I have loved God since I was a little child but felt the years of churchgoing, Sunday School teaching & daily life with my husband & two young sons...was leading me into a dark hole with no light at the end. After six months it was getting worse every day & I was starting to panic at the thought of where it would end. I kept asking God to help me. I had no idea what was happening to me & didn't discuss it with any one until I asked my doctor who gave me drugs for depression. They didn't work & I rang up shaking & crying saying I couldn't stand it any longer. He gave me something else & I had to endure several more days until it worked a bit...but felt no real relief. I was on them for another six months.

I did not know then that because of my deep hunger for God he was taking me through the Valley of the shadow of death...Psalm 23...a spiritual death experience that would lead to UNION WITH THE RESURRECTION POWER OF CHRIST. (Later I was to read about "The Dark Night of the Soul" by St. John of the Cross & other experiences that Christians have...but I had never heard anything about these real issues of the life of faith from the pulpit. I hadn't wanted to talk to our ministers about the depression either...I didn't think they'd understand. When they called around to do their duty of "visitation" I'd just say "Oh yes we're all OK thanks")

I had a deep love for God & desire to know Him more but we were attending a dead church where no one else seemed to have or know anything more than I did. It never occured to us to look around at other churches & I had no idea what was else was out there. The sermons were boring...mainly about the church notices & how we should support the ladies cake stall on Friday etc! The only thing that gave me a sence of Life inside was the Doxology at the end of the service. ("Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host, Praise Father Son & Holy Ghost") When we sang that I used to sence something RISING UP inside but then it was quickly over & we all shook hands, made small talk & went home. I felt FLAT & dissapointed every time. This went on for three years in the Congregational Church & another six years in the Uniting Church of Australia after we & the Methodist & Presbyterian Churches combined.

I kept praying & crying out to God my Father for help. I had been sick all my life with general allergy to certain foods, dust, animals, perfumed smells, acrylic, even worry or excitment made me sick & nine days out of ten I was either in bed or barely awake with symptoms very much like flu, sinus & bronchitis. My lungs had permanent deposits of mucus (I had a dye X-Ray for Bronchiectisis or something) that no amount of coughing or back "cupping" could dislodge.I could never breathe through my nose & most of the time my throat was very sore. The only times in my life I had felt normaly healthy was when I was pregnant. Both times my body must have altered somehow but then I went back to having allergic reactions. (Which produced histamines as if there was a virus or foreigh germ in my system to be "killed"...but because there wasn't, they just keep POISONING my own body somehow. I took anti-histamines continually but they didn't stop reactions & only made me much sleepier. I HAD to sleep every afternoon & sometimes I'd sleep through the time to go & pick up my boys at school!)

I knew nothing about Spiritual Gifts or Healing then. I had been told "all that went out with the early church". I was fast becoming sick of being sick & trips to the doctor every three weeks for anti-biotics & nose sprays which did no good! I couldn't face up to going & teaching Sunday School any more as I was finding it all so boring. I started to sit in a corner of the kitchen & cry & wondered how I could kill myself without it hurting. I knew my little boys needed me but I was going through a private hell. I remember standing in the lounge room one day...holding up my Bible & saying..."You know I love you God & I believe in Jesus but I don't FEEL "born again" or "saved". Where's this abundant life Jesus promised? I just feel like dying...I've done all I can, the rest is up to you!" I'd never said anything like that before but I meant it. I don't think I planned to ever open the Bible again.

A week or so later on a Sunday morning...as we hadn't gone to church / Sunday School...I was lying on the couch watching a "religious" interview programme on TV for a change. Then what do you know...the answer came. Thank God...I'll never forget it. I heard a man called Demos Shekarian & a minister talking about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I didn't understand their terminology but I was amazed at the look on their faces! They had JOY & they were smiling & HAPPY!!!! The minister with a white collar was sharing how he had been a Christian but had no joy or abundant life. I got very interested. Whatever He had found...I wanted it! I had already been starting to "wonder" who the Holy Spirit was & had even gone looking for a book about "it'. I bought one by Billy Graham but it was absolutely weak & no help. (I now have heard he's a Mason?) So when he started to pray for all the Christians at home watching the show to be filled with the Holy Spirit, I was just so open & said "Oh Father please fill ME with the Holy Spirit!"...At that moment I felt a small gush of WARMTH in my heart...but nothing else changed. THEN three days later I WOKE UP with a beautiful surprise! Not with that "Oh No not another day to get through" thought...& not the usual empty, dark hole inside but with a feeling of something like a bubbling stream inside...it was the MIRACLE of the ANCIENT ONE...DWELLING WITHIN & FILLING me.

