The great irony of life is that one forgets its lessons. No education is ever complete, no disillusionment is final, no bridge is burnt totally down.
What is the fear of taking a plunge? The mind knows that in clinging to its past there is no redemption, and yet how loath is it to drop the heavy burden!
No insight seems decisive enough, the mind proves stronger than everything.
It will go round in circles and give the impression of a search.
To turn one's back to the world, and then hesitantly to face it again, to turn away once more, to look back again... This is the pattern which has continued for so long. And why am I not tired?
What experience will finally enable me to live in the present? To let go of all my desires, ambitions, hopes and dreams?
Do I seek a peak experience in the world? Will that set me free?
What binds me? Why this subtle clinging to the world which tears apart my soul in its flight to the eternal?
Who can I confide in? Who will share my agony? Who will understand my angst? Who will tell me what will quench my thirst? Who will guide me in my path? Who can I trust?
Can I trust anyone? Even if he were the truest man on earth?
God, give me strength in this hour of gloom and indecision.
Guide me on my destiny and give my soul the strength to not be distracted by illusion.
I pray with folded hands and with tears in my eyes. You who always love the loveless, you who are the light in the darkness of the long night, my Lord, guide me. Guide me.
Another option is to choose which way to flow. To make decisions consciously, choosing one over the other.
Is my destiny based on the choices I make? Are my choices pre-determined, and so should I stop worrying about my life? Why do I worry about life? It is because I want to gather the maximum benefit out of it. And therefore each action is pregnant with so much significance with me. And what has actually happened is that I refuse to make any decisions which would commit me to a certain course in life. No commitments, either to an ideology, to a person, to a job, to a home, to anything. Living a life in which I don't take any stand. In which I am not related to anything. Is that an escape from Life? Or is this a momentary discomfort of loneliness of my journey towards the Eternal?
I have been blessed with great freedom in my outer life. But how, oh how confined I am inwardly. Refusal to touch the world in any way is a great confinement. I do touch the world, but only as one would play with a great ocean by walking on the beach and letting the waters wet one's feet.
Either I should walk away from the ocean, or go drown in it. What is this meandering on the beach all about?
The choice is clear. But the fact that the decision is so difficult makes me believe that I should linger on the beach a little more. Hesitantly I take certain steps to go towards the ocean till the waves almost drown me but the ability to turn back is there. The shore is never invisible from my eyes.
Should I just force myself to go away from the ocean? I know that the ocean will exert its pull till I drag myself away with great effort towards the hills that lie beyond the shore. So what stops me from making that effort?
Lack of confidence and energy. All my energy is spent in turning my head to and fro to see the turmoil of the infinite ocean and then to see the endless vistas towards the hills, which are hidden to my eyes, but open to my imagination.
