburg News sent three of its top photographers to Lower Salt River Road, the site of Hank's Bridge.
The story goes something like this:
Little of Hank�s Bridge remains today. About 80% of it has been replaced with a more modern and safer bridge. However a small section (that which Hank was hanged from) still remains.
Recently this amazing photograph was snapped by The Harrodsburg News editor, Bartley McQueary.
"I know it�s not very clear," McQueary said, "but when I saw that thing come up from under the bridge, all I could think about doing was getting away!"
"I didn�t even know that I had snapped the picture till I got home. I guess I�m lucky it turned out as well as it did," he said.
The Harrodsburg News asked Phillip Caster from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC to verify the authenticity of the photograph.
"This is definitely an untouched photograph," Caster said. "There is no way even with modern technology that you can fake something like this. Finally there is proof of some sort of existence after death."
Sept. 7, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
The Harrodsburg News has learned that the world's youngest billionaire and world famous philanthropist is headed to Harrodsburg on his "Heal the World Tour".
We have learned that Certs will be stopping in Harrodsburg on Tuesday, November 14, 2000. The exact location has not yet been determined, but it would seem likely to be either the courthouse lawn, or the Anderson-Dean Park.
"I have more money that I could ever need," Certs told us. "I just want to be able to help those who are less fortunate. Already I've given away millions, and I'll never miss it. If a couple of thousand dollars helps a family get back on the right track or have a good Christmas, then so be it."
When asked what criteria Certs looked for when giving away his wealth he replied, "I'm not there to judge. If someone asks me for money, I give it to them. I don't care how rich or how poor they look. That is no concern of mine. As the Bible says 'Ask and you shall receive.' "
The Harrodsburg News will keep readers posted on Certs' arrival into Harrodsburg and will cover the event.
Recently, shots were heard being fired in quiet down town Harrodsburg. Were there bank robbers on the loose? Or perhaps someone was taken hostage? No it wasn't anywhere near as sensational.
The local paper reported that the Harrodsburg Police Department fired starter pistols into the trees to frighten blackbirds that had been roosting and polluting the place.
However, a source close to the police department who did not wish to be identified, has informed me that they were no ordinary blackbirds.
"What we have here is a new strain of bird," the officer said. "One entirely new to this area."
"We were informed by the United States Department of Agriculture that the five years ago, two dozen eggs belonging to the West African Black Raven slipped through customs," the officer told me. "These birds are very large, almost the size of an adult male turkey, and are extremely territorial."
Upon researching through the Daystrom Institute in Washington D.C., I have discovered these facts about the West African Black Raven:
"We really are out there risking our lives," the officer told me. "The bird I kill today might have a mate that will kill me tomorrow or next year!"
Police feel as though they have managed to force the colony to relocate for now. If you think they have returned, police encourage you not to panic but to call them. DO NOT attempt to kill these birds yourself!
"The average person is not equipped to deal with this threat," he said. "I only hope we weren't too late."