For the first four weeks I was continually conscious of this physical bubbling UP within my whole central stomach/chest/heart area...as Yeshuah had promised."He will be IN you like a well, welling/springing/rising up within you unto Eternal Life" This was all happening to ME at home...& I was starting to sing scriptures, dance around & talk about God for hours as if had an imaginary audience & wanted to buy a musical instrument. I was just FULL OF FAITH...nothing seemed impossible any more. (Pleases see the "Sacred Harp" page about all that) I also felt a new love for other Christian women & wanted to meet some. I kept writing down "Woman to Woman Ministry" & "Women in Christ".

One day I knelt down, crying for joy at this incredible inner experience that was going on...so relieved that the depression I'd been suffering UNDER for a year had dissapeared & lifted up my hands instinctivly...I said "Of Father what have you done for me?"...Somehow I heard an answer straight away...the Words were "I have anointed you"...so I said "What's that?"..but got no answer. I knew Jesus (as I called him then) had been anointed with the Holy Spirit at his water baptism by his cousin John the Baptist...so I got out my Bible & looked it up. I started to look up other scriptures on the Holy Spirit...being with & or coming upon people...moving at the creation...being free to go anywhere like wind, being God's Breathe of Life etc.Being promised in the Book of Joel & poured out on believers on the Day of Pentacost. "This is that which was promised...in the last days I will pour out of my Spirit on all flesh" Acts 2 (Please see the "Prayer to the Holy Spirit" page with a small scripture study)

I HAD ENTERED THE SPIRITUAL KINGDOM AS A CHILD...because of my trust in Jesus & the Holy Spirit had DWELT WITH & WITHIN IN ME...IN THE SECRET PLACE OF MY HEART...BUT NOW HE HAD COME "UPON ME" IN POWER...AWAKENING ME TO HIS PRESENCE WITHIN. This was the Initiation of the Holy Spirit...as John the Baptist said "There is one coming after me who is greater than me..I baptise you with water but he will baptise you with the Holy Spirit & fire" John 1

NOW HE BEGAN TO SPEAK TO MY HEART, OPEN MY UNDERSTANDING OF SCRIPTURES & MOVE THROUGH ME IN MIRACULOUS POWER...HEALING MYSELF & OTHERS AS I FELT THE INNER "RISING UP" THE UNCTION OF HIS ANOINTING TO LAY HANDS ON & PRAY.

He taught me to pray in tongues first to get the mind of the Spirit HOW to pray in accordance with God's will. The Holy Spirit will then move UPON those Inspired Words or commands of Faith...as He moved on the waters & brought Light into darkness & order into chaos. Genesis 1. It brings a sence of authority as speaking for ANOTHER...which is what Yahshuah meant by "ask anything in my Name".It is not a ritual or parrot fashion formula of "In the name of Jesus!" over & over again...but an honest & sincere love relationship IDENTIFYING WITH HIS PERSON that the Father honours. For really the name IS THE PERSON who is connected to it. We are to ask & heal IN HIS PLACE ...AS HIS REPRESENTATIVES/DISCIPLES ON EARTH. (Note that God changed some people's names to suit their new role of life. Abraham / Paul etc.

My prayer is now often simply " Father we need healing here"...as I touch...& the healing flows. It is always a mixture of FAITH & GRACE! Sometimes a long prayer is a lack of faith...it's the desire that matters. And sometimes God is Gracious anyway! "Whatsoever YOU DESIRE, when you pray, BELIEVE you HAVE received it & you SHALL have it" Sometimes we have to "Keep on asking"...UNTIL we receive an answer...for God will answer ALL prayer "somehow". All the Gifts of the Holy Spirit work when & how He wills but He needs our co-operation by FAITH & PRAYER or nothing happens. Except in times of divine intervention & miracles of which we can all probably give an account...though many just call it LUCK! Sometimes a food fast is needed as well.

Remember the Angel who said to Daniel..."God heard your prayer but the prince/evil power over Persia delayed my coming"

I met a lady called Ruth whose daughter was to become my brother's wife. She was a bit ahead of me in all this & gave me some books on the Holy Spirit, speaking in other tongues & healing.

