When one has a false opinion of oneself, if one is aware enough, soon the falsity becomes apparent. Then there are many approaches one can take to still feel good about oneself, one of the subtler ones being feeling pride in having discovered the falsity in oneself.
Is it a habit of the mind to indulge in such patterns? I think the desire to feel distinct is very strong in the mind. It is often coupled with large-scale condemnation of the world around oneself. By condemnation, one distances oneself from the world. When one discovers later that the same traits one used to condemn are present in oneself, that is what I call the fall from grace.
This situation can be extremely painful if the attitude of loftiness is still maintained, because there is constant awareness of its non-existence.
One can also say at that point that one no longer has any fixed principles from which to judge, so that one escapes the pain of judging oneself. This again, leads to a lot of pain if the leaving of prejudices is not total but only verbal or intellectual.
Can it be said that the only pain is that of exclusion and separation, in other words, conflict and contradiction, within or without? I think so. Pain and conflict are synonymous for me. Conflict can never be a state of happiness. It can only be, at best, a state of pleasure.
One builds an ideal around oneself to feel higher. But such an attitude demands constant effort to negate what exists in oneself in opposition to the ideal. Being better, or more succintly, *becoming* is always associated with ideals. Becoming more virtuous, for example.
The trouble is: there are various influences which shape us, and many of them are in opposition to each other. We try to fulfill too many roles in our lives. We try to be too agreeable, even though it means pain, compromise, "sacrifice" and hypocrisy.
The true salvation lies in understanding of the self. Man is very complex, as has been pointed out by great teachers, and only with humility and love shall we understand its urges and motivations.
Condemnation is easy, but futile.
What shall one do? Seeing the division in oneself, one has to stop dividing more. One has to stop the incessent activity of the self and look calmly, choicelessly at oneself. Only with the awareness of one's conflict is its cessation. It sounds simple, but I don't think many of us know what is involved in being aware choicelessly. One can cultivate a habit of indifference, but that is not choicelessness. Choicelessness and habitual indifference are distinguished by the depths they can reach. Choicelessness goes deeper and deeper, while indifference leads to cynicism, insanity and bitterness. Choicelessness is a movement of energy, indifference is a movement of lethargy.
One has to begin anew. It is a great freedom to be able to do so.
A beginning is also the ending of something. Why cling to something which will end and wither away?