To marry or not to marry is the prime choice involved in each path.
To marry and to be attached is certainly a bondage, but what issues are involved in a decision not to marry? Does that lead to inner perversion? Does this decision mean the mind is wedded to an ideal instead, and which is far more dangerous? If I have decided not to marry because I am conforming to an ideal laid down by awakened men, then it is nothing but a constant misery, for inwardly, the desire remains while outwardly I abhor it. But if, seeing the issues involved in being a family man, I find myself making a personal choice, that is certainly a different matter.
What are the issues involved in each path? In what sense each path creates a bondage inside the mind? I write this essay for the benefit of spiritual seekers throughout the world, but especially in India, who in their youth, are torn by the conflict of this choice.
It might be possible to live a household existence in which one is not bowed down by the pressures and expectations of family or society but I have found that, in reality, becoming a householder means a never-ending war to create space for oneself.
On the other hand, becoming a renunciate prematurely is even more disastrous. One has to then conform to a different set of ideals and expectations: one must not be closely related to a person of the opposite sex, one must not have large amounts of money, one can't wear luxurious clothes, etc.
In recent times, two great teachers, J Krishnamurti and Osho, have set shining examples of how one can live outside both these patterns. Both were highly evolved beings who led a life of great austerity inwardly while not pushing away luxury, beauty and convenience in their daily lives. However, both remained unmarried throughout their lives. They did have relationships with women at various stages of their lives, though.
To live without a pattern demands self-knowledge, fearlessness and constant adjustment, which means an extremely alert and sensitive mind.
By the time the person reaches his mid-twenties, pressure builds up for him to get settled in a suitable career and to find a life-mate. This pressure is exerted both by one's inner self and by one's environment. Sexual hunger, a feeling of uprootedness, insecurity about the future, a desire to have someone who will care for oneself in one's old age, etc. push one into marriage. It is many times harder for a woman to remain unmarried in a traditional society like India.
Initially one experiences joy and pleasure at having a companion and a sexual partner. Soon the novelty wears off and again a pattern of life sets in. Visits to relatives, visits from relatives, decisions on career paths, planning of expenditure and savings, plans to buy this or that, trying to find new distractions, buying new clothes and jewelry, decorating one's home, going on travels together, ...
The first few years are years of adjustment where one learns about the tastes and idiosyncracies of one's spouse and learns to tolerate the less tasteful aspects of other's behaviour and expectations. Each person feels a lack of space and freedom, feels that happiness is slipping through their fingers and that what was joyful has become a meaningless tedium.
After a few years of such existence, the couple decides on having a child. The child brings with it a new set of responsibilities. It requires constant attention. In families without the support of elders, there is unending tension between the husband and wife on dividing the time spent on caring for the baby. Each feels that he/she is bearing an unfair burden. The child requires great patience, foregoing of one's own comfort, loss of sleep and giving up of distracting habits, medical visits to the doctor, planning of surrogate care at times, worrying about his conditioning, his manners and growing up, and so on.
There is also joy at seeing the child grow up and in seeing him seek support and advice from oneself.
As the child grows up, there may be another child on the way.
But the worries just keep multiplying. Kids need more attention than ever, their wants are being dictated by their friends circle and by television, they become haughty and noisy, etc. And then there is the worry about the kind of education they are to receive and the career opportunities such a choice entails.
As tensions and worry increase, it is possible that one finds solace in some religious formula. Practicing a daily meditation, prayer, going to the temple etc. give some peace to the mind. But the worldly aspects of one's life has become the overriding phenomena.
For twenty or more years this travail continues. Then a vague direction emerges for the child's life and one begins to worry less and less about their career and more about their future family life, especially in the case of daughters.
In effect, therefore, around thirty years of one's life are spent in service of one's children.
Having spent one's energies in this way, the parents are finally alone, once again. However, if the children are still with the family, there are additional issues of space for the daughter(s)-in-law and her demands.
The parents long for their long-lost freedom, but the patterns of behaviour and inertia have so firmly gripped their minds that to begin anew seems almost impossible. It is enough that they are able to lead a worry-free and comfortable existence. They become very intensely attached to each other and to their home.
So life continues till one of them dies. The loneliness just increases. One still worries about who will care for oneself. The kids are too busy in their own lives. And so, regretfully and distractedly, one leads the rest of one's days and dies.
The above is actually a "sunny day scenario".
The pattern begins usually in one's twenties. Having seen the world through one's own eyes, one begins to wonder if an alternative way of life is possible, in which one can live freely and without pressure.
Seeing the possessive nature of man-woman relationships, the exploitation and drudgery inherent in any career and the incessant demands of society and one's family, one gathers up one's courage and energy and decides to live a life without outward bondage.
It is possible to shed outward bondages and still live a life of no enquiry, but then it merely becomes an opportunity for the mind to indulge in pleasures for itself. It leads to detereoration. Being without external pressure and not being serious and contemplative leads to sensuality and decay.
However, for a serious person, it is a lonely journey. Outward pressures are just the tip of the iceberg. It is the inner conflicts which come into sharp focus as the distorting occupations of the mind are removed one by one. One's inner emptiness, conditioning, habits, loneliness, lack of creative expression, solitary meditation and contemplation, prayer and tears become everyday facts of life.
There are grave doubts on the way, whether one has chosen the right path. Whether it would not have been better to remain in the world and enjoy whatever little pleasures it has to offer. Whether this loneliness is not a self-inflicted torture. Whether one is deluding oneself. The others seem happy and immersed in their lives. And one wonders if immersion in transience is not after all a better option.
Such doubts come and go. Depression alternates with peace, joy and compassion. One is tormented by the sexual urges, one worries at times about money and one's options, one becomes frustrated at the lack of "achievement" in the spiritual realm, and so on.
Then one can either choose a life of hypocrisy, of secretly leading a sensate life and outwardly pretending to be a renunciate. Or one can invent complex justifications for being a hedonist.
Or one can go deeper into oneself, suffer the loneliness, sorrow and self-doubt, not seeking any safe harbour in either a community, circle of admirers, a pattern of intellection, in an imaginary God or Guru.
Whether or not such a quest will lead to Bliss is uncertain. But to the truly serious man, there is no other way out. His escapes have been sealed with the clarity of his perception.
My personal recommendation is that a spiritually inclined person should experiment with the world during his/her twenties. Form exploratory relationships, earn money, look closely at the world. And having seen and learnt, choose a way which gives one the greatest amount of leisure and space. Try and be self-sufficient economically. Do not be hasty in accepting any creed or Guru.
Look, before you leap.