I sat at my table devouring them. As I read about the curse of the law which was sickness...& that Yeshuah "bore our iniquities, carried OUR diseases & by his stripes we are healed" Isaiah 53...I said "Oh Father I have never known this...I've always believed he died on the cross for our sins but did he really experience all our diseases on the cross? (All the curses of the law are poverty, famines, diseases, death, crop failure etc. that we suffer because we don't or can't keep God's Laws of Love & Holiness) Did he really have MY allergies in his own body?...I thank you & accept it"...then I felt something different to the other inner bubbling...Iike very soft electricity flowing like spiritual oil over me from the head down through my whole body. So I said "Oh Lord you must have just healed me...thank you"

I refused to take any more medication...started eating & exposing myself to all know allergens...like chocolate YUM! I put all my medications in a plastic bag & hung it up with "satan's toys" written on it.Then, even though I felt very well, for about the next two weeks I kept vomiting up copious amounts of water & fluffy froth with mucus. I said every time, as I'd learned from the books, "By his stripes I'm healed Praise the Lord"...Then I realized God was cleaning out my lungs & all that sticky green mucus that had been there for years. After a while I could also breathe through my nose as well. I rarely went to a doctor after that. ( I still rarely go to a doctor. Mostly I can pray things through until they go or I find natural ways to help pain or whatever the problem may be...magnets, massage, diet, vitamins, excercise etc.)

My mother didn't seem too delighted about my miracle filling, healing & singing in other tongues. She was very Baptist in her thinking & tried to ignore the fact that I was healthier & happier than she'd ever seen me. She used to ring up & say how are you feeling today?...do you want me to come over & do the housework for you...do you want me to stay & look after the boys etc. She doubted my experience was really "of the Lord"...worried it was "of the devil" & she was very ANGRY about my going exploring to Women's Aglow & charismatic/pentacostal churches. Mum loved me very much but was a compulsive carer & suddenly I didn't need caring for...& I was developing some new ideas & attitudes about God & life that were my own not a reflection of hers. This was a very hard time...for both of us. I didn't know how to handle it but I had to say to her one day "Mum, I have to follow God in the way I think He's leading me".

So, at 29 years old I started to grow up. (Mum gave me home schooling until I was 14 & I was nearly always at home until the day I married at 20. She passed away about ten years ago after years in a nursing home with dementia. That was very a difficult time too as she used to hit me & cry) God bless you "mummy moo"...she always did her best & served God...with her ministry of blessing many women who would come to her home for a cup of tea, a kind caring touch & a prayer to "Dear Lord Jesus..."...just as her mother used to & just as my door is open for women too.

After that first month the "bubbling" inside stopped & the feeling that I was walking about 30 centimetres off the ground (I kept looking down to check). I pleaded with God "Oh don't take this feeling away"...but I guess I had many more lessons to learn about walking in faith. But the constant feeling of the Holy Spirit's Presence within my heart area has NEVER left me. When I pray, meditate, read scriptures & specially sing...that Presence feels stronger & sometimes I'm with someone or in a certain place & the inner RISING UP / Urging /Unction / Witness of the Spirit comes & an annointing to give a prophesy, a new song or a healing etc.

Sometimes I get other feelings...more of a heaviness / sadness / grieving. It's NOT a pleasant experience but still from the Holy Spirit. If I neglect it, it usually gets worse until I pray it out with much anguish of soul. This is intercessory prayer & warfare...it may be for myself, or others. More often I never know what it's about! Sometimes in a time of prayer...I've just offered to pray for anyone who needs prayer & once I was given a vision of a naked child in a threatening position & I said "Get your clothes, quick run away!" & I saw him do it...another time I saw a picture of several "Chinesey" looking people fleeing with their possessions on yacks across a snow covered mountain. I felt it was near Tibet. I can still see those scenes clearly.

Many miracles & other personal experiences happened & still do as they have & do for others of course. Once I felt God had performed spiritual heart sugery on me...& I couldn't say the "I" word for a week. "I" had to say "this person" or avoid the term altogether. We're all different. No two people will experience the Baptism of the Holy Spirit.or express the Gifts & Fruits in the same way...but it's been such a BLESSING to know, as my mum & dad taught me that God is my Father & that my families lives are in His care. I even get car parks just where I want to go...just as I get there...that really used to surprise mum!

This experience of the FILLING or BAPTISM of the Holy Spirit...with signs & wonders following for the rest of our lives...if we stay close...is for everyone who believes. Just ask the Father to fill you. Yeshuah said..."Won't the Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Then we'll KNOW we are ONE in His Spirit of Love...& have the ALONG SIDE ONE...the COMFORTER, TEACHER & GUIDE INTO ALL TRUTH WITH & IN US. "You do not need for any man to teach you for the anointing teaches you all things"

This is how we are joined into the Great Mystery...I give thanks for all these years of learning & walking with you Father...for your Angelic protection & Spiritual Peace through your Anointed One our Messiah Yahshuah

Thank for reading about my Soul Journey

PS.What He has done for me...He can do for you...if you REALLY DESIRE TO KNOW HIM...have you asked Him?

God Bless...Shoshan